SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Allaliefor25 posted 1/13/2019 19:16 PM

During our 25th wedding anniversary vacation, I finally confirmed what I had suspected for almost 25 years. My husband has cheated on me numerous times. I just didn’t know the extent that he had gone to. I only had evidence of phone calls, pornography, dating sites, and flirting. About 17 years ago, when we just moved to a new state, I discovered the porn and he vowed, he was tired of lying and we went to counseling after I told him not to home back. I even spoke with a yransvestite, who said she knew him. Last year he went so far as to give a gold necklace to someone at his job. He assured me, after I confronted him, that he spoke to her and ended the flirtatious relationship. I was so stupid to trust him again. Any time I questioned him about the websites coming in through spam or about being true, he’d lie to my face. During this trip a call came with an iCloud email message and pictures were sent to his phone of a transvestiite, saying he was waiting for him. He saw the pictures that I forwarded to my phone. He said they were a woman he’d been with for a blowjob and that’s it. Over the next few days, he resisted answering questions, getting angry and saying he’d get help I f he needs it on his time for him not for me. After 5 days, he has admitted to having two affairs in our previous state and visiting massage parlors and escorts for the time we’ve been in tour current state of residence. He says he will get counseling, ordered a book I suggested. He reads a Bible app, but I think he’s done this before. We have 4 older children that live at home and I do know how to tell them. I think we should tell them. I don’t know what to do. I still love him and he says he loves me and does not want to lose me. I am devastated and can only think of how our marriage has all been a lie and I have been sharing a man with so many other women.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 1/13/2019 19:32 PM

First off...welcome to the BEST club you never wanted to join (((HUGS))).

Please take care of YOU first. Try to put something in your stomach...even if you can’t eat right now. It will help your body to get the fuel you need for strength. You don’t have to make any major decisions right now...so please don’t worry about getting all your loose ends tied up at once.

There is a link on the left of this post called “The Healing Library”. You may find some helpful information in there.

The weekends are normally slow...so please don’t get discouraged if you don’t get many responses right now. Post when you want...as much as you want . This Forum is a safe place for newly betrayed people... and we all have been where you are.

You WILL get through this . Just take it one step at a time...surviving infidelity is a marathon...not a sprint. We are here for you!!!

BearlyBreathing posted 1/13/2019 20:52 PM

Hi Allaliefor25.

I am so sorry you had to find us. But this is the best group of people you never wanted to meet.

As W2BH said below, take care of you first. This is a TRAUMA and you need to be kind to yourself. Drink a lot of water (crying dehydrates!), avoid alcohol, eat what you can and supplement with protein shakes if you can’t keep food down, exercise and sleep. See your doctor if you are having trouble with any of those. And while you are there, get a full panel of STD tests. Your WH will need to do that as well - and show you the results- before you can sleep with him again.

Next, lawyer. Not necessarily to file for D, but for knowledge. Knowledge is power and takes some of the fear of the unknown away. Understand your rights, what things you need to get documentation on (Financials, deeds, car titles,etc.). Don’t tell him you are doing this, just do it.

IC. Individual counseling for you. To help you through this. And who can you talk to IRL? A sister, a best friend, your mom? Is there someone at your church?

He’s showing himself to be a serial cheater, and they can change.. but it takes a ton of HARD work. And both of you have to be all in on Reconciliation or it doesn’t work. So for now, watch his actions as his words are useless. Cheaters know how to lie really well. But actions tell us how they really feel, and if they can sustain positive change.

You do not have to make a decision today. But see some lawyers, get in to IC and keep reading and posting here. The 180 is a powerful tool to help you detach from him so you can get your head in a good space (google and read about in the Healing Library here).

Hang in there, AALF25.

pureheartkit posted 1/13/2019 21:02 PM

Hes not honest yet, not even close. I dont know what it will take but the easy way did not get results. Hes got to know this is it. No lies, nothing hidden, everything open to see and talk to you about everything that has gone before.

Sorry you are facing this. The internet opens the devils den. He needs to keep his history open to you at all times. No deleting. Please dont waver on this. 100% honesty, 100% transparency. Stand your ground, you have the right to set the rules.

JT4588 posted 1/13/2019 21:34 PM

Allaliefor25,

I'm sorry you find yourself here. It's someplace none of us ever wanted to be, but it's a great place to be when we find ourselves in this shitstorm known as infidelity.

I tend to be very blunt in my opinions about infidelity in cases like yours. I don't want to hurt you more than you are already hurting but sometimes the truth has to be told.

First things first, go over to the Healing Library and read up on what is called the 180. Read it and implement it. HARD 180 his ass.

You are right - your entire marriage has been a lie. Look at what you wrote here - years and years of porn, dating sites, flirting, blowjobs, massage parlors, escorts, etc. TRANSVESTITES for crying out loud! You haven't been just sharing him with other women, you've been sharing him with other MEN!! I will guarantee you that you haven't even scratched the surface of what he has done. He has spent years exposing you to horrible diseases that could take your life! If he was doing this while you were pregnant he was exposing his unborn children to disease that could have taken their life. OMG!! Just think of what he has done!!

I know you love him and I know your whole world has been literally obliterated. Your husband does not love you - not in a healthy way, if at all. He loves himself. He has indulged himself with all sorts of sexual fantasies, desires, etc. He has gone about doing exactly what he wanted for 25 years of your marriage and only because you finally have solid proof can he no longer deny what he's been doing.

Your husband at this point in time isn't remotely a candidate for reconciliation. In my opinion, he won't ever be. He's lying, refusing to get help unless HE thinks he needs it, is refusing to answer questions, getting angry at YOU. He has no right to be angry with anyone but himself. He's angry because you caught him and not only is he humiliated at his disgusting behavior, but he's embarrassed as Hell just at being caught, and he's pissed because now he is facing the music for all of the shit he's done to you. He's also pissed because his head is so far up his ass that he realizes the gig is UP! No more sneaking around getting his rocks off with prostitutes, escorts, transvestites, and only God knows what else. Well, actually he can still do that but he knows if you find out he's still doing it, that it makes the situation worse. Don't even believe him if he says he has quit doing it. Years of entrenched behavior doesn't disappear overnight. He's addicted to that shit and he's not going to stop cold turkey.

You can't fix him, Allaliefor25. Don't even try. He is so broken it will takes YEARS of extensive therapy to even make a dent in his brokenness. And it sounds like he's not even willing to go to therapy.

Are your children adults living at home or are they young adults? If they are adults living at home, you gather them together and tell them what their father has done. I'm not always in the camp of telling children especially when they are younger because it can literally screw them up for life. But, in this case, if they are adults living at home you need to tell them what is going on because you are going to need their strength in the months to come. If they are teenagers or younger, I think the best thing to do is simply tell them that their dad has hurt you terribly and leave it at that. At that age, they don't need to know all the gory details. Others will disagree but I stand strong in my opinion on that.

I know this is killing you inside. You are sick, can't sleep, are in shock - the list goes on and on. You feel like a freight train is running through your head and it won't stop. There are a few things you need to do NOW:

Get to the doctor and have STD testing. Don't be embarrassed because YOU haven't done anything to be embarrassed about. Believe me, doctor's offices have heard it all. Get a full STD panel done. Your husband needs to do the same and he needs to SHOW you the results. Do NOT have sex with him until you see the results AND until/if YOU want to.

When you see your doctor get medication for sleep aid, anxiety, and depression because you are going to need them. Stay away from alcohol - all that will do is fuel your emotions and you need a clear head for what you're going to endure.

Eat what you can. If you can't stomach food, drink protein drinks (Ensure Max tastes good and is high in protein). Eat protein bars. You need to stay hydrated so drink plenty of water.

Get to an attorney and know your rights in event of a divorce. Take half of any money you have and move it into an account with your name only on it. Put your children as beneficiaries.

Personally, I would kick his ass to the curb. Don't worry about where he will go or what he will do. That's his problem. Your problem is to try to get through this nightmare without losing your sanity. Looking at him every day isn't going to help that.

Again, I know you love him but I think you have to be realistic and actually LOOK at what he has done throughout your whole marriage. Force yourself to think through it all. We aren't just talking about having an affair that might be possible to work through. We are talking about YEARS of betrayal, lies, broken promises. We are talking about YEARS of sordid sexual behavior that has exposed you to disease. We are talking about YEARS of a man who is drowning in his own disgust and dragging you and your children down with him.

You don't deserve that! Don't let him convince you that something you did or didn't do caused him to do these things. YOU are not responsible for what he has done. That shit is all on him.

I know there's things I missed in my advice to you. There are a lot of people on here who will be able to give you even better advice. Please listen to them because they are wise souls who have all been through so much of what you're experiencing.

If you've been married 25 years, you are somewhere between 43 and 50 is my guess. That is STILL young! You have a lot of life left ahead of you and you don't need to waste it with a man that has so blatantly disrespected you, your marriage, your health, and the health of your children. Please think long and hard before continuing your marriage. Life is simply too short to live with someone who is that screwed up and who has at every turn been willing to not only hurt you, but to expose you to untold disease.

I'm so very sorry for you and your family.

JpnHeartBreak posted 1/14/2019 01:31 AM

I’m sorry you’re here, but this is the best place for you to be. I really think you should have him do a polygraph to even begin getting to the truth of his 25 years of cheating.

The1stWife posted 1/14/2019 05:27 AM

JT4588 has nailed it.

I am so sorry for you. If you had found this blog sooner you may have realized he was cheating sooner.

Finding out after decades is painful. I understand that feeling. You look back now and view your entire marriage as a lie.

And your H chose to cheat. Please know it has nothing to do with you. He didn’t cheat because you weren’t a good wife. He chose to cheat despite the fact you were a good wife.

Your best move is getting a counselor for you. Just you. To help you navigate the emotional pain. It can save yiur santy.

Keep posting here. We will support you.

annb posted 1/14/2019 06:21 AM

Hi, welcome to SI.

I agree, JT nailed it. Gently, you only have the tip of the iceberg.

Seek out several attorneys to find out what your rights are.

Understand your husband has probably spent thousands of dollars of your finances to support his addiction.

Reading a book or going to a counselor is not going to fix him. He needs a professional diagnosis, and honestly, even with the truth, it will take him years to recover, if ever.

I think you need to get half of your savings into your own account. Get tested for STDS. Find your own counselor. Lean on trusted family and friends. If your children are adults, tell them what is going on, you will need them for support.

He's a sick individual, you cannot fix him, and I don't believe he truly wants to fix himself. He got caught now he's scrambling for a short period of time to be a good boy.

There's never been two in your marriage, at least three or more. As tough as that is to think about, it's the truth. Love is not enough, and your husband loves himself more than anything else in this world Multiple women and men, massages, porn, affairs, and god only knows what else.

Right now you are probably in shock, and once the shock wears off, you will begin to see this man for who he truly is. He has shown you who he is, repeatedly. Please believe him.

Hugs...

Furious1 posted 1/14/2019 13:03 PM

I am so sorry. If you haven't, you might want to read the two pinned posts at the top of this forum. It might help you avoid some missteps that are common.

F1

BellaLee posted 1/15/2019 17:15 PM

Hi @Allaliefor25 I'm so sorry you are having to go through this in your marriage. Having walked this path myself, I know how painful the hurt of betrayal by a loved one can be. I don't know where your faith is or how strong it is but it took nothing short of a miracle from God to save my marriage.

I can't tell you what to do but I know we had to seek godly marriage counseling to help us. The truth is it was not an easy journey, because we had to deal with so many issues and lies that had been buried and we also needed individual counseling.
One thing I have learnt from my experience is that no marriage is too far gone that God cannot save.
Your story may or may not end up like mine but you will be okay. Praying you will find strength for the days ahead to enable you walk this journey with dignity and hope. You are certainly worthy of love that can be trusted.