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Help from others...

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Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 18:17 PM

Thank you for all of the support. The pain is immeasurable. I truly donít understand how someone is capable of inflicting this pain on another human being, let alone one they claim to love. I threw him out. As far as I know, he has nowhere to go because his parents said he couldnít stay there. AP lives 2 hrs from work, so thatís impractical. But you know what, I donít care. Not my problem....

In response to you all, I am in IC already. I called a lawyer and left a message, with the intentions of meeting ASAP. My parents have come to stay for a few days, to help me through the beginning stages of this bullsh*t that will be my life from now until who knows when. I will keep posting when I can.

layla1234 posted 1/6/2019 18:48 PM

Glad you have some support. Good luck with the lawyer meeting and keep us updated when you can.

Ginny posted 1/6/2019 21:13 PM

You are going to get through this. It will be s#!++y for a long while but then you will get to the otherside where you realize YOU can hold your head high. YOU didnít tromp all over your wedding vows. YOU didnít hurt those you professed to love.

YOU are a strong woman. You have hope. You have a future. You WILL get to the other side. It is going to be ok. Hang in there.

GrayShades posted 1/6/2019 22:33 PM

You've gotten some great advice here, and I'm so relieved to hear that you've got good support in real life as well. My heart aches for you and for your children. Please know that there are many of us holding you all in our thoughts.

kaygem posted 1/7/2019 00:36 AM

Heart, he will NEVER be happy. They will have a crappy life together and you will go on to be a strong, confident and HAPPY person again someday! You will! He is an absolute, complete and total loser. To leave his family for a horrible person like himself...he will eat dust for this. There will be no peace for him, while YOU on the other hand will thrive and grow and find true happiness again someday. Send you hugs and prayers tonite.

Stevesn posted 1/7/2019 07:23 AM

Hi Heart

Iím glad you brought your parents in to be with you.

And the stand you finally took (as described in your other thread) is the exact position you need to take with him. You cannot control him. But you can co trip what you do.

You have seen he is not thinking of you and your family right now. He is taking actions that show that she is more important than anything else.

So read THE 180 in the healing library here at this site. And focus only on what you and the kids need for right now.

He has a long road if he is ever going to help you heal, rebuild trust and repair the damage he has done. He hasnít even taken 1 step down that path yet.

You said you are the healer among your social circle. Itís time to let your friends and family help you.

You absolutely would do the same for them if they were under the same pressure. Let them in. Let them help. Let them be people you can lean on right now. They owe it to you.

Butforthegrace posted 1/7/2019 08:12 AM

Heartinpain:

I'm sorry you're going through this. Some of the responses here may seem harsh, but our goal here is to help betrayed spouses get out of infidelity. There are only 2 possible paths: R or D. If your WH is still in contact with the AP and unrepentant, then R is not possible. At all.

I suggest you go to The Healing Library (yellow box, top left of this page) and read about The 180. This is not a gambit to punish your WH nor make him take some particular action. Rather, it is a way to give yourself some emotional space so you can find your heart's truth.

I suggest you implement what some here call a "hard 180." In the meantime, hydrate often, eat healthy, eschew alcohol, and try to exercise as much as you can. It will help you sleep.


Heartinpain posted 1/7/2019 11:53 AM

I really donít understand how anyone is able to do anything in the aftermath of this. This pain I feel is all absorbing. I just want to withdraw from the world and lay in bed.
I got up and went to work today. But Iíve been on the verge of tears all day.
Part of me loves him and wants desperately to reconcile. But the logical part of me knows that that is not a possibility, at least now. I also hate him for what heís done to me and our family. I really donít know how someone can knowingly inflict this pain on someone. Especially someone they claim to love. I canít wrap my head around it. I just wish the nightmare would end. I know Iím feeling sorry for myself, but I guess thatís just where Iím at right now.

1Faith posted 1/7/2019 12:59 PM

Everything you are feeling is completely normal and understandable.

You have been traumatized and your body and mind are in shock and hurting. Be kind to yourself. Feel what you need to feel.

You are trying to make sense of the "why" and sadly only he can answer that.

Lean on others here and in real life.

We are so sorry that he's done this to you and your family.

(((hugs and prayers)))

onthefence123 posted 1/7/2019 20:33 PM

(((Heartinpain))) The feeling of not wanting to get out of bed is completely understandable and expected. I did not want to go to work and when I happened to make it, I just stared at the computer screen. I eventually had to discuss it with my boss, but did not provide full disclosure, I shared that I had personal matters.

I did not eat, could not function as a mother, as a boss, as a homemaker, as anything. My parents were extremely worried about me and my dad cried with me. It is terrible, it is depressing, it is the worst thing to ever go through. What you feel is expected after such trauma.

I am now about 7 months out, I feel better and have finally been able to get back into the swing of things, feeling more like myself. I have an IC and was on antidepressants for awhile. Be sure to take care of yourself.

Most importantly, remember that none of this, NONE of this, is your fault.

Tallgirl posted 1/7/2019 21:24 PM

(((HeartinPain))) I am so sorry you are going through this. Your pain is heard. You are not alone. And in no way is this your fault.

I am 7 months out from Dday2 for a 5 year A and yes while I am often a disaster and the pain is all encompassing. sometimes I surprise myself by having fun with friends or laugh at something silly. Exercising has been a huge help in managing my stress.

As often as you can be kind to yourself. You deserve kindness.

Big hug.

BluesPower posted 1/8/2019 08:43 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:03 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

Heartinpain posted 1/8/2019 16:19 PM

Update: I kicked him out on Sunday, when he returned from his overnight tryst, Saturday-Sunday morning. He said he doesnít know what he wants and I told him that he is not welcome at home. I also told him that he needed to be up front with our children. He told them that daddy has decided that he no longer wants to be married because heís been seeing another girl. My 15 yr old knew before, because he overheard the original d-day altercation. Not sure how much my 11 and 8 yr olds understand. All kids have seen a counselor. I attended counseling on Monday and saw a lawyer today. Trying to get all of my ducks in a row. Iím not ready to make any decisions, and I have resisted the urge to reach out to him for anything other than communication about the kids. Overall, considering how I feel, like a directionless emotional mess, I think Iím doing ok.

Happenedtome2 posted 1/8/2019 17:05 PM

You are doing GREAT. Keep it up. Focus on your kids and yourself. Get out of the house with the kids even if it means just going for a walk so you aren't staring at the same 4 walls.

If you have a joint bank account take money out and set it aside where he cannot get to it. You are going to need it.

As for him not knowing what he wants well... he made a choice and now he will have to live with the consequences.

We are ALL pulling for you and your kids.

Shockedmom posted 1/8/2019 18:36 PM

Way to be strong for yourself and your children. You deserve so much better than a man incapable of choosing his family.

Tallgirl posted 1/8/2019 20:47 PM

Sorry this is happening to you. Your WS is being an asshat. Keep strong and do what is best for you and you kids. You are doing great.

MsMittens posted 1/9/2019 04:08 AM

Hugs Heartinpain. Sorry you are going through this.

I have been left for AP/OW exactly a month and a day ago. Completely out of the blue. I never knew she existed.
It was like - look, I have found someone else, and I am with her now... (Meaning, already for a while, behind my back.)
And at this wonderful note the STBXH left to spend his first weekend with the AP.
I mean, literally. Said no more, hopped in the car and left.
That was the night I found this forum.

Trouble is, he returned. Not to me, no; the commute to work is easier from his own house, you see...

In-house separation followed. I cannot leave or kick him out - my story is complicated by outer factors (it is available in full here). But this is beside the point. What I was going to say:

I know exactly what it's like - having your love killed in a very painful way. But mine was not ready to die, oh no. Even though there was no prospect of reconciliation from the start, I still struggled.

However, yesterday I was successfully cured of my love for STBX.

How would you like this... He sees no problem bringing his mistress (technically, she is a mistress) to the house OVERNIGHT - because they have to catch a ferry very early in the morning...
I mean, bringing her in to spend a night - WHILE I AM HERE AS WELL.

After that, I have no doubt about the level of "care" he possesses.

Also, when people are scared, sometimes they show an ugly side to them. STBX got wary of me screwing him over financially in the process of divorce. And threatened to... leave his job, so that I do not get 1/2 or 1/3 or whatever of his income.
)))
Gosh I never knew I was married to a fool...

What I do like, is his utter legal illiteracy. (I hope very much he remains this way.)

So yes - you can be cured of love. Sometimes it just takes a thing or two demonstrated by WH...

Hang in there. You will get yourself back. ((()))

Heartinpain posted 1/9/2019 05:14 AM

After all of my good progress, I had a moment of weakness and called him. I donít feel good about that. He talked about how bad our marriage has been for so long. While I know that we havenít been as close in the last few years, I didnít think things were terrible. life has happened. Three kids and job issues, sick parents, best friend committed suicide....so much stress. But itís like he canít recognize that. Almost as if he has convinced himself that it was the worst marriage ever and thereís no turning back. Maybe that makes him feel better about what heís doing. I guess the one good part of the conversation was he asked if I wanted to talk face to face about stuff and I told him no. I told him the feelings were too raw and that we needed separation right now. I wish I could just shut off my feelings. This is torture.

MsMittens posted 1/9/2019 05:42 AM

Almost as if he has convinced himself that it was the worst marriage ever and thereís no turning back. Maybe that makes him feel better about what heís doing.

THIS ^^^^
Absolutely.

I mean, HE CHOSE to convince himself, to justify himself. Period.
It has nothing to do with you.

[This message edited by MsMittens at 7:42 AM, January 9th (Wednesday)]

BluesPower posted 1/9/2019 06:01 AM

After all of my good progress, I had a moment of weakness and called him. I donít feel good about that. He talked about how bad our marriage has been for so long. While I know that we havenít been as close in the last few years, I didnít think things were terrible. life has happened. Three kids and job issues, sick parents, best friend committed suicide....so much stress. But itís like he canít recognize that. Almost as if he has convinced himself that it was the worst marriage ever and thereís no turning back. Maybe that makes him feel better about what heís doing. I guess the one good part of the conversation was he asked if I wanted to talk face to face about stuff and I told him no. I told him the feelings were too raw and that we needed separation right now. I wish I could just shut off my feelings. This is torture.

This right here is called rewriting marital history.

They all do it, and your are right it is to make them feel better about themselves.

Maybe you guys did have problems, maybe the sex was a little boring or not frequent enough, or you argued too much... But guess what, you did not decide to cheat. He did.

He had other choices, and he made the worst one.

Don't believe this crap, this is his doing not yours.

[This message edited by BluesPower at 1:21 PM, January 10th (Thursday)]

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