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Heartinpain posted 12/17/2018 16:45 PM

My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have 3 children, ages 15, 11, and 8. Three weeks ago was my D day. He told me he was going out with a friend, but needless to say, he wasnít. The AP is someone he met through a depression support group. They started talking online and it progressed to more. She lives 2 hrs away from us and they started meeting up and the relationship turned physical. He tells me the physical aspect was 3 months in length, but theyíve been talking for about 6 months. My world is turned upside down. The pain I feel is like nothing Iíve ever felt. My heart feels crushed. I never, ever would have thought my husband capable of this. Initially, I asked him to move out, the pain was too intense. He told me he wasnít sure that he wanted to work on things. That made the pain even more intense.

We decided to not make any decisions till after the holidays, if for no other reason than for our kids. I asked him to stop contacting her. I even texted her, asking her not to contact him. Obviously, that was stupid and only served to upset me further. For the first 2 weeks after d day, he continued to text and call her. I found out they were still friends on Facebook. He deactivated his Facebook, upon my confronting him. After our first counseling appointment, I found out they were still ďtalking.Ē I told him that I could not continue with him coantacting her. I Asked him to block her number and delete her contact from his phone. As far as I know, there has been no contact for the past week. Phone records confirm this.

We have since decided to at least attempt reconciliation. He has moved back into the house. I love him and canít imagine my life without him. But in some ways I feel pathetic and worthless. I have intrusive thoughts regularly, picturing him with her, thinking about the time they shared. I still canít believe he did this to me and our children. Iím paranoid about his time and phone. My mind constantly wonders if itís truly over. My heart wants to believe that it is. I know he feels remorse. But he has doubts about whether things can move forward with us.
We are in counseling, both individually and as a couple. We are currently working on a free online class as well, to navigate through this mess.

Iím not sure what to expect from this forum. But mainly, I think Iíd like support from others that have been through it. Maybe some advice, or hope. I donít want negativity, I think plenty of negative thoughts on my own, without the help of others.

wordsofwisdom posted 12/17/2018 16:51 PM

Heart, let me first tell you that I understand your pain, embarrassment and confusion. Eight years ago I stood shaking while reading a hidden message my wife sent to her former boyfriend. Today, I am happily married to another woman, run a small business, and try to never ever compromise my values and let people to manipulate me.

The fact that you can't imagine your life without him immediately puts you in a very weak and dependent position, you make yourself lost by not looking for alternatives. The real power you gain only when you no longer care about the outcome. When each outcome will be fundamentally okay for you. And the two possible outcomes I know are divorce, which requires efforts but pays off in a relatively short time, or your husband turning into a different person, which is highly unlikely and something you cannot and should not control.

The fact that you say "we" instead of "I", especially when it comes to "we decided" tells me that you don't know when the boundary lies between you and your husband, and you let him make decisions for you while you are living his life and playing his game. I do not very well any literature on infidelity, manipulation and co-dependency, but I would certainly recommend you to read a short Harvard Business Review on the emotional intelligence.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 4:58 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

inthedark99 posted 12/17/2018 17:01 PM

sorry youíve found yourself here, in the club no one wants to be in. you will however, find a wealth of knowledge in the healing library. please go there and read. read it all, then read it again.
gently, i would encourage you to make a decision to not make any decisions regarding reconciliation for 3-6 months as you navigate the recovery phase you are currently in.
eat well, stay hydrated and take some melatonin to help with getting some sleep. take care of YOU right now. keep posting here. it is a safe place for you.

edited: used the wrong word!

[This message edited by inthedark99 at 5:02 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Heartinpain posted 12/17/2018 17:15 PM

I appreciate your input. By your response, I assume you believe, ďonce a cheater, always a cheaterĒ? I guess I would like to believe, that sometimes people make mistakes and do things out of character. I realize that I may be setting myself up for more hurt, but for myself and my heart, I think a true effort from both sides needs to be put forth in order to determine if we can heal and grow stronger as a result.

Heartinpain posted 12/17/2018 17:19 PM

In the dark,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. May I ask why, you suggest 3-6 months? That sounds excruciating to be in limbo, not knowing where your relationship will go.
If both sides are willing, is there hurt in exploring the feelings now? Figuring out why? Neither of us have determined to stay or go permanently, but just to work on ourselves individually, as well as a couple?

1Faith posted 12/17/2018 17:26 PM


Welcome to the club no one ever wanted to join. Please know this is a safe place, a place where others have been where you are and know the indescribable pain you are feeling.

Please be kind to yourself. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. Maddening and heartbreaking but normal.

Nothing makes sense nor will it for some time. Up is down, east is west, yellow is purple and love has suddenly turned to hate. It is the rollercoaster ride from hell.

We are sorry you are here. Very sorry.

Please head up to the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner and read everything you can. Read others stories posted.

You don't have to decide anything right now, just try and breathe. Just try to focus on a path forward for you.

Please do know that nothing you did or didn't do caused your WH to cheat. It did not. That was/is his choice.

Please seek IC (individual counseling) for just you. You will need help navigating these waters. Reach out to someone in real life and please know this is NOT your secret to keep.

One day at a time. Sending BIG hugs and many prayers.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:28 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

wordsofwisdom posted 12/17/2018 17:36 PM

Heart, my response was not about cheaters, it was about you and your co-dependency, the lack of effort to seek healthier alternatives to your status quo.

As for "once cheater, always cheater", I live among energetic, talented and incredibly driven people who work very hard to improve their character, develop their talents, and accomplish challenging goals. And it takes them years of deliberate practice to accomplish a fundamental change in their behaviour. When it comes to a cheater (a person with broken values, who lacks self-awareness and integrity and takes an easy pass of instant gratification at others expense), I would call it a gambling to expect a cheater to show a fundamental change in his character, especially when he or she lives with an enabling person.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 5:43 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

fareast posted 12/17/2018 19:56 PM


So sorry you find yourself here. Itís good that you are in counseling. Exercise, eat healthy and try to get good sleep, and keep hydrated. Keep up with your hobbies. If the OW is M expose to her OBS. He deserves to know the truth.

Here is the thing that stood out to me. You said your WH met the OW through a depression support group and connected with her online, so it is possible they share a common bond in battling depression. I think this emotional bond makes it harder to R, but it can be done. Is your WH on anti depressants? And how is he handling his depression? It will help you to detach. Please read and implement the 180 to give you space to gain your footing and self respect before deciding what you want to do. Remember, you are the prize and you deserve a H who loves and cherishes you. He should be willing to move heaven and earth to regain your trust. Good luck.

Buster123 posted 12/17/2018 20:25 PM

It sounds like you are rugsweeping the whole thing and jumped into R way too soon, you can't even know if they're still in contact (very likely), he's broken NC multiple times, watch out for apps like WhatsApp, Instagram, KIK, SnapChat, etc., they won't show in the phone bill. Nothing kills an A like FULL EXPOSURE with OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse)if any,and with ALL family and close friends. Consult a D attorney to know your options, demand he signs a post-nup in your favor in case you want to D because of this and/or he cheats again. In case you haven't done it, get tested for STDs.

inthedark99 posted 12/17/2018 21:15 PM

3-6 months is not a limbo phase. gently, it is time for you to come up for air and have your bearings about you without having to make any decisions while you sort thru what is happening, has happened and to make a plan to move forward to keep you out of infidelity.
keep reading.

Want2BHappyAgain posted 12/18/2018 10:51 AM

There is HOPE...and you CAN be happy again...and your marriage can be STRONGER than ever...I'm living proof of that . I am almost 4 1/2 years out from this though...and it does take TIME to be able to see how things are.

I have been married twice...and cheated on twice . My 1st husband would cheat...I would do the "pick me dance"...and he would stay with me...only to cheat again when he found a new "shiny" . Trying to be NICE while my 1st H was in that stupid endorphin laden affair fog got me NOWHERE. After enough time had passed...and I saw that HIS choices had nothing to do with ME...I was strong enough to walk away for good. Of soon as I began seriously dating the man who became my 2nd 1st H had an EPIPHANY . It was ME he was IN LOVE with all along...and he tried EVERYTHING to get me back . I told him that if he had tried HALF as hard at our M as he did trying to win me back...we would have still been married . By the time he came was too little...too late. We divorced after only 4 years of marriage.

I was happily married to my 2nd H for 28 years before I was put in infidelity HELL again . This time though...there would be NO "pick me dance". I learned the lesson the hard way from my 1st M that the "pick me dance" does NOT work. I will NEVER put myself through that kind of torture ever again. Within SECONDS of my H confessing of his A that he had while working alone for 9 1/2 weeks overseas...I told him the M was OVER. I showed NO emotion at all...and this day...I am very proud of the way I handled it .

I calmly left the living room so that he could message the adultery co-conspirator who lived that THEY could start on their new life together...because OURS was OVER. Surprisingly...when I went into the H followed me there...and asked if he could lay down with me in the bed . My H had been home for TWO days from overseas...and this was the FIRST time he actually wanted to touch me...AFTER I told him our M was over !!! He told me later that he EXPECTED me to cry...scream...rant. But he NEVER expected me to tell him our M was over . He said that as soon as I left the room...his heart SANK. He had told me just minutes before that although he loved me like he had never loved anyone else...he didn't think he was IN LOVE with me . BUT...when I left...and his heart sank...he said he knew without a doubt that he for sure WAS in love with me...and that the BEST thing that ever happened to him was leaving...and he didn't know what to do. The ONLY thing he wanted at that point was to BE...WITH...ME. I didn't know that at the time...all I knew was that ever since he had gotten home he was so distant. When I finally found out eyes were opened...and I did NOT want to be with someone who did NOT want to be with me.

I've told you all this to let you know that the "pick me dance" does NOT work. I have been on this site for almost 4 1/2 years...and have not seen ONE person who this works for...except of course...for the cake eating Wayward spouse . You can't "nice" your WH only causes him to keep this stupid "love triangle" going. You can't reconcile while the adultery co-conspirator is in the picture...and YOU can't make them leave. ONLY your WH can do that...but he will NOT do it if he thinks you will still be there for him unconditionally.

SO...set some CONDITIONS...and stick to them . There is a great saying on this site..."You have to be willing to LOSE the M in order to SAVE it". What worked for ME...was I thought of conditions that would allow ME to reconcile. I called them ULTIMATUMS . IF my H would agree to EVERY ultimatum...then I would consider R. If not...then I would be free to end the M.

When my H was laying with me in the bed...and we were talking...mostly about how life would be like with us divorced...I realized the time was getting late in the adultery co-conspirator's country because of the time difference. I made my H leave our bedroom to go and message her...because I didn't want to have anything lingering. My H reluctantly got up and left...and this made me think. WHY did he follow me into the bedroom when he was FREE to message the adultery co-conspirator? WHY did he suddenly want to be NEAR me? I started thinking about how SHE would then come into MY house...and live MY life that WE had sacrificed over the years to get. THAT PISSED ME OFF!!! So I started thinking about the ultimatums.

When I had them in my head...I went back into the living room and asked my H if THEY have finished messaging. He looked very sad and nodded that they had. I then told him that even though I didn't love him like I had before...that I did NOT want HER coming in and taking up where I left off. I then told him about my ultimatums...and said if he didn't agree to every one...I was GONE. He said he agreed to all of them...and the first one I demanded he do immediately...write a NC message to the ACC...and NEVER speak to her or message her again. He did it without hesitation. My H told me later that even though he and the ACC had said they would continue with their "relationship"...that if I would tell him I would give him a second chance...he would do ANYTHING to stay with me. If I had known that THEN...I would have given him MORE ultimatums !!!!

Seriously though...YOU set the conditions...and the consequences. Then stick to them. You NEED to be willing to LOSE the M in order to SAVE it. THIS works . Your WH may still leave...but this will save YOU many months of heartache...because he would have stayed and been a cake eater for as long as you let him if you went the other way. This cut out the cancer and let the healing start NOW .

chinaandback posted 12/18/2018 22:51 PM

Heartinpain, I'm so sorry you are here. I almost felt like I was writing this post, although my XWH had an affair with his coworker. I was desperate to save my marriage and "win." *Desperate - key word. It didn't work. He teetered back and forth, in contact with her every day, while I was hoping he wasn't. When she told him she was pregnant (there never actually was a baby), he left our home and never came back. I wish I knew then what I know now. @want2bhappyagain is right on. The "pick me" dance does not work. He is holding all the power, having you AND OW. You CAN possibly save your marriage, but probably not in the way it's going right now. You deserve ALL of someone, not just a smidgen.

The1stWife posted 12/19/2018 04:28 AM

Unless it is his own idea to end the Affair- it is not over. The cheaters will just find a way to communicate without you knowing.

That is a typical cheater move sorry to say.

Stevesn posted 12/19/2018 06:56 AM

Heart. Are you still there?

Heartinpain posted 12/19/2018 09:14 AM

I am still here. Honestly, i didnít know how to reply to some of the responses. I donít consider myself a weak person. I am educated, with a successful, fulfilling job. I am strong willed and opinionated and am not afraid to voice my thoughts. My H and I have been married for 17 years, together for almost 20.

I know people on here have been through this and are only trying to be helpful. But I guess I felt that some of the responses were harsh. Maybe, Iím being too sensitive, but I canít help the way I feel. And if your first response to that statement is to be critical of me, please donít respond. At this most vulnerable state, I feel like I need support and hope, not criticism.

wordsofwisdom posted 12/19/2018 09:35 AM

Heart, I know that you found my words harsh, and I am sure you will hear others who will encourage you to reconcile at all costs and whose opinion will support your hope. What I suggest: please print this thread and reread it five years from now, and the odds are high that your understanding of it will be quite different. Good luck.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 2:29 PM, December 19th (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 12/19/2018 09:44 AM


Sorry you are going through this. As I understand the situation you are currently in limbo status with no decisions to be made until after the holidays. Of course there is always hope for your M if that is what you desire. But it takes two committed people to R. From what you have described your WH is slowly beginning to work toward remorse. He is in IC and as far as you know he is NC with the OW. These are positives. You are in control and you decide if your WH has demonstrated enough remorse by his actions to warrant continuing in the M.
You are the prize. You can always decide to continue the M even if he is not remorseful and wants to rugsweep the entire A, but the people here will tell you of the dangers of doing this.
Be vigilant. Good luck.

Heartinpain posted 1/6/2019 05:50 AM

Six weeks out from d-day #1. And I guess Iím in the midst of d-day #2. I woke up in the middle of the night to discover my husband was not home. He had texted me to say that he had an upset stomach and was running to the store for pepto.
That was 4 hours ago now. I have since texted him, saying I know where he is. He has read them but has chosen not to respond or call me.
The worst part of it all is he let me believe he was remorseful. He let me believe he cared. He let me believe it was over. He let me believe he was trying. Hope is a terrible thing. When someone gives you hope, with no intention of following through, itís the worst feeling in the world.
I know I have to be strong. But itís hard when you feel nothing but emptiness. What do I tell my kids? After d-day, I vowed that I wouldnít come between the relationship between him and our kids, because he was a great dad. But you know what? A great dad doesnít put his selfish choices above everyone else in his life. So now what?

pureheartkit posted 1/6/2019 06:53 AM

Heart, I'm sorry he couldn't be honest with you.

You have a kind nature and forgiveness comes naturally for you. He has free will and can make his own life choices. That doesn't give him the right to abuse you. It all hurts so much. Please keep reading here. I could not do everything that was suggested to me a year ago. My WS kept talking to his OW after I asked him to stop. There have to be consequences or nothing will change.

minusone posted 1/6/2019 06:55 AM

Yes.... You will be ok.

Yes..... You will survive.

((HIP)) it is not going to be easy. Please use the resources of this site and start to read. Healing Library and Tactical Primer on the top of this forum. Read all post that have a bullseye... Right now they are on the first and second page of this forum.

Take care of you. Make sure that you eat, stay hydrate, get as much sleep as possible. Get screened for STDS (full panel). Seek counseling.

If he wants to chase the OW that is his choice to make. But it is your choice whether you will stay in a marriage where your husband is cheating on you. You don't have to decide right now. But protect yourself. Make an appointment with an attorney (or two) and know your rights. Start separating your finances. Protect yourself and your kids.

Sometimes it comes to a point when you want to let him know that although you would prefer to work on your marriage that he is free to pursue her, but that you are moving on with your life with or without him. Sometimes you have to lose the marriage in order to save it. But that is your decision....again when you are ready.

Read the 180 and start putting the focus on yourself.

Keep reading and keep posting.

This shit ain't easy. There is no magic cure. There is no quick fix.

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