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Betrayed - again, devastated

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brkn_heartd posted 12/27/2018 21:59 PM

You have done very well for yourself. It is not going to be an easy road, but you have the resolve that you need. Take care of you and your kids. You will get through this!

fareast posted 12/27/2018 23:12 PM

Very well done babyaga. The decisive steps you have put in place will serve you and your children well. Be prepared to be love bombed and manipulated. He will become desperate. He will use others to try and get to you and generate sympathy. My only concern is for you and your children to survive infidelity as quickly as possible. Whether you ultimately decide to D or R is no concern to me, but right now you are taking the right steps for you and your children. Strength to you moving forward.

Lalagirl posted 12/28/2018 06:16 AM

Today was a great fucking day.

I am very fucking PROUD of you! ((((HUGS!!))))

Be prepared to be love bombed and manipulated. He will become desperate.

He knows it's over and yes, he's desperate. His cushy life/wife with his horrid other life is now over. No more cush.

I'm glad you got support for him, though; that was very good of you.

Please keep us updated - I'm a little concerned that your WH is very unhinged...it's good to keep in communication with people IRL as well...just to be on the safe side.

Wishing you and your kidlets and very Happy New Year! 2019 is babyaga's year!

Decorum posted 12/28/2018 06:28 AM

Having children makes it so much more complicated. You have to balance needs and rights, all the while not using them as a weapon.

[This message edited by Decorum at 6:28 AM, December 28th (Friday)]

babayaga posted 12/28/2018 11:20 AM

Wow. The love bombing is in full affect.

I woke up to five very long emails from him this morning.

Yes, he is acting pretty unstable. Says he canít go on much longer like this. I am very close with his mother and Iím going to text her and let her know Iím concerned. She can help them out, he is staying at her house.

Right now I am most concerned about maintaining my room

Lalagirl posted 12/28/2018 14:07 PM

I am very close with his mother and Iím going to text her and let her know Iím concerned. She can help them out, he is staying at her house.

Good idea. You cannot help him; he fired you from that job when he stepped out of the M.

If he continues to allude that he is going to harm himself, call 911 and show them the texts/e-mails. The authorities will take him to a hospital for evaluation. If he is doing this to play you, you can be damned sure he won't play that card again; if he's truly in suicidal mode, they will help him.

babayaga posted 12/29/2018 01:19 AM

Has anyone done this - separation and then likely divorce - with kids who are 10-13? OMG. They are a mess. My WH is at his parents and is a total wreck - his therapist told him he has sex addiction which I think it total bs. Itís not in the DSM and seems to me as though it absolves him of responsibility. He made a series of many choices over many years.

My kids just want to know that everything will go back to being the same. But I canít promise them that.
WH and I plan to be together with the kids Monday and tell them we are separating for a while. Of course this is going to give them false hope that it will all settle out.

I would love to hear from others whoíve done this with middle schooler kids.

What they know is their dad did something awful that really hurt me. They want to know if I can forgive him. So now Iím the bad guy if I donít forgive????

I am really hurt and angry that he did this but Iím bloody enraged that he did this to my kids.

Cooley2here posted 12/29/2018 01:56 AM

When/if/until your husband gets himself to a therapist who specializes in SA you will never move forward. I did not believe in SA for a long time but I think it is a real addiction. The problem is separating the cheaters with no conscience to ones who have an addiction. Any addiction starts of slowly but gathers speed until it controls almost all the thoughts and actions of the addict. It then becomes so consuming that it owns the addict.
It sounded like he might be contemplating harming himself. Donít hesitate to get his family involved. They will not like what they hear but he might need intervention.
You canít fix him. If he is diagnosed with SA he has years of therapy in his future. If he is just a garden variety cheater you need to move on. Either way you need IC to help you grieve.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:19 AM, December 29th (Saturday)]

babayaga posted 1/1/2019 02:06 AM

Going home tomorrow with my kids. WH will be ther and weíre going to initiate our separation.

We could either tell them tomorrow or Sunday.

At this point they were with WH last Monday (Dday) - Thursday. He and I switched Thursday and theyíve been with me since. DDay was the first day of our vacation - I left on shock and horror to take a few days, the told him to get out so I could be with the kids.

When we return home we are separating for two months. I will live at home with the kids. Weíve worked out a schedule for childcare that looks a lot like our normal life on weekdays, but he wonít be living in our home and we will alternate weekends.

Question is this - do we tell the kids and initiate separation tomorrow when we arrive. OR do we stay in the same house and tell them Sunday morning? WH would not be sleeping in my room if we chose the Sunday option.

We had planned on telling them tomorrow but now think that it may be better for them to see that things are ok between us for a couple of days and then learn we are separating? Or is this idea me getting sucked back in by WS and not enforcing the boundary I set?
Things are complicated with kids.

I have thought for a long time that WH has BPD. I think that during separation my kids will see that life with me is chill, much calmer, happier than when WH is around.


So if it was just the infidelity I may think that itís obvious to tell the kids Sunday. But Iím worried about being around him for a few days and all the lovebombing and manipulation.
I feel like he is already doing this with the sex addiction thing which I donít even know is really a thing.

windows posted 1/1/2019 04:41 AM

For me it would depend on when do the kids go back to school. They need time to absorb the information. Telling them Sunday and school starting back up Monday can be rough on them.

steadychevy posted 1/1/2019 05:37 AM

I'm no expert and certainly not a child psychologist. I would worry, though, that delaying the telling might establish false hope only to be crashed, again, a couple days later. I think that might create more drama for them and be worse. JMO.

JT4588 posted 1/1/2019 08:17 AM

IMO, get it over with and tell them immediately. No need to hang around him any longer than necessary - it only gives him time to manipulate you into doing what HE wants. This isn't about what HE wants - it's about what YOU want and what is best for YOU and your kids.

I am so sick of every therapist listening to a wayward's crap of what happened and immediately diagnosing them as a SA. I'm not saying sex addiction doesn't exist but I'm of the opinion that diagnosis is over-used.

Tell you sweet children as little as you can about what has happened; just that their dad has really hurt you and it's serious enough that you're not sure if you can forgive him. Don't give them false hope though if you know you're not going to take him back. Be honest with them and then send his ass packing.

If he threatens to kill himself call 911 and let them take him to a hospital where he can get treatment. Don't him use the threat of that to manipulate you. If YOU feel like he will harm you and/or the children you should NOT meet with him. Get an emergency protection order and enforce it!

Freeme posted 1/1/2019 08:19 AM

I'd tell them sooner rather than later. It will give them more time to adjust to the idea and both parents will be around to answer their questions. If you wait until the end, you will be stressed, it will be hard pretending to be one happy family, WH will be love bombing, you will waffle... also you can control what the other parent is saying. So, if you are telling the kids that WH broke a promise ... it doesn't sound like you "just can't forgive him" you can talk about how some promises are very hurtful...

ShutterHappy posted 1/1/2019 09:47 AM

babayaga,

I just want to say that despite the fact that you find yourself in a terrible situation, youíre handling this like a pro.

The advice here is always the same. Get out of infidelity, either through R or D. It looks like you are taking the D route, which seems like a good idea to me. Make a plan and follow it.

Donít forget to cancel joint accounts after you take your 1/2.

My other suggestion is to let his mother take care of him, heís no longer your problem. Focus on you. Let your friends and family help you. You can disclose everything to them, donít be afraid or ashamed.

Stay strong! You have a few hundreds new friends on SI who are rooting for you!

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 9:47 AM, January 1st (Tuesday)]

Deceivedme posted 1/1/2019 12:34 PM

Babayaga, I really admire your strength and courage. I am currently hoping for R with my WH but you inspire me to have the strength for the possibility that things may not work out.

MamaDragon posted 1/2/2019 10:35 AM

tell them sooner rather than later.

They already know something is wrong, just not what and they will worry otherwise.

Once you get a new normal, they will adapt quickly and like you said, they will find it more calm and soothing.

I would also talk to my IC about possibly getting them in with someone to talk too.

You don't have to go into details about what your WH has done, but they will want to know something I would just say that Daddy has done something that has hurt mommy and I need time to recover from that. It might be we get back together or we might divorce but either way, we both love you very much.

1Faith posted 1/2/2019 10:48 AM

babayaga,

Reach out to your counselor for how best to tell the kids in an age appropriate manner.

Sometimes saying, "I don't know or I'm not sure right now" is okay too. You can't/won't have all the answers but reassure them that they are loved and that you will always be there for them.

Don't forget your WH not only manipulates you but likely your kids too.

Define and keep your boundaries for you and for them.

You are doing great even if it feels like you are not. I admire your strength.

Keep moving forward.

(((hugs)))

babayaga posted 1/3/2019 13:02 PM

WH and I told our older kids last night. (our youngest is in preschool and will understand things differently, so we are telling her separately). The advice on here was right - much better to talk to them now than wait until Sunday. Some of the weight has been lifted off, though I still feel miserable. The kids each reacted how I would expect them to, and the telling was less awful than the dread of telling them.

Now I am trying to actually work - keeping my focus is so hard.

I am also having a hard time letting go - letting go of the idea of the marriage and family I thought I could have. The reality of my marriage had been pretty bad for so long (I believe my WH has some sort of PD). But discovering this huge betrayal over essentially our entire marriage really hurts, and realizing that not only isn't my ideal going to happen, but even the good times we had were poisoned by this huge betrayal, it all just hurts a lot.

I feel like I've done all of the right actions - insisting on separating, etc, but I'm still left with all of this pain. 20 years is a very, very long time to be with someone. It's strange how I am missing him, even though my head and heart know that I can't be with him now. I just really miss my old life, even though I don't want it back.

It is hard holding all of these feelings at once. I feel like I need a vacation from real life for a few weeks just to get my head around what has happened. Even that wouldn't be enough time.

1Faith posted 1/4/2019 11:47 AM

I just really miss my old life

^^^ Totally understand.

I don't have any words of wisdom (I wish I did) other than it takes time. And that isn't an answer I know too well.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Take one day at a time and please know you are not alone. We are here. You can and will be okay.

It is so very hard to understand and to reconcile all that has happened. Nothing makes sense and it is sad. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel lost. Allow yourself to feel. Just be.

One day and one step at at time.

(((hugs)))

babayaga posted 1/10/2019 01:15 AM

Got back Sunday after my first weekend of our new alternating-weekends-with-the-kids schedule. Iím home maybe an hour. And the ground floor of our house FLOODS.

The entire level is covered with 1.5-2 inches of water in a matter of an hour or two. Iím thinking, ok, this isnít a real flood - but it is. We had to get the water pumped out, move everything (all 4 kidsí bedrooms and a big living area, utility and storage room, most of the furniture is ruined). Itís foing to be 1-2 months before we can all live there again. We removed the baseboards today - mold. Even though we had dehumidifiers running since as soon as the water was out. So we have to rip ou all the lower parts of the walls to ensure we get it ll and it doesnít spread.

This makes doing a separation really hard. We have to communicate regularly- almost hourly, about the house. WH took January off work post Dday (Dec 24) so he could have time to ďwork through thingsĒ. Meanwhile, I support the family and earn 4x him. Iím a professional with my own practice and canít just quit for a month. (It REALLY pisses me off that he takes of work to deal with a nightmare of his own creation while Iím the innocent party here and am working my butt off to support our family and maintain my professional reputation.)

Anyhow, so heís able to be around to deal with the house - but he is so CLUELESS when it comes to anything building and construction related. I am not. I grew up touring construction sites with my dad as a hobby. Boy am I thankful for that now. Anyhow, he can execute but I have to make all the decisions and give him direction.

Iíd initiated on a two month separation to create time to wrap my head around what is going on. My world shattered less than two weeks before my house flooded.

How am I supposed to set and keep and enjoy the boundaries I established amid this mess?

Iíd insisted that I stay in the house with the kids while he lives out. Now my poor kids have no sanctuary to retreat to. Iím scrambling to find furnished rentals for the month but I know that now more than ever my kids need home. Their room, their stuff.

I saw my IC today, who is great. I really credit her for her role in getting me to the place so when Dday happened I was prepared to meet it with strength, resolve and a clear head. (Lots of emotional and verbal abuse these past several years).

Talking to her I realized that WH is saying a lot of nice things, doing a lot of helpful things, but really behind it all heís only concerned about how this is going to affect him. Heís not concerned about or attuned to my pain. He just wants to know when iIím getting over it so he can have his life back.

Well, F that.

Meanwhile, he often devolves into a sobbing mess. I want to scream at him that he has no right to cry in front of me. I keep it together. I cry alone or with my friends and family. He has no right to lay that at my feet. All the pain and loss he feels - well, I feel it too.
But I had no idea it was coming - I was hurting already from the abuse, but this betrayal blindsided me. And it went on for so long - back even to when things were good with us.
We had a miniDday before this in 2015. (I didnít learn even a fraction of the truth.). I fell apart, he seemed genuinely remorseful, I believed him. He said all the good words. We went to MC.

We were in MC for over a year. It became a ďboth sidesĒ thing. He pointed the finger t me so much, andI worked so hard, so earnestly. Looking back, knowing that heíd been seeing hookers the whole time we were in MC, I really feel like he went beyond lying and was just plain cruel. He knew what he was doing. He saw how hard I was working. And had the gall to say it was all my fault.

So for that, I donít think I can forgive. and now heís saying all the things again to try to make this right. But Iíve heard it all before. Iíve wasted 20 years on him. I donít want to wait around for him to get it together.

Wow, this is a very long post. I just had the hardest thing in my life happen, then a second really hard thing that just complicates the first. Iím struggling to maintain my boundaries and not get sucked in as his support for the pain he caused himself. F that. I need to do me.

[This message edited by babayaga at 1:19 AM, January 10th (Thursday)]

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