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Wife cheating with co worker

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JoeyP posted 12/21/2018 09:54 AM

It has been 8 days now since I walked in on my wife in the act with her 27 year old co worker in our living room. Needless to say I am devestated. We have been married for 30 years and both are in our early fifties. This has to be the worst week of my life.
She said it only happened one other time and she is so sorry. She said she was lonely because I have been working extra hours and am tired at night. I continued to question her. She admitted it had gone on for a “ couple “ weeks. That turned into several weeks and she ended up admitting it was closer to 3 months. It is really hard to deal with since she deceived me for so long.
Not sure what is going to happen yet. I want to ask her for more details , where, when, how often , what acts , did you use protection etc. But, part of me doesn’t want to know. What if I hear something disturbing that I can’t deal with and it keeps playing over in my mind. Don’t know which way to turn sometimes.
I wish I had not found out the way I did. It is very difficult to have walked in and seen that.
If you have any advice I would like to hear it.

Chaos posted 12/21/2018 10:00 AM

Hi there JoeyP.

Few things:

*Get tested for STDs ASAP
*Consult an attorney [you don't have to make decisions but you do need to know your options]
*If the worker has a spouse/fiance/significant other - tell them immediately

Make sure you take care of yourself. Seriously. Make sure you eat, drink plenty of water, keep yourself up. It sounds so very basic but it is so very important.

You don't have to make any decisions now. You don't have to rush anything. And you reserve the right to change your mind at any moment.

Bigger posted 12/21/2018 10:06 AM

I too walked in on them having sex. In retrospect I’m quite pleased it happened that way. My imagination can do a lot more damage than the reality I saw. Hopefully with time you will reach the same conclusion.

No. Nothing you did or did not do made her have to have an affair.
This needs to be very very clear: “Wife – As long as you think I had any part in your decision to have an affair then there is no need at all for us to try reconciliation.”

No if’s or buts on this issue IMHO. You could be the worst husband in the universe and it wouldn’t justify her decision to cheat. Think this through for a minute: If your actions made her cheat then how can you change your actions to make her not cheat in the future? Like what if you forget the dry-cleaning on the way home – would that justify a BJ for the janitor?

What is their work-relationship? He or she the other’s supervisor? Still working together?

And yes – Chaos is correct. You need STD tests. If she wants to remain married she too should get them. Her response here will tell you a lot.
And definitely research your rights in divorce. Think of it as putting on a seat-belt before you drive. Don’t plan on crashing but if it happens…

Shockedmom posted 12/21/2018 10:10 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this. Expect her to continue with trickle truth (TT). You must insist she gets a STD test ASAP and you need one as well. Her results should be given to you by the medical professional. Find a therapist for yourself, you have suffered a huge trauma. She should have one as well, she needs to figure out why she cheated and brought her AP into your home. It is too soon for marriage counseling.

The Healing Library is located in the yellow highlighted box to the left, use it.

jlg05 posted 12/21/2018 10:11 AM

Chaos is exactly correct.
You wife is still lying to you, and you need to make her understand the consequences of her act.

This is NOT your fault -- this is 100% on her.

JoeyP posted 12/21/2018 10:35 AM

First , I just want to thank all of you for taking the time to share your advice .....It means a lot to me.

They still work together. Work at the same place but different areas. Still would see each other every work day I would guess. Equals at work ...No supervisor - subordinate situation. But certainly not a good environment.

I understand he is married. I am hesitant to contact his wife because I would hate to have anyone have to deal with the pain I am going through.

sewardak posted 12/21/2018 10:38 AM

I'm sorry you're here Joey.
first order of business, tell his wife without letting your WS know. also, your wife needs to quit her job.
those are pretty much non negotiables.
take care of yourself!

[This message edited by sewardak at 10:38 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

layla1234 posted 12/21/2018 10:41 AM

Do not hesitate to contact his wife. She deserves to know.

WilliamM posted 12/21/2018 10:44 AM

Oh, man, I am so sorry that you are going through this. So terrible. And to walk in on it? Your wife is trickle truthing (TT) you. She says only one other to all the way to three months. How long has she known this coworker? Assume that it has been going on maybe a month less than that. So if she's known him for 10 months, then think 9 months affair until it can be proven otherwise. Don't believe anything she says without it being verified. Verify, Verify, Verify. If you can't, don't believe her. She has to quit that job immediately. And you should report it to HR. Find out how to contact his wife and tell her. She deserves to know. Then contact a lawyer. ASAP. Do not take any blame for the affair. ANY. She is to blame 100%.

Marz posted 12/21/2018 10:48 AM

I understand he is married. I am hesitant to contact his wife because I would hate to have anyone have to deal with the pain I am going through.

Not exposing to the other mans wife may just enable this affair further. The other mans wife maybe treated like crap at this time and has no clue what is going on.

Helping hide their affair is the worst thing you can do.

Better wake up quick

Do it without warning. Or your wife will conspire with her other man against you.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:49 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

Chaos posted 12/21/2018 10:49 AM

They still work together?!?!

Not anymore if WW wants any shot of reconciliation.

My previous 2 cents stands:

*Get tested
*Talk to an attorney
*Tell OBS

And take care of yourself.

Marz posted 12/21/2018 10:51 AM

If they have any contact they will probably find a way to continue their affair. Zero contact and exposure to the other mans wife is imperative at this time.

Get strong quickly or you will be played hard.

heartbroken_kk posted 12/21/2018 10:53 AM

There are good sound reasons to tell his wife.

She deserves to know the facts about her husband's behavior so she can make informed decisions about her life. She's married to a cheater, just like you are. He's sleeping around, and maybe your wife is just one of his dalliances. Her health is at risk -- who knows what STDs he may bring home to her. She probably doesn't use protection with him, and he probably doesn't use protection elsewhere either (statistically, most cheaters don't use condoms!)

Cheaters cheat and cheaters lie. She need to know her husband is capable of lying to her face.

Most people here who have learned about their WS cheating through being informed in this way are actually appreciative. Yes it hurts to know the truth but it is far more damaging to be completely unaware of what is going on behind your back.

Don't worry too much about her feelings. She's going to go through a roller coaster too, but this is like cancer. You want to know the tumor exists so you can treat it. Even if it means chemotherapy or surgery.

Find her and tell her.

inthedark99 posted 12/21/2018 10:56 AM

I’m sorry you are here. Please look thru the healing library, read it all, then read it again.
Take care of you right now. Make sure you’re eating, drinking lots of water, get some exercise and take some melatonin for sleeping. Then, work to get yourself out of infidelity by letting the other spouse know. They have a right to know as well. And by doing this, it will begin the process of getting you out of infidelity. That’s the goal.
Check in here often, take what you need, leave the rest.
Remember the goal.

unsure73 posted 12/21/2018 10:57 AM

I think you showed great restraint! That's a horrible thing to walk into and I believe you handled it with grace. Listen to people here, they are brilliant!! Im so sorry that happened.

fareast posted 12/21/2018 11:45 AM

The AP’s W deserves to know she is living a lie. Please tell her as soon as you can.

WorstClubEver posted 12/21/2018 11:50 AM


I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is so painful, I know. I promise it will get better in time, one way or another.

She said it only happened one other time and she is so sorry.

She is almost certainly minimizing. I know you want to believe her, but understand she is panicking and in self-protection mode. "One other time" means she knew you wouldn't believe that you just so happened to catch her in the act the ONLY time she ever did it. So she tagged one other time on, to make it just a little more believable. Be prepared to eventually discover that the truth is much, much, much worse. Many of us waited weeks, months, or years to get the full truth.

This is called Trickle Truth (TT here for short), and your wife needs to know that whatever damage she has already done with her actions, she is going to MULTIPLY it (not just add to it, but multiply it many times) if you have to drag it out of her one slightly-worse-version-than-the-last at a time. Let her know that if she chooses that path, the marriage probably won't be saved.

Please trust your GUT on this. Most BS's have an ongoing, gnawing feeling of not knowing the whole story until the full truth is out. This is based on psycho-physiological sensors that you have, which store and utilize everything you unconsciously know about your wife in truth-telling versus lie-telling mode. These gut "senses" are much more reliable than any lie-detecting "trick." So if you have that feeling of being lied to, or not having the whole truth and nothing but the truth, trust it.

She said she was lonely because I have been working extra hours and am tired at night.

Shut this down right now. People do not have affairs because they are lonely. Have you ever felt lonely in your marriage? Have you ever felt that your W was not meeting all of your needs? Of course you have. You are not a marriage amateur. People are not "driven" to cheat by their spouses actions/inaction, or "problems" in the marriage.

Cheating is of the cheater, by the cheater, and for the cheater. Period.

People do not cheat because they are not getting enough FROM the M. They cheat because they are not giving enough TO the M.

Keep these mantras with you at all times, because your wife needs someone/something to blame in order to make this not her fault, and she will blame-shift like her life depends on it. This IS her fault. She had no right to do it. Do not let her hijack your right to your pain and anger by making any of this about how YOU have failed HER. Make it clear you will. not. stand. for. that.

Not sure what is going to happen yet. I want to ask her for more details , where, when, how often , what acts , did you use protection etc. But, part of me doesn’t want to know.

I know this is so painful. But here is the thing: She did what she did. It's done. You can't make her un-do it by un-telling you about it. Your desire to know is your desire to take back your sense of reality, and your agency--the power to make choices based on fact not fiction. That is why it will not go away.

If you have a question that you feel you need to know the answer to so that you can understand what reality is, that is a question you need to ask. If you feel you have enough of the truth that your reality feels whole and your ability to make adequately-informed decisions is intact, then no more questions are needed. If you aren't sure, give it some time. If the question keeps arising, you need the answer.

I understand he is married. I am hesitant to contact his wife because I would hate to have anyone have to deal with the pain I am going through.

Imagine that it was the other spouse, and not you, who walked in on your W with the OW. Imagine that right now you were going about your business, buying Christmas gifts for your wife, going on with life as usual, not knowing what she had done, and might continue to do, behind your back.

Would you prefer to stay in the dark?

Your wife kept this from you, in HER mind, to "protect" you from the pain you are feeling now. Do you appreciate this "protection"? Or would you rather be treated like an adult, with a right to know what your reality is, so you can face it with dignity?

Please do unto the OBS as you would have done unto you. Please. It is her RIGHT to know.

*edited for typo

[This message edited by WorstClubEver at 11:52 AM, December 21st (Friday)]

blackfin919 posted 12/21/2018 11:52 AM

Sorry to hear about this bro...get yourself tested for STD's and let the dude's wife know ASAP. She deserves to know her husband is a POS cheater. You've seen enough, don't bother asking for more details.

Time to focus on yourself and your personal well being. This is a fucking tough time for you, but you will get through it. Reach out to friends and family. I never did, but sure wish I had. This isn't something you should try and tackle on your own, you have people that love you and will want to be active supporters of you during this difficult time.

And I agree....she has to quit her job pronto...non-negotiable if she wants to R with you.

Peace bro.

LivingWithPain posted 12/21/2018 11:55 AM

I saw my fWW going down on her OM. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm sorry this happened to you.

Tell the OM's wife. She needs to know. As for your WW, she needs to quit her job yesterday and go no contact with this man.

See a psychiatrist or therapist to help you through the trauma of this. And go see a divorce lawyer for a free consult to learn your rights.

k94ever posted 12/21/2018 11:55 AM

Chances are really good the guy's wife knows something is wrong in their relationship but doesn't know what. You won't be causing her any more pain than she is already in.

Tell her. I wish someone would have told me.


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