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First evening event

Ag123 posted 3/15/2019 05:03 AM

My WH husband and I are trying to R. Before the A he typically had one work event a week in the evening. Since DDay he has not gone to any of these networking events. Next week he has an event that he has to go to with the other partner. This will be the first one. How do you start to trust? He says I can add a phone tracker, he will text photos throughout the night, whatever makes me more comfortable. What did you do?

annb posted 3/15/2019 06:13 AM

I just read your profile. Is this his second rodeo?

Honestly, after my WH' had an A, all evening events were off the table.

It's been almost 14 years, and the only time he has attended ANY event since that time was where there weren't any female co-workers involved, which I agreed to after several years of him rebuilding trust.

Your second D-Day was last month, I think your husband needs to figure out a way to excuse himself from these events, where there's a will, there's a way. Your safety in the marriage should be his #1 priority.

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/15/2019 07:45 AM

My fwh has to attend some evening work events. He's military. There's no way out of it. Texting often, sending pics is good. But, of course, that's not a guarantee that nothing is going on.

When you say "other partner" do you mean business partner or AP? If it's AP, I think he should do everything he can to not go. Or, can you go?

Another question. If it is AP, why is he still working with her?

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/15/2019 09:58 AM

Early on I went to one of my fwh's work functions. It was a dinner at a restaurant. I wanted to make sure it wasn't an excuse to meet the OW. I was the only SO and woman there. It was a little awkward, but that's the price we pay.

Stevesn posted 3/15/2019 13:40 PM

Are you in touch with the APís husband? Maybe you can talk to him and coordinate so they donít attend the same functions.

Can you get a sitter and attend with him?

HeartBreaker11 posted 3/15/2019 13:56 PM

When you say "other partner" are you referring to the AP?

He should be looking for a new job. He should not be attending evening functions with the AP, period.

Sending selfies, having phone on, etc. may be helpful. Will they be at a bar/restaurant that you can go to? Sit at a different table.

MamaDragon posted 3/15/2019 14:55 PM

nope, wouldn't work unless I could go too.

I'm not a forgiving type though. Can you attend as well? if not, he'd have me on speaker phone all night & I'd be dropping him off and picking him back up!!!

To bad you can't attach a small camera that would allow you to see it all.....

Ag123 posted 3/18/2019 10:31 AM

I think that I was misunderstood. The AP WILL NOT be there. That would be a deal breaker! When I wrote other partner I meant his partner in the business. My husband is in construction and this event attended by 99% men just because construction is such a male dominated field. Unfortunately I can't attend. Our compromise we have worked out is that he will drive with our mutual friend to/from the event and and texting photos throughout the night. We put life360 on our phones this weekend.

manofintegrity posted 3/18/2019 13:07 PM

Better yet, you could drive him, find out if you can work in the kitchen or wait staff. Iím sure they serve food and drinks if itís a big event. Otherwise take up reading or knitting and sit out until he comes out. Youíll see who heís with and how many girls are there. The construction field, like law enforcement, IT and medical fields are full of cheating men. Donít ever feel bad about checking up on him. If he is truly remorseful, he or his friends wonít mind one bit. It should teach his buddies what the consequences are when we men make poor decisions.

Stevesn posted 3/18/2019 15:59 PM

Which day this week is the event. What are the hours of the event. He should agree there will be no going out after the event. He comes right home.

Future events you should be given notice so you can attend if allowed.

Are you afraid heís gonna hook up with someone there, even if the AP is not there?

Perhaps he needs to pursue a new job that doesnít require after hour meetings or events.

TX1995 posted 3/20/2019 13:15 PM

My WH has only gone to a few night events for work (maybe 3 or 4?). They were all dinners on out of town trips. One the cOW was in attendance and there was literally no way out of it. (I was on that trip with him.) For these dinners, he did not drink. In fact, we have an agreement that there will be no drinking in mixed company from now on going forward unless I am in attendance.

He has cut down drastically on work events. There is day drinking AT the office, birthday parties, happy hours, team-building things, etc. We had the complication for a long time that the cOW still worked there, so he avoided EVERY social situation with or without alcohol. We did not attend the Christmas party and he avoided being at the office on holidays (the cOW loved to celebrate everything with a party) and had meetings when birthday celebrations were planned.

The no-drinking has allowed me to trust a little bit more easily. Also helpful that the cOW is gone and most of his close cOWs are men. He maintains contact with me before and after and shares any personal conversations that happen. He does not attend anything that isn't mandatory. So no need for a happy hour or team building event. Customer or board meeting things only. It's definitely been hard for him as he liked be the center of attention and people definitely said some stuff about him and thought he'd turned into an asshole. BUT, like I told him, he's the boss anyways and he doesn't need to be getting drunk with his co-workers and having private jokes and text threads with them in order to be a good team member. Their respect for his work did not come from how well he played trivia at the bar.

Bottom line is that we have to start letting up on the leash a little bit at some point. It's too much for us to police. If they fuck up, that's on them. We can't control them (obviously) so establishing boundaries is helpful and then either they step up to the plate or they screw themselves out of an amazing person who gave them grace when they didn't deserve it. I know it's easier said than done, and I'm almost two years out, but it does get a little easier as time goes by and IF they continue to show they are worthy of trust. (My WS is really good at transparency - he texts me screenshots/forwards emails of any personal correspondence with women that he works with and maintains good platonic boundaries now - that he did NOT have before.)

[This message edited by TX1995 at 1:23 PM, March 20th (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 3/23/2019 08:34 AM


How did the event go?

Ag123 posted 3/25/2019 10:47 AM

It went as well as it could. I was pretty torn up all day worrying about it. I talked to my WH many times on the phone during the day while he was at work. When he left for the event he took a photo on his phone and then sent photos every 30 min. during the event. This is a huge industry event. There are hundreds of people there. It turns out two of our friend's husbands were there as well. Even though they don't know about the A it made me feel better that he was with them. It was like having extra eyes. He left right when the event was over and came home, even though the rest of the office went to a bar afterwards. In the past (this is a yearly event) he would have gone with them.

Stevesn posted 3/25/2019 11:00 AM

Ok good to hear.

Now if you havenít, it may be worth discussing how it went, and why it was relationship building how he handled it.

And if I was in his shoes Iíd be telling you how drinks after events will only be attended if you join him from now on.

Hopefully thatís a Mode of Operation you both can agree to going forward.

Ag123 posted 3/25/2019 12:57 PM

Yes, we need to have more discussions about this. Before the A he had at least one to two happy hours or dinners after work. He has been skipping all of these events because we are in our honeymoon phase of trying to repair things but eventually life will have to move into a more normal tempo and I don't think those events are appropriate anymore.

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