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Not sure if i should

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Ripped62 posted 1/12/2019 22:40 PM

This is the romantic period of your and his life. He should be showing you his best and treating you wonderfully. He blew it. You do not need a wayward boyfriend. Dating another person in a committed relationship is wrong.

He should be all about you. You should never be a "doubt" or second place in anyone's life. He does not get the luxury of stringing you along while engaging in other relationships. You are the prize. He is a used toy. Give him to ladies less fortunate than you.

Make him work his ass off just to receive a hello from you. Better yet let him realize the life long mistake he has made by getting rid of him. Then you should take the opportunity to find someone worthy of being in a long term committed relationship with you.

Never settle for someone lacking the character and integrity to be in a long term monogamous relationship with you.....if that is what you desire.

His intentions were never just coffee in my opinion. He either was more involved with her or was seeking to be more involved with her. Otherwise why go on a date when you are in a committed relationship and have a girlfriend.

His appropriate response should have been to take you to coffee.

If the other woman asked him for a coffee date, he should have shot it down by telling her he was in a committed relationship with Notsureifishould. He then should figure out why he was projecting that he was single or available and address it.

Based upon his wayward actions and the idiocy of his discourse with you, it appears that your boyfriend suffers from a degenerative case of Fecal Encephalopathy.

You deserve so much more than he has offered to you.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 6:52 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Jduff posted 1/13/2019 00:05 AM

So let me try out his method of character determination in other areas of moral dilemma -

"I wasn't sure if I was a murdering type so I murdered my co-worker last night. Turns out that I realize murdering people really does bother me. I guess I'm a pacifist after all...right?"


"Hey, I just wasn't sure if I was someone who could take from others and see if wouldn't bother me. So, I robbed a bank this afternoon and realized I feel waaaaay too guilty to take money that I did not earn.
I guess I just have integrity, right? Hey! Dinners on me tonight!"

Do you really want to share marital vows with someone who thinks this way?

ShutterHappy posted 1/13/2019 06:27 AM

This enitre thing is eating me up. I went against all odds to be with him. I am unhappy and have lost all my confidence. I think i am not good enough.

Letís assume he just went for coffee (which is hard to believe).
Why would you date someone (and consider marriage) that makes you feel that way? Why go against all odds? What you are doing is like having a melanoma, and ďgoing against all odds ď and ignoring it.

You are not his doctor and you donít need to heal him by sacrificing your self-worth. You need someone on you side that you can trust, that supports you so that you can support others.

Any decent man that you date will make you feel happy, will make you feel like the most important person in the room. He wonít need to date other woman to boost his confidence, he will know what he want, and what he wants is the prize, you.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 6:32 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Notsureifishould posted 1/13/2019 07:38 AM

Oh my god ! THANK YOU SO MUCH everyone who replied. I was worried that nobody would respond but this is over whelming. Thank you so so much for the support. I feel better knowing how i have a place where i can talk about this. I want to share a detailed version of my story so everyone understands it better. I don't want to leave this guy. This relationship means so much to me and i want to make it work. I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again. It is hard to understand why i still want this. It is all probably in the details. The small small things that matter. Will post an elaborate version soon.

totallydumb posted 1/13/2019 07:58 AM

Oh my god ! THANK YOU SO MUCH everyone who replied. I was worried that nobody would respond but this is over whelming.

Almost everyone here has or is going through what you are. Unfortunately, we all have experience in this terrible situation. We will be here to support you and give advice, you are not alone.

I want to share a detailed version of my story so everyone understands it better.

This would be good, then we can give you better advice and support.

I don't want to leave this guy.

All this is so raw and fresh, lots of emotion. Take your time, and carefully consider all the options before you make a decision one way or another. Is your WS worthy of you?

I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again.

You can't MAKE him do anything!!!

You can only control you.

oldtruck posted 1/13/2019 09:33 AM

Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

He has lied multiple times and cheated once that you
know of.

I have seen too many posters tell about how they got
on while dating but married that person anyway only
to have them cheat again after they married them.

Doctors are supposed to be smart. If you are then
dump him.

[This message edited by oldtruck at 9:34 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

Notmysoulmate posted 1/13/2019 11:07 AM

Dear Notsure, You canít make him Ď not lieí. You canít fix him. He has to fix himself. You donít want to end up back here in 20 years with a much more complicated problem. You deserve an honest loving relationship. I know that itís difficult but please consider the advice you have been given.

Ripped62 posted 1/13/2019 11:18 AM

If you ever think about marrying him or staying together so that he has common law rights as your husband get a prenuptial agreement well in advance of doing either of these things.

Also, keep all assets such as bank accounts, investments, business holdings, and real estate separate or with clearly demarcated ownership. Protect yourself economically. You also do not want him to be sabotaging assets for another woman if he finds someone else he would rather be with if he ever starts dating again.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 11:21 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

burninghouse posted 1/13/2019 12:53 PM

First, you are absolutely worthy of a man who does not lie to you or cheat on you. That should be a GIVEN, and it's actually the minimum. You are worth so much more than what he has shown you.

You have your whole life ahead of you. You are smart and successful. You are a catch, a prize. He is not worthy of you.

Please read up on the 180 in The Healing Library. Understand you cannot make him not lie. This is like trying to make an addict stop using. He has to want - really, really want - to stop. On his own. Otherwise, you are in danger of doing the codependency dance with a liar and a cheat who will continue this pattern.

Liars do not easily change, but if you think he is willing to change, your best bet is to do a hard 180 and see what he does. The 180 will give you distance to heal and to think about what you really want in a relationship. What are you dealbreakers? It's important to know them, be firm in them, and give real consequences for infractions. It's not easy, but you can absolutely do it.

Keep listening to your gut and note any red flags that come up. Write things down so you don't forget. It's all too easy to forget stuff when you're heart is on the line.

Gently, it may be hard to fathom right now, especially since you are afraid to lose him, but there are definite patterns in betrayal. Lying is a serious red flag and pattern. You don't have to decide right now, but do take the time to read up on the 180 as well as others' stories.

Gently, I do not like his "you'll do" attitude at all. He's comparing you to another woman and went behind your back. His "experiment" excuse is more than lame and highly suspect. The lying and the date alone show you this man's character and exactly what he will do in the future.

The burden is on HIM. He must do the hard work to win you back, and if he doesn't, you'll know.

If it helps, you can think of the 180 as your own "experiment" to see if this man is truly worthy of you.

While you are doing the 180, take excellent care of yourself. Self-care is huge and you need it now more than ever. Seek out your own IC, a good one, and gain some distance from this man while you process what has happened.

I dated and lived with a man who lied about little things. It was a baby red flag, so I brought it up each time I caught him in a 'little white lie'. It was so frustrating, why would he lie about such little things? We'd fight over it, and he'd finally admit to lying and promise not to do it again. I explained to him that it's not easy to trust someone with the big things in life if they constantly lie about little things. I thought it was a character quirk, so I eventually let some of the lies go. I figured it was likely due to FOO (family of origin) issues. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Fast forward 21 years later, and this liar turned out to be a cheater, too. Multiple affairs and a secret life. Had I known what I did not know then, I would have run as fast as I could. Nothing would have stopped me from leaving this man if only I had known what devastation marrying him would bring. We had a good life together. He was my best friend. I loved him dearly and was in the marriage 100%. None of that mattered. He was a chronic liar and, as it turns out, a cheater too. Double life. I honestly don't understand how anyone can do that, but it happens. I still can't wrap my mind around the things he has done.

You are the only one who can make this decision. It bears repeating - realize nothing you can do will change him. He has to WANT, really want, beyond anything, to change himself. If you give him no consequences for what he has done to you, why would he change? And why would you just take his word for it? He has to SHOW you beyond any doubt that he has changed. You must be witness to his changed ways in the present because future promises from a liar are worth zilch.

I'm so sorry, I know how difficult this is. It sucks beyond measure. None of us wanted to be here, and yet here we are. We can offer support, advice, feedback, our stories, what we've learned and how we've grown. We are here for you and each other.

You are obviously a caring, trusting, accomplished woman who deserve someone that gives you the BEST ODDS at a happy life. Do not settle for less.

PricklePatch posted 1/13/2019 13:35 PM

Not sure,

I have a great deal of empathy for you. You sound like you are in love with him and ignoring red flags that say he is not healthy for you.

Lots of people love pizza and French fries, they taste great. They give us pleasure until we get a stomach ache or get a blockage. Long term if you have a blockage despite how good they are we have to give them up to live a healthy live. As a person his actions have shown you he canít be trusted. The choice is to sweep it under the rug or deal with the issues.

If your BF wasnít selfish he would have spoken to you about his doubts and said that he wanted to date others. I donít want to hurt you but what he did was chose to keep you as plan B.

You deserve better then plan b. Maybe you feel guilty about your schooling requirements. The commitment toward working on becoming a doctor and the dedication to your job.

Despite how much you love him you have caught him in several lies. He makes a choice to lie, that is not a mistake. He has shown you he is not to be trusted. You need to believe him.

To recover from infidelity is usually 2 to 5 years. I caught my husband in one sided EA, him obsessed with another woman. She didnít care about him. This was the tip of the iceberg. He was obsessing about our nephews GF, she was 19. That lead to me finding out he was getting happy endings.

I image with your schedule he had a lot of opportunity. You will never be able to trust a proven liar.

His verbiage HE wanted to try it out, HE was coming back to you, HE felt you were his best shot. His best shot at what?

Is he your best shot at a healthy relationship? Probably not if you want a healthy relationship. To gain one with him you would need complete transparency, him in individual therapy. Eventually couples therapy.

Hereís the bigger question: if this is the honeymoon period what happens in the long term. Long term relationships become not as exciting and itís easier to get caught up in OW.

As much as you want this relationship, he doesnít sound like he is ever going to be trustworthy. Will he put a gas in his phone, if you marry will he sign a post nup?

Edie posted 1/13/2019 13:59 PM

It seems he is not ready to settle down, commit. That would be an understandable considering how young you both got together. Trying to sow his unsown wild oats whilst in a relationship with you is not fine however. Cut him loose. You deserve better.

That is more curt than I would normally be, sorry 😊

Turn your focus back onto yourself. Why did you settle down so young? Why do you need to be part of a couple? Now at this point when your career is just beginning and all sort of interesting places beckon?

[This message edited by Edie at 2:24 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

BBBD posted 1/14/2019 09:42 AM

I was married to an MD (internship, residency and fellowship) and I have to admit, there were so many shady things going on with MD couples. Lot of infidelity, on both sides.

There were a lot of MDs that were in a relationship just because they did not want to be alone. Donít be that MD.

trustedg posted 1/14/2019 10:03 AM

I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again.
You can't make him do anything. He has shown you who he is, believe him. At least find separate living quarters for now and DO NOT marry him.

nutmegkitty posted 1/14/2019 11:34 AM

I have to echo what everyone is saying. Run. Cut ties.
You can't make him not lie, or make him do anything else for that matter.

And, gently, it was probably more than a coffee date.

Shocked123 posted 1/14/2019 12:47 PM

Tell him you're not sure you like men who cheat so you're going to try to date an honest man for a trial, you know, go for coffee only .
See how he feels about that.
Sweetie, you sound so much like me 25-30 years ago. I was taken with my husband. So much so that I suspected he cheated once and I confronted him and believed his ies.
Fast forward 25 years and he cheated for at least 12 of our 22 married years.

Dismayed2012 posted 1/14/2019 14:08 PM

You can't make somebody have morals notsure. You can't make somebody be faithful. You can't make somebody commit to you solely. He's shown you who and what he is; believe him. If you don't take the huge hint he's sent you several times now, your life is going to be hell and you'll find yourself in 10 years kicking yourself for wasting those years with a cheating liar when you could have spent them with someone who cared enough about you to be faithful. No one is worth that kind of pain. It's your choice.

Notsureifishould posted 1/14/2019 14:54 PM

I started med school 5 years ago. Day 1 i see a guy staring at me. He looked cute. Lets call him Ted. He fell head over heels for me. I was younger , happier and wanted to give every crazy possibility a try. I liked Ted but i wasn't in love with him. He tried all he could for months but gave up in the end. As time passed Ted and i became best friends. I had just come out of a relationship and he was a big support. He had a crush on this girl called mia (not the read name). We were best buds. We lived in seperate buildings but in the same campus. He helped me move on. I helped him get closer to Mia.In no time the three of us became friends and i got to know Mia isn't the person she pretends to be. I suddenly became protective for Ted. Ted had not really lost feelings for me and i started to realise how i did have feelings for him. Mia was just a harmless crush and i was the girl he fell for. After a lot of thought i decided to tell him how i feel. First i confronted him about his feelings for Mia. He said the crush is gone and now that we're all friends mia is in that zone. I was his friend too. His best friend but he never stopped loving me. So after months of trying, thinking , talking and being bffs, we were finally in a relationship. Mia was still a friend but now things were different.(dont want to go into the details of that) long story short - she was jealous and she tried to break us up. Mia was in love with Ted. I was so angry that i asked her to leave us alone. Ted and i agreed never to talk to her again because she was toxic to him and me individually as well as to our relationship. We were a happy couple. One of those couples the college considers "goals". Life was good. Everything was perfect. I was studying well. I had a guy who loved me so so much and i loved him back. He was so dreamy. He made me laugh, got me flowers, he'd send me texts saying how he wanted to grow fat together! He'd come out in the middle of a cold night stand near a tree just to see me on my third floor balcony.
1 year and a few months passed and i found out that Ted and Mia were still in touch. He went behind my back and texted her. I read those texts. He had appolgized, asked her to stay in touch behind my back, sent her loving words saying everything will be okay. All of it behind my back. If he wanted to be friends with her he should have told me. I would have understood. We would have found out another way. Worked something up together as a team. But he kept talking to her. I dont know how many times or if at all they met. This was the first lie i caught. I confronted him and he said he wanted the three of us to get back together. Be friends like we were before so he tried and did what he thought was right. I was angry and upset and i yelled and cried. He appologized so so much. He realized his mistake. He begged me for one more chance. It wasn't like he was cheating on me, i thought. I thought it was just a mistake he made. Lied because he was scared of telling me the truth. I loved him and i gave him the chance. I thought that's it. He lied i caught and now that everything is out in the open he wont need to lie anymore. I gave him the chance. That just led me to the next lie. Will write about it in the next part.

I have 2 more parts from the past bringing us to the situation today. Will post those soon.
I want say thank you to everyone who has responded. I have recieved some really helpful advice. I will reply once i finish all the parts of my story. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH.

jlg05 posted 1/14/2019 16:19 PM

"I want to share a detailed version of my story so everyone understands it better. I don't want to leave this guy. This relationship means so much to me and i want to make it work. I want to make him not lie to me anymore and make me trust him again. It is hard to understand why i still want this. It is all probably in the details. The small small things that matter. Will post an elaborate version soon."

You WILL NOT get him to stop lying. YOU are too co-dependent and you are viewing him with the way YOU see him -- not as he really is. He has shown you a number of times, but you don't want to believe him. He is a cheat and a liar. Just read your part I -- this isn't the first time he has been cheating on you, and you don't seem to see it -- he WILL CONTINUE to do this to you. You need to understand this.

twisted posted 1/14/2019 16:21 PM

He said he had been feeling closed up with me. He tried but he couldn't talk to or share his feelings with me. He said he had to check for himself and as an experiment he dated another girl. To see if he could open up in front of her.

Tell him are going to do the same thing.
You'll let him know.

Shocked123 posted 1/14/2019 16:32 PM

High five, Twisted!
I told her the same.
Give him a taste of his own medicine.

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