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2 weeks out

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jb3199 posted 2/6/2019 06:15 AM

Any thoughts or advice? Maybe new counsellor for me?

I will say this--I believe that a counselor...individual or marriage...has to be a proper fit. It's important that they just don't say what you want to hear, but have to ability to support and challenge your thought processes.

From the limited information that we have at hand, it does appear that you are making sound decisions. You appear to be recommitting because 1) it is what you want to do, and 2) he is least to this point...that he is committed to trying to repair the damage he has caused. Obviously there are no guarantees moving forward, but it is being done without sweeping issues under the rug.

As for a polygraph--if that is what you feel you need to build trust, then go right ahead. If your husband is in-it-to-win-it, then he is going to gladly participate...because he knows that it is something that YOU need from him.

anonymoose01 posted 2/13/2019 18:00 PM

Another update:

He passed the polygraph. I was hoping that would bring me more relief than it did. I feel like I have the information now, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. He's been going to therapy twice per week and reading books on the subject. I'm hopeful, but still so cautious. I don't know when it will feel safe to trust him even on a very basic level.

On another front, I fired my individual therapist. As some of you commented she was completely unprofessional. When I told her I was stopping sessions with her she became visibly irritated and tried to tell me nobody could help me the way she can. She warned me not to trust my husband and "reminded" me that I still likely don't have the full story or information about past infidelities. She then proceeded to tell me I should stop marital counselling immediately, separate for 6 months and do intense individual therapy before trying marriage counselling again. It was awkward when I left. Glad that negativity is gone now. It's been hard to find a counsellor I feel comfortable with after that first experience, I've tried 2 more. I'm going to try one more consultation before deciding who to move forward with on a long term basis.

[This message edited by anonymoose01 at 6:01 PM, February 13th (Wednesday)]

BrokenGiant posted 2/14/2019 05:40 AM

I'm sorry that you had to find yourself here. Like you I too was betrayed. My WW cheated with her yoga instructor. A person who she looked up to, respected and revered. He became a family friend, broke bread with him even became close to my kids. He fell in love with my wife, and though we though we had a very good 14 year trouble free marriage with 4 children, this did not discourage him to take all the encouragement my wife gave him.
First of all you need to know, like all of us who have been betrayed, we had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE A. Never think that you caused this to happen, No. We are responsible for 50% of our own shit in our marriages, and we can decide to deal with them however we wish to. You WH, decided to act on the A, his response to the sexting, his arousal when she was near him. That's all on him. We have no control over whom we are attacted to, but we have absolute control over our concisous decisions. By him responding, he gave the OW encouragement to pursue him, and she would simply take whatever he would serve on a silver platter.
I send you strength... May our words and experiences help you find the clarity you seek. Remember that you are not alone.
Namaste 🙏

TimSC posted 2/14/2019 11:12 AM

Sounds like your former therapist is bitter over something in her personal life and transferring that mindset to her patients.

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