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Help from others...

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Stevesn posted 2/11/2019 14:17 PM

Heart. Thought Iíd check in on you and see how you are doing.

Just remember, take care of yourself first.

I dont trust him one bit. Remember he ran out on you to her in the middle of the night. He is in no Condition to make real promises to you.

He is still not a candidate for R no matter what he has done so far. Sounds more like you have hand held him thru it.

Until he can actually stand up, make proclamations that he realizes what a shit heís been and that the OW is a scum, and then proactively put together a real plan to repair what heís destroyed, donít trust that heís all in with you.

I recommend staying on a path toward D. Still meet with lawyers and get a plan to separate. It will take a long time with a lot of work to become a man who is a safe partner to you again. It would really be best to keep moving toward D until he fully proves himself.

Iím sorry that this is harsh but you are our priority, not him.

annanew posted 2/12/2019 09:18 AM

Once heís stable, I think you should give serious thought to the dynamic that is being set up here, and your future.

Depression can certainly be related to your WH blowing his life up with an affair. It could even be seen as a form of suicide, to destroy his reaIity with you and the kids. After he blew his life up he wanted it back and he knew a pseudo suicide attempt was an easy way to have all forgiven and to return home. It was his back button to undo everything. Part 1 and part 2, neither one is healthy and both are abusive to you. The second is abusive because he played upon suicide being a very sensitive issue for you, he took advantage of your good character (he knew you would do the right thing), and now you feel responsible for keeping him alive. Thatís a pretty crappy thing to do to someone. Suicide would have been crappier, yes.

But what kind of future does this mean for you? To me, it seems like you now have a 4th kid, instead of a partner.

I have no argument with anything youíve done, I would have done the same. Taking him in was the only thing you could do at the time. But please remember you have choices going forward. Depression doesnít go away, and his coping mechanisms are very, very, very broken.

Heartinpain posted 2/12/2019 10:26 AM

I completely understand where you guys are coming from. Honestly, I really feel torn. Everyday is a torrent of emotion: sadness, anger, anxiety, hopefulness, love, fear,etc. you name it, I feel it. Sometimes in a very short time period. D day 2 is never far from my mind, however my H seems different. He realizes the A and the OW were unhealthy, and his attitude toward me is one of remorse and realization. I do know that I canít really proceed with divorce at this moment in time. My H is recovering from a major depressive episode. I donít want to disrupt that recovery. And I know that itís not my responsibility to heal him, but I cannot and will not do that right now. I know myself well enough to know that if he were to do something drastic in response, I would never forgive myself, regardless of whether it was the right thing to do or not.
I have spoken to my therapist at length regarding my feelings and whether R should be on the table or not. She thinks that I need to give the medication a few weeks to take effect before we tackle any marriage issues. We both need time to work on ourselves and get stronger. I am trying to do things that make me happy, and really concentrate on my own contentment.

Stevesn posted 2/12/2019 10:38 AM

I am trying to do things that make me happy, and really concentrate on my own contentment.

Ok thatís good. And I understand what you are saying about letting the medication take effect.

I just want to make sure you know that if you are doing all or most of the work for R, then you are not actually working on R at all.

This must be led by him, if and when he is ready to, and not you. If itís led by you then the chances of false R are greater and unfortunately so are the chances of another DDay.

We care about you. So yes yes yes, focus on you and your own healing without focusing on R right now.

Strength to you.

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