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10 days in.

FaithB28 posted 2/10/2019 22:24 PM

10 days. Itís been 10 days since my life turned upside down. I knew my H was struggling the last 6 months... Was unhappy, trying to deal with things he hadnít for a long time (childhood abuse, previous marriage), but I never expected this. After over 8 years together (less than 2 years married), I thought I knew what my future held. But he opted to cheat on me for the past 4 months.

He claims it meant nothing. Was physical and is now over, but needs to live on his own to deal with all of his issues. Deal with the betrayal and hurt heís caused me. He seems remorseful. He apologizes and cries with me and he answers every question I ask. He tells me he hopes once we have time that we will both want to work towards reconciliation. I want to believe him, but question every word he says.

So glad I found this site. Reading others descriptions of the waves of emotions that hit is a comfort that Iím not alone. I have a large support group, but no one who really understands what Iím feeling.

Cooley2here posted 2/10/2019 22:47 PM

I am going to be as gentle as possible but he is leaving the marriage permanently. I donít know if the AP is still in the picture but I think he does not want to be married.
You need help with this. IC is so beneficial if you and your therapist fit.
He needs IC as well.
Take care of yourself but please be realistic about him. (There is another poster on here with a similar story. That two year mark seems to be as long as they can pretend to care about other people). Look at his actions, not his words.
Whatever is wrong with these men is something they brought into the marriage. You did not cause this.

maise posted 2/10/2019 22:51 PM

Iím so sorry youíre here. Just finding out is such a painful place to be. I am glad that you found this site so early on and hope that it offers you a sense of community throughout this very difficult process.

At ten days out I was in complete destruction...everything around me was in break down. I sought what little comfort I could in journaling my thoughts and feelings, and individual counseling was the greatest blessing.

This is one of those things were im not sure what to say because I know nothing can really ease the pain. But I had to comment because I just...itís such a hard place to be, and Iím just so sorry youíre here.

cannotforgive posted 2/11/2019 00:19 AM

Hi Faith,

Sorry you had to join us.

Please be cautious as the fact he wants to live on his own is a huge red flag.

At 10 days out what he shows is regret, not remorse. Do not be fooled by his crocodile tears, a remorseful WS would stay and work on the marriage and help you heal from the trauma.

When a WS leaves the marriage to 'deal with their issues', find themselves, etc, it usually means they are testing the relationship with AP.

Furthermore, issues from childhood can lead to low self esteem which many self medicate with substance abuse, alcohol or women. Unless he addresses the abuse with an IC, he is is not a safe partner for you. As this can take years please think clearly if you are prepared to wait. You could spend those years building a new relationship with someone else.

Please read the info in the Healing Library, left hand corner.

Look after yourself, eat, drink and see a doctor if you have trouble sleeping. An IC will help you process the trauma.
Do you have children together?

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 12:21 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

Clara1 posted 2/11/2019 00:40 AM

Iím so very sorry for what you are going through. All of us here understand the waves of emotion; sadness, anger, despair, disbelief, the list seems endless. We are grieving the life we thought we had. I know how completely devastated you feel, but please try to take care of yourself. That means something different for everyone, for me, it was trying to stick to simple daily routines. Everyone will tell you to try to eat, get some sleep and exercise. I wanted to scream every time I heard that, but it really does help. Your world has just been shattered into a million pieces and trying to figure out how to pick up just one piece may seem overwhelming. Again, Iím so sorry youíre here, but youíre not alone.

Freeme posted 2/11/2019 03:49 AM

I'm sorry you are going through this and I don't know a nice way to put this.

Was physical and is now over, but needs to live on his own to deal with all of his issues.
This is cheater speak for I want to continue the affair without having you constantly in front of me watching and not trusting me.

If he wanted this marriage to work he wouldn't be leaving you in your time of need. He would be reading book on how to help your wife heal from an affair, getting in to IC, working on a plan to earn back your trust...

Is OW married? If she is your best bet would be to tell her husband about the affair. Do not tell your husband you are going to call the OBS or even hint about it. Just do it.

Again, I am sorry you are going through this.

Freeme posted 2/11/2019 03:49 AM

Double post.

[This message edited by Freeme at 3:49 AM, February 11th (Monday)]

Tallgirl posted 2/11/2019 05:57 AM

I heard exactly the same thing when we were in MC. My WS told me that he needed to work on himselfwith accompanying talk of suicide. So I agreed. I was scared for him. His IC lasted weeks and his affair Lasted five years. He was in love with her at the time of this convo, their relationship was about 4 months.

I think your husband intends to give his AP a trial run with you as back up. He is not being honest with you or himself.

I am really sorry you are here. I hope your WH can commit to you.

I suggest that you go to a lawyer to see where you stand and I would share this with him. he needs to make a real choice with real consequences. If I had done this at the time I would be much better off.

Shocked123 posted 2/11/2019 06:03 AM

If the duration of the A is in any way important to you, get a hold of his cell records, look at his cell phone and snoop for e-mails, texts and location history. Don't believe his version about how long and the fact that it is over.
I'm sorry but it makes no sense about getting his own place. If he needs time to think, tell him he can mediate in the guest room every night from 7:00-10pm. If he is married, then his place is right next to you. Otherwise, my feeling is he simply wants to live the single life while stringing you along as a back up plan.
As for the tears, yes, very familiar with them. Funny how they cry in anguish and confusion after they're caught. Did he cry while he was in the A? Nope, he probably whistled all the way to his rendez-vous...
Please, no pick me dance, no begging for him not to leave. It won't help and your pride will suffer. Don't threaten either.
Simply set your boundaries and explain the consequences. In the meantime, get tested for STD's, work on protecting your finances and keep up your IC.
i hope no children are involved but if so, they will end up being your focus, just don't forget about taking care of yourself.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/11/2019 08:20 AM

Read in the Healing Library on this site about the 180 and employ it in order to get your head straight. As others have said, a remorseful spouse doesn't move out, they stay and try to fix what they broke. His conquest ended once he got you to marry him and now that he feels that you're not going anywhere, he's onto his next conquests. Sorry about your situation.

The1stWife posted 2/11/2019 08:20 AM

I agree with others here - his wanting g to immediately leave is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩 red flag.

You may want to inform him of the following:

He is obligated to support you and kids (if you have any)

He is obligated to keep up mortgage or rent payments in addition to his new apartment or living arrangements

You make no guarantees of any future options to Reconcile if he leaves you / in effect leaving the marriage

You are free to evaluate the M as well

This is not a time to date - because if that is his plan he needs to be honest NOW and start Divorce proceedings


My experience is that the BS (Betrayed spouse) needs to come from a place of strength and power. If he runs - he was planning to do that anyway. If he has an adult temper yanothen he was planning on a course of action and cheating all along.

manofintegrity posted 2/11/2019 08:55 AM

Just separate finances and file. Men like this donít understand anything less. Make him suffer some consequences of his poor, selfish decisions. Out their little oxitocin/dopamine, custard-filled fantasy to all family, friends, work, neighbors, etc. The affair is not over. He is lying, deceiving and still playing games with you. Maybe a year from now heíll wake up and put the work into being a better husband with some integrity. Only then do you think about R. Otherwise, he will just repeat with you or his next conquest.

1Faith posted 2/12/2019 19:43 PM

So sorry you are here and that you are hurting.

Deep breaths. 10 days in you are still in shock and understandably so.

Please find an great attorney. Find out your rights. Regardless if you decide or he decides to stay or reconcile at least know your options. Knowledge is power.

Right now he seems to be calling all of the shots. Take back your power. You get to decide what you will and will not tolerate.

Head up to the Healing Library at the upper left hand corner and read all you can.

Take one day and one step at a time with the focus being you getting back to you.

(((prayers and hugs)))

KaleidoscopePic posted 2/15/2019 11:29 AM

I am so sorry this is happening for you. It has to be so hard. Just know that you are not alone. You can make it through this. I am so glad to hear you have a support network, but I totally get the part about wishing you had someone who really "gets" it.

It is natural to question, because trust has ben violated. It will take time to rebuild what has been broken. Would he consider IC and would the two of you consider MC? A therapist can help put a lot of things into perspective when we are wrapped in emotions and cannot always be objective. Hugs to you. You are nnott alone.

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