Allaliefor25,
I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's someplace none of us ever wanted to be, but it's a great place to be when we find ourselves in this shitstorm known as infidelity.
I tend to be very blunt in my opinions about infidelity in cases like yours. I don't want to hurt you more than you are already hurting but sometimes the truth has to be told.
First things first, go over to the Healing Library and read up on what is called the 180. Read it and implement it. HARD 180 his ass.
You are right - your entire marriage has been a lie. Look at what you wrote here - years and years of porn, dating sites, flirting, blowjobs, massage parlors, escorts, etc. TRANSVESTITES for crying out loud! You haven't been just sharing him with other women, you've been sharing him with other MEN!! I will guarantee you that you haven't even scratched the surface of what he has done. He has spent years exposing you to horrible diseases that could take your life! If he was doing this while you were pregnant he was exposing his unborn children to disease that could have taken their life. OMG!! Just think of what he has done!!
I know you love him and I know your whole world has been literally obliterated. Your husband does not love you - not in a healthy way, if at all. He loves himself. He has indulged himself with all sorts of sexual fantasies, desires, etc. He has gone about doing exactly what he wanted for 25 years of your marriage and only because you finally have solid proof can he no longer deny what he's been doing.
Your husband at this point in time isn't remotely a candidate for reconciliation. In my opinion, he won't ever be. He's lying, refusing to get help unless HE thinks he needs it, is refusing to answer questions, getting angry at YOU. He has no right to be angry with anyone but himself. He's angry because you caught him and not only is he humiliated at his disgusting behavior, but he's embarrassed as Hell just at being caught, and he's pissed because now he is facing the music for all of the shit he's done to you. He's also pissed because his head is so far up his ass that he realizes the gig is UP! No more sneaking around getting his rocks off with prostitutes, escorts, transvestites, and only God knows what else. Well, actually he can still do that but he knows if you find out he's still doing it, that it makes the situation worse. Don't even believe him if he says he has quit doing it. Years of entrenched behavior doesn't disappear overnight. He's addicted to that shit and he's not going to stop cold turkey.
You can't fix him, Allaliefor25. Don't even try. He is so broken it will takes YEARS of extensive therapy to even make a dent in his brokenness. And it sounds like he's not even willing to go to therapy.
Are your children adults living at home or are they young adults? If they are adults living at home, you gather them together and tell them what their father has done. I'm not always in the camp of telling children especially when they are younger because it can literally screw them up for life. But, in this case, if they are adults living at home you need to tell them what is going on because you are going to need their strength in the months to come. If they are teenagers or younger, I think the best thing to do is simply tell them that their dad has hurt you terribly and leave it at that. At that age, they don't need to know all the gory details. Others will disagree but I stand strong in my opinion on that.
I know this is killing you inside. You are sick, can't sleep, are in shock - the list goes on and on. You feel like a freight train is running through your head and it won't stop. There are a few things you need to do NOW:
Get to the doctor and have STD testing. Don't be embarrassed because YOU haven't done anything to be embarrassed about. Believe me, doctor's offices have heard it all. Get a full STD panel done. Your husband needs to do the same and he needs to SHOW you the results. Do NOT have sex with him until you see the results AND until/if YOU want to.
When you see your doctor get medication for sleep aid, anxiety, and depression because you are going to need them. Stay away from alcohol - all that will do is fuel your emotions and you need a clear head for what you're going to endure.
Eat what you can. If you can't stomach food, drink protein drinks (Ensure Max tastes good and is high in protein). Eat protein bars. You need to stay hydrated so drink plenty of water.
Get to an attorney and know your rights in event of a divorce. Take half of any money you have and move it into an account with your name only on it. Put your children as beneficiaries.
Personally, I would kick his ass to the curb. Don't worry about where he will go or what he will do. That's his problem. Your problem is to try to get through this nightmare without losing your sanity. Looking at him every day isn't going to help that.
Again, I know you love him but I think you have to be realistic and actually LOOK at what he has done throughout your whole marriage. Force yourself to think through it all. We aren't just talking about having an affair that might be possible to work through. We are talking about YEARS of betrayal, lies, broken promises. We are talking about YEARS of sordid sexual behavior that has exposed you to disease. We are talking about YEARS of a man who is drowning in his own disgust and dragging you and your children down with him.
You don't deserve that! Don't let him convince you that something you did or didn't do caused him to do these things. YOU are not responsible for what he has done. That shit is all on him.
I know there's things I missed in my advice to you. There are a lot of people on here who will be able to give you even better advice. Please listen to them because they are wise souls who have all been through so much of what you're experiencing.
If you've been married 25 years, you are somewhere between 43 and 50 is my guess. That is STILL young! You have a lot of life left ahead of you and you don't need to waste it with a man that has so blatantly disrespected you, your marriage, your health, and the health of your children. Please think long and hard before continuing your marriage. Life is simply too short to live with someone who is that screwed up and who has at every turn been willing to not only hurt you, but to expose you to untold disease.
I'm so very sorry for you and your family.