Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Tell OW?

Pages: 1 · 2

1Faith posted 2/26/2019 15:00 PM

So if I contact OW is that interference?

No more than your WH having several affairs while you were married. If I were your attorney I would argue that his seeing other women prior to the divorce could be construed as interference.

Do you have an attorney?

Again, what do you have to lose? Is there a financial tie to the separation agreement?

(((gently))) We know it is a scary thought to tell people as it makes it so much more real. You come across as you are torn and want us to tell you NOT to tell the OW. Only you can know what is right for you, what will help you heal.

Stop allowing WH (and what I assume is his or his lawyers language in the separation agreement) to dictate your life. Do what is right for YOU.

((sending strength))

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 16:31 PM

I really want to contact this OW. But I don't want to go against the agreement or do anything that is construed as harassment (if I message her).

1Faith posted 2/26/2019 16:46 PM

But I don't want to go against the agreement

Why? What is the downside? Financial?

Usually harassment in the legal definition is consistent unwanted contact. If you contact her once and then are done it would not be defined legally as harassment if you sent a message to her via email or social media. Once and done.

Once and if you send the message then what? What are your next steps for YOU?

What do you believe you need to do for YOU to move forward?

Buster123 posted 2/26/2019 16:50 PM

Tell her anonymously first and wait until D is final to provide more proof if need be, if you tell anonymously and point her in the right direction, if she's smart she would want to verify it.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 16:52 PM

I don't know what indirect or direct interference means and if I do contact OW what are the ramifications of that based on the agreement?

Maybe I should ask my lawyer but then it sounds so petty. "Hi, I'd like to contact the OW to warn her about my X who is a cheater."

I feel like if I contact OW then I can move on because it lets X know that I know that everything he said during reconciliation was a lie. X said he went with his father on vacation to deal with his depression and I found the cruise pictures. X and OW look very happy.

Bigger posted 2/26/2019 17:44 PM

Do you really think she doesnít know?
Look Ė I might be a prime candidate to be the King of Exposure, but it needs to serve a bigger and better purpose than revenge.

Do you REALLY think he can go on a cruise with OW, think she hasnít googled him or asked around? I am willing to place money on her already knowing, but maybe being told by WH that you are separated (true) and/or divorcing (true). For her thatís probably enough.

But even if she doesnít knowÖ what will her knowing change?
IMHO it will only make you come across as a vengeful and spiteful ex-wife and confirm whatever lies he has told about you.

Focus on real issues. Like the agreement to not pay your savings if you keep your pension.
Did you have an attorney go over that? Did a legally qualified person go over your list of assets and debts and confirm that what is on the table is (a) fair and (b) to your advantage? Has an attorney told you that using what is legally joint income to pay for a holiday with his mistress is deductible from the joint-assets account?
Divorce is too serious to handle with a DIY book at the kitchen table.

I can promise you that the BEST and most SATISFYING way to get the message across to her would be to make it financially harder for him to treat her like a princess.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 18:10 PM

X is pretty hidden on social media and I have nothing on social media. OW didn't know my name so she couldn't find me. We were reconciling when he was seeing OW at the same time. My lawyer has gone over everything. We didn't have a joint account and have separated the debt. My lawyer asked for repayment of my savings which I used to pay for X's education but of course his lawyer came back about my pension. If I don't have my pension I have nothing because everything was done for X and his education and two new cars, nice clothes, etc. I just think it's unfair that he can continue to charm and con his way through life. It's like a hurricane with all of the destruction left in its path.

Bigger posted 2/26/2019 18:19 PM

Have you calculated the present value of your pension, his pension and what the difference is?
Did your attorney tell you that WH has at most probably the ability to claim half of your pension earned since you two got married? Is the value of half your pension earned in the last 10 years more or less than the value of your savings?
Does he have a pension? If no then why? Where did his money go?
Can you claim spousal support?
Does his reckless spending on OW have an impact?

His attorney answered your claim with a threat. Stare him down. Itís legal chicken. He can make ANY claim he wants, doesnít mean he getís it.

Focus on these issues. The OWÖ her revenge will be to get your ex husband.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 18:55 PM

My pension is worth more than his as he had a small one until he got his amazing new job after we were separated. My pension is worth more than my savings and I consulted with my financial planner and he told me to take my pension and run. I can't claim spousal support because I made more money than him and supported him to get his education. Now we are roughly the same in terms of salary.

He was just promoted to another job. It's so unfair that I sacrificed everything because I thought we could finally enjoy once he finished studying. The OW gets to benefit from my hard work. At the same time she may be the nicest person in the world and not have a clue about X. I didn't and either did his friends. He had another set of friends that no one knew anything about.


Bigger posted 2/26/2019 19:20 PM

To be clear:
HALF of the present value of your pension earned in the last 10 years, minus half of his pension for the last 1o years is more than the savings?
Donít forget to take your pension from before the marriage plus itís earnings out of the equation.

OK Ė Has your financial advisor or your attorney mentioned that there are numerous cases where a wifeís participation in funding the husbands education allows her a more generous distribution of assets or support?

tooreal posted 2/27/2019 10:20 AM

Iíll have to figure out the pension amounts. But my pension started the year we were married. I asked my lawyer about finances related to support I provided during his education and he said there was nothing I could do. X is already at the same salary as me only 1.5 years after his degree. All of this is heartbreaking and so hard to handle.

tooreal posted 2/27/2019 20:29 PM

Did anyone here ever contact the OW?

k8la posted 2/27/2019 22:47 PM

TooReal:

Did anyone here ever contact the OW?

I only sent an email telling her she could have him; I didn't want the man she had contaminated back since he'd never be the man God intended him to be while she was in his life. Then I blocked her.

I'm in a recovering marriage now, but I had every intention at the time of giving him only enough time to win me back as it took for me to get the divorce I wanted.

DarylB posted 2/27/2019 23:15 PM

Do you live in a state where a divorce can be filed on the basis of adultery? If so, the lawyers may want to have another conversation about negotiating your savings account balance. Perhaps filing on that basis and having a subpoena issued to have his current partner appear in court may make him more willing to negotiate on paying back your savings and leaving your pension alone. He may not want his current lady finding out how he manipulated you into funding his expensive education.

On a happier note, since you have been married for more than 10 years, you should be entitled to part of his social security if you are single at that time and his earnings exceed yours. Privately ask your lawyer how you can collect that....assuming social security still exists when you reach that age! That would be a pleasant out of the blue gotcha many years down the road.

tooreal posted 3/1/2019 08:21 AM

Itís no fault divorce so unfortunately nothing I can do there. Still debating what to do about contacting OW but I did call my lawyer for an appt to see where we are in terms of the divorce going through.

Cooley2here posted 3/1/2019 08:34 AM

I hope I am wrong but it appears you were used by a sociopath to get an education. I think he set you up from the beginning. I have no idea if he suffers from any of the personality disorders on cluster B but if he does the best thing you can do is get the divorce and not see him for dust. You need to move on as quickly as possible. He is not good for you and he will not be good for any woman who comes into his orbit. Be thankful this is all you lost.

MamaDragon posted 3/1/2019 08:44 AM

Once the divorce decree is signed and official, send her a copy of it certified mail. If that doesn't get her attention, nothing will.

tooreal posted 3/1/2019 09:18 AM

I think I was definitely used. I have been left with nothing while he has gotten promoted and is moving in with his OW. He just keeps lying and cheating. Nothing seems to affect these cheaters.

MickeyBill2016 posted 3/6/2019 14:50 PM

FWIW my XWW wanted me to pay half of her MBA student loan debt as it occurred during the marriage. The arbitrator said that if I paid for half of that, then I would get a % of her future earnings. forever. Which sounded like it could be lucrative .
Good thing I didn't take that because she had a kid 3 months after our D was final and only volunteers part time at his school. Her $80,000 MBA helps her organize tardy slips.

Is there any way to prove you paid for his education and therefore he owes you either the tuition or a part of his fancy job earnings?

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

Return to Just Found Out

© 2002-2019 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy