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A very satisfying Ted talk

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Bbygrl1079 posted 2/21/2019 13:40 PM

My husband sent me this link to a Ted talk that is very insightful. Some of us betrayed may be a little put off her joking tone in the beginning but keep pushing.
My take aways were that I don't have to take the affair personally because it was not about me or meant against me. It led me to question why I am so inclined to take it personally.
She gives great insight into what may have been going through WS head throughout the whole affair. My H has never had the words for what he's feeling so he generally finds things that help explain it all.
It's not meant as a defense for their transgression. Just a bit of insight for thos whose WS isn't giving the right kind of answers. If your D-Day is fresh fresh, I would wait until I had a clearer head to hear this talk.

Shocked123 posted 2/21/2019 15:46 PM

I found the talk to be rather light on the hurt that affairs cause betrayed spouses. There is very little empathy for the betrayed spouse and even an underlying message that they are somehow to blame. Affairs are 100% on the betrayer and she makes no mention of the underlying issues that may cause infidelity. The real ones, not the typical lack of communication or drifted apart excuses. Iím referring to weak boundaries, immorality. Possible addiction, effects on children and extended family, resulting anxiety and depression from
Lying and being lied to etc.
Instead, this stand up comedian of a ďtherapistĒ tries to convince us that an affair is an opportunity to create a new marriage. Sure, have your fun then weíll start a new marriage where I will change for you and keep my fingers crossed that you wonít cheat again. We wonít really deal with the issues and prretend that the afffair is the best thing to ever happen to our marriage.
Sorry, but I did.not find this talk productive at all. I can see why a wayward spouse would like it. This therapist gaslights and rug sweeps; just like the cheaters who act out during a marriage.
She spends too much time justifying affairs and does not address the long term consequences.

max2018 posted 2/21/2019 15:55 PM

And that right there why affairs are acceptable in this world

It's not about you

It's not about the family

It won't affect the kids


Coreofsteel posted 2/21/2019 16:37 PM

Everything I've ever seen with Esther Perel has left me really feeling as though she doesn't understand the BS at all. I'm not surprised your H sent you that link, because it minimizes the pain/hurt that BS feel. I'm speaking generally, but I'm glad it helped you. I find it really triggering.

Hopeful30 posted 2/21/2019 17:48 PM

I have always felt that E Perel is a wayward.

Bbygrl1079 posted 2/21/2019 18:28 PM

It helps me to frame it in as many ways as possible. If I can understand the motives and thought process, I can protect myself in case there's a future D-Day. It helps me stay in acceptance as well and move away from anger and indignation. I have been so sick of holding on to it. The anger feels icky.

Hold2win posted 2/21/2019 18:36 PM

I watched this TED talk a couple weeks ago, when the pain was still fresh. I did not enjoy the video, she didn't tell me all would be ok like I wanted.

Maybe I'll rewatch it in a couple weeks, see how I feel about it then

HouseOfPlane posted 2/22/2019 08:16 AM

Everything I've ever seen with Esther Perel has left me really feeling as though she doesn't understand the BS at all.
If it is true that affairs are 100% on the WS, and she is there to talk about the affair and the why, and how to get what you were looking for in a healthy way instead of a destructive one, then why would she talk about the BS? If the BS had no role in causing the affair?

I know this is not a popular stance, but it is hard to simultaneously argue it is not about me yet all about me.

There a whole nuther video series to be done on how a BS survives an affair, but she's not doing that. That is for someone else to do.

onthefence123 posted 2/22/2019 10:07 AM

I have always felt that E Perel is a wayward.
Nailed it. That's exactly what she sounds like.

xhz700 posted 2/22/2019 10:29 AM

I have said it before, and I will say it again. Esther Perel is hot garbage.

beenthereinco posted 2/22/2019 10:36 AM

There a whole nuther video series to be done on how a BS survives an affair, but she's not doing that. That is for someone else to do.

If she would speak the truth to a WS though she would tell them to understand the pain they have caused and face that. Face honestly what they have done. Instead she gives them this sense that maybe they've done their marriage a favor.

HouseOfPlane posted 2/22/2019 11:13 AM

I'm reading an article by her now, and with respect to the BS it is full of "devastated, shock, shattered, maelstrom of emotions, symptoms of trauma and PTSD"

I think she gets the pain. She has been counseling couples for 30 years. You think she hasn't seen it first hand?

She helps people here at SI. Not all, obviously. But the raw ad hominem attacks on her are unhelpful to the people she is helping.

Regarding doing the marriage a favor, I sense this fear that if in healing you end up with a more honest, truthful marriage (is that better?) then that would somehow justify the affair. And therefore the marriage after the affair must be worse. I wonder if that fear causes people to subtly sabotage achieving the best potential of healing the marriage.

HellFire posted 2/22/2019 11:15 AM

I've followed your posts,but haven't commented. Your dday is extremely recent. All of your posts reek of rugsweeping. Reconciliation is a process. There is no fast track. I really worry that your husband is either going to cheat again. Or you're going to eventually be overwhelmed with the emotions you're trying to avoid.

There's a reason we say it takes 3 to 5 years to heal from this.

As for Ester? Its worrisome that your husband thinks she is someone who can help. She makes excuses. She shifts blame to the marriage,or the BS. She's no expert. She's not a therapist. She's,as someone else said, hot garbage.

LLXC posted 2/22/2019 11:43 AM

She's no expert. She's not a therapist

You might disagree with her, but she absolutely IS a therapist. She doesn't have a PhD, and she definitely does not do clinical research, but she 100% IS a therapist, and I've seen a few people here say she isn't, and I do not understand why.

I actually really like her, but I think the way she talks about cheating in her videos can be really offputting. Where I find her to be incredible is in the videos and podcasts of her therapy sessions. She is an amazing therapist. Truly, truly amazing.

I also think her style might not work for everyone, and that is ok. But it doesn't mean she is garbage. If she helps some people heal, that is what matters. I DO wish in her videos she would talk more about the trauma that cheating causes. She DOES talk about it all the time in her therapy sessions though.

I do not think she has cheated. I DO think that she grew up in a certain time and place in which cheating had a different meaning. I think she gives explanations about why people cheat, and she does it in a non-judgmental way, which 1) comes across as condoning cheating and 2) makes the cheated-on person feel like they don't matter. However, in her articles and in the sessions I've seen, she shows a lot of empathy, more so, to the cheated-on person. But she does not judge the cheater. Which I think can be a problem for some people who've been cheated on. And that is ok. It does not mean she is garbage though.

HouseOfPlane posted 2/22/2019 11:54 AM

She said one of my favorite quotes: "Honor is the counterforce of shame."

sewardak posted 2/22/2019 13:04 PM

"Everything I've ever seen with Esther Perel has left me really feeling as though she doesn't understand the BS at all. I'm not surprised your H sent you that link, because it minimizes the pain/hurt that BS feel."

this. anytime I read her name here I groan.

I caution you, your DDay was a month ago! Recently, your husband was still mooning over his AP, missing her.

I fear you are rugsweeping and this Ted talk will not help.

[This message edited by sewardak at 1:07 PM, February 22nd (Friday)]

Bbygrl1079 posted 2/22/2019 17:57 PM

I've actually been climbing this mountain since it all began almost a year ago. I just found my smoking gun on D-Day so I could wreck shop. There isn't any rug sweeping if we are constantly talking about at least 2 to 3 times a week. We like to be more civilized than we were about everything a month ago. We got one week to go primal before it felt stupid and unproductive.
I have good days and bad days. On my bad days I get pissed at thoughts of him cheating again and I don't even have to say a word about it first. He's there for me, reassuring me. Letting me vent my pain.
He knows the cost of another affair. He knows the cost of contact with AP. There are more ways than I can keep up with to contact someone on the down low so why waste my time on it anymore. I may check his email on a bad day or his Google drive. Our phones stay unlocked and I never feel the need to look in them.
I'm not trying to hold on to anger and I've already planted my shit sandwich in the garden. We are trying to grow and if we are being naive to think we can grow from this, it will be our undoing.
The bottom line is we love each other. It took something heinous to wake up our passion. We are getting pretty solid. Our MC says the revelations we have come to so far take some couples years to get to.
My timeline isn't the same as anybody else's. We are braced for a possible meltdown. I could lose my shit tomorrow. He could lose his shit tomorrow. And that's okay as long as we're honest about why we're upset.
Don't insinuate that our process isn't valid because it doesn't go by a book. We're outliers. We have never moved in orthodox fashion through any life event.
I appreciate your concern but I think we are doing great so far. Maybe that first huge fight we have down the line will be the tester. We may never have one of those. Who's to say? The future is unknown. I'm glad the love of my life still loves me no matter how hard we've pushed each other away. Healing us and making us solid is more important and powerful than our egos.

Serpico posted 2/22/2019 19:11 PM

Good ol' Esther Perel. Notorious for laying the fault of infidelity at the feet of the betrayed.

I don't mean this the wrong way, but I can see why your wayward sent it to you.

staystrong101 posted 2/22/2019 21:34 PM

Please donít fall for this manipulation by your WS. Iíve seen several threads about this EP Ted Talk over the years. Iím sure there have been more. She normalizes cheating and even talks about how cheating/betrayal/lies can improve a M. Perfect way for a cheater to minimize their choices, and also convenient for BS who really want to rug sweep what their spouse chose to do to them. Please be careful.

Bbygrl1079 posted 2/22/2019 22:27 PM

I defend it. It was presented as a way of explaining his state of mind during the affair. I'm glad he has the balls to share his state of mind. We're exploring the what and why at this point so we don't get back to that place that left the door open. .I'm sure her sterile tone turns some off while the emotions are running high. I got a little salty when she started with jokes but pressed on so I could discuss it with the hubs afterward. I found it helpful to get inside his head.

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