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Second time

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Diditagain85 posted 3/13/2019 13:06 PM

I have been with my fiancee since 2012 we have been engaged exactly a year.

In 2017 just before Christmas I found out that sometime in the summer, she had started an affair with another man. She had made a dating profile on a site dedicated to people of her profession and seen this person a few times that I am aware of. After I discovered the situation, she came clean. She did trickle truth me at the time. Saying he was a friend of a friend, when they had in fact met on a dating site. Something I found out later down the road. She told me they had done nothing more than kissed and "associated touching" (this becomes relevant later). We talked for a while about the issues we were both experiencing within our relationship.

As this was just before Christmas, I decided that now was not the time to deal with it as we were going away for Christmas, fast forward a few days I had to use her phone to send a message to a friend as my phone had died. I noticed she had Kik messenger installed, given the revelations of a few days prior, curiosity got the better of me and I found some very explicit messages and photos sent to other men on there. However we were now miles from home and it was 2 days until Christmas so once again I decided now wasn't the time to deal with the situation and I should reflect on it and try to move forward.

At the time she seemed truly remorseful, although it has been going on months so whether you believe that or not is a different matter. I did feel afterwards however that the she deflected onto me giving me the feeling it was my fault she strayed.

A few months later I decided after the death of a very close friend life was too short and despite issues of the past, I wanted to marry this woman so I proposed to her. Which she very happily agreed to. Things were great, or so I thought.

Fast forward to the past weekend. I was demonstrating some technology to a friend whilst I was away for the weekend, when I noticed some odd internet traffic going to a "swingers" website from her phone. At first I passed this off as possibly just an advert (thats what the tech was designed to block). Although I looked at the amount and it was too much to be that. I made a fake profile on the site and put in our post code and low and behold, she did indeed have a profile on there.

I struck up a conversation with her using my fake persona to see what her intentions were on this site. I expressed that my character liked cheating and she told me she had a fiance but only 2 days prior had had a man over to watch TV, things got heated and sexual. Only stopping short of actual sexual intercourse because he was late to be somewhere else.

I confronted her with the details she had given my fake profile. She initially said that she made up the story to please my fake profile. However the more I dug up, it turns out she did have someone over and they did get amorous on his way out the door. This was after nearly an hour of probing. During this conversation I also found out that during her previous affair what she considered "kissing and associated touching" was actually everything short of sexual intercourse, where the other party thought they had even had sex. I thought her words were quite the stretch.

I am beyond lost right now and don't know what to do. I feel numb and depressed about the situation. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of months.

recovering2018 posted 3/13/2019 13:24 PM

Diditagain85, I'm sorry you're here.

I'm not one to write long novels, so here are my thoughts:

1. It only gets more complicated after marriage.
2. It only gets more complicated after kids.
3. She is very badly broken, a liar, a cheat. Most people like her CANNOT be fixed. As you said, life is too short, so why do you want to waste yours trying to fix her? Only she can fix herself, and I haven't heard that she wants to.

My advice is to walk away, as quickly as possible, while you have relatively little to lose.

Again, so sorry.

[This message edited by recovering2018 at 1:24 PM, March 13th (Wednesday)]

ibonnie posted 3/13/2019 13:33 PM

We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of months.

STOP PLANNING THE WEDDING, RIGHT NOW. Call the guests, lose some deposits, whatever you have to do.

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity, with a truly remorseful partner that's putting in the work. Please do not try to rush "healing" because you already paid the DJ and the caterer.

Honestly, I don't think your WF (wayward fiancé) is marriage material at all, because it sounds like she's a serial cheater.

However, if you want to offer her the option/gift of reconciliation, please don't set a deadline of a few months that will have serious legal and financial repercussions.

Marauder posted 3/13/2019 13:37 PM

She is a remorseless serial cheater who is quite apt at manipulating and lying to you. You're right now under shock. Don't marry this woman, don't believe this woman, give yourself time and then get rid of her.

Coreofsteel posted 3/13/2019 13:39 PM

I'm so very sorry you're here. She sounds to me like a serial cheater. Have a look at the healing library top left of the home page in the yellow box. Look at serial cheating. I'm afraid that the success rate of recovery is lower than I would want in a relationship.

For now, work your way through your emotions and take care of you. If the wedding is planned in the near future, I would recommend postponing it until you have time to think about what you want..

1Faith posted 3/13/2019 13:47 PM

Oh, Diditagain85,

You sound like a very kind and compassionate young man. Please don't settle for this treatment. You deserve so much more out of life.

Each time you have "caught" her you have chosen to look the other way, sweep it under the rug, and "hope" she will change and be true to you.

This is NOT going to happen because it doesn't have to. She lies and cheats says she is sorry and goes right back to her wayward ways.


You will only be signing up for more hurt and heartbreak.

We know it hurts but this is not a good relationship.

Head up to the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner, read about rug sweeping and do some research on the 180.

You didn't cause her to cheat and you can't fix her. She has to want to be a better person and she clearly does not.

(((good luck)))

layla1234 posted 3/13/2019 13:49 PM

DO. NOT. Marry. Her.

Needtobefree posted 3/13/2019 13:52 PM

I'm so sorry you are here and experiencing this level of pain. As much as you love her, love yourself more than that. I am married with 2 children to a serial cheater. It only gets WORSE with time. Once children are involved it's even harder. Leave her now while you can. You deserve so much more than she has given you.

bluewater posted 3/13/2019 13:55 PM

I am beyond lost right now and don't know what to do. I feel numb and depressed about the situation. We are supposed to be getting married in a matter of months.

I am sure that you are familiar with the saying “actions speak louder than words”. Well her actions aren’t just speaking to you, they are screaming to you!!!

I know that this is painful but consider yourself very lucky that she has shown you who and what she really is... a liar and a cheat. You can look at it any which way you want but the fact is that she is not someone you should marry. Unless you are prepared to suffer through this type of bitter betrayal and soul searing pain again. For it will happen again.

My advice is to break things off with her permanently. Dump her and stay away from her. She is not worth it.

And be forever grateful that you discovered who she really is before you married her. And not to mention before you had children with her.


Buster123 posted 3/13/2019 13:57 PM

Get the ring back while you can and cancel the wedding, she's shown you she's no wife material, she's a serial cheater, get tested for STDs ASAP.

Dismayed2012 posted 3/13/2019 14:16 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation Didita but at the same time you've been given an incredible gift that others of us here would have appreciated before we married. Your g-friend has revealed to you who and what she is. It's now upon you to see through the pain of this situation and believe her. This woman has been cheating on you for quite a while and she'll continue to cheat on you. She's already proven that she can't tell the truth, that she was faking remorse over your findings, that she's going to continue with her behavior into her marriage (swinger site), and that she'll never be only yours. I recommend that you never marry or have children with this woman. She's a home wrecker and your home is the first to be destroyed. Also know that this has nothing to do with you. When you do either now or later remove her from your life, she's going to ruin every other good man's life she touches. Please save yourself and run away before she gets pregnant and further hinders your future.

Bladerunner2054 posted 3/13/2019 14:20 PM

End your engagement TODAY, then run, not walk away from this woman!

Your future is a world of hurt if you don't.

benomania posted 3/13/2019 14:25 PM

Sorry you are here like the rest of us. But if this is happening now it will likely continue into the future. Trust me. It happened to me. Except I never had real evidence. 2 times right now! We have kids and this 2nd time it stung like hell.
My friend, as much as this hurts (and trust me I know what you are feeling) it's best you found this out now and not 10 to 20 years later with kids involved.
I don't know what to tell you here.
But it sounds like to me that you maybe fighting a losing battle.
Please be aware what's coming your way if you do stay with her towards a path of reconciliation. You will likely get; depressed, anxious, suicidal, you name it.
Please! DO NOT DO THE PICK ME DANCE. It's humiliating and solves nothing.
Do not go on detective mode. It will reveal nothing new.
Take care of yourself, work out, eat, sleep, confide in those you can, and do the 180.
Cut this cancer if you must.
Your choice.
This will be a long road to recovery whether you stay or go. Do not rush into anything and be strong for YOU.
Sending you a huge hug.
Remember, this too shall pass

GoldenR posted 3/13/2019 14:27 PM

She has shown you who she is. Believe her!

Not married, no kids...

Say goodbye to her and move on ASAFP.

nortonj posted 3/13/2019 14:31 PM

Wow, I am so sorry to hear this. You've learned something about your fiancé that is totally incongruent to what you thought: she is selfish, wants what she wants and isn't concerned about the consequences.

This is who she is. She has given you a gift. It will hurt. But remember that something made this OK in her world to do this and live this lifestyle. The gift is that you've discovered who she is now, as opposed to later.

Take care of yourself. Know you are deserving of love and loyalty.

totallydumb posted 3/13/2019 15:06 PM

Hi Diditagain85,

Wow, just wow!

Like others have said, DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.


Not able to maintain faithfulness in a exclusive relationship, I don't think a marriage certificate is going to change anything.

Get yourself into individual counselling to help you sort out your emotions so you do not make a decision when you are emotional.

At the very least, postpone the wedding until you have your emotions under control and can think with clarity.

Please take the time to get your head on straight before you decide to move forward with this wedding. This is a major life changing event that if the wrong decision is made, can impact your life for many years down the road.

I am not telling you to not marry her, I am telling you to take some time to get yourself on an even keel before you make any decision.

Once you can see things clearly, the right decision will be easy to make.

tooanalytical posted 3/13/2019 15:34 PM

As everyone has mentioned. It is a pretty simple course of action from here.

1. Get in the car and drive to your nearest Academy or Dicks sporting goods store.

2. Purchase the best running shoes money can buy.

3. Lace them puppies up and run like hell.

FEEL posted 3/13/2019 15:45 PM

In the nicest possible way you need to leave this before you get in deeper and the stakes are even more. As I was reading your post, it was very apparent you taught her during the 2017 Christmas season there is no consequences to her behavior. Had you dealt wit this head on and cancelled the travel plans or at least your self backing out you would have made it VERY CLEAR there are consequences to her behaviors.

Fast forward you are now engaged and dealing with this again. If you go through with it, it's another very clear message she can do what she wants without any consequences.

I am saying this as BS who did not have boundaries and/or enforce them and the hole that I dug for myself deeper. I finally got out of it, but it cost me a LOT of $$ (ie. my retirement).

There has been a lot of good advice here about getting out of this and I agree.

cannotforgive posted 3/13/2019 16:07 PM

simples, she is not marriage material.MOVE ON, CANCELL THE WEDDING.

If you stay with her, she will do this in the future. Imagine yourself with a mortgage and kids....


Jduff posted 3/13/2019 16:16 PM

Diditagain85, dating is like an interview. To be engaged with someone is like a probationary period for a committed relationship. If your relationship was like a bank, you just caught her taking stacks of money out of the vault while you weren't looking. How could you trust her to stay on for a permanent basis? She just failed the test for fidelity. That offense is grounds for termination.

And next time don't decide to marry someone because you think "life is too short". If you married this woman, had kids with her, and THEN she cheated you would feel life isn't short enough.

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