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Struggling so Bad

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mamabear22 posted 2/14/2019 07:25 AM

Cally if you still have that phone and have the log in run it with Dr.Fone. It will recover deleted messages and pictures.
It doesn't give you 100% and some things are garbled but it gave me enough proof that my husband was having an affair and not 'just friends' like he claimed.

Do cheaters who are confronted come clean? Has anyone ever experienced this out right denial of physical sexual contact?

I would say as a reasonable guestimate that 90% or higher out right deny physical sexual contact and never come clean when confronted. Many BS have Trickle Truth for weeks, months or years.
I don't say this to discourage you, but keep your eyes and ears open, you can not trust anything that he has said to you as long as he has been doing this.

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 07:33 AM

MamaBear how do I do that drphone thing. I am not extremely tech savy. But I will try anything to find concrete proof.

Lalagirl posted 2/14/2019 08:59 AM

I can see many people are stressing to get tested. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about. As this is why I am faithful. But I better call the gyno and see or maybe a health department.

PLEASE get tested..and yes, if you are not comfortable speaking with your PCP about this, please go to your gyno...this is so important, especially given the type of women with whom he likely had sex. And I implore you, until he finds somewhere to get tested and you see the results, do not have sex with him.

I know it's hard not to feel shame, sweetie...truly I do...IC would probably benefit you right now. We're here for you and a professional can help you with coping strategies...and just someone IRL with whom you can share your feelings...all of them.


mamabear22 posted 2/14/2019 12:22 PM

You need a computer, I used my laptop.
You have to download the program, I used the free version, then later paid for the program, but didn't get any better results so I would suggest the free version.
Once it is loaded (if I recall I also had to have an updated version of iTunes)
Enter the program , and connect his phone to the computer via a USB. I choose to only download, texts and pictures. When you start the download you will have to go to the phone (still connected)and 'allow the devise' or something like that on the phone.
It will load all of the messages and pictures that it can.
You can save them (I think on the free version) if not - capture by print screen.
Some of the dates, numbers and messages are not accurate or complete, doubled up.
I have heard different results, my WH and his AP sent them through imessage and that is maybe why I didn't get good results?
Worth a try I would say.
After I got the messages I simply said, 'downloaded your deleted messages and I know everything' Then he confessed to even more than I had read.
I hope this helps, let me know if you have any other questions, I will help as much as I can.

Cally1975 posted 2/14/2019 18:27 PM

Thanks mamabear. I will try that maybe this week. Do you think it matters if the icloud is down. He disabled it from his phone. I asked why and he said he is trying to delete all the bad things he was doing. He is trying to correct it. didn't delete anything that's on there. It just isn't tracking his phone calls any longer.
He is back from work today and brought home flowers and chocolate strawberries. Me I have not bought anything. I am not recognizing this day at all. In fact can't wait till it's over. I am numb.
I know I can see concern totally written all over him. Twice this week he told me he was going to come home and take sick days. He said I did this I need to be there. I told him no. Today he see's my eyes swollen. Very black underneath from no sleep. I have lost 8 pounds in 5 . I was prescribed 2 new medications.
He keeps saying let me rub your head and shoulders. Let me make you a coffee. Offering to get take out to get me to eat. Me I am numb. I don't even know how to act. To let him comfort me or ask him to go. As crazy as it sounds it's of some comfort he is here. On the other hand I don't even want him here. I never thought I would be in this place.
I am so sorry for everyone going through this.

mamabear22 posted 2/15/2019 07:46 AM

Do you think it matters if the icloud is down. He disabled it from his phone

I am not sure my husband never used the cloud as it was a work iphone, we never had a password or anything for the cloud. I don't think it matters. I think all it does is bring up what ever is left in the phone memory.
I heard others on here say do it as soon as you can cause your phone only has so much memory ( spare for deleted stuff) and as you delete more it replaces that storage space for deleted things.

I know I can see concern totally written all over him. Twice this week he told me he was going to come home and take sick days. He said I did this I need to be there.

It sounds like your WH is starting to get it and trying to prove himself safe, just be cautious that the concern you see, isn't concern that you are going to find something else out.
I understand the comfort when he is around. I found comfort in that too. Still do. I know that when he is with me he is not with anyone else, Sad I know but just how our BS minds work. If you are thinking of reconciling with your husband let him comfort you to some degree. I would say more like make a coffee, buy dinner. Don't do the pick me, 'come and cuddle with me', rub my back. If he wants to comfort you with a hug let him, but don't beg for it. Let him show you he cares. and ONLY if YOU are comfortable with it.
Big hugs for you I am 18 months out give or take and I still hate Valentines day, our 22 wedding anniversary is next week, gonna be sure to remind him that we don't celebrate that either.

mamabear22 posted 2/15/2019 08:11 AM

Also if he is looking to do the right things and show you he is safe.
Suggest he reads 'How to help your spouse with your affair' , or not 'Just Friends' Tell him to get IC. Tell him that he can write out a time line for you. Tell him you need him to be 100% transparent, Tell you where he is going, when , and who with and voluntarily, with out you having to ask.
And if someone hasn't already suggested. You should read in the 'healing library in the top left of this page.

Cally1975 posted 2/15/2019 10:06 AM

Thank you for the information mamabear. I will do that with the phone soon at my next opportunity for privacy.
I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing as well. I think this will be the hardest thing I do to try and reconcile. A big part of me wants to. I mean I love him with my whole heart. But my emotions are a mess. Today anger has come. I think it still depends on a lot of things.
He asked me last night during a long conversation how I wanted him to handle sex. As in he don't want me to feel as if he don't want me. Then asked if I needed to let him know when I was ready. I told him that's what I needed. That sex was the last thing on my mind.
He is crawling in with I am sure shame into a testing place as I type this to get tested for STD's. He is still saying no sexual contact with anyone. I don't care and insisted if there was any hope moving forward.
The anger is here today and I hope he feels embarrassment and shame as he is doing this.I hope he feels some of what I have been forced to feel for a week now.

mamabear22 posted 2/15/2019 12:25 PM

Cally good for you!
I was naïve and didn't do STD testing, I am going next week. MY WH told be he didn't have sex either , but he did feel her up and licked his finger, I know TMI, but there could be something he contracted from that and I am not sure I should believe it was JUST that. My WH AP told him that she had never done anything like that before but now I hear there has been several since him so I have asked him to be tested and I am going for testing too.
You will feel a mix of emotions for months yet. It does get better but there will be days you wonder.
Big hugs for you. Be strong!

JustDandee posted 2/15/2019 22:37 PM

Cally, sorry you’re here at all. As someone else mentioned, only one reason to go to rubmaps. My WH frequented those seedy places too. And like you (from Emotionless Infidelity thread) was totally grossed out by the thought of him laying down naked where other men had already been and already ejaculated.

So, there is a HUGE reason to get STD testing done, for both of you.

I am so in awe of you for keeping your calm for two weeks and doing your snooping and investing and evidence gathering first. Truly amazing and so very hard to do.

Hang in there and take it one day at a time.

Cally1975 posted 2/16/2019 09:03 AM

I am so sorry your going through this also. ((((Hugs)))))
Gathering evidence and not saying anything for a couple weeks was t
he hardest thing ever.
The most frustrating part right now is I don't feel he is telling the whole truth. He is remorseful. He is digusted with himself. He has cried and divulged he thinks he has depression issues and needs counseling. But he is so adamant that he only went to these massage parlors for only the massage.Did your husband come clean about it?
Yesterday the tracker app went on his phone. Another condition of moving forward if there is even a chance. Today all passwords will be changed and given to me. He has even suggested he is willing to change everything and start from scratch. Telephone number, e-mail etc.

Cally1975 posted 2/16/2019 09:10 AM

Does your husband still to this day say no sex with anyone else? I am glad your deciding to do the testing.
I for me honestly can't let it go until I have the whole truth. No matter how bad that truth may be to hear. Polygraph will be next.

JustDandee posted 2/16/2019 22:02 PM

Cally, my husband did finally admit to all his wrongdoings. I had about two months straight of trickle truth and then his solemn swear that was the “whole truth” only for one last bomb about his getting extra “services” at strip clubs years before his massage parlor days. The last bomb was dropped 9 months after the first revelation. He regrets the trickle truth to this day because he knows it set us back so far and also still creates doubt in my mind. Most days I consider us fully reconciled but I still get triggered (daily but I handle them well) and every once in a while I just let it get to me and get into a funk. This shit is tough to deal with. It is absolutely a traumatic experience.

Shocked123 posted 2/18/2019 19:00 PM

Beware of the tracker on your H's phone. Your H can easily leave his phone at work and go out to a parlour. They let you put the tracker on because it creates trust. However, it is very easy to fool the system.

Just warning you that it's an easy trick that cheaters use.

Cally1975 posted 2/18/2019 21:19 PM

I also was thinking the same thing. He does work 12 hours a day and gets 30 minutes for lunch. So I think it would be rough while at work. But I thought of another condition he has to abide by.Which is if I see cash taken out of the account we are done. No questions asked. When he was going he was pulling cash out. Being very careful of no trace. Also pulling cash out he says to go and have drinks. He didn't want me to know we went out to drink.

mamabear22 posted 2/19/2019 11:04 AM

Does your husband still to this day say no sex with anyone else?

Cally yes he does.
I have been n IC for 18 months and couples counselling as well.

I had zero trust after the Affair.
A couple of things make me believe that there was not intercourse. One is when I told him I knew everything he said 'so I rubbed her', so at that point he thought I knew everything,(I didn't and this was hard to hear.) I am not sure that the opportunity came about there meetings were in town and (so I am told) never at a hotel or either house)He would be very scared of getting caught in public.
At some point if I can't prove it went any further then maybe I am just assuming the worst.
or maybe I am still naive, although I don't think so.

A few things make me wonder though if I really know everything, one huge one is, he never really admitted anything after he made that 'so I rubbed her' statement, everything else I had to find out on my own, he admitted nothing. He hates answering the millions of questions cause he his scared of answering them wrong, he is getting his lies mixed up and that tells me there is more I don't know.
Also when we talked about getting tested for STD's I really expected him to come out with 'but we never had sex' and he didn't say that at all. So is he finally getting it that what I say goes, and he is to just get tested without questioning me or, did they have sex? and he 'forgot' he didn't tell me. He did admit to tasting her, (licking his finger, sorry TMI)but I really don't think that he thinks he could get anything from that, I know you can but he is ignorant that way.
So I will wait, I am still in detective mode but a retired detective, keep my eyes and ears open and the odd surprise check up. and we will see that the tests show. If it is some thing the doctor doesn't believe that I could have contracted orally from him, BYE BYE.

Cally1975 posted 2/19/2019 13:36 PM

On the STD test with my husband right now he is just willing to meet any demands that I make. I told him that is a seedy disgusting prostitution house. One that has people's semen on walls, floors, tables. And he laid there for just a massage as he calls it. He is getting tested.
One other thing he caimed to me is you pay 60.00 for a massage. The other stuff is extra. That he wasn't going to pay that. Like I said I still don't believe him. He was pulling out sometimes 300.00 in cash. I have pulled bank statements for a year. He admitted he knows what could happen and that gave him a sort of high.
I am still trying to figure out how to get the stuff off his phone. I only have a tablet and it says it doesn't support this device.
It sounds like your husband was a little more forth coming. So maybe he could be telling the whole truth.

Shocked123 posted 2/21/2019 07:12 AM

Cally, If your H has an iPhone, I strongly suggest your look at his location history. )

Location services (make sure it is on, he may have turned it off)
System services
Frequent (or significant locations)

There you will see where he has been for the past 6 weeks I believe. If you know approximately where these massage parlours are, you can correlate the cash withdrawals with his visits. You can also challenge him about frequency of his visits as well duration of the massages.

You can also look at his activity tracker to see how many steps he took on a certain day that he was at a massage parlour. You can watch his walking, stopping, then walking again. This is how I figured out that my H was lying down for 30 minutes at a time at the same place once a week.

PM me if you can't figure this out and don't reveal it to him just yet.


Cally1975 posted 2/21/2019 11:49 AM

I will double check those things. I know when I looked at the location it was turned off. So there was no history to display. Then he uses this thing called Waze app for directions. That showed the addresses for massage parlors. But didn't show dates. Wish I could figure that one out.
Right now I have a tracker on his phone. That has given a little comfort. I know he could leave the phone and go somewhere. But on the other hand I am strong in my demands. If he is going to act out he is going to pay for it with a debit card. Because if any cash comes out I am done. Also he would have to go without a phone and he is pretty attached to that thing not just for those reasons but in general.

Cally1975 posted 2/21/2019 11:54 AM

An update is he did get his STD testing back. Everything came back negative. He did have a positive for H1....herpes type 1 which is cold sores. Which he has always gotten cold sores since he was a kid. His mother who is healthy as a horse gets them also.
But at least he isn't carrying around a horrid disease. He had said why don't he go through the embarrassment of getting testing to save me from that. He had said if I am clean you certainly would be. But I am definitely going to go. I need a check up anyway.

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