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My married mom ws on P.O.F & hs been dating a guy fr over a year

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PNash posted 11/30/2018 14:01 PM

Not sure if this post is okay here but I couldn't find any other relevant forum for it. Apologies for the long post. But I felt like it was such a mess I couldn't explain it any shorter.

So my[21M] mate has this friend[21M] that went to the same school as him but is in a different Uni that is located in a nearby town that is 40-45 minutes drive away. I've only met this guy a handful times when he was hanging out with my mate at his place or at parties in the Uni and things like that. During one of the parties a couple of weeks before Christmas time last year when I met him briefly, I got to know he had met this older woman[39F] on POF and that he had been chatting her up for almost a couple of months and she had finally said yes to meeting him for coffee. We laughed about how it took him a couple of months to get a woman to even say yes for coffee. He didn't say much at that and the topic moved on.

Met him again a few weeks after the New Years earlier this year when he was at my mates house. He had come to borrow his car as his own had broken down. Got to know there that he had scored with that woman and she lived in our town itself. After a couple of meetings she had finally said yes to go out on an official 'date' with him as long as they always met outside this town as she wasn't comfortable being seen by anyone she knows here. My mate and I did have quite a laugh about the fact that it took him so long to get go on a 'date' and this situation. He just said she had her reasons but he didn't mind because she was insanely hot and he didn't mind waiting. And obviously it had paid off too, now that he had scored with her and has had her for a few weeks by that point. He even showed off that he was just as hot in bed as she looks, which we dismissed as bragging. And he then brought up borrowing my mate's car again was as his car had broken down while he was coming to our town to pick her up for their lunch date. He was taking her out of town, to the town where his Uni is based for lunch and then they'd be going back to his place. He asked him to make sure not to scratch the car and all that and gave him the keys and he left.

I didn't come across him for a almost the whole year after that and the next time was Wednesday last week in a pub at the campus. He had just returned from a holiday to Barcelona where he went with his girlfriend. He was quite drunk by the time we met him as he was there with some of his other friends. I was surprised to know that he was still with that older woman and was now referring to her as his girlfriend. So I asked him about it, he said it started as a fling but then he had started catching feelings for her. She was reluctant about it and even started acting distant, but then came around herself and eventually admitted he had feelings for him as well. Now this is where he got a bit serious (maybe due to the drinks) and started talking about how he would flirt with her in the beginning how she finally said yes to date him and how they started fucking and all that and started thanking my mate for lending him his car the few times he did. He then revealed that the reason he doesn't talk about it is that he feels everyone would judge him for dating a married woman. This is caught our attention and we asked for more details now.

He told us how she felt she was in a monotonous, boring marriage and could feel the spark had ended but still didn't want to cheat. Initially she was just looking to talk to someone just for the thrill of it, but hadn't thought about actually meeting anyone. He obviously was happy to match with a hot older woman and just wanted to shag a MILF. He knew she had a son in our Uni who was a couple of years him (I had to repeat a couple of modules in my 1st and 2nd years so I'm a couple of years behind). That didn't matter to him obviously. But it explained the reason why it took him so long to get her to date him. Then it soon turned into a proper affair rather than just a fling on the side. But when he had confessed to her that he had developed feelings for her, she shut him down from doing that saying she is married and has a son and can't leave her husband and things like that. It didn't affect their affair in the beginning. However when he started really expressing his feelings to her and getting a bit possessive about her having to go back to her husband, he said she started making distance. Then apparently he started to say no to 'meeting' her as regularly as they did and the frequency of their 'meeting' started going down. This went on for a couple of months and eventually she got back with him and confessed that she too, in fact, had developed feelings for him and anted the two of them to get back together to how they were before. In fact , the woman had even confessed about it to her sister, who obviously didn't approve and advised her to stay away from this relationship. Which was apparently why she had started to maintain her distance from him. Now that she had accepted that she too had feelings for him they were back at it. In his own words, he felt like it was even better than what it was earlier. They were meeting much more regularly then and she would often sneak out of work during her lunch break to meet him. This had become a regular thing for them and they had been been having lunch togher at least 3-4 times a week since the past couple of months. He would often ask her to try and finish work early so they could meet up and 'hang out' at his place. Sometimes she would plan these meets herself. Since he had already given her a set of keys for his flat so she can come whenever she wants, she had surprised him a couple of times by coming to his place while he was at Uni and getting things ready for when he'd be back. Or at other times when she'd just ask him to mee her at his place so they could spend the rest of the afternoon and evening together till it was time to go back home for her. She had eventually told her sister about this too. He had started to get possessive again and started asking her to leave her husband and come live with him, but she had told him she can't just leave her husband and family all of a sudden and has to think about her son too. But she would repeatedly assure him that they would figure something out about this situation eventually. They had then, over time, started dating more openly and even coming out about being together to a couple of his other friends from his Uni. The friends he was with before we met him at the pub had all met his girlfriend and they were the ones who had suggested them to take a trip together so they can be with each other without worrying about anything else. This was the Spain trip which he had just returned from.

Now this story seemed too surreal to us both until he said that she was going to be his date at their Graduation Ceremony (which was this past Tuesday) and he wanted my mate who was graduating the same day to meet her too. His and our Unis are located quite close by and have a number of common shared activities including common Graduation ceremonies for the Fall intake students. The common Graduation Ceremony which my mate and his friend would be attending was being held at a chapel nearby their Uni. Graduation for other batches were held at their respective Uni campuses. Obviously, since I am a couple of years behind, I obviously had nothing to do with the Graduation Ceremony this year. He told us that she had told her husband she was needed to be at her sister's place as she needed help taking care of herself and the kids because she was ill and her husband is out of country for a couple of days so she'll be going there. But instead she'd be staying with him at his place and would be accompanying him for Graduation. He was escalated about this and kept thanking the fact that his Uni was outside our town otherwise she might not have been comfortable enough to go with him openly as his girlfriend if it were in our town.

So, a lad getting lucky with a MILF seemed kinda cool for him, so we decided not to judge him for being with a married woman. Then comes Tuesday, earlier this week, the day of their graduation ceremony. Neither me or my mate even remotely had any of this in our minds till this morning when he left for the ceremony. He was excited about graduating and getting back to working at the company he was doing his placement year at. I was obviously happy about my mate graduating too. Anyway, come this evening, I was bored at home and thought to login on Facebook and see if anyone had uploaded pictures from the ceremony yet. Obviously my whole timeline was filled with graduation picutres. Liking and congratulating everyone on their pictures, I came across a post where my mate was tagged in. It was a graduation picture he had posted and I got a shock that I cannot explain. I could see my mom in the background of that picture with that guy having his arms around her waist. I quickly opened the guy's profile and saw a few more pics of that day with both of them and even a picutre of them kissing. The comments and captions obviously indicating that she was his girlfriend and how happy he was that he was finally able to share their relationship with his friends. He has a very limited friend's list on Facebook as he rarely uses it anymore. Then it also struck me that, obviously, mom had told dad earlier that she needed to be at my aunt's house to look after her and the kids since she is recovering from jaundice and her husband is not in the country for 3 days. The exact same excuse that he had told us last weekend, that his girlfriend would make to her husband so they can be together on these past 3 days.

I just kept looking at the pictures for a few hours since I've saw them first and got to know all that, and I really didn't know what to do. My mind wasn't working at all. I tried calling my mate but his phone was off, probably out of battery as usual. Tried calling mom just to confirm where she was, she didn't pick up. Called back after a couple of minutes and said she was at Auntie's place. I asked what time did she reach, she said she's been there since the morning. I didn't know what to say next, so just made an excuse that dad was calling me downstairs and wished her good night and disconnected.

A couple hours later when I was downstairs in the kitchen for dinner with dad ,he called mom to ask about aunt's health obviously not knowing what I knew. Mom didn't pick up so he decided to call my aunt. She didn't pick up either but called back after a few minutes. She did tell dad that mom has been taking care of her and how amazing it was to meet her after a while. She said mom probably didn't pick up as she had gone to sleep as she was too tired from the trip and looking after her through the day. She had gone to sleep herself after taking her meds but was woken up by the sound of the phone ringing so decided to call dad back and let him know. She told dad that she'll ask mom to call him in the morning when she wakes up. I couldn't say anything and just got back up to my room after having dinner. From what happened downstairs I was really confused about what to think. I knew for a fact mom was at the graduation ceremony and not at her place. And was still most probably with him at his place. How come my aunt said she's with her since the morning.

Mom didn't return the day before yesterday too. I hadn't been able to tell dad about it yet. It's hard to muster up the courage to bring something like that up. However, I had decided that night that I was going to talk to dad the next morning, but since I couldn't sleep I woke up late and dad was about to leave when I woke up so couldn't bring that up. I thought about just sending him a message from a new random email address with link to the pictures that my mate's friend had uploaded on Facebook. However, when I logged in to Facebook, I couldn't find the pics. I tried searching for his profile but he had made it private. I tried looking for tagged of images of my mate and he wasn't tagged in any pics with my mom either, anymore. Without those pics, I was at a loss of how to bring up the topic again now.

I had been avoiding Facebook all day since then, because of the fear of one of my other friends from our Uni, who would have graduated that day too and have met my mom a couple of times, recognising her in those pictures and commenting about that or something. I tried to avoid picking up my mate's calls too as I felt very weird of how was I going to react when I see him now that he has met his friend's girlfriend. Did he know she was my mom. He hasn't met my mom so chances of him knowing her are almost none. But I did run into him on the way to Uni. He called me from across the street and came up to me and we went to a pub in the campus. He was on about how amazing graduating felt and that. Then he mentioned that his friend was throwing a sort of after-party at his place for just a handful of his very close friends so he could properly introduce them to his girlfriend. He had invited my mate too since he had helped him get close to her by lending him his car whenever he wanted. Obviously my mate had gone and he was on about how amazing his friend's girlfriend was. He said it was awkward for a minute because of the age gap but 'she was so hot and really cool' so the awkwardness faded away pretty soon. They apparently had a blast there and she had cooked. He told me about the chicken wings she had prepared for the party snacks and yep, definitely something my mom cooks! Also after they had all opened up a bit, with the help of drinks and once the crowd had thinned a bit, she was even somewhat okay talking about the fact that she was married and still dating him too. She, apparently, had apparently got a bit serious for a bit there and said something long the lines of how she had never planned on it and started talking to him as a friend with some light flirting and casual banter at first but he swept her away by his charm and all his attention and care for her, and how things just fell into place with him and now after almost a year of being with him she feels he was the most amazing man she'd ever met. Even said they're still figuring out what they're going to do about her being married, but she's still gonna stay committed to him and they'll soon figure out what to do about her being married soon so they don't have to hide the fact that they're both together. She said she was also concerned about what her might think of it. The guy then tried to lighten up and made some jokes in general and then also made a cheeky comment about how she didn't want to go to that lousy old man (referring to mom's husband, obviously) which made everyone laugh. Mom laughed too agreeing with the fact. According to my mate, at one point towards the end of the party his friend told her he loved her and she said she loved him too and pulled him in for a kiss which left everyone there speechless for a while followed by wooing for the couple. They had kissed and made out a few more times during the party and by the time they were leaving he was sure that 'some serious sex would happen' that night. I just had a pretty straight face all through the conversation constantly trying to notice anything in his story to indicate if him or anyone else there knew who she was and at the same time having to listen to all this with a straight face.

Mom came back late yesterday morning, 3 days after she left to 'look after her sister'. Even brought back Auntie's home made food and wine which mom said she had sent as a thank you for looking after her. It's something that my aunt makes whenever we're over and is kind of like her speciality so it was obviously made by her. This was obviously to subtly further reinstate the fact that she was indeed at her sister's place. Dad had called again yesterday to wish Auntie well, once mom had returned with all that, and told her she didn't need to cook all this food for us. Aunt apparently had replied she wanted to in order to thank everyone for letting her be with her to look after her.

I did try to casually ask my mate if he had some pictures from that after party. But he said he didn't bother clicking any as they had clicked some pictures from his friend's camera and he was waiting for him to upload them to Facebook or Instagram or something. I haven't asked him again for it to avoid sounding too desperate or weird. Mom has been acting all normal as if nothing is going on. However when I met him earlier today at the pub, I did try to ask him how was his job search going now that he had graduated, in the hopes of bringing the topic to the graduation day and the after-party again somehow. But he said he was still applying and then he mentioned that his friend's girlfriend works in recruitment (yes, again my mom) and he had asked her help as she had already helped his friend (her boyfriend) get a job already at her company. Apparently the guy and mom were together yesterday evening as well, when my mate got the call from him telling him the good news about him having got a job (mom was supposed to be at her gym at that time), that's when my mate had asked her to help him find a job too if she could. She had told him she'd forward him some references. I had lost all thought of asking about that night or those pictures when he told me she had got that guy a job at a software start-up which had recently moved in the same commercial building where mom's office is. That meaning they'll basically be in the same building which would obviously give them an excuse to meet up more regularly, if not everyday. He is apparently joining from Monday already.

Mom hasn't shown anything out of her ordinary behaviour at home since yesterday when she got back. However, I am totally at a loss of how to process all this and deal with this situation. As for telling dad, I can't bring myself to do it, especially now when I have nothing to show for it. Also with what I've heard about mom and him 'trying to figure out what to do about her bring married' so they don't have to hide it anymore, I feel like I'd be helping them by telling dad. I'm at a loss of what else to do, so I thought of writing all of it here to see if talking about it online helps decide what my next step should be. Why would mom even end up doing something like this? I would never have guessed anything of this sort if I hadn't seen the pictures or heard everything. Seriously at a loss about how to process this.

Sorry if the post is too long.

TL;DR: One of my mate's other friends started seeing an older woman he met on POF. It started as a fling and grew into an affair and they both confessed feelings. It's been almost a year later now and I've found out that the woman he's dating is my mom.

beenthereinco posted 11/30/2018 14:33 PM

Well this story just sucks. I'm sorry. I have been on this site for two years and every time I think I've seen how badly people can act I get surprised yet again by newer depths and cruelties that people can sink to.

Look I can see the tough spot that all of this puts you into and how you don't have direct evidence to show your father but I think you have to tell him any way. I guess you could confront your mother and ask her to confess but if you do that I would tell her that she has to do it immediately or you are going to do it. Your father needs to know what is going on in his life.

Much like we tell people on this site that it is not their fault when someone cheats on them it will not be your fault when you tell your dad. You will not be destroying this marriage. Your mother has done that.

Also maybe you've learned something here. All of your friends that "wooed" along with the married woman having the affair need to learn. Infidelity is not a victimless crime. You are a victim. Your father is definitely a victim. Your mother says the marriage is over. Well then she should have ended it, first, before this. Who knows. They may actually recover from this. I would recommend staying out of that aspect of this but statements made by someone in an affair are not always truthful. Go figure.

Cooley2here posted 11/30/2018 14:36 PM

Even though you are an adult these are still your parents. How do you think things would go if you visit your aunt and tell her you know?
How is the marriage between your parents?
If your family breaks up your Dad will have a chance to find a new life,
This story sounds unbelievable but I believe you because human beings are capable of anything.
You need guidance. Does your school have counseling you could access? In the UK you have something called Relate. Is that available to you?
Try not to use alcohol or other drugs to deaden the pain of this. Take care of yourself.

ibonnie posted 11/30/2018 15:04 PM

I'm sure you probably feel like by telling your dad, you're somehow ruining their marriage. You're not. 1000% not. Your mom has already done that, your dad just doesn't know yet. And worse, she's enlisted your aunt to help lie.

As a BS, one of the things you struggle with post-D-day (the day you find out about the affair) is feeling humiliated that other people might have known about the affair and just not told you.

This will be incredibly difficult, but if I were you, I'd sit down with your mom, tell her you know everything about her affair because you've heard the OM (other man/your friend) bragging about it since it began, so either she can tell your father right now, or you're going to hand him a note you've written detailing everything you know.

I would basically copy and paste your post and tweak it a little bit (it's sad, but very well written, but I don't know how your dad would feel about this story being posted right now), and just give that to him to read and process. It might be a lot easier and a lot less awkward to read it than for him to sit across from his son and hear about his wife having sex with his friend.

I'm so sorry you're in the position PNash. Keep reading and posting. Consider therapy because this is an incredible mindfuck your mom dropped on you. And know that none of this is your fault or your dad's fault. He was in the same marriage as she was, but did he cheat?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 3:08 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

beenthereinco posted 11/30/2018 15:13 PM

I'd add also that you should point your dad here. Don't tell your mom about this place. He can get some help here.

WilliamM posted 11/30/2018 15:58 PM

Wow. This is I am so sorry your mom placed you in this situation. I will share my 2 cents for what it is worth. I would tell your mom that you know about her fair. I will tell her that you know the guy she is having an affair with, where he goes to school, and that he has personally told you details about the affair. I would tell her that you know that you have your Aunt, her sister, lying for you. And lastly, I would tell her that you better tell your dad about the affair right now or I will tell him everything I know. But before you do that screen shot the pictures on that POS Facebook page so you will have proof of the affair. But that is just me.

Atrowspark posted 11/30/2018 17:26 PM

I would suggest informing your father directly. The reason I say that instead of confronting your mom is because she may plead, beg, or bribe you not to tell your father once you confront her. Unless you are strong enough to not cave in if she does that, you will become complicit in enabling her affair.

I don't know how I would react in that case, I'd rather not deal with it so just informing the father would be the easiest IMHO.

Smillie posted 11/30/2018 17:34 PM

Tell your Dad everything.

Buster123 posted 11/30/2018 21:22 PM

Tell your DAD right now, if you don't you are being complicit in your Mom's A, your MOM destroyed her M not you, your mom betrayed him (don't do the same) and is exposing him to potentially life threatening STDs, she CHOSE to CHEAT, tell your DAD all you know without telling your mom first, there are plenty of witnesses that you know.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:40 PM, November 30th (Friday)]

PNash posted 12/1/2018 04:21 AM

Thanks for all your replies and advice. I wasn't able to login last night to check the replies as I wasn't really in the mood to switch on my laptop. It seems I've become somewhat paranoid about the situation. Mom and dad had apparently had some sort of an argument yesterday just before dinner and weren't talking and I was shaking all the while thinking if dad somehow found out. Turns out it was an argument about a weekend trip dad had planned but mom had said no as 'she had a lot of work to catch up on' that had piled up while she was 'away looking after her sister'.

However, early morning I had decided that I'd take the advice of some people here and send an anonymous email to dad. I still did not have anything to show for it as they pics are no longer there as the guy has made his profile private, but I thought I should at least still let dad know hence I sent it. I'd probably also send another anonymous email to mom and hat guy too saying that she should either end it or come clean. I still haven't been able to develop the heart to confront anyone in person. I've always been much more attached with mom compared to dad, as I guess most guys are. She had always been there to support and comfort me, specially during the time I was going through my relationship issues. She seemed to be all composed and sorted about these things that it is still so hard to believe she would decide to do something like this. And I, even after knowing everything, just cannot bring myself to talk to her like that in person. I know I love my dad too and never want anything wrong to happen to dad too, that's why I've decided to send emails to my mom and him as well. I'm still in 2 minds to some extent as I'm hoping it ends up on its own or mom comes to her senses and it doesn't have to get any bad, but the fact that she had been assuring him that they'll figure out something about her being married so they can be together suggests she may have already thought about breaking it off with dad to be him openly. Though I don't understand why she'd even think about being with him and give it more importance, even in thought, to her marriage. I think I needed to send the email to dad so at least he is prepared if it ever comes to that. But, at the same time I still can't shake the feeling that I have helped them by doing this and it might just quicken things up and not leave any chance for things to back to normal on their own. I'm now paranoid since the morning every time I see dad thinking if he's seen the message, how is going to react etc. I'll probably head out and go to one of my other friend's place or just somewhere out of the house to try and calm the nerves and come back later.

I had never thought even in my wildest imaginations that mom had such thoughts about her marriage with dad. I mean they've always been mom & dad. Obviously they had the occassional argument but that's normal among couples. I would never had thought mom actually thought this way about it. And it's the thought of what would be the outcome of all of this that also scares me. As bad as it would be for dad, I'm not sure how I'd handle this myself too. If mom and dad end up breaking up because of this, that would mean mom and that guy get together, which would mean my friends would come to know that the woman that guy is with is actually my mom. I'm still scared of logging on to FB and have been avoiding my friend because of the fear that someone may have recognised mom from those pics or he might already know that, and I don't know how to face that situation if it ever comes to that.

We do have a mental health support center at our Uni but I'm not sure if that's the right place to get advice on something like this. That is if I can even get past the awkwardness of talking about all this with an actual person. It is much easier to post on the internet, hence I posted it here.

Atrowspark posted 12/1/2018 04:40 AM

The message to your dad would carry more weight if he knew it was from you instead of an anonymous source. In my case anonymous emails go straight to the trash can.....

I hope things turn out okay for you and your family in the end.

ibonnie posted 12/1/2018 07:19 AM

Hey PNash,

I think a lot of the posters are giving you advice as they would to someone that knows about an affair, and kind of forgetting that these are your parents, your friends, and even though you're legally an adult, when things happen with your parents, quite often you still feel like a kid. They're the real adults in this situation, and should know the right thing to do, right? But the catch-22 is that you can't ask mom or dad for advice in this situation. The older you get, the more you realize no one ever really feels like a grown up and assumes that people older than them must feel like real grown ups and have life finally figured out.

Sometimes adults still make really shitty, immature choices. And an affair is one of the shittiest, immature choices someone can make. There's a whole psychology behind cheating, and many cheaters follow the same pattern. Check out Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

I mean they've always been mom & dad. Obviously they had the occassional argument but that's normal among couples. I would never had thought mom actually thought this way about it. And it's the thought of what would be the outcome of all of this that also scares me. As bad as it would be for dad, I'm not sure how I'd handle this myself too. If mom and dad end up breaking up because of this, that would mean mom and that guy get together, which would mean my friends would come to know that the woman that guy is with is actually my mom.

Obviously I don't know your parents, but if I had to guess, I'd assume your mom was disatisfied with life. Rather than examine why and try to change things, she might have just blamed her marriage. This is called "rewriting history," and many BS (betrayed spouses) are SHOCKED to hear about how awful their marriage has been, and for how long it's been terrible. This is because the WS (wayward spouse) needs to justify their bad behavior, and it's a lot easier to cheat if they focus on every single negative aspect of their partner/marriage, and only focus on the fun/exciting parts of their AP (affair partner).

My WS said I "never wanted to go out and have fun anymore," meanwhile we had an infant at home that was waking up every two hours to nurse, not sleeping through the night, and I didn't even have a chance to shower every day. So um... maybe going out to a bar 'til 4am every weekend when we couldn't find a babysitter wasn't exactly on my schedule. Many WS take normal marriage problems and rather than talk about them and come to a compromise or solution with their BS, just use it to villify them.

In reality, if your parent's marriage was really that bad, your mom could have sought counseling (either for herself or marriage counseling) or asked for a divorce. However, her marriage probably wasn't that bad, maybe she was bored, maybe she was dealing with empty nest feelings, who knows? It doesn't make seeking out a stranger on Plenty of Fish right.

Anyways... for many WS, it's a slippery slope and compliments, attention and an ego boost quickly turn into a full-blown affair. And for many, the AP is so different than the BS. Your mom probably loved your dad for many reasons, so she sought out someone completely different -- young and exciting. She probably figured it was something that made her feel good, and she convinced herself she never had any intention of cheating in the beginnging, just wanted to see if she was still attractive to other men.

I'm hoping it ends up on its own or mom comes to her senses and it doesn't have to get any bad, but the fact that she had been assuring him that they'll figure out something about her being married so they can be together suggests she may have already thought about breaking it off with dad to be him openly. Though I don't understand why she'd even think about being with him and give it more importance, even in thought, to her marriage.

Do you really think if she had divorced your dad and was living an honest single life, her first choice would be a university student younger than her own son? Has she thought through what happens if/when he wants children? Or considered the fact that her child(ren) might never accept this person as a step-parent?

Telling an AP that they'll figure things out is straight out of the "cheater's handbook." (Not a real thing, but so many cheaters follow similar paths, that you see a lot of similarities in stories posted here.) Your mom is either trying to buy time and stringer the OM along, or she doesn't want to figure things out. Most cheaters want both -- the steady, dependable love of their husband/wife. The respect of their family, the comfort of their home. But they also want the extra sex and excitement of the affair. They want to have someone that tells them they're so wonderful and amazing and can't live without them, ignorning the fact that they're really liars that are hurting the people they claim to love the most.

Affairs thrive in secrecy, and many BS are scared to blow the lid on that, because they feel like it's only going to push the WS and AP together. The irony of the situation is that there are things you can do to make affairs more difficult to thrive in, but they all feel like they're going to do the opposite. Exposing the affair is one of the best things you can do. That forces your mom to stop playing both sides and make a choice. And maybe she'll choose the AP, but by not having to make a choice right now, what she's doing is "choosing" both, and continuing to slowly destroy her marriage. The sooner this comes to light, the better chance your parents marriage has of surviving. But... there's a lot of variables here, none of which you can control.

I'm now paranoid since the morning every time I see dad thinking if he's seen the message, how is going to react etc. I'll probably head out and go to one of my other friend's place or just somewhere out of the house to try and calm the nerves and come back later.

Your dad wouldn't be the first BS to receive an anonymous message, bring it up to their WS, be fed some crazy story and believe their WS is telling the truth and not cheating. Then the WS takes the affair underground and goes through greater lengths to hide it.

Tell your dad you feel really awkward and horrible but you sent him an anonymous email, and it's true, you just didn't know how to talk to him about it.

Alternatively, consider reaching out to your aunt. Tell her you know about the affair, it's killing to you know, and you need her to talk to your mom and tell her to fess up.

We do have a mental health support center at our Uni but I'm not sure if that's the right place to get advice on something like this.

I don't know how much advice they could give you about your specific situation, but this is a very traumatic experience for many people. Becoming anxious or depressed is common. Many people go on antidepressants to deal with panic attacks. Being unable to sleep or losing a good deal of weight is common. If you start to experience any of these symptoms, know you're not alone. Please go talk to someone.

And lastly, look up Soulmate Schmoopie videos by moonlocks on youtube. I don't want you to think I'm making light of your horrible situation, but this is the reality for many BS/WS/AP. It's insane how many people experience situations like in those videos. Affairs are nothing special, and if you study the psychology behind that, you'll see.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 7:30 AM, December 1st (Saturday)]

ChamomileTea posted 12/1/2018 08:12 AM

If you feel like you need proof before you inform your dad, you are well positioned to get it. Several times now, you've been informed of your friend's plans to meet up. Just take your camera-phone and go to his place when you know she'll be there. Video record the encounter.

This puts you into a position where you can give her an ultimatum, either she confesses or you intercede. As things stand now, from the moment you saw those Facebook pics, you are as complicit in this deceit as your aunt is. So, if we're keeping score, your father's wife, sister-in-law, and now his son are all betraying his trust.

I'm sorry for the position you find yourself in. You didn't do anything wrong and you don't deserve this. But the choice is a stark one, black and white, not murky shades of gray. Will you continue to be complicit in your father's betrayal or not?

LittleBigThings posted 12/1/2018 08:31 AM

Please, tell your dad.

[This message edited by LittleBigThings at 12:13 PM, December 5th (Wednesday)]

Cooley2here posted 12/1/2018 08:33 AM

The reason I suggested telling your aunt is because she will tell your mother that you know. Your mother will then have to make a decision about her life. Unlike the president of France most young people do not stay with their older, very much older, girlfriends. I donít even understand why women stay with much older man. It makes no sense to me in either direction. Your mother is living in her own fantasy world right now and it has nothing to do with reality. This is not the mother that you knew growing up. It sounds like she is very dissatisfied with her life. It probably has nothing to do with your father and everything to do with her age. A lot of people in the middle years look at what they thought they were going to be and found out they never were going to be that person. That might be what has happened to your mother. She has chosen a horrible way to fix it because it fixes nothing. When you talk about your parents having minor arguments what did they argue about?. If they both work, and they both like their jobs, her dissatisfaction must be coming from something else and I would guess that it is because she feels like she is losing her youthful appearance. What a complement for a younger man to pay that kind of attention. He is also living in a fantasy world but his is based more on physical satisfaction and I would imagine your mothers is based on emotional satisfaction. I agree with the others you need to get out of this mess. It is not your mess and it is not your responsibility. Whoever you tell, whether itís your aunt or your father, you need to tell someone and then go back to school and let them handle it.

yearsofpain25 posted 12/1/2018 09:21 AM

Hey PNash. Very sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone. Iím currently waiting in the dentist office and will post more later. Iím also a betrayed child (BC) and my sitch is very similar to yours. I discovered my moms affair and had to expose it to my father. Iíll post more details later.


DeWittle posted 12/1/2018 10:41 AM

Tell your dad immediately with the info you have. Take him to your mateí s flat where they are staying. Blow theríre fucking world up. You donít have to prove anything to your dad, just take him there and heíll see it with his own eyes.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 12/1/2018 10:59 AM

Please tell your dad, even if you just hand him a print of this conversation. Don't tell your mother you know. After you tell your dad let him handle it from there. let him know you support any decisions he makes but don't become his counselor or confident. I have a feeling my son knew or had an idea of my H cheating but I was too blind to notice. I brushed off what I now know were hints from him that something was going on that shouldn't. after I finally found out on my own I felt so bad wondering if he had been carrying that weight on his own wondering when the shoe was going to drop. I will always wonder about how much pain he has as a result of this. He has to be told and don't tell her you know, if dad does then fine but this isn't about you and your mom its about her and your dad. My H was so deep in the fog he as far as me and my son were concerned we were both baggage that he resented. please don't tell her and allow her to pull you in as an accomplice.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 11:00 AM, December 1st (Saturday)]

annanew posted 12/1/2018 13:15 PM

Send this story to your Dad. If you keep this secret from him, heís going to feel betrayed by you, as well as by your mom.

Iím so sorry, but donít lie to your dad, and call out your aunt on covering for your mom too.

Your mom is going to be acutely ashamed once she realizes her boyfriend has been telling you about sleeping with her. At least, I hope she is. But your priority right now is to make sure no one makes a liar out of you. You seem like a good person.

Bigheart2018 posted 12/1/2018 14:18 PM

Dear PNash,

Iím sorry that knowledge (of your motherís affair) has brought you to a Y in the road and you have a choice of either informing your father or keeping quiet. It is my opinion; you should inform your father ASAP. I know this is a delicate position, but I believe you are up to the task. You have been placed in a position of defending the character and integrity of your family. I know sometimes, the best decisions are the hardest to make.

Today, if I were you, I would ask your father to take a drive with you, and drive to a quiet place. The quiet place would be a good venue to inform him of his wife (your mother) infidelity. The quiet place would give your father to an opportunity to vent before confronting his wife. Also, let him know the other members of the family that has betrayed him by knowing and keeping the affair quiet.

This is only my opinion.


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