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Struggling so Bad

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nekonamida posted 2/21/2019 12:21 PM

The most frustrating part right now is I don't feel he is telling the whole truth. He is remorseful.

Cally, this is regret - not remorse. Full honesty and accountability is required for remorse. You don't have that yet. It's very clear that he did pay for extras. And the fact that he went through trying to delete everything last minute is also very concerning.

Did you ask him where that $240 per cash withdrawal was going? Is there something else he was hiding like a drug addiction? You might want to consider a polygraph if you have already tried to retrieve deleted data on his phone.

Cally1975 posted 2/21/2019 18:14 PM

That is a great point about regret not remorse. I never looked at it that way.
I did ask well why 300.00 you certainly had enough to pay for what ever extras you wanted. He said well I wasn't going to pay a bunch of money for them to do something else. He claims the other extra cash was for having drinks at a bars and bought lottery tickets. He didn't want me knowing he was out of town and drinking.
I have no reason to suspect drug addiction. But I never did expect this either.
I did finally do the dr fone recovery free trial. I seen nothing I haven't seen. No proof of calls, deleted texts etc. Not sure if you pay you see more.
At this point polygraph will be mandatory. I was hoping he would come clean so I didn't have to fork out 600.00. But at this point I don't care. I want and need to know if he is telling me the truth.

mamabear22 posted 2/22/2019 09:00 AM

I did finally do the dr fone recovery free trial. I seen nothing I haven't seen. No proof of calls, deleted texts etc. Not sure if you pay you see more.

I wondered the same thing so I bought the program and didn't find anything else that wasn't in the free trial. In my experience, save your money.

I guess that is a good thing that you didn't find anything else, I would still recommend a poly.

Shocked123 posted 2/22/2019 15:35 PM

Have you asked him why he didn't go to a normal/therapeutic/medical type of massage establishment?
One that gives legitimate receipts that you can put on insurance?
If the massages were so 'legitimate' why didnt' he tell you he was going? If he had nothing to hide, why was he hiding?
I asked my H these same questions and he looked foolish trying to answer them. He quickly began to spit out the truth.
Your H is insulting your intelligence.
No man goes to these parlours for a regular massage. If it weren't so hurtful to you, I'd almost say it's funny that he thinks he can get away with that explanation.

Cally1975 posted 2/23/2019 15:47 PM

Shocked his 1st excuse for the massage parlor was they are the only ones open late. Then and Oh believe me on very intense questioning he admitted that maybe it was kind of high that he knew what could happen. Now as of yesterday he has admitted he did get a table shower like 3 times. He said they wash you then dry then you get on the table for the massage. When they are done with massage they will ask if you want something else. He says that at that point he wasn't going to pay 60.00 more for anything else. And again this is what he claims.
I was so pissed at even hearing about the table showers. I said do you seriously think even THAT is appropriate? Another woman washing your naked body? He looked like he got punched in the gut. He told me he needs IC and needs church. That he doesn't want to be this person any longer. He said he needs to find out what is wrong with him.
I know this probably isn't right at all. I am very very faithful to my husband and he knows this. But lack of sleep, food, and being a jumble of emotions I told him this...I said you know with the dating sites, porn, getting a girls phone number while drunk, and massage parlors. I think what I need is to my find me a man and have one hell of a time one night. After all I have only known one dick for the last 11 years. Then the hurt won't be as strong in my heart. And we can both move forward forgiving each other.
He told me he was living a double life and needs serious help. But told me he swears upon everything his dick, nor mouth nor anything was ever in or on another woman. That it never went to anything beyond the massage and table shower. But if that's what I felt I needed he would forgive me. But noted we would be on different levels of forgiveness.

Shocked123 posted 2/25/2019 12:25 PM

Two wrongs donít make a right. Please try to refrain from madhatting as it will only complicate things and give him something to throw in your face.
I know about the table showers. They often involve handjobs.
Then they proceed to the massage after with a regular shower after that.
In my experience, if a man chooses a massage Iím sure h an establishment three times, he is not going back for the thrill of seeing if things will progress. He admitted to refusing to pay $60 extra dollars. Why did he go back a second and third time? Certainly not to be offered again and refuse twice more. It just doesnít make sense.
My H had the audacity to try the just a massage story with me as well. Then it progressed to admitting to HJ, oral sex, touching the women and Iím working on getting him to admit to full sex. You see, he did this for 12 years. Another thing they lie about; frequency and duration.
Thatís not to say that every manís nasty habit escalate beyond HJís but I know my Hís did.
Ask your H band why he didnít stop going after the first time. Ask him if he felt guilty. Ask him if he wanted more services every time he went. Ask him if it disrupted his personal or professional life.
He seems to be asking for help. My feeling is that this habit became something he had a hard time co trolling and is. Ow realizing how much hurt it has caused everyone.
I suggest Regular IC as a boundary for possible R. Itís all very nice that he is showing remorse but donít forget that you discovered this and he probably would not have stopped on his own. I believe he regrets getting caught because now he has to do the work to figure out why.

nekonamida posted 2/25/2019 12:39 PM

First he swore that he got a number from a girl at a bar and nothing else. Then he swore that it was only dating sites but nothing else. Then he swore that it was only a massage but nothing else. Now he swears that it was only a table shower but nothing else.

Don't believe him. Get the polygraph. The money doesn't lie. He had plenty for extras and alcohol.

Did you ever look to see if he was reviewing and posting about these places using his username for rubmaps?

Cally1975 posted 2/25/2019 22:07 PM

I know you are right two wrongs don't make a right. I think the rage I have over this is starting to come out.
Oh believe me I feel it in my whole gut that he is withholding info. But those are some good questions to ask.
And exactly he didn't stop on his own!! He was caught.
Did you just keep asking and your husband finally admitted the truth?

Cally1975 posted 2/25/2019 22:16 PM

I did search his rub map account. Also his craigslist account, e-mail account, dating site account,facebook and messenger. I have used the Dr. Fone to recover his deleted stuff. All of this shows nothing. I mean it shows he created a new email and the sites. But no messages, no texts etc.
On rub maps no reviews or posts to the forum.
There was a phone call one night to a girl he seen while out drinking. It shows he called and she never picked up. I called and spoke with her directly after finding the number. But it's way crossing the line to get someones number. Also to lie and say your going to bed then go out to bars.

Shocked123 posted 2/26/2019 21:53 PM

I caught on because i saw Craig's list on my H's work computer. i stayed quiet for a full 10 weeks while I gathered proof, did lots of reading on the subject, watched his location history and talked to two PI's who gave me lots of tips on how to investigate on my own. These men were a godsend and never charged me anything.
How did I get more info out of my H? Simple. Everytime he fed me a morsel of truth I just said you're lying, there's more. I know there's more. He thought I hired a PI, so wasn't sure what I knew or didnt' know. He went from admitting to 1 year to 2 ,to 3 to 5 to 8 and to 10 years and then admitted to more in China. He claims only two more years but I know this started even before that. He is presently in IC with a CSAT and one day we will have a full disclosure session whenI will probably find out what I have been suspecting all along; This has been going on much longer than he cares to remember and he did more than he is admitting to.
If your H really cares about keeping your marriage together, he will welcome your questions and concerns. If he shows any type of defensiveness, frustration, anger or impatience, it's probably because he's afraid that you will catch him in more lies. My H was kind at the beginning and eventually answered my questions to a point, then he became more impatient with me as the months wore on and I made more and more sense with my questioning and challenged him on his answers. It was then that I knew he was hiding more but can't seem to face it himself. Almost one year out and he is finally seeing a CSAT. It has taken him a long time to realize that his habit was much more than a hobby. This is just the beginning of the process. We have years of therapy ahead of us. He needs to dig deep within himself and I need time to heal, if that ever really happens.
All this to say that if your gut is telling you something (and I'm sure you're right), then don't let your guard down, don't compromise, don't let him pull the wool over your eyes.
Stand firm and tall and demand the truth.
He needs to know that you are in control now.
looking back over this past year, I wish I had found a CSAT sooner and had not wasted money on MC. All that did was make me feelt that I should get over it, talk to my H more and enjoy a new and improved marriage. There was no time dedicated to my healing, my trauma, my heartache. It was all about reconnecting and forgiving. Useless and much too premature.
Save your money and focus on IC. If he won't go then get one for yourself.

Cally1975 posted 3/3/2019 16:03 PM

Well, this weekend was a tough one. My gut and mind would not rest. I knew there was more. I wrote hubby a 10 page letter front and back which I read to him face to face. It outlined everything he has done, time frames, etc. I told him he needed to take the mask all the way off. It was only half way off. There would be no chance at reconciliation at all if not. Even with it I wasn't sure. But there wasn't any chance on it at all without.
He admitted to a happy ending by masturbation and it happened 3 times. He admitted to being a habitual masturbator. He said the hook up sites etc were all visual. He broke down crying which he never does. He told me he has been this way before me. For as long as he can remember. He said he was living a double life. Keeping secrets that nobody knew about at all. That tranny porn has been a fetish. He would never see himself actually acting on that aspect. He told me now that I have brought everything in the open he is sick to his stomach on who he has become. Then he told me he needs help. He has to figure this out.
He admitted to things he didn't even have to. Like depression in the past. Printing out pictures as a young teen to get off. As well as other things. It's like some kind of damn let loose. You could totally see the shame and torment in him. I am not excusing it at all.
He said he wore a condom during the handjob. He said there was no touching etc of the girl. He isn't sure why. But that he didn't. But he said he physically feels sick to his stomach that he let it get that far. From porn, to hook up sites visuals, to surfing craigslist to going to parlors. He told me he is a worthless human being.
I brought up an article on sexual addiction. He never researches stuff or should I say reads cuz he hates it. He told me it sounded like him. That it was almost he needed a bigger high. And he had everything right in front of him. But even with that he said again he needed help to figure out why.
With this confession I do realize there could be a possibility there is more. But my heart and gut feel completely at ease. I feel with every sense of my being that he told me the truth. He said he is willing to take a lie detector to prove what he said was the truth.
I asked him if saying it was a hand job made it less of infidelity to him. He said no, it doesn't minimize it at all. He said I did cheat 3 different times.
Now I feel a whole different level of sickness and heart break. But I do feel he told the truth.
Quite shockingly though as a lot of spouses who cheat they want to bury it and not speak about it. I told him he couldn't do that. He needed to make it a point to ask me how I was doing with this and be open to more discussion. He has done that for 2 days. He has held me while I cried. He has cooked, helped clean, grocery shopped. I have caught him twice getting very emotional when he looks at me and can see my pain.
He told me he understood if I never wanted to give him another chance. He said he hoped he could prove himself to be the man I deserved. I gave him a chance for a complete out. A divorce and not even on the grounds of adultery. I said we will just come to an agreement on who gets what etc and be fair. He said he didn't want that at all. That he realizes this will be hard and won't go away over night. But he was in it for the fight of his life.
As for me I am honestly taking it literally day by day. Today I am a mess and still feel like an earthquake happened under my feet.
But I feel like at least I did get answers.

Lowlow posted 3/3/2019 16:26 PM

Welcome, Cally. I'm sorry you are here but glad you found us. This site has been a big source of support and information for me.

I'm glad your WH has become more honest, but there are holes in his story. It is highly unlikely that he used a condom for his happy ending massage. I've been on this board for years and very few people engaged in this kind of activity use a condom. And who would use a condom for a straight out handjob? There's likely much more there and that might be why he is crying.

Perhaps a lie detector? You are likely to get what's called a parking lot confession before he takes the test. That's when he really admits what has gone on. It's sad really. What you want and what your marriage needs to survive is honesty and it takes the threat of a lie detector to make it happen

Even if there isn't more, it sounds like your WH really needs some counselling. I hope he is agreeable, that you find a good one and that he is committed to getting better. Only then can you work on your relationship.

I hope you are getting help too. I didn't sleep for weeks and had to get some prescription to help me through the next fourteen months, I was in IC for over a year. My WH is still in IC 6.5 years later. This is long work but necessary for the two of you

I wish you the best, Cally. This is a marathon and a journey but you sound like a strong person. Take care if f yourself

Cally1975 posted 3/3/2019 18:26 PM

To be honest I think the years were because he has seen the gravity of what he has done. It was a very emotional and laying out all the facts. In the last weeks I have lost 14 pounds. Black eyes from no sleep. I have been drinking which I never do. I am taking medications I have never had to take. I am not defending him by any means. My moods shift drastically which is not like me. Yesterday I despised him. Today I am so down I don't want to do anything. But for 5 weeks he has lied and said it was only a massage. So maybe it was overwhelming to actually admit he cheated.
It's prostitution and that's the hardest part for me.It's just sick and to me shows a low sense of self esteem. In a lot of research I have read a lot of places make you wear a condom. But for him personally if he did use one it would be to densensitize because he goes fast normally. He didn't divulge he used them I asked. But who knows what went on in his sick world.

He does know I still want a lie detector test. His work schedule has been crazy as well as other really important family matters have arose like a funeral we had to go to. But the lie detector is coming. He also has a tracker on his phone. No cash is allowed to be pulled out at all. It's an instant divorce if he does. I was given his passwords and code to his phone.
He is very agreeable to counseling and feels he needs it. He is also attending church which is a big shocker to me. I am spiritual very much so. He believes but has never attended.
I plan to find a counselor as well. I very much need it.

Shocked123 posted 3/6/2019 07:59 AM

My H engaged in parlour activity/independient masseuse activity at least 500 times. Not once did he use a condom. I asked him why. Apparently lubrication or oil is used and the condom then slips off. What typically happens is that the prostitute will start with oral sex with a condom then remove it to finish with a HJ.
Maybe things are different in your country or the parlours he went to.
As for not touching, my H denied that as well but over time admitted to touching breasts and behinds. He didn't really realize he was doing it in the heat of the moment. Yeah, right...
I'm glad he is telling you more truth. Now that he's at his peak of feeling guilty, I suggest your point him in the direction of IC.
Don't let down your guard. The reason for his habit is still there and he will find a way to do it again or find another bad habit.
Good for you for confrontin him. I wish you both luck in R if that's what you're aiming for.

Cally1975 posted 3/6/2019 08:42 AM

Yeah there is a good chance there was no condom. I went off on him last night bad as I had found another facebook account from 2 years ago. Also a tumblr account. It's so flippin strange. On anything and I mean anything I find can I find where he messaged anyone. It's like he registered for this stuff then never even paid the 20.00 to contact people. The 2 facebooks he never put a profile or added friends nothing. Just looked at a couple tranny videos.
It's all so confusing and shocking. Between the countless and I mean countless tranny porn, hook up dating sites, tumblr with tranny memes he posted. Is he gay? But then there is the massage parlors with women. Gosh it's so flippin just sick!!
This is a man who if he see's an old woman loading groceries he will walk over and help. One who goes to our very elderly neighbors house to change light bulbs for her. To the world he is like the best guy ever.
Gosh 500 times. That had to be a very expensive habit. I am so sorry your in this position also. I can honestly say I feel your pain.
Yeah I told him last night he obviously has strong capabilities for searching the internet. So to get those fingers working to find a counselor immediately.

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