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I want to contact AP

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Root posted 2/6/2019 07:02 AM

I want to look him up, send him a message, I know heíd talk to me. Itís been 6 years and this is the first time Iíve truly been tempted. BH isnít interested in me. BH went out of town (of course). I got one text. One. Itís what he did when he was gone for 3 months. I wonder if heís cheating. Iím triggering. BH is angry that I canít be ok when heís gone. I canít even survive one night. I was doing better and Iím backsliding. I donít know why. I want to blow off work and drink all day. I want relief from feeling like hell. I want to self sabotage. I want to lash out. Iíve lost my mind. I want to get on a board and talk to other men. Iím so angry. So sad. Iíve done this to myself and now BH hates me more than he did before. I canít handle it. BH will be home today but I donít know when. He doesnít talk to me. Says he canít. Of course not Iím insane. Whoíd want to talk to an insane person?

Iím sending this out in hopes that someone can talk me down. Iím not going to contact AP but I am fantasizing about how great it would be to have someone to talk to.

Itís worse now. With BH. We sold our house. We have no debt and I have a job. He could be getting his ducks in a row. This may be why heís like this. Heís got trust money that I canít touch. Itís adding up now that we donít have debt. He will have money to leave me within a year. He will leave unless I get my shit together but I donít have anyone to talk me down. Once a week therapy wonít cut it when Iím triggering on a Sunday.

[This message edited by Root at 7:19 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

reeling24 posted 2/6/2019 07:32 AM

Hi Root, BS here and no stop sign. I can really feel your pain in this post and just wanted to let you know you have been heard. Please hang in there and know that you can be, and are, stronger then you think.

hikingout posted 2/6/2019 07:49 AM

Hi Root -

You do not want to contact your AP....the one who STOLE YOUR IDENTITY! You are having a hard time and inherently not good at self soothing due to some of the chemical issues you have.

I have to say, I have been here for a long time now, and I have never heard you like this. Down, yes. But this is new territory. I urge you to instead of seeking out boards for things that you know will cause you more misery to go in for a professional check up. You are really worrying me.

I can identify with the strong urge to run and mentally escape from your problems. Been there done that obviously. But, you know that drinking with your meds is bad, with your kidneys it's bad, and is not going to help you do anything but likely act out worse, which will do nothing but increase your level of shame. Chatting on a board to find company - Okay, is there a female group you could maybe join and get some emotional support that way? I am sure they exist.

If it's not your meds aren't working (I really am not convinced of that, I know you said they seem fine but again I have read probably every one of your posts for the last 19 months, this is very unlike you) Then maybe your shame is getting to you more than normal? Try to do 3 good things for others today - things you can feel good about. Start putting some actions in that help you connect with those in your family. You are isolated and we can't quite get to you, but you are worrying us. Please keep posting so we know you are okay.

prissy4lyfe posted 2/6/2019 07:50 AM


Are you open to residential treatment?

I'm worried about you.

Poppy704 posted 2/6/2019 07:51 AM

Root: Set a timer or a stop watch, and when youíve hit 30 min. here on SI, GET OFF THE INTERNET! The internet is a source of trouble for you, do something that relaxes you in the real world. Get a delicious $8 cup of coffee. Listen to your favorite album. Exercise! Connect to the physical world instead of the digital.

Then call your IC. Thereís a lot of talk here about ďletting go of the outcomeĒ. Talk to your IC about moving towards accepting the truth that you WILL be ok no matter what the future holds.

Gently, do YOU really want the marriage youíre in? You have a say in this too. BH has set his boundaries, it appears that he wants to spend the vast majority of his time alone. You want to spend time together as partners. You can learn to self soothe to a certain point , but that major incompatibility could be your deal breaker. Youíre working full time, children grow up. You love your H but you CAN exist without him, if he goes or you do, you will make it, financially, emotionally and physically.

Pippin posted 2/6/2019 08:19 AM

Hi Root, It sounds like a low point. You can make it through without doing anything self destructive! That's your goal - just don't self destruct until the storm has passed. Get through a few minutes, then a few more, then a few more until you are better. I'm rooting for you!

ElZorro posted 2/6/2019 08:27 AM

Root - you're not alone. Thank you for reaching out and posting here. You have people that are genuinely worried about you and want the best for YOU.

It sounds like the numbing you've done in the past is wearing off and you're on overload and now you're looking for "a hit" of relief. You're stronger than your mind is telling you. In fact, look into Brene Brown's "Rising Strong" book.

I just started it and it's helping me with my demons/gremlins. Our minds soothe ourselves by creating stories, or conspiracies. We're so eager to do that that we will do it at a moment's notice even without all the facts.

Please give it a listen, if you do nothing else today. I think it will help put into persepective your recent struggles with the stories you're mind is trying to help you cope with. We all do it. I did it the other day. My STBX asked me to have the kids stay the night instead of just having them for an hour. The story I told in my head? "Oh she's going to bring over a new lover. She's already replaced me. She's just wanting to get rid of the kids so she can get her rocks off to punish me." Then I stopped. Thought..."I'm telling myself a story just now."

Please get your meds checked as well. If for no other reason just to make sure they're working as they should. Our bodies are insidious when it comes to needing the right dosage and meds.

It's quick and easy to reach out, self sabotage, and self blame. The easy way does not work for anyone and only causes more hurt for everyone involved.

You've got this. You've got us. I'm rooting for you!

Thissucks5678 posted 2/6/2019 09:16 AM

Root, you donít want that AP, heís a terrible guy who stole your identity. It does sound to me that you are really lonely though.

As a BS, Iím going to be honest - if I couldnít give a little to my WH, I wouldnít expect him to want to stick around in this marriage. Why would either of us want to be together in misery? It sounds like your marriage was unhappy before your affair and itís unhappy now. He talks bad about you in front of the kids if I remember correctly, and isnít a partner to you. Yes, you obviously have your issues, but there needs to be a team effort in a true marriage/partnership.

Gently, why are you still doing this to yourself? You have no debt, you have a job. Maybe itís time for you to move on. You donít have to live like this. But donít cheat again, especially not with a loser like your AP. Living in limbo is terrible for everyone, wayward and betrayed. I think your mental health would greatly improve if you moved on from your BS. Just some thoughts. Please call your therapist. You sound like you need to talk to someone ASAP.

Root posted 2/6/2019 10:06 AM

Iím at work. BH hasnít texted me. Sometimes he will text me good morning. Not today. Maybe heís reading this. Maybe the kids told him that I was in bad shape. That I failed. Maybe Iím overreacting. I didnít cook dinner. Oldest daughter drove herself to McDonaldís. Other 2 fended for themselves. BH sometimes texts them more than me. Sometimes he will ask them how Iím doing. I promised Iíd do better. Oldest son was out of clean shirts (heís autistic and will only wear certain ones).

My fatal mistake is one that Iíve made a few times since we moved. Maybe I made it before and donít remember. I probably did but I donít think so. Iíll have to think back. Whenever I bring up anything negative regarding BH or the kids maybe other topics he hits back verbally which is why I try to keep the crazy to myself. I donít have anyone to talk to. My thoughts drown me. I asked him yesterday what I did wrong. I was calm. He said he was just trying to help me hence the errands he ran 4 nights last week. I said it bothered me but that I was able to calm myself down. That led to him saying i donít want him to ever leave the house. I triggered him I think. He put up with my crap for 20 years. I used to rage when he talked to a neighbor for 10 minutes. Iíve treated him like shit. This isnít on him itís me. Of course he isnít texting nothing good comes from it. Im a bottomless pit of neediness. I need constant reassurance that we are ok. I canít get angry. I canít complain. Heís busy. Heís stressed at work. Iím a drag, negative, no fun, nothing. Iím losing the battle with my brain. I canít talk about. I once could talk to him about it. I canít now. Heís had it with me. Itís like get your shit together. Heís not asking for anything unreasonable. He wants a happy wife. I want to give him that. I donít know how to do that while being quiet.

Iím rambling. Hard to edit while on my phone. Iím stable for the moment because Iím at work and have to be. Yesterday I went home in tears. Yíall are right I havenít been this bad in years. I donít know why. I suspect Iíll feel worse as the day goes on. I wonít hear from BH and Iíll have to go home and not be mad about it. I promised Iíd be okay. Promised that I could do this one thing.

Edited we had daily or frequent sex which made me feel like I had at least some connection with him. He tells me now heís old. He also says I didnít want it and now I do. I donít think thatís true but I donít trust anything my brain tells me. Heís probably right.

[This message edited by Root at 10:09 AM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

ArtPatchedHeart81 posted 2/6/2019 10:12 AM

This is a season and after six years you are strong enough to fight through it. You donít want to talk to him. You want to feel connected. I get it. Connect with healthy relationships, not one that will only result in more pain. Get out and about. Stay busy and it will pass.

Root posted 2/6/2019 12:10 PM

I feel sick. No word from BH. Iím pathetic. Heís busy.

[This message edited by Root at 12:17 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 2/6/2019 12:22 PM

Hang in there, Root. Remember that instead of going for the potential gratification of contacting AP, you came here for support instead. Even when you're in a very bad place (and I agree with hikingout that you should consider more aggressive professional help), your heart is where it belongs and struggling to get your brain to follow. Give yourself credit for that, because it is a big deal.

FWIW, my kids fending for themselves at dinner is pretty much par for the course in my house, and my son was out of clean pants yesterday morning. And I don't have BPD.

hikingout posted 2/6/2019 12:23 PM

Okay, breath. Can you call him and say "I just called to check in and say I love you. How is your day?"

Look, no one is perfect, you didn't cook dinner? You are beating yourself up about that? I know it's hard when not everyone has what they need or want, but can you cut yourself some slack? You haven't been back to work all that long and this is going to take some getting into the swing of things. Plus, you don't feel good.

Your husband ran errands for you four nights last week? It sounds like he is trying to help take care of you. That to me sounds like an act of love. Can you think of other things he's done lately that you also might be missing as a lack of love? This might help you change the story you are telling yourself?

Do you think working is making it worse? You can see that you are the worst you have been in years, and this is the thing that changed? It sounds like it's triggering a lot of anxiety for you.

I am probably grasping at straws but I want you to know someone is listening. Keep talking as much as you need.

secondtime posted 2/6/2019 12:42 PM

I hear you.
It's the codependency screaming loud.

This morning, I was driving 3/4 of my kids to school and drove into oncoming traffic, because I was so fixated on the codependency instead of being present.

I know it's super hard to take steps to focus on yourself. Especially with your BPD, you've probably internalized that focusing on you is bad.

But, in this case it is not.

Please find a CoDA meeting to go to. Or Pick Up "The Language of Letting Go." by Beattie. Practice some mindfulness. What makes you get all zen or helps you focus. Can you simply breathe and focus on that.

You cannot control what your husband does or doesn't do. Fixating on it will not help you at all. You need to focus on you.

I'm sorry that you are spinning so much.

Root posted 2/6/2019 13:05 PM

Tell me what to do when I get home besides down a very large glass of vodka. Iíve tried keeping busy with laundry and stuff until I calm down after work but BH takes that as an opportunity to leave. He thinks if Iím up doing anything Iím fine. Iím not fine. I canít tell him Iím not fine because he gets mad. Heís sick of dealing with a crazy person. Tired of being a caregiver. I would be sick of me too. It sucks being me. I donít want to lose him. He deserves better I know. I want to fix this but I donít know how. I stupidly mentioned that it bothers me when I beat him home after work. See he goes in at 6 so technically his day ends at 3. Nope nope nope. He only comes home when he wants to like to exercise or to take a kid somewhere.

Work helps because it keeps me busy. Almost had someone arrested today so my job is far from boring. Gives me some sense of security in case BH leaves me. I can pay for the 4 walls so I wonít starve or be homeless. The weekends are harder. The transition from work to home is hard. I donít do well with change no matter how small. BH does leave more running errands because Iím no longer home to do them.

I donít know what to do with my feelings. I want to destroy something to feel better. Unless youíre crazy you wonít get this. I want to scream. I want to break something. I want to do drugs. I want to smoke. I want to do something bad. I want a release.

Edited to add my working could be a problem I donít know. It is triggering.

[This message edited by Root at 1:22 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Lalagirl posted 2/6/2019 13:22 PM


First, you're not crazy; you have a mental illness.

I canít tell him Iím not fine because he gets mad.

This makes ME mad (and I'm a BS) that he makes you this afraid when you try to tell him your feelings!

By reading your posts, I sense a pretty extreme manic episode going on right now so I'm not going to overload you with "letting go of the outcome" and stuff like that; I am, however, imploring you to call your doctor asap and tell him/her what's going on with you. You need some

Please don't drink, Root; please.

Sending you huge hugs...we're here for you.


Edited for clarity

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:24 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 2/6/2019 13:35 PM

Is there something you can destroy that won't impact other people?

In my area, we have a problem with invasive vines on public land. By the local train stations, along the side of the road, etc, there are 30 foot vines snaking up into the trees. No one wants them there, in fact they're killing the trees that people do want there, but it would take some serious physical exertion to tear them down, and the town doesn't want to spend the money. Can you rip down some vines? Tear up some weeds? Find something to destroy that isn't destructive? Or does it not assuage the pain unless the destruction hurts someone/hurts you? (Not a judgment -- I'm just not familiar with how this compulsion works.)

prissy4lyfe posted 2/6/2019 14:34 PM

Please stop blaming her husband about detaching. If you have not done the research or spoken to therapist about being married to a person with BPD .

We are being counter productive to Root when we make comments aboht her husband. Because
1. Root has admitted to being emotionally abusive. So we are holding him accountable for not engaging his abuser in situations that are in the cycle of abuse. the throws of her depressive state Root is unable to give perspective on her husbands actions. Her illness will not let her.

3. Root...your BPD has not been controlled well for a long time. Its time to do some different things. I'm really concerned that your overall mental health. Even if your husband was doing everything "right" you wouldn't be able to receive it. I really so think you need to start considering some residential care even if its short term.

hikingout posted 2/6/2019 15:01 PM

It sounds like your working might be good and bad. It takes a lot of time to adjust to new things, and I am sure it's harder with some of the issues you have.

I agree with lala, I don't have a lot of experience with this but it seems to me like you might be having a manic episode of some kind. I realize that does nothing to help you manage your emotions at this point though but if you are having one and can recognize it does that at all help or no?

Sorry, I am really of no help but I want you to know someone is listening. When can you get in to the doctor?

Root posted 2/6/2019 15:09 PM

Prissy Iím aware enough to know my perspective is screwed up. Im aware why my BH detached. Iím aware that he could do everything right and Iíd still spiral. Im aware I abuse him. Iím aware I fucked this up. Iím trying to learn new ways to cope. New ways to get my mind off the crazy until I can get a grip. Iím aware that this mood will pass. It always does. That awareness doesnít help me in that moment. I donít know how to cope when my brain wonít cooperate.

Talking here is helping. I tried finding a support board for BPD (I need help getting off that ledge) but the one I found was all young people who donít know what itís like to be 52. I also prefer talking to normal people. Iíd lose my job if I sought any kind of in or out patient treatment. Iím high functioning which means Iím aware and can learn. I just need help in what to do to calm myself down while holding down a job, being in R and raising 3 teenagers.

BH eventually sent me a text. It just said heís OTW. Thatís disappointing.

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