SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

tushnurse posted 3/14/2019 16:51 PM

Diditagain
You see the overwhelming advice here is to stop the wedding and run far and fast from this woman. This may seem harsh or unrealistic for you right now. Bit remember every person who is posting and advising you has walked the path of infidelity and had it ruin their lives in one way or another. It may seem to you and your young love and mind that if you only love her enough and give her everything she wants she will stop this.
That is wrong. You cant love her enough to make her do what's right. You cannot fix her.
She is horribly broken and no matter how much you try or pray or hope she will stop she won't.
Yes you are a victim here and that is a hard thing to wrap your brain around but like an assault victim you too have had your rights and choices ripped away from you without even knowing they were.
Trust us when we say call off the wedding. Tell family and friends whatever you want. You changed your mind. She changed hers or tell them the truth. It doesn't matter. Your friends will support you and help you heal from this. You need to figure out why you would even consider giving her a 3rd chance. Your picker seems to be broken and you seem to be hanging your happiness on her or the idea of M. Instead you have to learn to love yourself and be fulfilled on life as an individual. When you accomplish this then your picker gets lots better. You will never tolerate being treated less than. You will be confident and happy and there is nothing that women like more than that.
But please be a your own advocate and demand she give you the ring back and separate your life from hers. You will save yourself from any further heartache and pain.

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/14/2019 17:28 PM

What other people think doesn't matter. The people who matter will understand. The people who don't understand don't matter.

Gunnut posted 3/14/2019 17:54 PM

Only marry her if you absolutely know that your ok with your wife having sex with other men and raising children that you aren’t sure are your’s. Otherwise get out now and for god sakes don’t get her pregnant.

rambler posted 3/14/2019 20:40 PM

She is not ready to marry. To call it off is what is best for both of you.

People will understand. Do not isolate yourself and make it your problem.

It is just for the best. Do not start a marriage on this note or live like this. Do not compound the problem.

CurseBreaker posted 3/14/2019 22:15 PM

Diditagain,

Please listen to the advice given by others. Marrying a serial cheater is a special kind of hell that no one deserves. Cancel the wedding and be done with this selfish excuse of a fiancé. You do not need to worry about any one else’s opinions, commentary, or reasoning about why you canceled the wedding. Simply tell them that you are canceling the wedding because you didn’t like her other boyfriends. Let them wonder what happened, and let her try to defend herself. You can decline to discuss details by saying that you don’t want to talk about it and change the subject to something like sports or local news. You are in control of this situation, so grab the bull by the horns and cut her lose.

As a warning, the hell of going through infidelity after marriage is 1000x worse than infidelity pre marriage. I know. My ex from college cheated on me, and my STBXWH (a completely different person) did too. I can’t explain it other than a wedding is the ultimate promise of fidelity, that you make a vow to protect the other spouse’s heart, a vow that’s supposed to supersede your own needs/wants. Knowing that my WH betrayed me was worse than both the death of a family member and the loss of a pregnancy.

Get IC, figure out why you tolerate this disrespect from a partner, why you feel you can’t leave or that you must stay. That’s what infidelity is, a lack of respect, a lack of concern, a lack of compassion for the other partner (you), all to fulfill the selfish needs of the cheater. I was too afraid of being alone and too co-dependent to leave college boy. I didn’t have the courage to say “enough,” so I stuck around for almost 8 years of hell and lies. When I finally kicked him out, I immediately rebounded into the same cycle of men, & fell for another cheater. That has been 7 years of complete betrayal.

I didn’t take the time I needed to heal from my BF before I met XH and got married. Take time after this cluster fluff to heal from this betrayal before moving on. Learn to love yourself as a single person, find out what makes you tick (job, hobbies, etc), get the courage to set boundaries (for partners, red flags, acceptable behavior) then you’ll be better equipped to avoid cheaters in future endeavors.

Fbtjax posted 3/15/2019 14:23 PM

Two words: Run quickly.

Western posted 3/16/2019 21:50 PM

yeah sadly,he's not responding. I only wish the best for him. I hope he wishes the best for himself

Diditagain85 posted 3/17/2019 00:36 AM

Hi all. I want to thank you all for your replies. Had a tough week with my dad being hospitalised. So that has taken my focus. I have a lot of thinking to do. I am seeking help on an individual basis. To help deal with the issues I'm having.

Diditagain85 posted 3/17/2019 00:36 AM

Hi all. I want to thank you all for your replies. Had a tough week with my dad being hospitalised. So that has taken my focus. I have a lot of thinking to do. I am seeking help on an individual basis. To help deal with the issues I'm having.

Mene posted 3/17/2019 02:03 AM

Dude, RUN. There are thousands of us here who wished infidelity didn’t strike us when we were married with kids. Don’t marry a serial cheater. Find a woman who will be monogamous and treat you like you deserve to be treated. If she’s on dating sites now when your bond should be unbreakable and you two should be in deep love, wait and see what happens when the daily life chores begin and kids arrive. She cannot be trusted.

[This message edited by Mene at 2:04 AM, March 17th (Sunday)]

Diditagain85 posted 3/17/2019 02:21 AM

I will be. I just need to sort out selling the house we own together and find myself somewhere else to stay.

Drumstick posted 3/17/2019 06:54 AM

Wise choice, DIA85! Your future-self is going to thank you so, so much.

Diditagain85 posted 3/23/2019 10:44 AM

Just an update for you all. It finally happened. She pleaded to try and reconcile, at first I was tempted but I just couldn't get over the anger and disappointment. It depressed me.

justabrokendream posted 3/23/2019 10:53 AM

As you can see from my number, I've been here many years - best quote I've heard, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

[This message edited by justabrokendream at 10:53 AM, March 23rd (Saturday)]

Organic2003 posted 3/28/2019 02:30 AM

As a man who married a serial cheater >> had kids >>more cheating

You will live a life of living torment. She will suck your all of your self respect. She will f... your employees, your friends, the strange at a bar in the bathroom.

She will do gang bangs on trips with you listening on her hotel phone. You will be laughed at by strangers arguing who is next in line.

Please you are so young

DO NOT DO IT DO NOT THINK ANYMORE

I finally had to sell a successful business and run The pain you feel now can and will get worse as hard as that is to believe.

You won't be lonely long, some women will know you are amazing and you will love her

RocketRaccoon posted 3/28/2019 05:02 AM

Stand your ground.

You have already given her chances to change, so let's not make your next thread with the title 'Third Time', shall we?

Diditagain85 posted 3/28/2019 05:17 AM

Honestly it was when I started looking at other things that had happened which I guess could be considered cheating if the discussion wasn't had. Things like sending photos and having sexual conversations over the internet.

I also found evidence that she had cheated on previous boyfriends. These aren't the actions of someone who wanted to change. Just someone who either wasn't caught or when she did the person finished with them.

Diditagain85 posted 3/28/2019 05:17 AM

Honestly it was when I started looking at other things that had happened which I guess could be considered cheating if the discussion wasn't had. Things like sending photos and having sexual conversations over the internet.

I also found evidence that she had cheated on previous boyfriends. These aren't the actions of someone who wanted to change. Just someone who either wasn't caught or when she did the person finished with them.

Edie posted 3/28/2019 05:18 AM

I was trying to seek a way we could reconcile our relationship again,

The history of your relationship demonstrates repeating patterns of you discoverying her ongoing adultery and cheating and you continually rugsweeping it and ignoring it, even to the most recent temptation you felt to reconcile.. It would be really helpful for you to examine why you wanted this relationship at all costs (accepting her cheating and risking dangerous transmission of stds) and why you feel you deserve such treatment and such a relationship, why your self esteem was so low and your need for the relationship so high that you accepted being continually abused and lied to. This is the heart of the issue. You are beginning to feel a little differently now, but it does seem that you accepted her secret life as a status quo and pretended it wasn’t happening. Once you have figured out why you felt so low about yourself and so dependent on the relationship, it will become clearer and easier to walk away.

Personally, I would find it very satisfying outing her and exposing her illicit sexual history when explaining the real reasons for calling off the wedding to people, it leaves her with nowhere to hide and no possibility of accruing blame to you.

[This message edited by Edie at 5:19 AM, March 28th (Thursday)]

VinST posted 3/28/2019 10:35 AM

Consider yourself lucky you found out now.
It would beggar belief if you even considered marrying this slut. Move on sir and choose wisely next time!
If you stay .. well book a profile in SI now for use later on!!!