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Deciding what to do

HeartbrokenLA posted 2/7/2019 18:57 PM

I (38f) just found out (last night) that my boyfriend (32m) of almost three years had an encounter with someone in person and continued to then chat online with her (sex stuff only) for another few days. I only found out by going through his messages. This is the second similar incident - last year he had a text-only sexual conversation with someone, and I found out. He was remorseful and promised it would never happen again. But here we are. I thought if something like this ever happened to me Iíd immediately break things off. We have been building a happy life and I do believe he loves me. But Iím so confused and conflicted and wondering if Iím an idiot for even considering working through this and trying to rebuild trust.

amli posted 2/7/2019 19:02 PM

Nothing you feel or think is idiotic. I would caution that you are in the shock phase-especially after his last episode and promises made.

Take your time, absorb it all and then decide. You are so young-take the time to make the right call for YOU.

Does he know you know?

HeartbrokenLA posted 2/7/2019 19:06 PM

Sorry if Iím not replying right, thank you for responding.

I confronted him immediately. He initially tried to deny it while reeling about me finding out. He has since apologized repeatedly, seems remorseful and says heíll never do it again, understands how much it hurt me and doesnít want to ruin our life together. I canít decide if I can get over it or not and maybe I just need more time to work through it and make a decision.

amli posted 2/7/2019 19:11 PM

Then that is exactly what you say to him. You need time-you are not sure where this will lead, but you need time. Then take that time.

He did this before. You forgave him. He did it again. You take all the time you need.

k8la posted 2/7/2019 21:56 PM

Cheating while dating exclusively is like lying during a job interview that requires a background check.

Dating exclusively is when you're showing your best. He's not doing that, and he's failing at it regularly.

If you were my daughter, I'd be a safe place for her to land, grieve the loss of the fraudulent relationship, and help her see herself as the 10 she is, and worth so much better!

Buster123 posted 2/7/2019 22:00 PM

He cheated twice already in your short 3 year relationship, please RUN for the hills, he's a serial cheater, save yourself from lots of hearbreak and more infidelity 5 or 10 years from now and a few children later making things more complicated, btw get tested for STDs ASAP.

manofintegrity posted 2/7/2019 22:12 PM

Yes, he is showing you his best behavior with no integrity, no boundaries and no self control. If he truly loved you, had suffered some consequences the first time, this may not have been dday2. You may be in for a life of no trust and resentment down the road. Find out if OW1 and OW2 have boyfriends or husbands. Out their little secret, otherwise they will be sniffing each other out after you forgive again and you let your guard down. Out him to his and your family too. They may put a little pressure on him too. Heís 32, time to grow up and be a real man.

The1stWife posted 2/8/2019 04:01 AM

If you choose to stay in a relationship with him I suggest you change your expectations of the relationship.

It does not appear he understands monogamy.

If you can live with that - then you will not be blindsided the next time it happens.

annb posted 2/8/2019 05:59 AM

Gently, he has shown you who he is, at least twice that you know of, please believe him.

Robert22205https posted 2/8/2019 06:32 AM

My advice is to judge his actions not his words. You already gave him the gift of a second chance. He threw it away.

Okokok posted 2/8/2019 08:27 AM

Hi, I'd just like to point out that "text only" doesn't always turn out to be the truth.

It often turns out to be a lie because "text only" tends to be something much easier for BS to swallow, so if WS believes that they can get *you* to believe it, they'll play that angle. I certainly know that initially my XWS tried to tell me that everything that happened with her AP was text-only. While online/text affairs are very much a real thing, I'm curious if you're sure about this in regard to the incident that he described in this way.

Not that it should matter much. The lying and hiding is betrayal enough, not to mention the texting/sexting/etc and this most recent incident. I agree with the other posters that you should definitely take your time and think about what this man is showing you.

[This message edited by Okokok at 8:28 AM, February 8th (Friday)]

Dismayed2012 posted 2/8/2019 09:40 AM

Sorry to hear about your situation HB. Your boyfriend is a serial cheater. He'll be doing this again. Serial cheaters are the most difficult to reform. He's also younger than you and he can snag younger women. Again, this doesn't look good for your future. A consistent problem when a woman is dating a younger man, is that the man eventually leaves her for a younger woman. I'd suggest that you consider breaking this relationship off before you get any further invested in it. Don't get married and please don't have kids with him.

RobbedOfTrust posted 2/8/2019 11:59 AM

Run. As the BS of a serial cheater (which it sounds like you may have) ... this is how it may start out, but there will likely be more if you stick around long enough. :(
You deserve better.

numb&dumb posted 2/8/2019 12:06 PM

Once is a bad choice. Twice is a pattern. What has he done to make changes ? I mean he found some way to justify this to himself already, twice.

What personal growth is he undertaking to become a person that doesn't have these character deficits ?

I give him the benefit of the doubt that he knows these choices are wrong. What has he done to make you feel confident that there won't be a third time ?

[This message edited by numb&dumb at 12:06 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Smashedhrt posted 2/8/2019 12:54 PM

This is really hard. Iím sorry you have to deal with it.
Go now. Go before you have children and he breaks their hearts too.

Ask yourself, who are you without him? Are you more relaxed, independent and aware?

With him are you now paranoid, unsettled and angry?

The choice is clear. Even after 25 years the choice is clear. Itís very very hard, but cheating is a betrayal of trust and shows no respect or care.

The sooner you move on the bette fo you. You deserve a good life.

HeartbrokenLA posted 2/9/2019 00:38 AM

I just wanted to thank you all for the responses and support. I really needed it. I was agreeing to take some time to think about it, after hours of talking it through with him and trying to understand (and tons of sobbing). I told him if we were going to forward as open and honest partners he needed to tell me right now about anything else. He swore there was nothing. Was remorseful and willing to do anything. Just as Iíd decided to wait and see how I felt, he was leaving the house for work and I asked to see his phone. Of course I found another email in a drafts folder.

I fucking snapped. Told him to get out, threw a roll of trash bags at him and started throwing clothes in them myself. That was about 8 hours ago. We had a sobbing goodbye which was emotionally confusing and horrible. Iíve never felt this before. I love him so much but I also hate him for ruining our life. Which was, on the whole, what I thought was a pretty good one. Iím even a believer in non-rigid monogamy ó he didnít even have to cheat! We could have just talked about his needs. But he decided to make shitty choices instead.

All of his things are out except for two large ones outside. I just came home to the house for the first time. Itís horrible. But Iím proud of myself for doing what will ultimately be best for me, even though it was the hardest thing Iíve ever done.

Thanks for your support and advice.

BetrayedTooMuch posted 2/9/2019 01:03 AM

Good For You!!! I have been the victim of a serial
Cheater as others say for way to long! You will not regret your decision, don't look back, look ahead and listen to what others on the site tell you. It reinforces your doubts!
I can't wait to end my night mare, but I am strategically planning, just found out 2 weeks ago and it is just the final time he will do this to me! Been through it before, so just Trust that it will get better. And believe that You Deserve Better!!!!

pureheartkit posted 2/9/2019 01:22 AM

The awful thing is that most cheating partners are good at lying. They look awfully sorry and say what they think is going to work to smooth things over. Maybe this will cure him of his dishonesty, maybe it won't. You didn't want this. You asked for honesty. He still wouldn't give it to you. Maybe he can't.

Marriage is hard. Worrying about someone lying to you makes it stressful on another level. He's still looking about, not ready to be married or at least not ready for a happy, healthy marriage.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts to lose your love, your dreams. Please don't build a life with someone you can't trust. You never get those years back.

babayaga posted 2/11/2019 17:37 PM

You're not an idiot. Your marriage is something that you worked for, and you want to believe that you can have a happily-ever-after.

However, for me the big deal breaker isn't JUST the infidelity, but the dishonesty.

I wish that I'd written off my WH when I first learned of his "attempts" at infidelity 4 years ago. Turns out he's been a cheater for nearly our entire 20 year marriage. He only told me partial truth on our first Dday 4 years ago.

There's just no way I'm spending more time in a relationship with someone who lies to me so blatantly for the purpose of saving his own skin.

I'd think about being in a relationship with someone you really cannot trust. If you decide you just can't, then I'd make my peace with getting out now. It's ok to have mixed feelings about it.

wordsofwisdom posted 2/11/2019 21:29 PM

I will be blunt to say you are fooling yourself by believing he loves you. This is not love. This is addiction. A form of sadomasochism where people bury their head in the sand to avoid the pain of their current reality.

You boyfriend is a serial cheater and you staying with him will only reassure that he can have it all. Please have respect and love for yourself. Don't let yourself to take this surrogate of relationships for love.

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