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Tell OW?

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tooreal posted 2/26/2019 07:03 AM

My last post was in 2017. Everything you all said came true. I wish I hadn't dragged out everything and listened to all of you here. I think I was in too much shock at the time. I tried reconciliation only to find out he was still cheating with the OW. The OW doesn't know I exist. I only found out her last name recently. Do I tell the OW that she is being lied to?

Fbtjax posted 2/26/2019 07:13 AM

If the OW is also married or in a relationship, the best way to introduce yourself is by telling the OBS.

Trdd posted 2/26/2019 07:17 AM

I took this from a well written post:

I find it troubling that there are so many posters that once they discover their spouse is having an affair with a married person, they for what ever reason never inform the OBS. Ive seen all the excuses,"Iam taking the high road,"I wont lower myself an do that","Iam waiting for the right time"(that never comes)etc...Telling the OBS, is literally a life an death matter.Some stds can stay dormant for decades an eventually kill you.The OBS has the right an need to know.
By not telling the OBS YOU now become a co-conspirator against them along with your cheating spouse an their lover. Think what the OBS will think of you when they learn that you knew an never told them. Telling the OBS is the quickest way of ending the affair an getting you out of infidelity in addition to getting your power back. Alaways tell the OBS.

The1stWife posted 2/26/2019 07:17 AM

Does the OW not know he is married?

Bigger posted 2/26/2019 07:20 AM

I scanned through your older posts.
What do you hope to gain by telling THIS OW heís married?
BTW Ė is this the same OW that thought you were in an open marriage?

The problem isnít the OW. The problem is your husband.
The problem is that you are afraid of taking this problem head-on.

pearlamici posted 2/26/2019 07:23 AM

I read through your older posts - is this a different OW? Also forgive me if I'm way off but it sounds to me like he has been using you - you supported him through his education and he keeps stringing you along - you kept asking if he loved you anymore - don't listen to what he says (he's a proven liar) his actions show he is not loving towards you.

Marie2792 posted 2/26/2019 07:25 AM

What is your end goal? If you are still trying to reconcile, he needs to end his affair. Outing OW to her partner or spouse, or her family is essential. Not only for STD control. Affairs often fizzle when the sneaky factor is removed. Itís kike water in a fire.

If you are in divorce mode, still tell the OBS. The Ow doesnít deserve any loyalty or advice from you. If she thinks he wonít cheat on her sheís delusional. He of course will, because he isnít doing the work on himself to be a safe partner for anyone.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 08:50 AM

This is the 3rd OW. She doesnít know he is married. We are in the process of divorcing. I had to do everything for the divorce. She doesnít know he was cheating on me with her. During reconciliation I found their sex pictures on his phone. He wouldnít tell me her name. I was able to find out. Does she deserve to know? She is not married.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 08:53 AM

The 2nd OW thought we had an open marriage and she is the one who provided me with most of the cheating information.

Bigger posted 2/26/2019 08:59 AM

You guys divorcing? As in already filed?
Or ďdivorcingĒ as in you have threatened to divorce but nobodyís talking to an attorney yet?
Then donít bother. Get the best divorce settlement you can and move on.

pearlamici posted 2/26/2019 09:13 AM

Then I'd say yes - tell her.... He's her problem now but for her sake - She should know she is in a relationship with a man mid-divorce. That relationship will go well

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 10:03 AM

I have filed for divorce. He agreed to release my pension if he didnít have to pay back my savings. So I have lost those. He took her on a cruise while he told me he was depressed and suicidal because of his cheating. Guess dancing on a cruise helps with that. OW doesnít know anything and that I found her lovely sex pics. I feel like he is lying to everyone and getting away with it. I canít imagine how she would feel knowing I saw her pics.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 10:04 AM

I wish someone had told me he was cheating. I guess the question is does she deserve to know too?

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 10:16 AM

This whole thing has really been bothering me. Xís father still has my pictures on FB. I donít even know if soon to be ex father in law knows we are divorcing. He has a picture of my ex and I, and there is a pic of my father in law and me. My father in law was always nice to me. Do I tell OW anonymously? Sigh....

Hopeful30 posted 2/26/2019 10:19 AM

I would wait until you are sure you have a good settlement.

She most likely wonít believe you, or will think you are jealous, or that it will be different with her.

I learned that from a previous relationship, and it did happen to her too, except they had a kid. Wish she had listened.

RubixCubed posted 2/26/2019 10:51 AM


Tell everyone if it won't hurt your divorce settlement. If it's going to piss him off and make him fight you for everything, wait until the divorce is final THEN tell everyone. Why Lie and cover for his jackassedness. It makes it look like you were OK with it, and lets him spin whatever tale he wants making you the villain.

ibonnie posted 2/26/2019 10:54 AM

Do I tell OW anonymously? Sigh....

Why anonymously? Just tell her that he's been married during their entire relationship, he's a serial cheater and she's the THIRD other woman. Then let her decide what she wants to do with that information.

1Faith posted 2/26/2019 11:08 AM

Yes, tell the OW in a matter of fact, straight forward way.

"I believe you are unaware but I wanted to let you know that WH has been married the entire time he was seeing you. We did not and do not have an open marriage. He has been lying to us both. I am choosing to divorce him because he is a serial cheater but wanted to do the decent thing and let you know who it is your are actually "dating"..."

Why would you NOT tell her? What is the downside?

And YES, tell your father in law. Your WH's serial cheating is NOT your secret to hide.

"I am sorry to be the one to let you know that WH and I are divorcing. It makes me so sad that it has come to this but unfortunately he has had serious problems with being faithful. I simply can't live like this anymore. I will always in some ways think of you as family and I am so grateful for the kindness and love you have extended me over the years..."

tooreal, you have to be strong for yourself. You are still trying to protect your WH. Why?

Please consider IC for you. Just you. You have been mentally abused with all of his lies and deceit. You deserve to be happy with someone that will treat you with honesty and respect.

(((good luck)))

Coreofsteel posted 2/26/2019 11:49 AM

Yes, I think you should tell her, once you think it's safe for you to do so.

tooreal posted 2/26/2019 12:59 PM

In my separation agreement it says something about living apart and not having direct or indirect interference. So if I contact OW is that interference?

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