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Second time

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Hg65 posted 3/28/2019 10:43 AM

Run. Don’t look back.

Bigger posted 3/28/2019 11:47 AM

I guess what you don’t need is yet another poster telling you to leave.

But that’s what you are going to get…

Way back in the days I was engaged to a wonderful, beautiful woman. We started off dating casually, then decided to become a pair. After a couple of years, we moved in together and about 3 years later got engaged. We started planning our big celebratory wedding: a garden-party with a whole army of friends and relatives.
Her family accepted me with open arms. Her dad got me into fly-fishing (still my passion) and we had our eyes on a house only a bit down the road from her parents. You know – white picket fence and all that.
She was a hair-dresser and was a partner in a highly successful high-end saloon. Worked hard and made good money. The girls at the saloon and I were all friends, as well as their BF and husbands. All a big happy family. I was in the police, on my third year.

One Friday evening I prepared for a night-shift. We had our dinner, I showered and shaved, and we once again talked about whether to book the DJ or the band (the wedding was 5 weeks + 1 day away) and some minor seating detail. She kissed me good-bye and asked me to come home safe.

About 2 AM I had to go to the scene of a crash. Helping the paramedics I got some blood on the front and sleeves of my shirt. After finishing at the scene, I decided to drop off back home because I knew I was out of shirts at the station.
Yes. I walked in on her having sex with another man…

I had the fortitude there and then to decide to end this relationship. Walked out of the apartment with a clean shirt and never went back. About 6 years of relationship (including the BF/GF phase).

It was tough. It really was. Six months of pure hell followed by about a year of slowly diminishing pain. I think I only got fully over it about 18 years later because PTSD followed me around like a shadow.

Turns out she would go out to bars and randomly pick up men. I have also heard (but never bothered confirming it) that she did at least one customer to the saloon. I never got the complete picture, but I think it was something like 6 men over a 2-3-year period. “Only” sex, no attachments. I never had a clue, but once out I had some “friends” come tell me they had heard rumors…

I cancelled the marriage. Cost some money, but less than a divorce… I cut ties with her family (although good and decent people) and moved on with life. Like I say it was hard.

Nearly 2 years later I met my present wife. A woman I have loved and respected for nearly three decades. We have had our ups and downs, but physical infidelity is not one of them.
My ex? Well… I stopped following her years ago. Maybe a year or so after d-day. I have since left the city I was in at the time but visit family every now and then. I met her father 4-5 years ago and we got talking.

After our break-up she lost it. While I like to think that I focused on positive things and personal growth then she focused on being a victim. There really isn’t anything healthy or positive in someone in a supposedly committed relationship having random sex with random strangers. It doesn’t indicate she was in a positive place. And she went from bad to worse.
Kicked out of the saloon by her partners a year or two later (her father claimed she was victimized, I know she was embezzling funds…), random low-end jobs, on disability due to not being able to hold scissors any more, two failed marriages, one abusive, two sons that were both dead-weights…

I felt sorry for her. I didn’t feel any responsibility, but I felt sorry that she didn’t become what she could have been. I think I am successful. I live well, travel, have a great career, loyal friends and the best family in the world. It’s probably all due to my wife… but I wonder what prevented my ex from being my partner on that journey instead.
I also wonder if I would have ended up as a fat, donut-eating cop with 30+ years on the pavement with a bickering wife that liked to give random BJ’s to truckers behind my back…

I admit: Had this happened after we formally married, bought a house, had kids and all that then MAYBE my response would have been different. MAYBE.
But at that time then leaving her was the SECOND-best thing I have done in my life. The best being when I convinced my present wife to marry me.

squid posted 3/28/2019 12:17 PM

diditagain85,

This is the first time I've read your story and I'm relieved that you decided to call off the wedding and break things of with your wayward. You've dodged a real bullet. I would likely have been with the chorus of those telling you to run.

Best of luck to you in the future.

Justgettingbye posted 3/29/2019 19:08 PM

I’m glad you’re taking the advice to get out now! You deserve so much better than her!!

Diditagain85 posted 4/1/2019 02:20 AM

Something else dawned on me this morning. As I'm still living with her. She had some underwear that was attractive but she said was uncomfortable so didn't wear it often if at all. Well after the last event it had been washed and was hanging to dry. That changes the whole nature of that encounter. It changes it from being a heat of the moment thing to something premeditated.

The1stWife posted 4/1/2019 05:52 AM

Yes it does. Sorry for you.

Bigger posted 4/1/2019 05:58 AM

Based on your story:
She’s installed dating-specific apps, created dating-specific profiles and frequented swinger-sites and such and shown – by using various tools – that she is actively looking for lovers…
How did you even think for a minute this was a heat-of-the-moment thing?

babypuke posted 4/1/2019 06:46 AM

Strength brother! You must be sad and disappointed and hurt, yes it is tough, read all the stories of the posters here on this forum and you will know that you dodge(d) a bullet by not marrying her.

Please, read as much of the stories of all other people here as you can, it is helpful and educates you and shows you that you should build a happy life for yourself free from stress and pain.

Protect yourself and make a good life for yourself, that is - and should be- your first priority in life, YOU and your well-being.

Even though I do not know this woman I will believe you if you will say that she has good in her and is pretty and likeable and all, but she also is a vampire and we do not like vampires and we do not want vampires around us because having vampires around us is not safe for us, do you agree soldier?, sir yes sir!

I wish you well, live your life free from pain and stress (and vampires) and do what is best for you and your well-being, strength brother.

Jduff posted 4/1/2019 10:01 AM

She had some underwear that was attractive but she said was uncomfortable so didn't wear it often if at all.

My XW went to Victoria's secrets... a LOT before my Dday. She didn't know I knew but I kept waiting for her to surprise me with the see-through crotch panties or one of her few colorful thongs she purchased (she never wore thongs before). Never saw any of them, but the OM sure did. That I found out AFTER my Dday. This "buying of attractive panties" behavior is pretty common with a lot the betrayed men's stories. Don't think for a second your fiance just decided to give the new underwear another try just for you. It is exactly for the reason you think it is.

So, was her plea to you to reconcile really delivered from the heart, dripping with snot and tears? This is just my opinion but with a history like her's to cheat on what sounds like ALL of her past partners, she doesn't really enjoy being in a committed relationships, just really enjoys fucking around while in in them. That's her itch she loves to scratch. There is no changing that behavior in people in a day, a week, a month, a year or more, or most times even at all. Go ahead and tell everyone what you just found out about her past, her current infidelity as why YOU are breaking it off. Trust us, everyone will understand when it comes to a serial cheater there is just no good to ever come out of sticking around to see if they can practice and maintain fidelity. Fidelity should be a matter of principal, not some fucking skill to acquire. I'm exaggerating when I say this but it will certainly feel like it that your odds of winning a lottery of millions are better than your fiance ever truly changing her ways. Go forward with cancelling wedding plans and read more stories on here about serial cheaters and you will feel validated in your decision to cut her out of your life.

Keep telling yourself this phrase for motivation -

She has shown me who she is and I believe her. I am dodging a major bullet by dumping her.

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