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Dating question for the guys

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CharliB posted 11/16/2018 07:36 AM

I am in a new dating relationship, almost 3 months. I really like him and no red flags as of yet. I don't see him as often as I would like. He lives and works an hour and a half away but has a place to stay closer on wkends. We had a discussion about the frequency of how often we see each other. He feels once/ week is enough. I feel like I need more than that.( at least twice) All of the women in my circle of friends agree that once/week is not enough.
My question for the guys is: Would you be content only seeing your lady once/week?

devotedman posted 11/16/2018 07:47 AM

At the 3 month point? Probably.

That depends on how interested I am though, and I'd probably be expressing some frustration to her.

And- an hour and a half each way is a 3 hour round-trip from work to GF to home. That is a significant and unmaintainable amount of travel per day. To me, anyway,

Personally, I would not date someone who lived more than 30-45 minutes away just because of the travel time,

My thoughts, they only apply to me and my situation. Remember that and good luck!

[This message edited by devotedman at 7:53 AM, November 16th, 2018 (Friday)]

CharliB posted 11/16/2018 07:57 AM

Thanks Devotedman,
That definitely helps. He knows it is going to be an issue going forward so it gives him a lot to think about and me too. Now with winter upon us ( snowstorm today), it could be possibly two weeks before I see him. Yes, I find it too far away. I need to decide if I want to keep investing in the relationship. It's by far the best one I've had so far.

Phoenix1 posted 11/16/2018 11:07 AM

Not a guy, but just to throw a female perspective on the LDR (long distance relationship) thing, SO and I have been together for five years now. We live an hour apart. He is retired, I am not (thanks Xhole). One of his enjoyments in his well earned retirement is traveling. So he does it a lot. I also travel quite a bit for work. Sometimes we can sync up our traveling, but usually not. Given that, and the one hour living distance, we often go quite lengthy periods in between seeing each other. Unless we are traveling together, seeing each other once a week is about our norm. Right now I haven't seen him since mid September because he is off gallivanting across the country, indulging in his hobbies, and I won't see him until after Thanksgiving because I am traveling just as he is returning home.

I say all that to give background for our relationship, and to say it works for us. However, it only works because we are both on the same page. If I needed to see him more often, it simply wouldn't work. Or vice versa. We knew all this from the beginning so it wasn't something that sprang up over time.

I am perfectly content seeing him infrequently because I thoroughly enjoy my alone time. I think of this relationship as a permanent part-time situation. At least for now (never know what the future will bring). And that gives me the best of both worlds - plenty of *me* time, yet being in a committed relationship. So it is not just the menz that may be "okay" with such an arrangement.

Ultimately, it must work for both parties, or it is doomed to failure. If you need more time together, but he cannot/will not give you that, then you need to really think seriously about whether to invest more time into it. Better to acknowledge that it is just not a good fit in the early dating stages.

Good luck!

nothisfriend posted 11/16/2018 11:22 AM

Another female perspective...

I'm in an LDR. BF lives 2.5 hours from me, but spends his summer and weekends in camping season just 1 hour from me. On weekends we meet at the campground and during the winter we alternate going back and forth to each other's houses. It works for us. I met him during the D, so I felt like I needed the alone time to learn how to live by myself and rebuild my life. I love my alone time, but I am so eager to see him every weekend. We spend our vacation times together and talk on the phone every night. A good morning text and maybe another one during the day. It keeps us going. We spend the week counting down to the weekend

He will retire in 2.5 years and move closer to me, maybe even into my house. That is how we are leaning right now, but we both are kind of introverted and need our quiet time. When we spend a week together we work great, but living together is a whole 'nother animal.

Especially as you are rebuilding your life, make sure that it is not revolving around/absorbing this other person. It's great if he fits in, but pushing for more togetherness might not be best for your recovery. JMHO.

LilBlackCat posted 11/16/2018 12:27 PM

Well, if there is a difference in expectations.. You may have a problem.. but how you solve it depends on how you view your relationship.. imo.

Your friends sounds like they want you to dump him and be single again.. Is that what you are looking for? Then the answer is simple.

Is he someone you feel is worth the effort?
If so, have you mentioned to him about possible options? Like you traveling more frequently to him?

If he pushes back, being against such an option.. Then you may a different issue at hand.

Good luck

CharliB posted 11/16/2018 12:44 PM

We have discussed the option of me travelling to see him but that's not what I signed up for. I hate long distance driving especially in Canadian winter, however, I am a reasonable human being and I like him a lot. I have a lot of thinking to do. I still don't feel ready to break if off. I've been clear about what my issue is . We agreed to discuss it further and both know that issue will not go away.

nothisfriend posted 11/16/2018 13:47 PM

Open communication is definitely the key. How you guys handle this will be a guideline if your relationship continues. If you can work together on a solution that both are satisfied with that's great. However if one feels that they have caved and is taken advantage of then that doesn't bode well for the relationship.

One thing I've learned through this hell-storm of infidelity and D is to not rush decisions.

LostHope8008 posted 11/16/2018 13:52 PM

It's by far the best one I've had so far.

I could be way off here, but from this statement, it sounds to me like you are settling. Like, he's the best of the worst? I know that from a guys perspective, or at least my own, traveling a couple of hours to be with my GF, spend time, have awesome sex, etc, is not too much trouble. If he is saying no, it might just be that you are more into him then he is into you? Again, I could be way off. Did he just get out of a M? Did you? Young kids involved? These can all play a factor. Good luck CharlieB!

CharliB posted 11/16/2018 14:11 PM

I don't think I'm settling. He is 6 years out of his marriage. I am 3 years out. Our kids are all over 15. I have met his parents and his brother. We come from similar backgrounds and faith. He is a great guy and it's just the distance/time issue.

I.will.survive posted 11/19/2018 05:27 AM

I

don't think I'm settling. He is 6 years out of his marriage. I am 3 years out. Our kids are all over 15. I have met his parents and his brother. We come from similar backgrounds and faith. He is a great guy and it's just the distance/time issue.

This reads like "the facts" instead of "the one" to me. I say this because I am dating someone that lives 45 mins from me (not a big deal) but it does usually lend itself to spending just weekends together. Which is totally fine with me, but not necessarily with him.

Are you in love with him? Is he the partner you would love to be with forever? Or are you like me....I love him, but don't want to marry him. He makes me happy, but I know it's not a forever thing.

If you guys aren't on the same page, there is going to be conflict about the frequency of seeing each other. If HE is the one that is ok with it, that would worry me just a bit, to be honest.

I hope you can decide if he is EVERYTHING you want him to be and worth waiting on to see if he changes his mind on how much time he wants to invest in you. Read that again. He's choosing not to invest more time at this point.

CharliB posted 11/19/2018 05:51 AM

Thankyou I.W.S,
You have amazing insight!
This is exactly what concerns me. I am torn between ending it and giving it more time. I have backed off a bit and I think he is worried. He has stepped up the calling and texting over this wkend ( time that I feel we should have spent together). I have decided to give it a few more weeks. We have some things planned to do together this coming weekend and into Dec. He is very aware of my misgivings, so he won't be shocked if it doesn't work for me. I do really like him but not in love at this point.I don't think I have had a chance for that to happen yet.

Booyah posted 11/19/2018 08:04 AM

An hour and a half away isn't that big of a deal.

I can only speak for myself (obviously) but if I met a woman that I really liked I would be wanting to see her more than once a week. Especially if things were going good after dating for three months.

Are you sure he isn't seeing anyone else (or keeping his options open)?

CharliB posted 11/19/2018 13:09 PM

Booyah,
That thought crossed my mind but I dismissed it as I felt I was projecting my fear coming from a marriage wracked with infidelity.
I had that frank discussion with him and I felt he was telling the truth but lets just say I have been duped in the past. He is also a BS, so I am hoping that he wouldn't lie to me about this but I can't be 100% confident. I may never be.

barcher144 posted 11/19/2018 13:50 PM

There is literally no correct answer for this. Insert any specific issue, like sex, housing, etc.

What do you want? What does he want?

Can you reconcile the answers to those two questions?

edited to add: What if you were happy with seeing him once a week? Then, the situation would be perfect for you both!

[This message edited by barcher144 at 2:09 PM, November 19th (Monday)]

TrustGone posted 11/19/2018 14:14 PM

I had a relationship with a SO (now husband) who got a job shortly after we met that was 2hours away. He promised to come to my place every weekend and he did just that, but first he asked me if it was something I could live with. Since we had only been dating a short while (4 months) I agreed. We spoke daily and I was fine with that. He was there about 6 months, then he moved to the corporate office which is only an hour commute and we got engaged shortly after he moved in with me. He still does the hour commute both ways every day. He loves his job and he loves that I am home everyday. The LDA worked for us because it gave me my own time and it improved his career and retirement.

It can work only if you both are willing to compromise and are on the same page. If you require more time, then it will not work unless you are willing to commute or move closer together. LDR can be hard after infidelity. If my husband had lived that far away when I met him, it would not have worked for us long term.

Also do not let the fact of him being a BS determine if he is a good guy. My XWH#2 was a BS, but that didn't stop him from becoming a WS and worse than XWH#1 had ever been. Good luck in what you decide to do.

Booyah posted 11/19/2018 18:23 PM

I'm glad to hear you had a "frank discussion" with him about this. Trust your gut.

CharliB posted 1/8/2019 06:35 AM

Update: We dated for another month. We didn't see each other often but seemed to get into a rhythm and had plans. We had a couple of really good dates and the distance became less of an issue. Then boom: His brother was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer
I wanted to be there for him but I think our relationship had never had a chance to strengthen and develop to the point where he trusted me to be there for him through it. He broke off the relationship and I have not really heard from him since. We are still connected as friends through fb.

EvenKeel posted 1/8/2019 07:06 AM

Awww - I am sorry Charli! Break ups suck!

Sometimes it is the right person but the timing is wrong. I am a firm believer in what is meant to be, will be. I know that doesn't help you feel better right now though.

What did he say when he broke it off? Just that he needed to concentrate 100% on his brother?

CharliB posted 1/8/2019 07:22 AM

Yes, he told me he needs to focus 100% on his brother and from what I can see, he is doing just that. I think if he saw a possibility for us, he would still keep in touch but he hasn't. I am distancing myself now and feeling ok about it.

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