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Betrayed - again, devastated

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Cooley2here posted 1/10/2019 08:58 AM

How to get through this is just put one foot in front of the other. Priorities are: children, house, you...................................your marriage...................................him.

twisted posted 1/10/2019 10:58 AM

Geez, a flood, the last thing you needed right now.

He just wants to know when Iím getting over it so he can have his life back.

That is the last of your concerns, if at all. Tell him when he figures out how to unfuck her, to send you a text. ( sorry, that shit just pisses me off).

On the bright side, a woman with construction skills is attractive! I'm impressed.
Get somewhere safe and dry. Hopefully insurance will handle the damage. The distraction of getting the house repaired may be a blessing, gives you a mission to take your mind off your WH for awhile, and time is just what you need right now.
For me, a second time would be the last time.

ChamomileTea posted 1/10/2019 10:59 AM

We were in MC for over a year. It became a ďboth sidesĒ thing. He pointed the finger t me so much, andI worked so hard, so earnestly. Looking back, knowing that heíd been seeing hookers the whole time we were in MC, I really feel like he went beyond lying and was just plain cruel. He knew what he was doing. He saw how hard I was working. And had the gall to say it was all my fault.

So for that, I donít think I can forgive. and now heís saying all the things again to try to make this right. But Iíve heard it all before. Iíve wasted 20 years on him. I donít want to wait around for him to get it together.

I don't know if this will help you or not, but about ten years before my WH's Craigslist binge, I caught him out in some pretty bad internet shenanigans; cybering, phone calls, EA's, even sending money to some cam whores. At the time, I went right to a lawyer and told him I was divorcing him. Then, I let him cry his way out of it, much like what you're describing. Of course, within four years (unbeknownst to me) he was back at it, although a good bit less bold about it to be sure. And then... the Craigslist binge, nine months of searching for candidates followed by nine months of sex with multiple partners and various degrees of emotional attachment.

We're still together, and mostly recovered. There's never going to be trust again though, because at the bottom line, I thought he got it the first time. Turns out, not only did he NOT get it, he escalated.

I'm not saying stay or go. But I do wonder sometimes what my life would have been if I'd stayed the course the first time. Certainly, I would have avoided the crushing pain of a second betrayal, and I'm not convinced that my kids wouldn't have been better off as well. Sometimes a little adversity can build tremendous resilience. As things stand now, they're brilliant, but under-achieving in terms of self-sufficiency and even in happiness.

Like I said, not giving advice. Things will improve no matter what course you choose. Believe it. It's just going to be hard for awhile. Have faith that you and your kids are going to get through this and that life will be sweet again.

((hugs))

Oh, and be careful of that whole "sex-addict" excuse. Even if we buy into sex addiction as a diagnosed disorder (there are certainly biochemical reactions in play, so who knows?)... we end up dealing with a disordered sex addict. I don't know why waywards latch onto that. It makes them LESS appealing if you ask me.

twisted posted 1/10/2019 11:31 AM

I don't know why waywards latch onto that. It makes them LESS appealing if you ask me.

My fWW was the same way, when questioning her about the reasons why, was it FOO issues, peer pressure, KISA, etc. she was all too anxious to agree that, yes, that must be it!
Any port in a storm, if your BS needs an answer.

It's up to them to figure it out and deal with it.

nekonamida posted 1/10/2019 13:34 PM

He pointed the finger t me so much, andI worked so hard, so earnestly. Looking back, knowing that heíd been seeing hookers the whole time we were in MC, I really feel like he went beyond lying and was just plain cruel. He knew what he was doing. He saw how hard I was working. And had the gall to say it was all my fault.

It is cruel! Disgusting, despicable, and a whole slew of 4 letter words.

Babayaga, you're doing great. Just remember - the flood is temporary. Talking to him every hour is temporary. Your kids will get their rooms and stuff back. It's all a big, frustrating set back but at least it's not forever.

In a month or two, you can separate from him as much as possible. Don't buy into his crocodile tears for one second. They are all about HIM and for HIS pain. Your therapist is spot on about that. Let him think what he wants about the situation and watch his head spin when you're not forgiving him and begging for him back after the flood. He deserves the wake up call that it's not magically all better just because you're putting it aside to deal with the immediate crisis.

babayaga posted 1/14/2019 23:35 PM

Hi everyone. I really appreciate all your words of advice and support. You donít know (weíll, maybe you do) what a tremendous gift it is to come here, speak your truth and get such unqualified support. This may be the nicest place on the internet.

Today I had a busy day planned at work. Itís really up to me to manage my time. I got derailed first with some family business, the flood and insurance, etc.

Then with snooping our phone records some more. Itís like a rabbit hole. Over the past week some memories have popped up of behavior that now seems suspicious. I ha e found that he wasnít just vcalling the one brothel, but another, and have found calls to several numbers that, if googled, come up as escort listings on those random hooker sites.

Thankfully, all my STD labs are in and theyíre all negative. Will have to repeat HIV though.

Am seeing him much more clearly now. We are only supposed to talk about kids, house, money. But over and over he devolves into talking about something else. I say thatís out of bounds. He says Iím being ďmeanĒ. Ha! But Iím pretty good at being firm. Later he will text and apologize.

Over and over he is essentially asking when we will be back together. WTF. It is still all about him. And when this nightmare will be over for him. Him him him.

While itís annoying, it is helpful to see more clearly that he still doesnít get it at all.

We have a group of friends (other couples) that are our really tight circle. They all know about the separation, and in recent months Iíd told the women about the emotional abuse. On Dday I told one of the women the whole truth. I wasnít sure if I was going to tell the other women. But I decided to. WH has implored me not to. But f it. These are my girlfriends. I needed them and they showed up for me big time.

He was so upset that I told them. Whatever. This is my life. Itís happening to me. And I needed help. He showed me that he was more concerned about his rep with them than he was about my healing and getting support. (And yes, I know theyíre trustworthy- we have all shared some big secrets over 15 years and they have all been kept.).

Anyhow, I said no big decisions for a while, but I am feeling more and more that there is no way Iím staying. WHís behavior is confirming for me that itís the right choice.

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