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My married mom ws on P.O.F & hs been dating a guy fr over a year

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masti posted 1/31/2019 07:15 AM

Of all the ugly stories on SI, yours broke my heart. Your parents are so wrapped up in their own selfish lives that they are unable to share your pain. It may be that this is a pattern in their lives. Perhaps your mom has done this before and each time your father runs away. Or maybe they are two mismatched individuals who should have never been together. Maybe he has shirked responsibility each time in trouble or maybe not. They both seem to be rewriting their own history without a care for you.
Have you got any friends you can be with right now? I have a child in university and I can never imagine abandoning her. Your mother has put her needs before you. Does your university have free counseling? Please make use of it. Stay strong, stay focused, you will get through this. Will yourself mentally, say I am strong, smart and focused, I will come out a winner.

nekonamida posted 1/31/2019 07:29 AM

What your dad did may have been wrong but it sounds like what your mom did and is doing is just as bad if not worse.

I see it this way too. She could have divorced your dad now that you were an adult and lived more authentically before choosing to date. There's probably a lot of truth to her story but it doesn't mean she didn't have better ways of handling the situation.

There are no saints here and the real victim is you, PNash. Please reach out to an IC through your university to help you process and heal from this situation.

WilliamM posted 1/31/2019 08:17 AM

There are so many reasons why this is one of the most heartbreaking stories ever on SI. I am so sorry for you and will be praying for you my friend. Both of your parents have handled this so poorly. How could your father reject you? You did nothing wrong. That is so sad? How can your mother's family support infidelity? That is so wrong in so many ways. If your father was exactly as they say, and they encouraged divorce, then I could understand. I think you would too. But to support her cheating is just wrong. The truth of their relationship is somewhere in the middle. Your father probably is not the monster they turned into, but he is not man you thought he was as well. Where that is is hard to say right now because he has cut you out of his life. I would bet his family is controlling the way your father is reacting to this situation.

Now what I am going to say is what I would say to my own mother if this was her story. If you feel this way as well then I understand. As for your mother, I would let her know I am completely against the relationship and will never support it (if this is how you feel).I would let her know how disappointed I am in her. And that I see her differently than I did before I learned of her adultery. I could not support any of my parent's relationship that began with adultery. And please got to IC. You need someone to talk too. And I would do a hard 180 on your mother's family. Your aunt and her husband especially. I would practically cut them out of my life for now. You may want to connect again with them later. But for now, go NC with them. Tell you mother how you feel about the entire situation. Have her listen and not interrupt. Then limit communication with her if you can. She is your mother and that will be hard. Once again I am so sorry you are going through this. So sorry.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 8:26 AM, January 31st (Thursday)]

Bladerunner2054 posted 1/31/2019 08:20 AM

Every time I read a story that I tell myself is the worst of worst, I find another one that beats them all.

This is just heartbreaking.

ibonnie posted 1/31/2019 08:42 AM

I'm so sorry it turned out this way. Please seek real life counseling, if you can. Keep posting here whenever you feel you need to vent. You've just experienced something incredibly traumatic, and many people dealing with infidelity have symptoms of PTSD. Take care of yourself, and know that a bunch of strangers on the internet are rooting for you.

ChamomileTea posted 1/31/2019 08:57 AM

She said she was sorry we were all going through this because she made some horrible decisions and then kept lying about dad with me my whole life, just so she could protect me.

I'm so sorry, but none of this was about "protecting" you. If it was, your former friend wouldn't have been shacking up with your mother in the house with you after DDay. They both knew you were suffering, and yet they put themselves ahead of your pain, as did your father.

I know you're in a tough spot financially, still trying to complete your education. But if it's at all possible to get a room-mate situation and a part-time job while you're going to school, try to get away from all the toxic people in your life. I know it probably feels like the world is peopled with liars and cheats, but I promise you... there are still honest, decent people out there. Find some. Surround yourself with supportive friends.

Strength to you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 8:57 AM, January 31st (Thursday)]

Cooley2here posted 1/31/2019 09:00 AM

I have a question about your father‘s relatives. Why are they turning on you? You are his child and you are worried about him. How does that make you the bad guy? There are relationships where woman is much older than the man and they often work, believe it or not. Your mother should have handled this in a much different way. She should have left the marriage before she did anything else. It seems to me that this couple has lied and kept secrets for so long from you that it has become a way of life. You are the poster child of how lying and cheating impacts a child no matter the age. All of us are sending you support. Unless your father is doing something illegal I hope you and he can establish some sort of rapport. You are going to have to forgive your mother. One of the things I have learned in my job is that we don’t do well as adults if we carry our parents’ burdens. You are trying to become an independent adult. You do that by stepping away from all of this emotionally and yet at the same time trying to be a child to two very damaged parents. I wish you luck.

stubbornft posted 1/31/2019 09:44 AM

I am so sorry your family is so very toxic and that absolutely includes your father. He should be helping you, not threatening you with a restraining order. Your mom is being so selfish. Why the fuck is this man in the house? That is just mind blowing to me. You have two very, very selfish and childish parents. I am just so sorry and my heart breaks for you. Are you in counseling?

Can you start separating from these toxic people? Could you work while attending school so you can live on your own? Or will your parents help you with a place to live while you are in school - a place that is not living with them? Have you asked your mom to keep her boyfriend out of the house and away from you?

I am just so sorry, I think the sooner you can get away from them the better. Hopefully in the future they will pull their heads out of their asses and you can have a better relationship with them both, but right now they are so bad for you and you have your whole life ahead of you. I am so sorry. I have sons that are teenagers and to think of them going through something of this magnitude in the next several years, I just can't imagine it and you do not deserve one bit of this drama bullshit.

Robert22205https posted 1/31/2019 10:18 AM

I see you as the primary victim. You are surrounded with toxic selfish deceitful people.

You can't control how your mother or father or their families behave. You can only control your own behavior.

I understand that you are currently financially dependent on your mother (as perhaps your father was?). However, I think you should develop a long term plan on distancing yourself and being financially independent.

In the mean time, stay at uni as much as possible.

I think you should seek counseling (perhaps through the uni if its available). Don't hesitate to share your story.

heartbroken_kk posted 1/31/2019 11:22 AM

Wow, what a horrible series of appalling fuckups on your parents' part.

This is the worst gaslighting I have ever heard of, and I've been here for a long time!

PNash, you have been through an incredibly damaging trauma learning of this fake life that your family was concocting around you to alter your sense of who they are.

Without question, you are going to be suffering with many of challenges of post-traumatic stress.

What you need to do now, is focus 100% on taking care of you, and nobody but you. You have been harmed by this ridiculous fraud, and the ridiculous behavior of both your father scurrying off and hiding, and your mother bringing this other man out from behind a curtain.

You need counselling for sure. This is too much to bear on your own or just with an online support group like SI. We are here for you, we will absolutely continue to be as supportive as we can, but we can't provide all of the help that you need.

I will tell you that when I learned about all of the lies and deceits that my XWH concocted to create a fake persona, it was just as shattering as the moment when I learned that he was cheating on me. It's discovery after discovery after discovery learning about all the lies and you are left completely bewildered and unable to really trust that anything anyone says is true.

Working with a counselor was critical to my recovering a sense of normalcy and charting a path forward for me to build a new life and leave all the faking trickery and bullshit behind.

PNash, keep posting. You do not have to make your posts make any sense. You can just use this space in any way that you need to work through what you are having to cope with. You can post long or post short, we will read and try to assist you.

Today, take a big giant deep breath. Tomorrow is another day. Focus on your future. Your brain will be constantly pulling you back into the past to try to make sense of things, and it will be really tortuous because so much doesn't make sense. Your parents are not healthy people and so their behavior and justifications are not healthy either. Seriously you need space from them. You won't find the healing you need by going to your family right now. Maybe later you can try to reconnect but I think you are better off with a lot of space so you can just let the drama die down and you can not have so many thoughts and feelings zapping you in your brain all the time.

Please read here about the 180. It's in the upper left corner in the healing library. You need to start implementing the 180 so that you can pull your attention away from your parents and put it back on you. You are the most important person in this story right now, and your ability to focus on your own self-care is critical.

I'm so, so sorry you've had to deal with this situation. Nobody deserves to have their parents betray them.

ShutterHappy posted 1/31/2019 14:52 PM


I would like you to understand that what is happening to you is not even remotely normal.

Married parents sometimes grow apart and they divorce while making sure their children are ok. Most grown adults will do that. Sometimes one parent has some deep issues but there’s one parent left to take over after D.

Sometimes a spouse cheat and a divorce follows. Most cheaters don’t understand how their little “me me me” behavior impacts their children. But you rarely read, if ever, of a betrayed spouse to put a restraining order on his/her child(ren).

And having a mother that puts a whole fake family show for “your benefit” (her benefit) is pretty bad too. Having an AP that is a person you know (obliquely) is inconsiderate, stupid and selfish. She doesn’t even realize the hurt she puts on you each time she parades her boy-toy. Amazing

In the next few days, there will be a lot of SI members who will read your post and think about you... All over the world... US, Canada, UK. You post as many times as you want and we will support you.

When I was at the university, I got very sick, hospitalized, and missed final exams. I was able to retake those exams. Inform yourself, under your circumstances, you might be able to do the same.

In my opinion (and it’s ok for others to disagree) both your father and your mother (including her family) don’t deserve you. Make some plans to finish University, and move away from those people. Yes, that includes your mother. Your father can have his restraining order. Your mother can have her boy-toy and her pretend family. You can walk away. “I choose not to participate in your madness”.

I am sending strength your way and we are looking forward to hear from you again.

Unbroken78 posted 1/31/2019 18:03 PM

What a horrible story full of selfish people.

Brother...I've been pretty close to where you are. This is serious advice-

Walk away. You can't fix that. Every minute you stay will mess you up more. Cut the cancer out of your life, walk away, burn the bridge, and never look back. New phones, trash all e-mail accounts, trash your social media, and move.

Join the Army. I'm not joking here. You need a major life change. Join the Army and move on with life.

jlg05 posted 1/31/2019 18:30 PM

I agree with the posters saying walk away.
Both of your parents are crap people.
They lie to you for your entire life, as do their families.
Your father is a coward who runs away, and your mother has the morals of an alley cat -- instead of divorcing, she cheats.

NEITHER of them deserve you, and I would tell them both this directly. As for your mothers family for helping her, they all suck also. CHEATING doesn't solve the issue. They should have supported her to DIVORCE your father if he was so bad. Instead, they have now destroyed your life. Oh, and the guy dating your mother -- you need to find a way to deal with him one way or another. He also is a crappy person (no matter what your mother says) for going after a married woman.

yearsofpain25 posted 2/1/2019 10:38 AM

Hi PNash,

Very sorry you are going through all of this. Though our circumstances may be slightly different, the heart of the matter is very much the same for you and I.

You are surrounded by people that are completely self absorbed and don't see what's going on with you at all.

The piece that I would like to add is that you need to tell your mother how you feel. That's starts with what you told all of us here. How your "friend" used to brag about what was going on with your mom. How you exactly feel about your "friend" her affair partner. In fact, I would take most of your first post, maybe rewrite some of it so that it's directed toward's her, and give it to your mother.

What does that accomplish? Here's the thing. You do that for you. You tell her how you feel for you. I can tell you right now that it will most likely fall on deaf ears as with your mother it's all about her. She's completely self absorbed and only concerned with 2 things. How she looks to everyone and preserving her affair. But getting this out now does two things for you. Later, no one can say you didn't let them know how you feel. Secondly, getting some of your emotions out now and placing them where they belong will help so that you don't misplace those feelings somewhere else later which happens with PTSD in situations like these.

I also had to come to terms with my father but in a different way. While my father was physically around, he was mentally checked out and massively codependent so that he was focused on my mother the entire time. He couldn't hear anything else and was lost in his own world. Your father is also lost in his own world.

With that, concentrate on finishing school and getting your degree. From there you can then build a life however you want. That's what I did and my life today is much better than it was. Also, get into IC as no doubt these actions by your parents are causing PTSD. Been there myself.

You can do this. Focus on you. Finish school the build your life however you want to. It doesn't take away the pain, but by doing so can give you focus and drive to shape your life how you want.


Dismayed2012 posted 2/1/2019 14:41 PM

Sorry to hear about your situation PNash.

You're surrounded by people who think insanity is okay. You're mother fed you lies your whole life because she wanted you to have a 'normal' life. That's insane. Your Aunt and her hubby encouraged an affair and have been supporting your mother's affair with your friend. That's insane. Your father has run off to another country to avoid drama. That's insane. Your former friend doesn't have the sense to realize that he should perhaps cool the relationship until things settle out. That's just being a selfish codependent asshole.

I agree with you that moving out is the best answer to your situation. Establish your life the way you feel is best. Finish your studies and don't allow screwed-up people to hinder you from future success. Cut the toxic waste from your life and enjoy the days you have left.

Atrowspark posted 2/1/2019 21:17 PM

I dunno what is worse, finding out about your mom's activities, or your dad never calling like he said he would and running away, and then on top of that saying that your efforts to reach out to him is harassment.

annanew posted 2/1/2019 22:14 PM

Wow. I thought she would be consumed with shame when you discovered her. I guess I was assuming she was not completely self-centered. But she is.

I think the more distance you can put between you and your family, the better. None of this is right. You have good instincts, trust them.

I'm so sorry.

CatsEye posted 2/2/2019 00:21 AM

This is such an ugly, ugly story.

Lying to someone and saying you did it in order to "protect" him is complete and utter bullshit. People don't lie in order to protect someone else; they lie in order to protect themselves from the fallout. Lying to someone is a betrayal all by itself. It damages the relationship even if it isn't found out. It hurts the person even if it isn't found out. In fact, it could be argued that the longer it isn't found out, the more damage the lie does.

From what you have told us, your mother has betrayed you each and every day of your life, your father has betrayed you each and every day of your life, and your aunt and uncle have betrayed you each and every day of your life. I leave it up to you whether you ever want to think about forgiving these people, but I would never trust any of them again.

I agree with everyone who says that you should distance yourself from all these people emotionally, physically, and financially as much and as soon as possible.

If your father has to run off to another country and abandon his wife and child every time things get tough, he isn't much of a man. Your mother was stupid to keep hanging around waiting for her child's father to grow up enough not to abandon his family every time things weren't perfect, but no matter how unhappy that made her, that does not excuse the appalling selfishness that had her cheating with someone her son's age rather than do the honest thing and end her marriage. That is exactly what I have posted again and again: when someone cheats, he doesn't hurt just his betrayed spouse; he hurts everyone who cares about his betrayed spouse. ALL of them, but especially the parents and children. And when children have one biological parent cheating on the other, that has got to be devastating to a whole new level.

I don't care what your father did or didn't do to your mother, that in no way excuses what she has done to you. Having her affair was bad enough. Moving her boytoy into the house right after her son has gone through all this trauma and before she has even begun the process to end her marriage shows that she is sick beyond help. And for your so-called friend to be willing to move into your home under those circumstances shows that he isn't much better. Not even his relative youth is enough to excuse that degree of insensitivity.

This is a case where I am going to urge counselling. This is so screwed up, it's hard for ME to wrap my head around it. I cannot even begin to imagine what it could be doing to you.

Please. PLEASE. Please, get help.

And please let us know how you are when you have time and feel up to posting.

[This message edited by CatsEye at 12:22 AM, February 2nd (Saturday)]

Odonna posted 2/22/2019 11:10 AM

PNash, how are you doing?

Odonna posted 4/2/2019 17:47 PM

PNash, I thought I would call out to you one more time. How are you doing?

[This message edited by Odonna at 1:03 PM, April 3rd (Wednesday)]

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