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What to do with the old stuff?

ISurrender posted 12/28/2018 19:07 PM

Been divorced now from the WW for 3+ years. Moved into a new house and made it comfortable for DD and me. While I got rid of lots of the crap my WW collected, I'm looking for advice from you all on what to do with memories that remain.

I've held onto marriage album, cards, mementos of past trips taken, and other stuff. They are all boxed up in the basement. I guess I have kept them thinking when DD gets older, she may want to see or have them. Lately, I am not really sure that particular history will be of value. I also have pics in the cloud that I have archived for the same reason.

From all ya'alls perspective, should I just scrap all of that stuff or let it fester in boxed in the basement?

Would appreciate some wisdom on this cause I am close to tossing most of it and don't want to do anything that I will regret later.

Catwoman posted 12/28/2018 19:30 PM

Keep it for your DD. Let her make the decision if she wants it or not. She will appreciate this, even if she chooses not to keep any of it.

It's not causing you harm or expense, right? If not, just let it ride.

Cat

ISurrender posted 12/28/2018 19:57 PM

Thank you Catwoman. It's not harming me as I don't go digging in it.

Since posting, I've been thinking about my motives for keeping what I have. I keep what I have as a defense against my WW re-writing our history for my DD and lowering me in my DD's eyes. Because of their egos, the WW and POS have to spin the story that their former lives sucked and former spouses unloveable for their escape into each other's arms a triumphant event.

It's probably also that I want my DD to see the opposite - that the POS pursued and won over my WW which lead to the violent dissolution of our family. While I readily admit my marriage may not have survived without the POS, the end would have been more palatable without the affair.

Anyway, I share only because I'm trying to figure out (in my own head) if that motive is important to my question.

So, what I will probably do is dramatically skinny down what I have. Keep a few things. Put them in a box, seal it, and leave it for my DD to either find and look at or toss.

Good call?

Phoenix1 posted 12/28/2018 20:14 PM

When I went thru that stuff I made the effort to look at it from my perspective, as a singular person, and my kids' perspectives, i.e., will it really mean anything to them years from now, or were they present in the experience? This is what happened, by my thinking:

If the kids weren't involved, it will mean nothing to them. Wedding stuff? They weren't there. Cards or the cake top don't mean anything in terms of emotions on that day. Pictures tell the best story, so that's all I kept (all print pics to be digitized so I don't have to lug around heavy albums). Everything else? Bonfire.

Momentos from trips? Again the kid aspect, but also from my singular perspective *I* had that experience whether Xhole was there or not. Was it a fun trip? Yes? Keep small momentos for me. Sucky trip? Bonfire. Kids there? Keep for them.

You get the idea. This allowed me to keep things for me and things for the kids. Burned the rest, which was very cathartic by the way. I purged probably two thirds of the crap, and it was liberating.

deena04 posted 1/2/2019 18:27 PM

I vote to keep for DD. She can choose to keep them or thrown them once she can do that.

Simplicity posted 1/3/2019 07:48 AM

As a child of divorce secondary to my dad's infidelity, I didn't care for anything with my dad in it, particularly wedding stuff. I did, however enjoy this one letter he wrote to my mom about my sister.

If it's not bothering you, you can give your kid the choice later what to keep or not, but it won't matter as much as you think. At least get rid of any wedding stuff. Your kid doesn't need any of that.

EvenKeel posted 1/3/2019 08:10 AM

Another vote for just leaving it in that box untouched.

I am a scrapbooker so I tend to think of generations beyond my own children. Meaning, I would LOVE to have a picture of my late grandmother from any of her marriages (yes - she had a few of them ). It would not matter to me if it was with a guy she was then D from. Just to see what she looked like from that time period of her life would be so cool. I would hang it proudly.

Unless having this box is hampering your NB, I would just tape it up and forget about it for a couple decades.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 8:11 AM, January 3rd (Thursday)]

shakentocore posted 1/3/2019 08:35 AM

fWHs stepmother was the AP while fWHs mother was sick in nursing care. She threw away all photos of fWHs mom. His siblings collected photos from relatives, but only after they were grown. It hurt the kids to have their mom “erased.”

Keep the box for your DD If she is ever gaslighted into thinking your marriage was loveless or your XH was “never happy” because of a marriage re-write, DD can see for herself that there was love between her parents.

Striver posted 1/4/2019 13:33 PM

In my case the ex left me for someone she knew before we ever met. She habitually looks backward in life. They have married and are likely in it for the long haul.

I am in my 50s with three children. Will never have any more. Don't care for a stepdad relationship with someone else's kids. Since the ex can no longer be trusted and has elevated another man above me, I am the sole custodian of maintaining my legitimate relationship with the kids.

Appropriate stuff from that life of mine will be kept.

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