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Help from others...

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Heartinpain posted 1/21/2019 11:57 AM

Iím having a really bad day. We had a major snowstorm and Iíve been cooped up in the house for a couple of days....with my thoughts. I have never been a person that has dealt well with conflict or negative situations. I always tendt to dwell on them, even obsess sometimes.
I just feel so sad, so helpless. I donít understand why, and I know I probably never will. I donít understand how my WH can look me in the face and say he wants to continue this affair, when he knows she wonít bring him happiness, nor will it last. I feel less than and dejected. How can he throw our time away, like it means nothing to him? Our kids, everything...
Everywhere I turn, Iím reminded of him. A song on the radio, a picture, food. It doesnít matter 20 years together and everything has a memory attached. How do I navigate this pain? I hate him for doing this to me and our family, but yetI so desperately love him. Everyone tells me the pain gets easier, but I feel worse today and I just donít see an end.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/21/2019 12:40 PM

Heartinpain, I went through an extremely, over the top difficult time with my WH and in that time, my mom passed away from cancer and I was in charge of the trust and emptying the house of almost 60 years of stuff and dealing with difficult family members. In this time period, two of my brothers passed away from alcoholism, my dog died of cancer, my husband was divorcing me because of his indiscretions and I also was moving out of my house with virtually no help. There were days when I was in complete fear and panic attacks and couldn't rise out of bed because I couldn't hold myself up. I came to the point I went no contact with my WH and I was done with his rediculous behavior. There were times that I was so overwhelmed with fear. We get where you are at!

Then a calm came over me and I began to gain inner strength and I started to become determined to get the job done and to move forward with my future and actually began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I began to see hope and clarity and there was a time I saw no future with my WH as long as he was being the asshole that he was. There is more to this story but I will stop here for now.

I, like you was weak and didn't believe in myself. So much has changed in my life since those dark days. I actually like who I am today.

You have help here. Lean on us. Lean on those who care about you. Gather strength from the one's that love you and care about your welfare. Get rid of the toxic people from your life, your husband and anyone else who is bringing you down.

I promise you that there is a light waiting for you at the other side of this darkness. Push for that light. It is there. Get up out of bed, take a shower, do little things. Your kids need you. Oh yeah, I forgot that my son had also moved out during this time period. That too was devastating. But I got through everything that was dished out to me and I am so much stronger in my today. I hate to admit this but I don't like what I went through but through this darkness, I don't put up with or allow mistreatment from others anymore. You really need to stop allowing your WH to mistreat you. It is old. You need to nip this in the bud. Like others have said, go NO CONTACT. He is treating you like sh**. Quit allowing it. It's one baby step at a time. You can do it. We did! So can you!

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 12:46 PM, January 21st (Monday)]

Stevesn posted 1/21/2019 13:30 PM

While it may not help today while the roads are bad, the next time he has the kids overnight, Itís ok to do something for yourself.

Perhaps sign up for some hobby classes that youíve been thinking about. Itís a great way to meet people. You donít have to be oooking for romantic interests, itís obviously to soon for that, but just start doing things that eventually (slowly) will start widening your circle of friends.

There are so many fascinating people out there. Start meeting and learning about their lives. Who they are. What they do.

Classes (music, language, art, whatever...), Volunteering (children, senior or animal charities are all great), go back to night school for a degree in something different (way way part time), or attend common interest meetings found on meetup (language, political, travel, etc...).

Do it for you Heartinpain. Life is what happens when you are doing other things. Start slow and get yourself out there.

To hell with your WH. Screw him. Your gonna get on with your life.....

Heartinpain posted 1/21/2019 18:00 PM

Wow. I canít imagine dealing with all of those things while in this immense pain. You must be an incredibly strong woman. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I hope I see that light soon. Because right now, I feel like this darkness is entirely enveloping me. Your story is inspiring. Honestly itís people like you that give me hope. If you can recover and be happy, I think anyone can.
Other than kid communication, we are NC. Hopefully, that will help.

Youíre right, I need to get out. Do people feel like they just donít want to be around people? I live in a small town and Iím a teacher. Every where I go, I see people I know. I donít want to face them. I donít want questions as to where my H is?
This coming weekend he is taking the kids. Iím going to try to get out. At least a trip to the gym.

Heartinpain posted 1/22/2019 14:16 PM

Please, I really need advice. I know to others this wonít seem like a big deal, but Iím triggered. My WH posted pictures of him and my daughters in Facebook. OW loved and commented on them. This makes me so upset. Do I just ignore? Do I say something to my WH? Do I I confront her? Please, help me. I want so badly to react, but Iím not sure.

CometGirl posted 1/22/2019 14:43 PM

Wow! This is tough! I would so want to comment on her comment and say ďyes, they are adorable arenít they? The picture however doesnít show their broken hearts from their family being ripped apart from their fatherís affair with you.Ē

Iím sure youíre infuriated...and taking the high road is always good, but her commenting is despicable. I have no advice other than to wait for others to chime in. Good luck!

Deserta posted 1/22/2019 15:07 PM

You're already employing the 180 in order to remove him from your life so why not detach completely by dropping him from facebook. He provides you with nothing at this point but pain so I would suggest you eliminate any contact with him that isn't absolutely necessary. Move into your new life with vigor and strength. We all know he is going to be miserable in the future. Don't let him pull you into that misery.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/22/2019 19:13 PM

I agree, unfriend your WH from fb and any other social media where you may be triggered. Make your statement that you are done with his horrible behavior.

My WH was also having an emotional affair during the dark period and I didn't comment at all on the posts. So stupid. Unfriend him. He is a jerk. Go NC. This is for you, HeartinPain. Get angry and disgusted. The mistress must be desperate to seek out a married man with children. Their relationship foundation is already being built on lies. I hardly believe it will last.

Yes, amazingly I somehow pulled through the terrible journey I was on. I also forgot to mention that my WH was drinking heavily at the time which compounded any and all of what was going on. But you know what, if I didn't go through these experiences, I wouldn't be the person I am today and neither would my WH. Not to say I don't still have triggers and my WH also has setbacks because he feels extremely remorseful and depressed at times over how much he hurt me but we are actually happy in our day, today. But we both worked really hard to overcome this trama he thrust upon me and us.

I just want to let you know HeartinPain, I also spent quite a bit of time at the gym. It really helped me to get out of myself.
I lifted weights and went to the exercise classes. It took some time but exercising helped to ease the pain.

Take one day at a time.

Heartinpain posted 1/22/2019 21:13 PM

You donít know how much I would love to post that comment. Expose the two of them to the world. But I was the bigger person and kept my mouth shut. I am employing the 180, and while I saw my WH tonight in a kid exchange, I said nothing. I kept it all business and said nothing about it or my feelings. As much as it hurts, I guess Iím proud of myself for doing so. I desperately want him to reach out to me, but I know I canít control him or his emotions. So, like youíve all said, I have to be willing to lose it to save it. We will see. I blocked both WH and OW on Facebook. I donít need that shit in my life. I also called his dad and told him I feel like theyíre flaunting this relationship in front of me. His dad is disgusted with him. But like everyone else in his life, WH seems to be ignoring him. Only paying attention to his selfish needs and wants.
I am going to start going to the gym too. I just had shoulder surgery and recovering from that, but I think I can manage a few things. I want to move forward, one way or another. Please keep posting, your strength and messages help me to get through this f*cking mess that is my life.

Heartinpain posted 1/28/2019 20:52 PM

Well everyone, my life just keeps getting worse and I donít know how much more I can take. My WH got admitted to the psych ward at the hospital tonight, after admitting to having thoughts of suicide. He told me that the only thing that stopped him was seeing our kids faces.
I donít know if this is the result of the consequences of his actions finally impacting him or what. I donít know anything. I do know that when heís discharged heís going to end up at home. Iím feeling so much stress, pain in my chest, my stomach is a mess. Does anyone have experience with this? Please help me SI community.

The1stWife posted 1/28/2019 21:01 PM

Why do you feel obligated to allow him to come back home to you?

You are not living together. He fired you as his wife sand chose someone else. The OW.

Iím not being mean here - I donít know if I could turn my back on someone either. But given the circumstances - you are already feeling stressed.

Why doesnít he go live with his dad until he straightens this mess.

Dealing with his emotional state AND his choice to cheat and be with OW and now he is expecting to come back to you? That may not be the best or wisest decision to help him emotionally get himself together. You have many issues to deal with and given what has transpired Iím not sure your home is the solution.

Stevesn posted 1/28/2019 23:15 PM

Iím sorry for this roller coaster you are on.

Does he have family nearby he can stay with? Perhaps talk to the Dr about the extenuating circumstances and he can help work something out to have him stay in the hospital longer.

Please lean on your own family and friends for support. Youíd be there for them if they were in a similar painful situation.

Heartinpain posted 1/29/2019 05:37 AM

His dad isnít being especially understanding and Iím worried that staying there will make things worse. Not to mention, I donít even think his dad would let him. He has been staying with his sister, but she has a little baby, and to ask her to shoulder this burden is too much.
In addition to him being admitted, he got fired for not showing up to work because he was on a 3 month trial period. So now we have lost a good portion of our income. I feel like my life is coming completely unraveled.
Iím staying home from work today (Iím a teacher) because I just canít handle another day of putting on a facade. Itís so exhausting, and trying to concentrate on anything is futile. Not to mention I need to talk to his doctors about whatís been going on with his decision making. I donít know how Iím going to make it through this wreck.

Ginny posted 1/29/2019 07:50 AM

Hang in there, Heart! You have a community here that has your back and willing to listen anytime day or night. Just know that you are being heard. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this right now. Practice some self care if you can today. You do not deserve his continued selfishness.

ChamomileTea posted 1/29/2019 08:11 AM

I know you're really worried about him. How could you not be? You've been married for a long time and you have a family together. But I wouldn't allow him back into the home without boundaries. Those boundaries would be that the affair is ended, that NC is established with the OW, that he continue IC, that he's transparent with his devices, and that he's there for R. Anything less is unfair to you and to your kids.

BluesPower posted 1/29/2019 09:57 AM

BS only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:17 PM, February 8th (Friday)]

redrock posted 1/29/2019 10:44 AM

Not to make light of suicide but whether or not his ideation is real this is an effective method of changing from perpetrator to victim in one fell swoop. It may not be a primary motivator with his history but the results can not be denied.

You love and empathy are powerful. I agree with the poster above that you have been his support throughout the marriage. After everything youíve been through donít sign back up for that job. Make sure your brain and common sense are in play as well. If you do let him back be VERY clear on your boundaries.

Wouldnít it be nice to have someone be there for you when your world crumbled? Think about that. Think about what you are doing to help him now and how he turned his back on your trauma.

Be cautious. We donít say that to hurt or ignore his problems. But To re enmesh yourself with a man who has blown up all of your lives and may not be prepared to do any real work anytime soon is not a great alternative for you.

Donít save him because no one else can. I would humbly ask his dad to step up. For you, for his kids. They shouldnít have to deal with him moving back in under these circumstances.

Donít let his choices be framed in an Ďdepressive episodeí and buried until he gets himself together.

It just sucks so hard. I know you are just dealing with whatís in front of you now. Consider talking to his dad and framing the fact that his helping his son now allows you and your kids to deal with your own trauma without being forced to cartake for the person who caused it.

Edie posted 1/29/2019 12:18 PM

You do know that OW is merely a Ďholidayí for your WH as respite from his responsibilities as father, husband, and son, donít you? The stressors you have described that predate his infidelity, and now Ďholidayí, are classic triggers for the escape into the Ďcarefreeí bubble of an affair, where the affair partners can demonise everybody else as perpetrators to their victim hood and pigeonholing into roles and responsibilities. So far, so classic.

I wonder though whether if your WH ever did really fulfill his roles and responsibilities as a father? Or whether you had to play parent to both your kids and him? It is hard not to romanticise him (nothing like another woman wanting our mate for them to suddenly become irresistibly attractive to us) in your low moments, I can see you doing that, but keep rubbing those rose-tinted spectacles and try to see him clearly now. Heís running away from his ennui, his roles and responsibilities and the suicide talk is a similar strategy of abdication of responsibility. He is no longer your responsibility, please resist all strategies to make him so.

As others have said, you are doing really well. Be a fierce mama bear for those kids of yours and for yourself. Roar if you need to. Your WS is (currently) self interested, self serving and self obsessed and may always have been. Your best strategy is to minimise contact with him completely, as he keeps trying to treat you as his best friend, and also project himself as mr nice guy, and neither of these are true.

Read Tushnurseís posts over and over. You are very strong and doing very well.

nekonamida posted 1/30/2019 09:45 AM

BluesPower is spot on. Your WH is an adult and he can figure out his own living arrangements. If you need him out of the house while he refuses to give up the OW then it doesn't matter how depressed he is. It doesn't matter how suicidal he is. He needs to be out of the house and getting psychiatric help away from you. Your needs matter most here.

Heartinpain posted 1/30/2019 10:49 AM

[This message edited by Heartinpain at 10:50 AM, January 30th (Wednesday)]

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