"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

millionpieces posted 3/2/2019 16:14 PM

It’s been two weeks since my 2nd D-Day and I have done the necessary steps that are outlined, but I have yet to tell the OBS. I’m not entirely sure what came over me but since my initial conversation with the OW there has been all this rage building and I reached out to her for whatever reason and said that I needed to see her face to face, and see the person that was half as responsible as my WS. I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get out of this meeting but she has agreed to meet with me in a public place. Anyone has suggestions on what I should say? I know what I would like to do but don’t feel like being arrested I feel like I need to do this though so I can really start my own healing process. I know I will never understand bec her moral compass is broken and mine isn’t so my IC told me to stop trying to understand bec you never will. Wish me luck I think I may need it

[This message edited by millionpieces at 4:14 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)]

Marie2792 posted 3/2/2019 16:50 PM

I met the OW 7 months after dday. The consensus here is not to bother and that she let tell the truth, but mine mostkybgave he truth. I showed up at her door unannounced with a friend in tow.

I asked her how they met which uncovered the first lie. I wasn’t expecting that detail to not match what my husband told me. Other than a few sexual things, that he “bragged” they did and she says they didn’t, mostly everything matched. I know they had not been in cknctact since dday when we deleted her number from his phone and changed the number so they didn’t collaborate stories.

It’s going to be awkward. Ask what you really want to know in case you get cut short or it starts to go south. For example, two of the things I was concerned about was whether he had bad mouthed me to her in order to justify his cheating. He said no and she confirmed it. He told her we were separated and he was hoping we would work things out. The second thing was whether she knew anything about our family. She didn’t know my kids names and she didn’t know what genders they were.

I didn’t care about embarrassing her and I actually t rated her with respect. She had never met me and only knew what he told her. When he finally told her in week 3 that he was not separated she walked away. I recorded the whole 2 he conversation in my iPhone which was in my pocket. In my state only one other person had to know about it which was my friend.

If it is not going be a dangerous situation for either party then I would recommend it. Perhaps a friend can tail you maybe sit at another table alone and keep an eye and ear out tongwr you get you out of there if it gets overwhelming.

Odonna posted 3/2/2019 20:21 PM

((Millionpieces)) please postpone any meeting. You are too raw now and you do not want to give her any power over you. You know your husband has lied to you and her corroboration and elaboration will not help you now. Take some time to focus on yourself and to ascertain whether your wayward spouse has any inclination to be honest and remorseful.

HardenMyHeart posted 3/2/2019 20:27 PM

I know I will never understand bec her moral compass is broken and mine isn’t so my IC told me to stop trying to understand bec you never will.

Why on earth do you think that someone that is able to stoop so low as to try and poach someone's husband, would be capable of telling the whole truth. This lowlife, that you euphemistically refer to as the OW, already tried to hurt you in one of the worst ways possible. What makes you think the OW cares even one iota about you? Why don't you think she would not try to hurt you or your marriage even further.

Wish me luck I think I may need it

I'm not going to wish you luck, I'm going to wish you the wisdom to go No Contact (NC).
There is a wise saying often use on SI: NC = No New Hurts.
I'm going to strongly suggest that you follow this hard learned gem of wisdom.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 8:32 PM, March 2nd (Saturday)]

Starzen posted 3/2/2019 21:01 PM

Forget the OW and instead tell the OBS. Do not give the OW any power over you by meeting with her.

millionpieces posted 3/2/2019 21:23 PM

After reading some of the messages perhaps you all are right she is a lying liar so what am I expecting I acted in a rash moment and demanded that she meet me, but I definitely do not want to give her any power over myself.

I may go ahead and say for get it. At the time I thought I needed it for me closure for me, but wracking my mind idk what I would say. w

cocoplus5nuts posted 3/2/2019 21:29 PM

I agree that there's no point in meeting with the OW. Tell her BH. Focus on yourself.

Zamboni posted 3/2/2019 21:45 PM

Hey Millionpieces —

I haven’t logged on here in a long time so I am not familiar with your story.

Why in the world do you want to meet with the OW? Is it for closure? Truth?

You are likely not going to get the response you expect. I highly doubt she is sorry,and seeing you upset might bing her some type of sick satisfaction.

She is a soulless monster.

I wouldn’t meet with her. I think it’s going to make you more upset.

Buster123 posted 3/3/2019 03:51 AM

Make sure you tell her OBS immediately, you may even get more answers through him, he has access to her electronic devices, plus it's the right thing to do.

IslandGirl4418 posted 3/3/2019 06:56 AM

I understand you must be curious but please consider changing your mind about meeting OW. Nothing good will come of it. You will compare yourself to her. You know WH has lied to you. Now you are giving OW a chance to lie to you also. The details of things doesn't really matter in the end. You will torture yourself trying to figure out the real truth. Tell the OBS instead of meeting with OW, please. I wish you the best. This is a living hell, isn't it?

Rideitout posted 3/3/2019 07:04 AM

If you're still searching for the truth, tell the OBS, befriend him, and compare stories (your spouses and the APs). It's near impossible for them to keep the lies straight when there's NC, so you'll get MUCH closer to "the truth" than you will interrogating your spouse individually.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/3/2019 07:19 AM

Take a VAR with you, if it’s legal in your state, so you can prove to OBS that there was an affair.

FEEL posted 3/3/2019 12:39 PM

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get out of this meeting but she has agreed to meet with me in a public place.

So why bother spending one ounce of energy on this? If I was going to talk to anyone besides your WH I would be talking to the OBS to let her know.

The issue is NOT the OW. The issue is YOUR WH! You can meet with the OW and can tell her what a POS you think she is. So she stops seeing your WH. Do you think this fixes your WH.... ummm ... no. He's likely to move onto the next one at some point if he doesn't get himself sorted out. Then what?

I know it's tough and rage is certainly a common emotion many of us experience.

Personally, I would be spending my energy determining if I thought my WS was capable of putting in the work to make positive change and/or how I was going to remove myself from this situation (as that is truly the only way you can be 100% sure you won't have to worry about him going forward).