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Will I ever be happy again?

smckinney posted 1/21/2019 14:44 PM

I have been married for 27 years and just found out my husband has been having an affair for 3 years with a younger married women. they have ended it and I even spoke to the husband so I know it's over. He also admits hooking up on a few meet up apps. I just found out and we are in counseling, but will I ever be happy again? I want to make it work and keep my family together and the life we built together. If I stay I am unhappy or just sad and if I leave I lose my family and will still be unhappy. I guess my question is will I ever be happy again?

Gunnut posted 1/21/2019 15:10 PM

Iím a little over a year out and I do have times when I feel happy. The affairs are still the first and last thing that I think about in the day and they always pop into my head when my mind goes quiet, but if I keep busy and occupied I have happy moments, even with my WW, but Iím still mostly sad. I donít think either R or D in and of themselves lead to happiness, I think a person can try to be happy again either way in spite of the pain that their wayward caused them, but for me itís been a very slow process and itís because Iím having a hard time processing the betrayal l, because I canít wrap my head around the whys.

SimplyRed posted 1/21/2019 15:37 PM

Neither R nor D lead to happiness in and of themselves. It is working on you and finding peace with where you are at and the decisions you have made. Do things you enjoy with people you truly enjoy being with and feed your spirit.

Walkingthewire posted 1/21/2019 15:51 PM

I am about 6 weeks out from dday.
Counseling helps.
I still feel sad most days especially when the thoughts pop in my head. Can you be happy again? I think itís possible. R or D wonít make that just happen. Unfortunately itís a process that Iím just starting.
Depression and anxiety meds help too.

Furious1 posted 1/22/2019 07:38 AM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Please take care of yourself. Drink plenty of water, eat, and get rest when you can. Read the two pinned posts at the top of this forum. You are the only person most qualified to decide what you are going to do. Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

Personally, I tried to reconcile with my STBXWH after his numerous affairs. Even though I tried to R, I retained the full right to end our marriage. Trying to R did not mean that staying married was etched in stone forever. Nor was it a guarantee that things would work out. But I wasn't going to know until I tried. I am at peace with my choice to end my marriage now, but I would have always wondered if I hadn't tried.


The1stWife posted 1/22/2019 10:03 AM

Here is the answer to part of your question:

Trying to R did not mean that staying married was etched in stone forever. Nor was it a guarantee that things would work out. But I wasn't going to know until I tried. I am at peace with my choice to end my marriage now, but I would have always wondered if I hadn't tried.

Your happiness (as of DDay) is no longer all tied up in your marriage. That is just a small part (now) of what makes you happy.

I tried R after DDay2 and false reconciliation. We were lucky enough to get to a point where we are happy. But I know I have options to leave if that changes.

My happiness is now my responsibility and my commitment to myself - whether married or divorced or somewhere in between.

And if the marriage no longer works - after 30 years - I am free to go. Just like you.

nightmare01 posted 1/22/2019 10:15 AM

Later this year it will be 18 years since Dday for me. Yes - you can be happy again.

Life events have an impact upon us - some good, and some bad. Evolution has wired our brains to remember the bad more than the good. It was more important to remember the fruit that made you sick than the ones that were ok. Everyday the trajectory of your life is altered by things that happen to you. Where you end up, and how you feel (happy vs sad) depend on your perspective.

From where you are right now, you could choose divorce or reconciliation - and either of those paths could lead to happiness or sorrow. If you stay with your WH, your relationship will have that extra baggage - but your family will remain intact, and hopefully your WH will work HARD to win you back. If you divorce you won't have that baggage and scarred past, but your family will be segmented. It's a tough call deciding which way to go.

But no matter what you choose, you can find happiness again IF YOU LOOK FOR IT.

Smashedhrt posted 1/22/2019 10:37 AM

I am only 2 months from d day. Married for almost 20 years.
I have not decided what we will do yet. I kicked h out immediately after discovery.
We have 2 teens, so he comes around to see them. We also work together.

Although I am disappointed in how this currently stand, I am already finding happiness in my days. I practice yoga daily, and I have spent many years developing my own inner peace. I am sort of excited to be living alone, with the 2 kids. Itís liberating. Maybe that tells me something...

Start doing some things just for you. Find some moments of being ok.

I think itís best to not decide what to do for a while. Take some time and space. Get a clear picture of where you stand financially. Sever all joint finance. Get a std test. Protect yourself first.

My kids are older. If they were young I might look at this differently. Right now I just canít imagine living without mys best friend. It makes me so sad...but then, that best friend cheated on me and betrayed his family. I am not sure I can ever respect him again.

Hug. This is all hard, but itís just part of the journey. Itís not your defining moment.

IJusthurt2017 posted 1/22/2019 11:41 AM

I'm 17 months after d day and I still have moments of sadness, but it's not as bad as it was. Counciling and meds help a lot. I will say whether you R or D you will have to find happiness within yourself, I know that's hard but it can be done.

Notmysoulmate posted 1/22/2019 12:00 PM

At 2 years 4 months from D day 1 I can say that Iím happy . This started about the last month or 2. I was severely depressed after D day and was on antidepressants for at least a year. You can find your happiness again 😊!

ScarredGuy posted 1/22/2019 14:15 PM

Yes. I'm 2.5 years from DDay and can attest that it will get better. It's a dark place to be, but with counseling, friends, family and some introspect you'll survive. Not only will you survive, but it is the best time for self- improvement. Anxiety medication is also a help during those times when you just can seem to shake the thoughts.

smckinney posted 1/23/2019 12:49 PM

Thanks everyone!

CoderMom posted 2/1/2019 21:04 PM

Happy is all in your perspective. Only you can choose to be happy or not be happy. Making a choice to be happy helps the mood. You can be happy about things outside of the negative situation, which will brighten your day. But dwelling on the negative all the time isn't healthy.

Many prayers!

Used2bhappy10 posted 2/14/2019 07:51 AM

I'm 23 months out, and happiness is returning. Married 31 years, thought my husband would truly have been the very last man to have an affair.

Weekly individual counseling, then later joint counseling, diagnosis of PTSD and medication to help. I could barely work in a creative professional career I had aced for over 3 decades.

I've found that those wayward spouses (WS) that NOW TELL THE TRUTH, each and every nugget help the healing. Those little lies they've become expert at are deadly. Each little lie after D-Day adds fuel to the PTSD fire. If they stop that completely, all get 'happy' faster.

Real, authentic empathy from the WS also helps immensely. If they don't have that skill, then implement the 180 to save yourself. Find it in the Healing Library here on SI, read it, print it, recite it daily!

The only person's actions you can control are your own. I wish you peace and happiness!

numb&dumb posted 2/14/2019 09:14 AM

I guess my question is will I ever be happy again?

Yes you can be happy again. Important word there. It is something that is entirely within your control and you can do with it whatever you wish to do.

7+ years out from Dday. Fully R'd and very happy with my life. Not all days are happy ones, but the good ones outnumber the bad by a large margin. (even without infidelity most people have this)

I had to work on myself to free myself from the baggage of the past. FOO, co-dependency and owing things that were not mine to own were all important. Working with a good IC was the most helpful part for me.

My W had her own journey to do the same. Her finding remorse was important for me.

Once we made some progress we rebuilt our M. We called it M 2.0.

You are still early in this process and I would heavily counsel you to get into IC. Your H needs to do the same. Building a new M where you keep what works and replace what doesn't sometimes requires MC. I wouldn't worry about that right now. Both need to work on yourselves and support each other in that. You can't create a new an different M with two broken people. It is important to fix yourselves first.

HardenMyHeart posted 2/14/2019 09:35 AM

smckinney, After 20 years of marriage, my wife had a 3 year affair with a much younger man. It has been over 11 years since I discovered the affair and today we are happily reconciled.

So yes, it is possible with a remorseful spouse to heal your marriage and be happy again. However, it does take time and a lot of patience. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the precious gift of time to heal.

I am sorry you are here, but welcome to this site. If you haven't already, remember to check out the articles in "The Healing Library" (yellow box upper left corner).

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