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Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 10:45 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have 3 children, ages 15, 11, and 8. Three weeks ago was my D day. He told me he was going out with a friend, but needless to say, he wasn’t. The AP is someone he met through a depression support group. They started talking online and it progressed to more. She lives 2 hrs away from us and they started meeting up and the relationship turned physical. He tells me the physical aspect was 3 months in length, but they’ve been talking for about 6 months. My world is turned upside down. The pain I feel is like nothing I’ve ever felt. My heart feels crushed. I never, ever would have thought my husband capable of this. Initially, I asked him to move out, the pain was too intense. He told me he wasn’t sure that he wanted to work on things. That made the pain even more intense.
We decided to not make any decisions till after the holidays, if for no other reason than for our kids. I asked him to stop contacting her. I even texted her, asking her not to contact him. Obviously, that was stupid and only served to upset me further. For the first 2 weeks after d day, he continued to text and call her. I found out they were still friends on Facebook. He deactivated his Facebook, upon my confronting him. After our first counseling appointment, I found out they were still “talking.” I told him that I could not continue with him coantacting her. I Asked him to block her number and delete her contact from his phone. As far as I know, there has been no contact for the past week. Phone records confirm this.
We have since decided to at least attempt reconciliation. He has moved back into the house. I love him and can’t imagine my life without him. But in some ways I feel pathetic and worthless. I have intrusive thoughts regularly, picturing him with her, thinking about the time they shared. I still can’t believe he did this to me and our children. I’m paranoid about his time and phone. My mind constantly wonders if it’s truly over. My heart wants to believe that it is. I know he feels remorse. But he has doubts about whether things can move forward with us.
We are in counseling, both individually and as a couple. We are currently working on a free online class as well, to navigate through this mess.
I’m not sure what to expect from this forum. But mainly, I think I’d like support from others that have been through it. Maybe some advice, or hope. I don’t want negativity, I think plenty of negative thoughts on my own, without the help of others.
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
Heart, let me first tell you that I understand your pain, embarrassment and confusion. Eight years ago I stood shaking while reading a hidden message my wife sent to her former boyfriend. Today, I am happily married to another woman, run a small business, and try to never ever compromise my values and let people to manipulate me.
The fact that you can't imagine your life without him immediately puts you in a very weak and dependent position, you make yourself lost by not looking for alternatives. The real power you gain only when you no longer care about the outcome. When each outcome will be fundamentally okay for you. And the two possible outcomes I know are divorce, which requires efforts but pays off in a relatively short time, or your husband turning into a different person, which is highly unlikely and something you cannot and should not control.
The fact that you say "we" instead of "I", especially when it comes to "we decided" tells me that you don't know when the boundary lies between you and your husband, and you let him make decisions for you while you are living his life and playing his game. I do not very well any literature on infidelity, manipulation and co-dependency, but I would certainly recommend you to read a short Harvard Business Review on the emotional intelligence.
[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 4:58 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010
inthedark99 ( member #66168) posted at 11:01 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
heartinpain,
sorry you’ve found yourself here, in the club no one wants to be in. you will however, find a wealth of knowledge in the healing library. please go there and read. read it all, then read it again.
gently, i would encourage you to make a decision to not make any decisions regarding reconciliation for 3-6 months as you navigate the recovery phase you are currently in.
eat well, stay hydrated and take some melatonin to help with getting some sleep. take care of YOU right now. keep posting here. it is a safe place for you.
edited: used the wrong word!
[This message edited by inthedark99 at 5:02 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 11:15 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
Words,
I appreciate your input. By your response, I assume you believe, “once a cheater, always a cheater”? I guess I would like to believe, that sometimes people make mistakes and do things out of character. I realize that I may be setting myself up for more hurt, but for myself and my heart, I think a true effort from both sides needs to be put forth in order to determine if we can heal and grow stronger as a result.
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 11:19 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
In the dark,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. May I ask why, you suggest 3-6 months? That sounds excruciating to be in limbo, not knowing where your relationship will go.
If both sides are willing, is there hurt in exploring the feelings now? Figuring out why? Neither of us have determined to stay or go permanently, but just to work on ourselves individually, as well as a couple?
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
1Faith ( member #38975) posted at 11:26 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
Heartinpain,
Welcome to the club no one ever wanted to join. Please know this is a safe place, a place where others have been where you are and know the indescribable pain you are feeling.
Please be kind to yourself. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Maddening and heartbreaking but normal.
Nothing makes sense nor will it for some time. Up is down, east is west, yellow is purple and love has suddenly turned to hate. It is the rollercoaster ride from hell.
We are sorry you are here. Very sorry.
Please head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read everything you can. Read others stories posted.
You don't have to decide anything right now, just try and breathe. Just try to focus on a path forward for you.
Please do know that nothing you did or didn't do caused your WH to cheat. It did not. That was/is his choice.
Please seek IC (individual counseling) for just you. You will need help navigating these waters. Reach out to someone in real life and please know this is NOT your secret to keep.
One day at a time. Sending BIG hugs and many prayers.
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:28 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
Sometimes my life feels like a test I didn't study for
wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 11:36 PM on Monday, December 17th, 2018
Heart, my response was not about cheaters, it was about you and your co-dependency, the lack of effort to seek healthier alternatives to your status quo.
As for "once cheater, always cheater", I live among energetic, talented and incredibly driven people who work very hard to improve their character, develop their talents, and accomplish challenging goals. And it takes them years of deliberate practice to accomplish a fundamental change in their behaviour. When it comes to a cheater (a person with broken values, who lacks self-awareness and integrity and takes an easy pass of instant gratification at others expense), I would call it a gambling to expect a cheater to show a fundamental change in his character, especially when he or she lives with an enabling person.
[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 5:43 PM, December 17th (Monday)]
One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 1:56 AM on Tuesday, December 18th, 2018
Heartinpain:
So sorry you find yourself here. It’s good that you are in counseling. Exercise, eat healthy and try to get good sleep, and keep hydrated. Keep up with your hobbies. If the OW is M expose to her OBS. He deserves to know the truth.
Here is the thing that stood out to me. You said your WH met the OW through a depression support group and connected with her online, so it is possible they share a common bond in battling depression. I think this emotional bond makes it harder to R, but it can be done. Is your WH on anti depressants? And how is he handling his depression? It will help you to detach. Please read and implement the 180 to give you space to gain your footing and self respect before deciding what you want to do. Remember, you are the prize and you deserve a H who loves and cherishes you. He should be willing to move heaven and earth to regain your trust. Good luck.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 2:25 AM on Tuesday, December 18th, 2018
It sounds like you are rugsweeping the whole thing and jumped into R way too soon, you can't even know if they're still in contact (very likely), he's broken NC multiple times, watch out for apps like WhatsApp, Instagram, KIK, SnapChat, etc., they won't show in the phone bill. Nothing kills an A like FULL EXPOSURE with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse)if any,and with ALL family and close friends. Consult a D attorney to know your options, demand he signs a post-nup in your favor in case you want to D because of this and/or he cheats again. In case you haven't done it, get tested for STDs.
inthedark99 ( member #66168) posted at 3:15 AM on Tuesday, December 18th, 2018
3-6 months is not a limbo phase. gently, it is time for you to come up for air and have your bearings about you without having to make any decisions while you sort thru what is happening, has happened and to make a plan to move forward to keep you out of infidelity.
keep reading.
Want2BHappyAgain ( member #45088) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, December 18th, 2018
A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)
I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!
From respect comes great love...sassylee
chinaandback ( member #61844) posted at 4:51 AM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2018
Heartinpain, I'm so sorry you are here. I almost felt like I was writing this post, although my XWH had an affair with his coworker. I was desperate to save my marriage and "win." *Desperate - key word. It didn't work. He teetered back and forth, in contact with her every day, while I was hoping he wasn't. When she told him she was pregnant (there never actually was a baby), he left our home and never came back. I wish I knew then what I know now. @want2bhappyagain is right on. The "pick me" dance does not work. He is holding all the power, having you AND OW. You CAN possibly save your marriage, but probably not in the way it's going right now. You deserve ALL of someone, not just a smidgen.
Me: BS 44, him: XWH 45
Married 14 YRS.
After infertility, 1 child, adopted at 10 year anniversary
Divorced
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:28 AM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2018
Unless it is his own idea to end the Affair- it is not over. The cheaters will just find a way to communicate without you knowing.
That is a typical cheater move sorry to say.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 12:56 PM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2018
Heart. Are you still there?
fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 3:14 PM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2018
I am still here. Honestly, i didn’t know how to reply to some of the responses. I don’t consider myself a weak person. I am educated, with a successful, fulfilling job. I am strong willed and opinionated and am not afraid to voice my thoughts. My H and I have been married for 17 years, together for almost 20.
I know people on here have been through this and are only trying to be helpful. But I guess I felt that some of the responses were harsh. Maybe, I’m being too sensitive, but I can’t help the way I feel. And if your first response to that statement is to be critical of me, please don’t respond. At this most vulnerable state, I feel like I need support and hope, not criticism.
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
wordsofwisdom ( member #54083) posted at 3:35 PM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2018
Heart, I know that you found my words harsh, and I am sure you will hear others who will encourage you to reconcile at all costs and whose opinion will support your hope. What I suggest: please print this thread and reread it five years from now, and the odds are high that your understanding of it will be quite different. Good luck.
[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 2:29 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]
One day discovered my wife chasing her old sweetheart. Wished her good luck and moved on to better things and people.
Divorced: Jan 2010
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, December 19th, 2018
Heartinpain:
Sorry you are going through this. As I understand the situation you are currently in limbo status with no decisions to be made until after the holidays. Of course there is always hope for your M if that is what you desire. But it takes two committed people to R. From what you have described your WH is slowly beginning to work toward remorse. He is in IC and as far as you know he is NC with the OW. These are positives. You are in control and you decide if your WH has demonstrated enough remorse by his actions to warrant continuing in the M.
You are the prize. You can always decide to continue the M even if he is not remorseful and wants to rugsweep the entire A, but the people here will tell you of the dangers of doing this.
Be vigilant. Good luck.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
Heartinpain (original poster member #69161) posted at 11:50 AM on Sunday, January 6th, 2019
Six weeks out from d-day #1. And I guess I’m in the midst of d-day #2. I woke up in the middle of the night to discover my husband was not home. He had texted me to say that he had an upset stomach and was running to the store for pepto.
That was 4 hours ago now. I have since texted him, saying I know where he is. He has read them but has chosen not to respond or call me.
The worst part of it all is he let me believe he was remorseful. He let me believe he cared. He let me believe it was over. He let me believe he was trying. Hope is a terrible thing. When someone gives you hope, with no intention of following through, it’s the worst feeling in the world.
I know I have to be strong. But it’s hard when you feel nothing but emptiness. What do I tell my kids? After d-day, I vowed that I wouldn’t come between the relationship between him and our kids, because he was a great dad. But you know what? A great dad doesn’t put his selfish choices above everyone else in his life. So now what?
BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...
pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 12:53 PM on Sunday, January 6th, 2019
Heart, I'm sorry he couldn't be honest with you.
You have a kind nature and forgiveness comes naturally for you. He has free will and can make his own life choices. That doesn't give him the right to abuse you. It all hurts so much. Please keep reading here. I could not do everything that was suggested to me a year ago. My WS kept talking to his OW after I asked him to stop. There have to be consequences or nothing will change.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.
minusone ( member #50175) posted at 12:55 PM on Sunday, January 6th, 2019
Yes.... You will be ok.
Yes..... You will survive.
((HIP)) it is not going to be easy. Please use the resources of this site and start to read. Healing Library and Tactical Primer on the top of this forum. Read all post that have a bullseye... Right now they are on the first and second page of this forum.
Take care of you. Make sure that you eat, stay hydrate, get as much sleep as possible. Get screened for STDS (full panel). Seek counseling.
If he wants to chase the OW that is his choice to make. But it is your choice whether you will stay in a marriage where your husband is cheating on you. You don't have to decide right now. But protect yourself. Make an appointment with an attorney (or two) and know your rights. Start separating your finances. Protect yourself and your kids.
Sometimes it comes to a point when you want to let him know that although you would prefer to work on your marriage that he is free to pursue her, but that you are moving on with your life with or without him. Sometimes you have to lose the marriage in order to save it. But that is your decision....again when you are ready.
Read the 180 and start putting the focus on yourself.
Keep reading and keep posting.
This shit ain't easy. There is no magic cure. There is no quick fix.
"I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better". Maya Angelou
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