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Former Betrayed Spouse?

WithGrace posted 2/28/2019 15:04 PM

I joined SI a few years ago when I was at my lowest point. I've since divorced an entirely uncooperative XWH, sold my house, rented a fabulous condo, found a renewed enjoyment in my career, travelled internationally, reinvested in friendships and met a fantastic man.

I have never felt better and actually look back on the experience of infidelity with a feeling of gratefulness. Let me clarify what I mean... I would never wish the experience of being a BS on anyone but I learned some invaluable lessons by surviving infidelity and would not be who I am today without those experiences. I now feel confident in who I am, I know that no matter what someone else does, I will be okay and I really enjoy being on my own. I now identify as a "former betrayed spouse" or fBS and wonder if anyone else shares this sentiment?

Edited to add:
I don't post much but I do read a lot on SI. It makes me sad to see so many BS stuck in the horrors of infidelity years out from Dday. For anyone that might identify as a fBS or sees themselves as (mostly) recovered, what helped you move through it?

[This message edited by WithGrace at 3:19 PM, February 28th (Thursday)]

Phoenix1 posted 2/28/2019 15:08 PM

Awesome update! It DOES feel wonderful, doesn't it?

I would certainly count myself as a FBS. It was just another (bad) chapter of my life that I have put behind me.

LilBlackCat posted 2/28/2019 18:07 PM

I think that once I can get something legitimate in the book as far as being my last relationship, fling.. fwb buddy.. something.. I will feel that I can use that title.. While the D is in process, my book is empty on the love chapter after my M..

I no longer care or worry so much about meeting someone per sey.. but it not happening.. keeps my chapter stuck on the same ending..

Although I did have a short fling with someone in 2016, it was more of a crash and burn than it was fun.. So I would rather like to have something good be my next chapter filler and then feel like the past is the past.. Sounds weird? Yeah, as I'm typing I guess it does.. but I hope you guys understand what I mean.

ru79 posted 3/2/2019 14:24 PM

I am close to being a fBS and I will add the "f" once I am divorced!

For me, it is all the love I have received from family, friends. I am here today because so many people really invested in my life, and shaped who I am. I always liked who I am, and I have really worked to be a better person all my life. I realized that I can't let my WH break me down for the rest of my life! My life will move on the way I always wanted it to be! We have to leave those that drag us down and impair our own growth.

Broken332 posted 3/7/2019 20:37 PM

I understand what you're saying 100%. I too, have gotten to the point where I'm grateful that I've gone through what I've gone through. First, I don't think I would have left the otherwise bad relationship if something this drastic hadn't have happened. I didn't realize how unhappy, disrespected, ignored, etc.... I was until I was out. I was able to really look at myself and change what I didn't like. I can honestly say that I'm a better person for what I went through. I'm more confident, more stable, and I don't settle for less than I deserve anymore. It's a great feeling!

TrustGone posted 3/8/2019 09:22 AM

I see myself as a fbs. My life is much better than I ever imagined it would be. I have a new sweet hubby, a nice home, and I found my strength again. As my tagline says a person is either an asset or a lesson. I look at my two failed marriages now and am grateful that I was strong enough to put myself first and didn't continue to settle for unremorseful partners.

FEEL posted 3/12/2019 22:36 PM

It makes me sad to see so many BS stuck in the horrors of infidelity years out from Dday.
This is what moved me through it. I realized the only way I could truly move through it (without another day of worrying about trust being broken or truth being withheld) was for me to move on. After years of trying to R, I realized the only sure way was to move on. Even though the D cost me financially SO MUCH of what I worked so hard to accumulate and was worried about it, I realized that option was less painful than staying in a marriage built upon lies. It was a tough lesson to learn, but grateful to learn from it and to have moved on.

This is reinforced when I read the story of a BS that clearly should be leaving the relationship, but is making excuses for staying in the M. It's so easy to see when you are on the outside vs being stuck in it. Because I was stuck in it it makes me so grateful to have figured it out and being a BS part of my past now.

SallyShrink81 posted 3/13/2019 22:55 PM

I wouldn't even consider myself a fBS. I just consider myself to be.. me. I don't associate my identity with infidelity anymore. But yes that feeling is INCREDIBLE. I am also very happy to have that experience because I grew so much from it and my life is great in ways that it never would have been otherwise.

I think the biggest thing that helped was to focus on healing myself and my kiddos. I did that in many ways such as IC, running, a FWB or two , DivorceCare, reiki, essential oils, etc. All sorts of practical as well as woowoo stuff. I did basically nearly everything that was suggested because I figured if it didn't hurt I might as well.

nortonj posted 3/14/2019 10:15 AM


Did you seek individual counseling during this time?

I'm so delighted to hear of your transformation!

WithGrace posted 3/16/2019 11:03 AM

I work in the mental health field so I have access to colleagues for ongoing support with personal and professional issues to ensure I remain fit to practice. So yes, I have IC of sorts.

Having access to professional help was an important part of my healing. Take the time to choose a good therapist and it will do wonders for recovery.

lizgwvet posted 3/16/2019 13:37 PM

Working on the F, another's mental instability does not define me.

Cheatee posted 3/21/2019 09:28 AM


I also feel an enormous sense of relief to be out of the "blast zone" of a highly unhealthy person. While the extrication process was lengthy and painful, the bliss I feel now is worth it.

Williesmom posted 3/24/2019 19:44 PM

I dont feel like a fbs because his actions don't get to define what I am. I identify as Single.

However, I have been divorced for over 10 years, so maybe it's a time thing.

Tripletrouble posted 3/24/2019 21:32 PM

I think that if you do not have to share children with XWS it helps tremendously in being able to move on. When they still have to be in your life as your children's other parent I think it can stall you out, especially if they are with AP and/or pull a bunch of NPD bullcrap.

For me getting remarried kind of restoked some of my issues. My therapist likened it to fearing a disease in remission coming back.

I hate that it still haunts me, but it does. It does not, however, define me. And it does not control my happiness or my decision making.

thebighurt posted 3/25/2019 09:30 AM

Haven't really thought about being a (F)BS, because in order to be that, you need to be a S, which I have not been for over 7 years!

Just a note, SallyShrink81, you may not identify with that designation, but your tag line still carries those letters to identify you.

I'm with WilliesMom. A nice young man recently entered my information at a medical facility and one question was "marital status", to which I answered "divorced". He looked at me and said that he didn't like that for me, that he was entering "single", because that seemed more like how he would describe me. I really liked that and think of myself that way now!

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