SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Just Found Out

beenthereinco posted 1/14/2019 12:21 PM

It could be that he is trying to make himself feel better about what he's done. If he sends you texts and pictures of family and you respond in a friendly way it can make him feel like "See I'm not so bad, we're still friends."

tushnurse posted 1/14/2019 12:56 PM

Why is he doing this? Is he just being nice? Does he want something?

Honestly he probaby doesn't fully understand the impact of what he has done. Just like you have years and years of habits that are difficult to stop, sending texts, random thoughts, pics of the kids doing fun things etc, he doesn't get it.
He is being allowed to have a wife and a girlfriend and while he is just getting used to being out of the house, he really hasn't had to do single dad things yet.

Stick to your guns. Maintain 180 as much as possible. Like others have said if you want to tt him post here. Tap into that anger than he has thrust you into this situation and position. It will give you strength and energy to start moving forward to a life without him.

Heartinpain posted 1/16/2019 10:20 AM

For those of you that were/are separated and are trying to enact the 180...have you had setbacks? Are there days that you take a step back?
My husband and I spoke on the phone last night and got in an argument. I’m trying to be detached and aloof. But it’s so hard with the feelings being so raw. It’s only been 9 days since d-day 2.
He is out of the house, but we have to communicate nearly everyday regarding kids and other mundane things. I’m trying so hard to be strong. Last night I told him that I didn’t want our kids introduced to the OW, and asked if that was part of his plan. He got mad and started yelling at me, saying he didn’t have a plan. He didnt have a house, money....I hung up on him. Afterwards, we were able to talk civilly about plans for kids.
I know he is hurting. He sent me a text yesterday, saying that he was sorry, and that he was a bad person. And our kids deserved a better father. And the kind of person I am, wanted to reach out and soothe him. I don’t know if that’s codependency or what... but I didn’t. I simply asked if he’s planning on continuing IC. Maneuvering this new life is so difficult. Any insight/advice is appreciated.

ChamomileTea posted 1/16/2019 10:43 AM

Last night I told him that I didn’t want our kids introduced to the OW, and asked if that was part of his plan. He got mad and started yelling at me, saying he didn’t have a plan. He didnt have a house, money...

Didn't he move in with the OW when he left? It kind of sounds like he actually does have a plan and you managed to put the kibosh on it. You said, "I don't want the children around the OW" and he responded "I don't have a house (to take the children to) and money (to take them somewhere else). I don't think he's speaking in general terms about having bigger problems, like not having a home or money. I think he was planning on doing his parenting time at the OWs house.

In terms of getting into conflicts with him, just remember that you are no longer obligated to arguing with that guy. That's the one dazzlingly good perk of divorce. You never have to argue with that guy again. You are completely free to hang up that phone, insist on email or text, get a parenting app, refer it to your attorney, or anything else you want. At its heart, conflict is about resolving problems... and you are no longer at any obligation to help him solve his problems.

I know it probably felt messy. But you did just fine. Kudos.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 10:44 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

Stevesn posted 1/16/2019 10:59 AM

Don’t worry about setbacks. There will be many. None of us are pros at handling infidelity.

You are doing great. Have you found anyone in your life to confide in. I don’t want you to feel so alone.

And how is the parenting plan coming. He needs to see what it will be like parenting on his own and also you deserve time by yourself so you can work on healing.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:59 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

Heartinpain posted 1/16/2019 11:44 AM

Chamomile, he is living with his sister right now. OW lives 2.5 hours away. His job is here, his kids are here. So it would be impractical to move in with her.

Stevesn, I have a few friends that I can confide in. A few that have been through this. But honestly, no matter how many friends I have, I still feel somewhat alone. I suppose that’s normal after 17 years of marriage.
Parenting plan is a work in progress. He has nowhere to take kids so, I’m going to allow him to stay at the house on his days to parent. I will stay at a friend’s. I feel like that is what’s easiest and least traumatic for my kids. This weekend he promised to dog sit for a friend, asked kids to stay with him and they don’t want to. So I guess we’re going to try next weekend.

Stevesn posted 1/16/2019 11:56 AM

Heart

Ok, please lean on those friends when you need to. You would be there to support them. Don’t be thinking they won’t do the same for you.

Honestly just work on you and your kids happiness for now. As long as he’s doing his share of parenting to a level you can live with, same for fianances, then try and limit the interactions.

At some point you will have to decide when the time is right for you to file for D. Only you know that.

Heart, you don’t know what the future holds. We’ve seen on SI complete reversals when a WS finally realizes what’s important to him or her and does everything in their power to repair the damage they have caused.

Of course this is unlikely but you never know. Obviously to fix things he’d have so much more work to do now after DDay2 than he would have if he just made that commitment from the getgo after DDay1.

Unfortunately you cannot control any of that. You are doing a great job in controlling you.

We feel for you Heart. Hang In there. Love your kids a lot and try and enjoy your time with them.

One way or another things will eventually get better. I know it’s a long road but there are still good times ahead for you. I’m sure of it.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 11:58 AM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

josiep posted 1/16/2019 12:48 PM

Heart, you do not have any obligation to him whatsoever. He left you for another woman. That means you owe him nothing. Not respect. Not kindness. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch. He should not be coming to the family home without your permission. He made a choice so it's your house now and you get to decide who comes in. I don't think you should allow him in. It's confusing to the kids and it lets him have his cake and eat it, too. He made a decision, let him live with it and let him figure out the logistics. You don't have to be nice to him in any way. Not saying to be mean but you're under no obligation to be nice.

You also are not obligated to talk to him about the kids unless it's an emergency. Draw up a weekly schedule on a shared Google calendar page and he gets them from X PM to Y PM on such a day, etc. Put their sports and activities on it and place a * next to the ones you'll attend and he can put a # next the ones he going to attend and/or drive them. And then stick to it. No changes. Make life easier on yourself. The kids will adjust. And it doesn't have to be that strict forever, just until you've had a chance to heal.

You see, that's what everyone was been trying to tell you early on. Do the 180. You don't have to talk to him about stuff. Most of it can go through email. Or set up a shared Google sheet where you can both jot down things that need to be taken care of and ask questions, etc. Then you can check it once a day when you're in the mood.

Block him on your phone and on Facebook. Set up a free Google number that he can text you when he has the kids only in case of emergency or changed plans. Make it clear that that's the only thing it's to be used for. Other than that, he has no business contacting you except by email or on the shared Google page. Demand your space. Demand your right to spend your time as you wish and not be at his beck and call.

Early on, you sort of felt someone was insulting you a bit but what they were trying to point out (and we realize you were and still are in pain and this crap takes a long time to wrap our brains around and then an even longer time to heal) is you are not required to make his or your kids' lives go on as before. You must take care of you. You must read and implement the 180. I don't say this as an insult at all but you sound like me, the capable, smart one who everyone goes to with their problems and whose subconscious mind has forgotten that she doesn't HAVE to do anything for anyone and who just keeps taking on more and more. And the worst part about it? When you treat yourself as unimportant and inconsequential, so will other people. I saw it as me being nice and doing favors but they took as me not being important. Guess how that worked out?

So back to my point (sorry, I can really get carried away with some of this stuff): you haven't even begun to heal yet. Your brain is still processing what happened and you just have to give it time. But during that time, the best thing you can do for yourself is to eliminate him from your presence cuz once you do that, you can start eliminating him from your mind and once you do that, you'll be gold again. But you have to do it just like every other one of us, in order, slow, infuriating, steps forward and steps back and voila! one day you wake up whole again.

I don't mean to sound trite, my goal is to encourage you to do what I didn't: the 180.

It should be your best friend for the next 4-6 months.

josiep posted 1/16/2019 12:57 PM

Oh, and I meant to comment on him introducing the kids to the OW. I think maybe it would work out better for you to let go of that one. She's not going to hurt them so you really don't have a reason to prevent their introduction and by staying out of it, you have one less thing to stress about.

Because I can tell you right now, I feel it in my bones that they are not going to like her at all. Not even an eensy teensy little bit. So my logic is, the sooner that crap hits the fan, the sooner you get to do the "Thank you, Karma" dance.

Besides, they won't like riding 2 hours each way. And, if he takes them for a weekend, you can play for 2 whole days. Or sleep. Or cry. Or whatever you want to do. The point is, you'd have some time to yourself and that would be a wonderful gift to give yourself.

Take care, you'll get through this and although this is the club none of us wanted to join, I'm so very glad to have met these people and I'm glad you've joined us.

ChamomileTea posted 1/16/2019 15:01 PM

I have to agree with Josiep. You're important too. And while some divorced couples do opt for this nesting method for awhile, this is fresh on the heels of your WH leaving you and his family so he can carry on with another woman. It's above and beyond what's required of parenthood to make that easier and more palatable for him.

The kids have to make the adjustment whether you're nesting or not. Their family dynamic is truly changed. That's the new normal. I don't think it's possible to shield them from it. Allowing your WH to invade your safe haven doesn't alter that reality.

paboy posted 1/16/2019 15:11 PM

Keeping in contact with him unfortunately is pain shopping. The 180 truly helps maintain a distance so that your emotions can settle. Perhaps only corresponding, and then only about the children, through emails, can be something you may also want to consider.

Set some steps for you to work through while moving forward may also be something to do. This will indicate to you your progress. A goal for when you want to have your finances in order. When you want the legals organized. Medication ended. House reorganized. etc.

Currently because of your stress, your body is acting on a flight/fight mode. Consequently its happy to operate on an empty stomach. That is good short term, but you need to now keep your self nourished. Vitamins, vege's, protein bars/shakes but no quick junk forward.

And exercise. Look to do something around the home if all else fails but a gym has the benefit of other company/environment. You could consider it a way of treating yourself.

ShutterHappy posted 1/16/2019 15:38 PM

For those of you that were/are separated and are trying to enact the 180...have you had setbacks? Are there days that you take a step back?
My husband and I spoke on the phone last night and got in an argument. I’m trying to be detached and aloof. But it’s so hard with the feelings being so raw. It’s only been 9 days since d-day 2.

“Doctor, I broke my foot, the bone is sticking out, it’s been 9 minutes, and I can’t walk and it still hurt!”

Give yourself some time Be kind to yourself. You are not a robot, you can’t detach with a flip of a button. There will be relapses, it’s normal.

Stay the course, you will get there.

Like other smart and experienced posters have said, srround yourself with friends and family. If this had happened to your best friend, what would you have done hmmm? Well let others help you.

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 3:40 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

Heartinpain posted 1/18/2019 02:42 AM

Is it possible that I’m married to the most selfish person on the face of the planet?
It has been 2 weeks since d-day 2. He has been sending me texts indicating that he feels a lot of guilt and remorse for what he’s done. For the most part, I have ignored him.
We had to talk last night regarding a health issue our son has been having. And we started talking about more. He’s in a deep depression. He misses seeing his kids and knows hat everyone he loves has labeled him a cheater...hm I wonder why? He told me he knows the OW won’t make him happy and that he knows he willl break it off with her eventually.
But in the same breath, he said he won’t break it off now. And the only reason he can give me? Because he doesn’t want to...WTF.
I know I deserve better than this. I deserve someone that chooses me, always and without hesitation. My brain knows this; now I have to convince my heart.

Heartinpain posted 1/18/2019 02:43 AM

[This message edited by Heartinpain at 5:21 AM, January 18th (Friday)]

ChamomileTea posted 1/18/2019 07:05 AM

Hasn't this guy lost the right to talk to you about his personal problems? Think about it, you don't tolerate people coming up to you in the grocery store and unloading about their depression and angst. He wanted to be a stranger in your life, didn't he? Isn't that what walking out on your wife amounts to?

Did you ever watch that show The Dog Whisperer? A point made by dog trainer, Ceasar Millan has always stuck with me... When a dog is misbehaving, we shouldn't give him attention at all, but rather ignore him until he behaves in a way we can approve. What we're telling him is that he's not a good enough dog for us to acknowledge. We're on a higher social strata than he is. He has to think about what we want from him so we'll deign to notice him. We don't reward his poor manners. We reward him when he approaches us with the calmness and respect we demand.

Your WH gets a kibble every time you notice him. He approaches you as a misbehaving dog, but still gets your notice. He's still central, still in your social strata, still important enough to command your attention.

I know it probably feels like you need to talk to him. But every time you do, he gets his kibble and leaves you feeling abused. Real remorse requires real empathy. And if he had any, his actions would match his words. His actions right now are to continue having an affair while he whines about how "guilty" he feels.

Hang in there. We all know how hard it is put up new boundaries with someone we once trusted implicitly. It's so much easier said than done. Just remember that YOU are the alpha leader of your pack now. He's just a miscreant who's currently unworthy of your attention.

((hugs))

pearlamici posted 1/18/2019 09:21 AM

Besides having to communicate with him about your children ....

I deserve someone that chooses me, always and without hesitation.

Heartinpain posted 1/18/2019 11:24 AM

You both are right. I guess I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I’m afraid and heartbroken. It’s just a struggle to get out of bed, after another sleepless night.
I just can’t fathom how the man I’ve spent the last 20 years with can look me in the eye and cause this pain. I don’t know him anymore. I’m desperately trying to harden my heart against him, and failing miserably. I feel like the pain will never cease. Hopeless, that’s the best word to describe it.

trustedg posted 1/18/2019 11:45 AM

I disagree with letting the kids be around OW. You don't know her or her situation and it sounds like he doesn't think it will last. Why put the kids through it?

I think you have handled this incredibly well. Stay strong, his problems are not your problems. He didn't make a mistake, he made bad choices over and over again. He chose to hurt his family.

Plow forward with divorce, protect you and your children.

tushnurse posted 1/18/2019 17:32 PM

(((HIP)))
YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE AMAZING. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM.

It takes practice to get good at 180. So every time you fail at it brush yourself off and remember you are breaking 2 decades of habits. This man was your go to person to discuss everything and anything. It's hard to identify when he is roping you in.
But learn a few key phrases repeat them to yourself prior to interacting with him and then have them at the ready when he starts making it about him.

Now please promise me that you will call your Dr. On Monday and ask for something to help you sleep. Without good solid sleep you cannot make sound decisions and stay strong.
You dont need to take it daily but a solid nights sleep every few days will do you a world of good.
Oh and don't waffle on the parenting plan. Make a schedule and stick to it. If he fails to live up to his side then document it. For example if he said no to this weekend as a whole he should at least take them for a day.
You have to demand the respect you deserve.

(((And strength))))

The1stWife posted 1/18/2019 20:26 PM

You are doing an amazing job asserting yourself and standing up to him and protecting your kids.

The kids should not meet the OW. Or any other woman he is involved with nowvir in the future. They should not be involved with his revolving door of women and “relationships”.

Ignore all communication that does not concern money or kids. It sets a boundary and a tone that you are not his “friend” or his back up plan.

And lastly he was st least honest that he doesn’t want to end the Affair. You know exactly where you stand right now.

It is hard to believe he doesn’t get the damage he has caused.

So sorry for you.