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Not sure if i should

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Notsureifishould posted 1/12/2019 12:49 PM

I am a doctor. I just finished college. My boyfriend and have been dating for 5 years now. We moved in together 8 months ago. Everything was perfect. We were happy. We even wanted to get married. Then one fine day i found out that he's dating another girl. I confronted him. He said he does not have feelings for anyone but me. They had only gone out once for a coffee date. He said he had been feeling closed up with me. He tried but he couldn't talk to or share his feelings with me. He said he had to check for himself and as an experiment he dated anothet girl. To see if he could open up infront of her. He couldn't. The "experiment" failed and he realised that i am his best shot and opening up about his feelings. He wants to give it a try. Give this relationship another shot and this time with complete honesty. I am not sure if i should do this. I dont know if all his reasons are true. I dont know what to believe in anymore. Choose to see that he dated someone else or see ehy it hapoened and rectify it. He wants to give us a chance. I'm not sure if i should.
I haven't been a part of any supprt group ever. So i dont really know how all this works. All i know is that i need help and that's why i am here.

[This message edited by Notsureifishould at 1:59 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

max2018 posted 1/12/2019 13:27 PM

Take a look around the forum

Many stories started the same as yours

They didn't walk away the first time

And they lived to regret it


P.S he is lying

Notsureifishould posted 1/12/2019 14:04 PM

Not the first time that i've caught him lying to me. He has lied to me before. Borken my trust. He always came to his senses and did all the making up.
But this time it wasn't just some lie i caught. This was him DATING another girl.
What if he is lying about his reasons... what if he isn't ?

Notsureifishould posted 1/12/2019 14:11 PM

This enitre thing is eating me up. I went against all odds to be with him. I am unhappy and have lost all my confidence. I think i am not good enough. I have lost my will to live in a world where i did no harm to anyone and yet i am facing betrayal in my life. I love him with all my heart but moving on is tough.

[This message edited by Notsureifishould at 2:12 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

LifeLostLongAgo posted 1/12/2019 14:15 PM

He's a bum. Years of torment waiting for you with him.

Freeme posted 1/12/2019 14:33 PM

This was him DATING another girl. What if he is lying about his reasons... what if he isn't ?
Lot's more questions. I doubt he is telling you the truth about it "just being a coffee date." Have you seen his phone and his messages? How often were they texting? Where did he meet her? He was too shy to tell the woman he was making plans to marry that he was feeling closed up... but not to shy to pick-up on, meet and date another woman? What do you know about the OW?

His excuse sounds like something he came up with that would give him the least amount of blame possible.... it wasn't cheating it was an experiment. It wasn't an affair it was research...

I know it's hard but this should be your honeymoon period. Finally together for the past 8 months. What's scary is that he lead you to believe everything was perfect, that you were happy together ... while picking up on, cheating with, and dateing another woman.

I"m not going to scream run but I will scream don't let this slide. Don't dismiss it because breaking up would be too hard. Ask to see his phone, his phone bill. He lies, find out the facts about how often he was keeping in touch, what they were saying...

You are a smart capable woman that has a wonderful life ahead of her. Don't be with a man that isn't capable of telling the truth just because it's too hard to break-up with him.

Good luck and keep posting.

Krieger posted 1/12/2019 14:52 PM

The whole reason for dating is seeing who is marriage material and who isn't. HE ISN'T! He is not being truthful at all, weak and lame excuse. You are a young professional woman. Why don't you believe that you deserve someone better than someone who repeatedly lies to you? Your career is going to have you away from home from time to time, you don't need to be worrying about what is going on behind your back. The right man will come along, don't settle.

paboy posted 1/12/2019 15:23 PM

Lets look after you first dear. Ensure that you are eating, even if it is a protein bar/shake. Keep hydrated. Limit your alcohol intake. Sleep is very important(may need to take sleeping aids during this initial period). If you have close friends or family that you can confide in and can keep confidences, reach out or alternatively seek IC as soon as you can.

On this page, on the top left hand corner is a yellow box with links. Press 'The healing Library'. On the top of that section gives you some aids you can use. 'Articles' and 'Books' are included to help you through this.

In 'Articles', you will see the '180'. Read this. It is one of the best actions that you need to do at this point. In essence, it teaches you to minimise any contact, or interaction so that you can emotional detach. This allows you the space to work out what you need to do to move forward. This can be done even when you reside together. Its not designed as a punitive action.

What ever he has done is a reflection of his brokeness. IC will help you through this.

During the weekends this forum tends to slow abit, but people will be there to help advise you through this. Post as often as you need. People will post from various experiences and perspectives. You know your specific situation. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Welcome to the forum that no one wishes to be.

Gunnut posted 1/12/2019 15:30 PM

What if he is lying about his reasons... what if he isn't ?

So what a liar is a liar and a cheater is a cheater and liars cheat and cheaters lie. He failed the dating test. Marriage only adds more stress and complications and if he does this now, what might he do when there’s stress from kids, mortgage, etc.. I would have seen finding out my WW was early on as a cheater, as a comparative gift; I found out my WW was a cheater 19years and 3 kids later. Im proR for marriages with kids, but you haven’t even gotten to marriage without him “experimenting” with other women. RUN!!!

[This message edited by Gunnut at 6:16 PM, January 12th (Saturday)]

steadychevy posted 1/12/2019 15:48 PM

He has shown you what he is. Believe him. He lied to you previously and now has "dated" another woman when he's supposedly committed to you. Add my voice to the RUN chorus.

You have no links like children, mortgages, years of life together. As much as it hurts now it would be much worse later. You are the prize. He is not. The cheating (and this innocent date, experiment, research is cheating) is all on him. Not on him not being able to open up and be transparent with you as if you were the cause of that. It is all on him.

You are a Doctor. You are accomplished. You make commitments and goals and fulfil them. You are the prize.

totallydumb posted 1/12/2019 15:50 PM

Hi Notsureifishould,

Sorry to see you here.

In a dating relationship for 5 years, you have caught him lying in the past and now he is "experimenting" by dating another woman.

So now what?

What do you want? You probably don't know, your emotions are all over the place. This is normal, most of us on this site have been right where you are.

In the healing library there is tons of information. There is a technique called the 180. This is used by you to give yourself emotional space from your BF so you can think clearly.

Ensure you eat, sleep and stay hydrated.

Healthy mind and body will help you with this terrible situation you find yourself in.

Don't make any decisions yet. Give yourself time to stop your head from spinning, and your emotions to slow down. Breathe, take a read of some of the other threads and posts on this site it will help you understand things a little better. Post often, others will be along to help, give advice and support.

The1stWife posted 1/12/2019 16:34 PM

You are allowing him to control the situation.

He cheated. Whether once or more. He cheated.

Those are the facts.

Forget what he wants - what do you want to do?

It may be too soon to decide. But get a counselor for you. To support you.

brkn_heartd posted 1/12/2019 18:28 PM

I am so sorry you are experiencing this...betrayal is so hard. That is exactly what this is...I promise you his "experimentation" is more than just one date. You have said he lied previously. This is problematic now and will be later. Seriously reflect on what you want. I promise you that you are worthy of a loyal, good partner. This is about his brokenness...nothing about you.

Right now, take care of you. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water, walk, get some fresh air and give yourself healing time. Know he is minimizing what happened, trying to convince you that nothing much has happened.

ChamomileTea posted 1/12/2019 18:40 PM

He said he had been feeling closed up with me. He tried but he couldn't talk to or share his feelings with me. He said he had to check for himself and as an experiment he dated anothet girl. To see if he could open up infront of her. He couldn't. The "experiment" failed and he realised that i am his best shot and opening up about his feelings. He wants to give it a try. Give this relationship another shot and this time with complete honesty.

So, you're his "best shot", huh? Sounds like a job interview and he's not quite sure you're going to make the cut. What happens next time he feels like another "experiment"?

I'm not saying you should dump him. What I am saying is that you're a young doctor with a great career and a lot of earning potential ahead of you. If you do decide to keep him around, consider downgrading him to a dating relationship and see how it goes. I think you might find that he's too self-involved to be a good candidate for lifelong companionship. His "experiment" was at YOUR expense, after all. The last thing you want is to be 15 years down the road with a couple of kids and paying alimony to an immature Casanova whose still trying to "find" himself.

Adlham posted 1/12/2019 19:09 PM

For what it's worth, every single guy who ever cheated on me (and there were quite a few) used a very similar line.

"I just wanted to make sure that I really loved you. And I do! I know that now!"


I'm flattered.

I'm no longer with any of them. My husband treats me so good that I sometimes pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

Robert22205https posted 1/12/2019 19:10 PM

I strongly suggest IC for yourself to process his betrayal - but also to explore what characteristics you want in a life partner.

You have a reasonable basis to suspect this is not not the first nor his last affair.

My son is engaged to a surgeon so I get an earful about dating a doctor. Your career requires a strong independent trustworthy partner (not another patient). Not just for you but as a father for your kids.

BBBD posted 1/12/2019 21:13 PM

Why are you living with him? In a sense he’s telling you, “You will do, till I meet someone better”.


Ponus18 posted 1/12/2019 21:18 PM

I’m sorry to hear about your situation.

Only you can decide of course but I think if you spend some time reading others’ stories here at SI you’ll conclude that if you stay together you’ll likely end up back here, only this time married and perhaps with children.

5 years is a long time I know, but it could be so much worse.

Some people cheat and lie. Your boyfriend is one of them. Will he change and be faithful in marriage? Maybe, but not very likely.

I hope you’ll decide to see this for what it is - a failed courtship and a lucky break that you found out now. I hope you’ll meet someone who deserves and respects you and who is faithful to you.

Best of luck.

Marie2792 posted 1/12/2019 21:24 PM

I would bet she dumped him and so he’s sticking with plan b. You’re a sure bet because you have forgiven him before. No doubt they have had sex because honestly, one coffee date isn’t enough to decide if a person is compatible to your style. Not buying that BS.

You aren’t married and have no entanglements. Oh and you’re a doctor. Run fast and run far.

Buster123 posted 1/12/2019 21:32 PM

Run don't walk !!! he's now a proven cheater and a liar, please save yourself from more heartache and infidelity 5 or 10 years from now and a few children later, making things more complicated. Just dump him and find someone who will love you and respect you.

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