SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

Dontworrybehappy posted 1/12/2019 11:09 AM

So here is my pathetic story of why I am here.

Husband went out of town a lot and one of the times he was gone I needed up going to a bbq with our friends. It’s a couple he has known from jr high. Anyways got pretty drunk and the husband of the friends talked me and his wife into playing strip poker, everyone else was sleeping. So we played and I instantly regretted it. The next day i felt awful and caked to tell my husband. He was LIVID. Hurt and felt I betrayed him. Fast forward a couple months and we are at a party with this couple at there house. All of us again drinking well she had seen her husband walk off with her sister in law whom he had an affair with and lost it. I had went home and my husband stayed. He was in the garage smoking and she was crazy she looked at another friend in the garage and said f me just f me and lunges at him and he was like wth and went inside. Then she went and kissed my husband. I guess she told her husband the next day and mine didn’t tell me..
a few months later we had a get together with a ton of friends. Me and my husband got into a fight that night and so I went to bed he stayed up. I guess he had a long conversations with her and convinced her to kiss him. She made it clear she didn’t want to and didn’t want him. But it was like he didn’t care he was on a mission for something. So they kissed AGAIN. A few days later he called apologized and said he wanted his wife and it will never happen again. And I guess she did try again later. Saying to him “I could kiss you but I won’t” and he said “good I don’t want you too” all three of them knew for a tear before I found out.

layla1234 posted 1/12/2019 11:14 AM

Are you sure this is all that happened??

squid posted 1/12/2019 11:25 AM

He felt you cheated (definite grey area) so he cheated. It’s almost NEVER just a kiss.

You guys each need IC.

QVee posted 1/12/2019 11:27 AM

Yes, I have to concur with layla. We don't mean to sound jaded, but I've been on this site several years, and I've never seen a situation on here where it stopped at a few kisses.

Just make sure you know all the information before you make a decision. And then, you don't have to rush. Make sure you read the healing library and be kind to yourself.

Dontworrybehappy posted 1/12/2019 12:03 PM

I know what you guys are saying and yes this is facts. Now I feel stupid about sharing. And it was nothing more than a kiss

toughtotrust posted 1/12/2019 12:05 PM

If your husband posted this, we would be telling him that it is unlikely that you just played strip poker. I don't put much weight into the fact that you admitted it, and he did not say anything. It doesn't make much difference, although, I do believe what you have said. I'm just providing this as perspective.

It's pretty clear that both of you have loose boundaries, and your friends have even looser ones. Do they swing or swap, by any chance? Because it almost sounds like they tried to "suck" you into their lifestyle, one at a time.

With all that said. This "I don't want you when you want me" BS between you Husband and friend could be something, or maybe not. At a minimum its some serious flirting and playing hard to get.

You both need counseling, to establish boundaries and I think there needs to to be some very serious discussions about whether or not this couple is important enough to maintain a relationship with. My gut says no, or at a minimum, couples only with no individual late nights.

kaygem posted 1/12/2019 12:56 PM

Please hear me, you both need IC, much better boundaries and ditch the friend group. Also, stop partying. There is a better life out there for you but you won't find it if you keep hanging out with asshats and acting like teenagers. Grow up and take care of yourselves and your marriage. You are both on track for lots of pain and disaster in the future if you don't.

Hopeful30 posted 1/12/2019 13:09 PM

I’m not going to focus on who cheated first. What I will say is kissing is not JUST kissing.
There is a lot of lead up to it, looks, innuendos, etc.
Also, it’s not just lips. There is holding, touching, caressing. And once that kiss boundary is crossed, it’s easy to go farther.
You are both on the edge, and it’s a long fall off the cliff.

This is not a game, these are things that will haunt you if you both do not stop and regroup. Are there children in this marriage?

And it appears you have friends who are not friends of your marriage.
Please, please you both need IC and MC.

KOBA posted 1/12/2019 13:12 PM

kaygem, I agree.
Dontworrybehappy, Find new friends there are some really good quality people out there, don't let there toxic behavior ruin you.

pureheartkit posted 1/12/2019 23:47 PM

Its not too late, you must both take this deadly serious and get help now. The old ways have to go.

PricklePatch posted 1/13/2019 03:33 AM

Please read not just friends by Shirley Glass. I personally would cut the friendship. It sounds like you were in a sexual situation with them. Poor boundaries. He is a known cheater. I wouldn’t believe it was just a kiss.

Can you recover? You can with the truth and hard work.

Dontworrybehappy posted 1/13/2019 09:42 AM

I get that in most situations it would go further especially drinking. But I do know that it was just a kiss. I know my husband grabbed her ass when kissing. But nothing more. He literally had to talk her into it. And she went home and told her husband that night. I don’t believe that she wanted my husband in that way. I think her struggle was her husband. I think that she almost did it to get him back. See her husband had over a year affair with her sister in law. Kinda shitty guy.

Marz posted 1/13/2019 10:02 AM

Yo both need a different group of friends.

Some IC and MC as well.

Crushed7 posted 1/13/2019 10:06 AM

Your husband ACTIVELY pursued an opportunity with someone he knew was vulnerable and could be open to not only kisses, but much more. In doing so, he was self-centered and treated you with a lack of love and respect. All that indicates that he has some underlying character issues that he needs to address if he is going to be a safe partner. He needs to take responsibility and have the self-critical motivation to seek help/put in the effort to make deep, substantial change. At that point you would be in a position to feel that reconcilation is possible.

However, I could write the same to your WH. You haven't taken full responsibility for what you did, instead blaming what happened on alcohol and the other husband while rationalizing that you've done your penance by immediately feeling bad afterwards. The short of it is that you treated your husband with a lack of love/respect all because there was something deep down that you were seeking (e.g. attention, approval, etc.). Just like your husband, you have your own journey of self-discovery and adjustment that should be taken, but only you can commit to doing so.

As others have indicated, you both really need IC (individual counseling) with someone who is experienced and skilled in betrayal and, likely, FOO (family of origin) issues. Without both you and your H healing and changing, you won't be in a position to jointly rebuild a marriage.

PricklePatch posted 1/13/2019 10:26 AM

Your intial question was could you forgive a couple of kisses. If I had 100% confidence that it was a couple of kisses it would be conditional on hard work.

It would also require hard no contact with the couple. Both reading Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

Watch actions not words and get into some individual counseling then MC.

Worse thing you can do is sweep this under the rug.

AmeliaSphinx posted 1/13/2019 12:39 PM

You two need to stop going around that toxic couple and seek individual counseling.

AmeliaSphinx posted 1/13/2019 12:43 PM

& to answer your question, I forgave sex in my bed and him receiving oral sex from the lady multiple times....it depends on his actions on if I would forgive or not and it would depend on if this is something that has never happened befor. Where I am right now with my husband, I’ve forgiven enough, no more room to forgive any other thing.

Dontworrybehappy posted 1/15/2019 10:22 AM

You neoildnt go as far as saying he manipulated and took advantage. She initiated this entire thing. I get angry all the time thinking in depth of it. But I do agree that we need to get our priorities right. I tried to mend it somewhat with this couple but it sometimes makes it worse. I think it’s all just time to end the friendship. Even if we have so many mutual friends they are just poisoned.

The ex friend actually said to me that she feels she can’t speak to my husband now. I wanted to punch her face!

annb posted 1/15/2019 10:33 AM

It doesn't matter who initiated it, your husband participated. He could have said no and walked away. He chose not to. Please don't put the blame solely on the OW. Your husband made a vow to you, she didn't.

I highly suggest you seek new friends. These people seem toxic.

Both of you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will help with boundaries.

I'm not going to speculate if it was more than just kissing, but from my personal experience and many others here, we were told the same thing, it was just a kiss only to find out later it was a huge lie. Just be open to any possibilities.

Be vigilant, please, because cheaters will minimize and minimize. All of them.

[This message edited by annb at 10:34 AM, January 15th (Tuesday)]

Fbtjax posted 1/15/2019 11:31 AM

You neoildnt go as far as saying he manipulated and took advantage. She initiated this entire thing. I get angry all the time thinking in depth of it. But I do agree that we need to get our priorities right. I tried to mend it somewhat with this couple but it sometimes makes it worse. I think it’s all just time to end the friendship. Even if we have so many mutual friends they are just poisoned.
The ex friend actually said to me that she feels she can’t speak to my husband now. I wanted to punch her face!

Clearly, accountability is a foreign concept for you and your husband.

I would expect my wife to decline playing strip poker with another couple, whether I'm there or not, and I would expect her to tell me about it if I wasn't there. I would also use that as an opportunity to cut off contact with these friends as their continued association would put my marriage in jeopardy. You both screwed up. You've gotten plenty of advice on getting into individual counselling. I suggest the same because neither one of you is able to set proper boundaries, or admit blame.