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Filling the void the affair left

Doglover84 posted 11/17/2018 21:16 PM

What did you guys do to fill the void where the adrenaline rush was of the affair? Iím reading books, counseling etc. but what did you do to get rid of the boredom and uncomfortable feelings of not having the affair anymore?

Barregirl posted 11/17/2018 21:46 PM

I focused my time and attention on my BH. I didn't let myself get bored. If I wanted to text someone, I texted my H. If I wanted to call someone, I called my BH. If I was in the mood, I initiated sex with my BH. All of the feelings and attention I had from the A was there for the taking with my H. When I wasn't with my H, I spent time healing the issues within myself and thinking of how I would prioritize my BH.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 11/18/2018 07:52 AM

My husband and started working out together. We would start our day in a healthy way...together. Eight years later and it is still part of our routine. I spend a lot of my energy focused on my family and my job.

I also developed a hobby with cake decorating. Itís a fun way to be able to express myself.

This is a great time to figure out who you really are. Find healthy ways to get the validation you crave.

pinkpggy posted 11/18/2018 07:55 AM

I walked a lot. Spent time with friends that would listen. I found a long pod cast with an in depth story and litened to that on my walk or while I was at home. I cried a lot. It was hard not to staying in your head. It gets better with time.

hikingout posted 11/18/2018 08:22 AM

Like the others have said exercise was a very big one for me. The endorphins were and are extremely helpful and it always makes my head clearer and makes me feel mentally stronger.

Creating new experiences for me and my husband.

Cultivating my own joy though actively practicing mindfulness and gratitude.

Finding new passions that make me
Feel accomplished and satisfied.

Taking good care of myself and reminding myself that I am worthy.

Realizing that what was created by the affair was just fantasy life that was not helping me create the reality that I want. You need to dream a new dream.

pinkpggy posted 11/18/2018 08:36 AM

I think it's really hard to find your passions and feel accomplishments and gratitude when you are in this mindset. Maybe months and months after. Remember those early days? It's HARD.

I want add it's fully ok to not shower and sit and cry and ruminate on what the hell happened with eating handful's of peanut butter filled pretzels. That's part of the process too. Allow yourself to feel uncomfortable, antsy. Realize the depth that the affair took over your life. How much time you wasted in it.

Over time it will start to feel less tense, you won't be as anxious, your mind won't automatically go there. But it does take small steps every day to get there.

hikingout posted 11/19/2018 08:12 AM

But she has been on this site saying itís over since April.

And while I was miserable and up in my head I started a gratitude journal in the midst of my first month mostly because IC said so.

The only problem with laying around and ruminating is often is continues to make you the center of your own world and it causes more damage for the bs who needs the attention to be on what you are going to do about it.

I do agree on the mindset and how hard it is but I just donít think wallowing fixes anything. I didnít feel better until I started taking action so I advise it as early as someone can muster it.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:13 AM, November 19th (Monday)]

Zugzwang posted 11/19/2018 17:00 PM

Honestly, I think fear took over filling a void. Fear of losing something more important than an adrenaline rush. Filling time. Cook for my family. Read more. Took over the bedtime routine. In time, learn how to build up my self confidence in healthy ways. What I achieve instead of what other people gave me. What I could give...? Depends. As long as it isn't being used as a commodity.

EvolvingSoul posted 11/19/2018 18:01 PM

Hi there Doglover84,

For me it was not just the affair feelings but the huge amount of time I had devoted to being with AP. I realized pretty shortly after D-day that I was going to need to find something wholesome to fill up that time. I started container gardening. I had always been really bad at growing plants and it turned out that the reason was that I always had expected to just do the bare minimum and have the plants thrive. I would forget to water them and never gave them proper nutrition and when they died or didn't bear fruit or flowers I just chalked it up to me having some kind plant curse and that I just couldn't grow them.

After D-day I put a lot of effort into learning about what each kind of plant needed and I paid attention to them every day. I got good fertilizer and learned about soil Ph and found a way to measure it. As the plants flourished, the deck became my happy place. Sitting in the sun surrounded by mostly successes and having fresh herbs and vegetables was a great source of positive reinforcement.

At some point nurturing the plants became a metaphor for nurturing my relationship with BS and so I learned a great deal from them about more than gardening.

And yet...

Eventually I discovered that it wasn't enough to just fill up my time to distract from boredom and uncomfortable feelings. Boredom and uncomfortable feelings are not abnormal. They're not a sign that something is wrong. They are part of being human. Trying to find a way to shut them down is how I ended up having an affair in the first place. Instead of trying to "get rid" of those feelings, consider trying to change how you relate to them. Learn how to let them be acknowledged and felt and pass without getting too focused on them.

Meditation has helped me so much in this regard. If you don't have a practice I hope you will give it a go. Try it daily for a season and evaluate at the end if it's helping. I use the app Headspace which is terrific. It's a subscription service but the first 10 sessions are free so you can just get a taste for how it feels. Also the teachings of Pema Chodron have been really helpful. Her book "How to Meditate" is a great place to start and she also has a lot of free stuff on You Tube.

Hang in there, fellow traveler. It takes a long time to rewire your brain but you are 1000% worth the effort.

Best to you from this EvolvingSoul.

pinkpggy posted 11/19/2018 18:27 PM

^^ exactly. Try to live in the feelings and not pushnthem away. Learn how to feel without having be be on that high from the affair.

Root posted 11/25/2018 07:14 AM

I learned it was ok to be bored. My kids are bored a lot and somehow they survive. Lol

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