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Betrayed - again, devastated

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babayaga posted 12/26/2018 23:31 PM

Hi all, I am brand new here. I've been married 15 years, with my spouse for 20 years total. We have kids ages 4-13.

Three years ago I discovered that WS had been trying to have an affair by contacting and meeting with women, and then also had visited a prostitute at least once. He was contrite, groveled, promised to change, the whole thing. We then went into couples counseling.

So then we were focused on working on our relationship, and I believed him that he'd totally stopped the adultery or attempts at adultery.

After about 3 years of therapy - marriage and individual for me, it became clear that he has some sort of personality disorder. I was delighted that I had finally gotten him to agree to see an individual therapist - I picked one for him who has personality disorders for him. He has gone three times.

To be clear, he's been emotionally abusive, and has often said that he's working hard on the relationship and the problems are all my fault - it has taken me a long time to realize that that's just not true. (He is objectively emotionally abusive, which I have documented for years now because I felt the need to write down what happened - he'd always try to gaslight me into thinking something else the next day.)

This Sunday I discovered that he'd visited a local prostitute website. I then found he'd called their booking line twice. I confronted him Sunday morning, he said he'd only called, only those two times, and nothing happened, and he's done nothing bad since 2015. He was just feeling desperate this past week.

OK, so Sunday night I pulled up our phone records from the past year. And found that he'd called that same number at least 50 times in the 12 month period. And that those dates of calls correspond to cash withdrawals from our bank account.

Monday morning I told him that I'd found him out. He only admitted things incrementally - as he realized that I knew more than he was admitting to. Then he said he never had sex with them - just hand jobs and blow jobs. As though there is really a difference to me!

I am just reeling. When this all happened, we were out of town at his parents' mountain home where we spend a lot of our vacation time. I left immediately, as I knew I needed space to ugly cry a lot and did not want my kids to see me in total distress. I knew the kids were ok with him and his parents.

Now I have told him I want a temporary separation of 8 weeks. He is falling apart now hearing that. He honestly thought that we'd go home together and "work on things" and it would all be fine. I cannot believe that he thought that! Maybe because that's what happened last time? Well, I've done this before and know that all of his promise are empty - even if he thinks he means it now. The whole time we were in couples counseling he was lying and cheating and then making me feel like I was at fault for our relationship troubles.

I am absolutely terrified. I feel so alone. I can't imagine giving up all of the dreams I had for us, for me, for our family. I am at turns so sad, so angry, in disbelief that this is really happening. Luckily, I have a great therapist, but that is only so much. I talk to my sister who's many time zones away with all my other family.

I don't want to share this with the world, but it makes for a very hard time to go through this and keep a secret. I have invested everything in this relationship over the years. To have it yanked out of my fingers in an instant is just, devastating.

kaygem posted 12/27/2018 00:28 AM

I'm so, so sorry to hear this. I can feel the pain in your words. You gave him a chance at R and he blew it. He saw your pain the first time and he chose to hurt you again. He sounds like he probably did not come completely clean the first Dday and he should have had a polygraph. And I'd doubt it was "just" JB's and handjobs this second go round of cheating either. Sounds like he could be a sex addict..

I know that feeling of fear, the broken and shattered dreams, the worries for the children...but try very hard to take care of yourself the best you can right now, you need to do that for not only yourself but your precious babies that need you as well. Sending you hugs and prayers tonight.

Buster123 posted 12/27/2018 05:01 AM

I'm sorry that you're here, your WH is a SERIAL CHEATER and a proven liar, please get tested for STDs immediately, then file for D and save yourself from years of heartbreak and infidelity, he's been exposing you to potentially deadly diseases, stop playing russian roulette with him, he had his chance and he blew it, consult an attorney, file for D and don't look back.

minusone posted 12/27/2018 06:11 AM

All you have to do right now is take care of YOU.

Use the resources of this site and start to read. Go to the Healing Library and the Tactical Primer on the top of this forum.

((babayaga))) I am so sorry that your world just blew up. Just make sure that you eat, stay hydrated, try to sleep and make an appointment to get screened for STDS.... please tell your doctor why... you need a full panel.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs to commit to IC to explore the reasons why he is emotionally abusive and cheats. You can't change him only your reaction to him. There is nothing that you could do to justify his actions. You did nothing to deserve this and he is abusing you by not taking responsibility, and by blame shifting.

You do not have to make any decisions now. Remember that.

One day at a time.

Sending you strength.... please keep reading and keep posting.


annb posted 12/27/2018 06:14 AM

Gently, a separation is going to give him the opportunity to cheat, repeatedly, without trying to live a double life.

Keep an eye on your bank account, and personally I would meet with a couple of attorneys for knowledge.

Take care of yourself as best as you can, your children need you, but please be sure to get tested for STDS asap.

Hugs...

Lalagirl posted 12/27/2018 06:16 AM

First, welcome and huge hugs ((((babayaga))))and I'm so very sorry for your pain.

I am absolutely terrified. I feel so alone. I can't imagine giving up all of the dreams I had for us, for me, for our family.

This is what he has always counted on...rugsweeping. This time, you chose not to do this - you in essence "closed the bakery" - no more cake eating for your serial cheating WS and now he's REGRETFUL (sorry he got caught and is now paying consequences) - don't mistake his "agony" for remorse.

Please get tested for STDs and get a good IC who specializes in trauma from the abuse you have endured. See your regular doctor for something to help you along while you go through this.

If you do decide down the road that there is a chance for R, your WH has a LOT of work to do, one is for him to schedule his own appointment with his own IC, and he will need intensive IC for a very long time. You don't have to make any decisions one way or the other now. It's time for self-care.

During this separation, take care of YOU. You can extend the separation - YOU are calling the shots now. Eat (protein shakes if you can't do solid food), hydrate, exercise, vent here. You're going to go through so many emotions. We're here for you. Others will be along with more detailed advice to help you navigate through this shitstorm.

You're not alone. Look at how many members belong to SI. You're going to be okay.

Hugs...

Lala

Lalagirl posted 12/27/2018 06:17 AM

meet with a couple of attorneys for knowledge.

Ohmygosh, yes...this is very important! It does not mean you have to file for D, but as annb said, knowledge. Knowledge is power.

Decorum posted 12/27/2018 06:37 AM

I am so sorry. This is just devastating.

IslandGirl4418 posted 12/27/2018 06:51 AM

Don't walk away, RUN!!! I know you are raw with pain, devastation and shock and not able to make any decisions yet. Please see an attorney ASAP. It will empower you. Reach out to friends and family for help. I wasn't even able to drive a car for 3 weeks! You are not alone but you are in for a long haul. I wish you the best.

babayaga posted 12/27/2018 09:18 AM

Thanks, everyone.

I barely slept. I woke many times sobbing and shaking.

Separating is so complicated with kids. He is pushing back. Very hard. Over and over.

I established separation as what I need, my boundary. He canít see it. He just feels like it gets in the way of going back to normal and doesnít like that.

Heís willing to do ďanything elseĒ but not what I say I need.

So then I told him to stop asking me to reconsider - a second boundary. Nope - canít respect that one either. Because this is all about HIM. Not about me.

For those who say separating allows him to do as he pleases without even trying to love a double life - honestly, thatís fine with me. He can do what he wants at this point. I have zero interest. F him. At this point Iím wondering if I should just be initiating divorce ASAP but itís Christmas week and hard to get a call with attorneys.

ChamomileTea posted 12/27/2018 09:53 AM

Have you considered taking the kids and going for a prolonged visit to your family? You can talk it over with an attorney, but in most jurisdictions both parents have equal rights until there's a custody agreement in place. It might be inconvenient, but still, you really do sound like you need some emotional support and distance right now.

You said earlier that you 'couldn't imagine giving up the dreams you had for your family'. But the reality is that your dream was never about being emotionally and financially tied to a disordered serial cheater. The guy had to know that another offense would mean the end of the marriage... and he did it anyway. What does that tell you? It should be telling you that he's not fully invested like you are.

I think if it were me, faced with a second offense of my WH engaging prostitutes, I'd divorce him out of hand, and with alacrity. If he ever decides to pull his head out of his hindquarters, you can reevaluate later. But if you don't show him you're a woman of your word and that you won't tolerate disrespect, he'll never stop abusing you. It is, of course, your choice, but I honestly don't see another course which leaves you in control of your own destiny.

I'm sorry. ((hugs))

self-rescuer posted 12/27/2018 12:03 PM

I established separation as what I need, my boundary. He canít see it. He just feels like it gets in the way of going back to normal and doesnít like that.

Normal is gone. You, sweet girl, understand this but he does not.

Your boundaries need to be unshakable. He is panicking because you are holding firm and are no longer willing to be manipulated.

I don't believe I have ever said this before but honestly, I don't think you have anything to work with in this relationship. His disrespect is tremendous.

You are doing really well and have remarkable resolve to insist on separating. Yes, it may allow him to continue cheating however, as you stated, that is secondary. You need to focus with laser like intensity on your needs and regaining clarity as well as formulating a plan of action.

Sweetie - we all understand the terror. I would have cut off my arm to reconcile and the fear of losing my marriage was paralyzing. Until I found my balance and then my true self and then my voice.

Your fear is real but your courage is greater. You are deserving of every good thing. You need to be cherished and loved.

Be brave and know that we are here.

babayaga posted 12/27/2018 13:05 PM

Thank you all for your messages of support. You likely know how much it means to have this group here.

To what some said about my "giving up the dream" of the life and family I wanted. Yes, I am fully aware that I was not living the dream. That the only thing worse then ending this is staying.

But I do find that part of this is shedding my rather (delusional) hope that things would work out in the end. So letting go of that is, right now, really hard. I've held on to it for a long, long time, even when it was not reasonable to do so.

When I first began seeing my IC a year ago (I'd been seeing another who wasn't so helpful for a long time), I came to her actually believing WH's story that the relationship troubles were all my fault, and that he'd done all of the hard work he needed to do, and that I was the one not doing enough work on the relationship. It's only recently that I have understood that simply wasn't true. My sense of reality and right and wrong was so warped by his manipulation.

So now, to have this second discovery of serial infidelity with prostitutes, wow. It really wasn't my fault. He's been doing this the WHOLE TIME.

I am getting through to the other side of this with my integrity intact. I will be a stronger and happier person for it. I'm going to be released from the shackles of trying to make this impossible relationship work. So, in the context of this cr@p marriage, this is rather a sort of gift - I guess it's what I needed to finally just say no.

It still hurts, though. It really really hurts.

And he's on full-court-press with the contrition, saying he's "already a new person", continuing to push back on all of the boundaries I'm trying to establish. So, essentially, he's continuing to prove through his actions that he doesn't get it at all. That's ok, I don't need him to get it. I'm going my own way.

Scheduling more attorney appointments and a visit for an STD panel. Again.

Thanks everyone for listening and writing. It really helps a lot.

FEEL posted 12/27/2018 13:05 PM


I am absolutely terrified. I feel so alone. I can't imagine giving up all of the dreams I had for us, for me, for our family. I am at turns so sad, so angry, in disbelief that this is really happening. Luckily, I have a great therapist, but that is only so much. I talk to my sister who's many time zones away with all my other family.

It's OK to have these feelings. It's a lot to process. A lot has already changed that you've been forced into. Considering further changes can be very scary and just adds onto what's already going on.

I would suggest you pursue talking to a lawyer. At the very least this will help you understand what the D path looks like and the steps you would need to follow.

You don't have to figure everything out all at once. Take the time you need.

I would suggest you follow through with the separation for sure. If you don't this would likely be a sign to him that he can still get away with things. You need to enforce your boundaries. It may or may not make a difference to him and he may use that as a free pass to continue on with crap. Regardless of what he does it's very important you enforce your boundaries for your own well being.

Post here as much as you need to. There is always someone here to listen.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/27/2018 13:23 PM

Babayaga, what a horrible time to deal with this crap. But you are doing the right thing. Fool you once shame on him, fool you twice, you had better head the advice on here and leave. I'd go NC with him except on kids stuff, and money situations. Also, don't feel embarrassed by this all. Its not you, it was all on him. Talking to others will help you.

Joy1984 posted 12/27/2018 15:12 PM

BabaYaga

First, I am so sorry you're going through this, and that you were put in a position to question your own judgment and actions when he was still engaging in those behaviors is infuriating and damaging; the selfishness is just unbelievable.

Second, The risk he put you in, even aside from the betrayal, is astronomical when you're talking upwards of 50 times in 3 years (and more for all you know). I respect everyone's choices when it comes to attempting to reconcile or not, and understand it's never a black and white situation (nor an easy decision), but I'd (very gently) second everyone recommending that you touch base with a divorce attorney, just to arm yourself with that information and to help you feel more in control of an unbearably scary situation.

I am wishing you so much peace on this journey, regardless of which way you decide to go, and am so sorry this is happening.

WhoTheBleep posted 12/27/2018 15:28 PM

he's continuing to prove through his actions that he doesn't get it at all. That's ok, I don't need him to get it. I'm going my own way

My lovely lady, you have already taken a HUGE step in your healing. It took me 2 years of pointless R to reach the conclusion you have already achieved. This was the lightbulb moment I left as well.

One day at a time. You've got this. I'm so sorry he is not worthy of you. Sending hugs.

nekonamida posted 12/27/2018 15:39 PM

And he's on full-court-press with the contrition, saying he's "already a new person", continuing to push back on all of the boundaries I'm trying to establish. So, essentially, he's continuing to prove through his actions that he doesn't get it at all. That's ok, I don't need him to get it. I'm going my own way.

Every single WS I've ever seen say this went on to give their BS another DDay and/or continue to abuse them. Usually within hours to days of their BS backing down from leaving. This is not real. It is a trap.

Someone who is broken enough to see escorts 50 times a year, that's once a week, and to emotionally abuse their spouse, the one they vowed to honor and cherish, will take YEARS of therapy to change. It is impossible for him to snap his fingers and declare himself a new person within minutes. Down right impossible. Don't believe him for one second.

Keep looking for a lawyer. Even if you don't leave right away, arm yourself with that knowledge. Talk about leaving with your IC. Make your escape plan step-by-step and then free yourself from him. You can do this!

babayaga posted 12/27/2018 20:48 PM

Thanks, everyone. Today I:

Now have 3 attorney consults scheduled in the next week

Have contacted my doctor and have orders for full STD tests lined up as soon as I get home.

Switched off with WH - I am now on ďvacationĒ with my kids until Tuesday. I hadnít seen them since Dday this Monday morning. To hold them close - there is nothing else in the world that compares.

Arranged for my sister to come be with me till I return home with the kids.

Confided on a trusted colleague at work (very very trusted - sheís like my second mom and a professional secret keeper) that things are imploding, without sharing details. She took everything off my plate to give me time. And gave me tons of support and love without asking for more details.

Realized that WS is in a very precarious place emotionally and, knowing that I cannot and will not caretaker him through this, activated some support for him.

Told him no calls or texts except as necessary for childcare. He can send his thoughts in emails which I told him I wouldnít read.

The switch off with the kids was brutal - groveling, on the floor sobbing WH. I did not break. I was polite but didnít get sucked in. Really proud of this - this man is my everything for the last half of my life - we were KIDS when we met.

Arranged for a new credit card (arriving tomorrow) and funded new separate bank account at a separate bank.

Realized that he is very very broken (ok, I realized that every day this week). And that I have this. I will be great. My kids will be great.

Today was a great fucking day.

Thanks for helping me get here - your ongoing support is amazing.

Shockedmom posted 12/27/2018 21:43 PM

Nice! You have taken control of your life with gusto.

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