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Had to give up on my DS

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Aasha posted 9/17/2018 02:14 AM

Long story short. My ex had a LTA affair for more than half our 21 year marriage. My DS's found out about the affair first and had to tell me about it. They were 16 and 12 at the time. Tried to reconcile 3 times, failed, divorced 8/18.

It took 3 years to finally get divorced. My sons got increasingly violent and angry during that three-year span of time. Both children have become verbally and emotionally abusive towards me and there have been physical altercations where they have hit me, shoved me and pinned me to the floor. I should never have rug swept that kind of behavior but I didn't know what to do, I really thought we all were hurting badly and it was just the negative by products of the three-year long struggle from his affair and the divorce.

I have suffered with severe depression during this time and struggled to find the right prescription to help me with the emotional and mental issues I was/am facing. Recently I had a break down and my youngest DS told me he wished I was dead. I believe I have severe PTSD caused by the LTA and the extreme level of betrayal.My once positive mental frame of mind is completely gone, my self-esteem is 0 and my confidence is 0. I have done the best I could under the circumstances, but my two DSs have gotten progressively worse and particularly worse since the divorce was finalized in August.

My youngest DS has turned very violent and has destroyed my house. There are at least a hundred holes in the wall where he puts his elbows, fists and knees through the drywall. He refuses to help me do anything around the house he will not do even basic chores to take care of himself. He will get mad if there isn't the kinds of food in the refrigerator that he wants to eat (heaven forbid he actually cook something for himself!). He has destroyed my custom-made wood cabinets in my kitchen. He cusses at me and verbally attacks me every chance he gets. I have had him in counseling and he'll go a few times and then he'll quit, saying everything is better. The "better" lasts for just a few days and then he goes right back to being violent and angry and abusive of me.

Both of my DS's have struck me, and both of them verbally and emotionally abused me just like my ex used to do. In many respects it's actually worse since it's coming from my children.

Tonight I made the decision to ask my youngest DS to leave and go live with his father. Despite my best efforts to keep him in our house, in the schools that he has been in for the past 8 years, I simply cannot deal with it any longer and I have to ask him to leave. I am in agony knowing that he has to leave. I am in fear for my safety and my house is being destroyed bit by bit piece by piece and there's nothing I can do about it. He refuses to go to counseling. He refuses to go to the psychiatrist to consider medication to help him with his violence. He and his father blame me for everything, they both blame me for the affair!

It's absolutely destroying me knowing that I have no other choice but to have him live with that POS. I simply don't know what else to do. My other son is 19 and I'm most likely going to have to ask him to leave as well because he doesn't do what he's supposed to do. It's a little easier having to face that situation with this DS because he's 19 and legally he can leave.

I am just absolutely distraught and I can barely function. This POS has robbed me of everything, he stole my past my present and my future, he undermined the Integrity of my belief system and I don't know who and what I am anymore because of who and what he was/is.

Sending either of my children to live with that POS is absolutely not in their best interest. But I just do not know what to do. It's to the point where I was going to call the police the next time one of them struck me or caused damage to my house.

On top of all of this I have started a new job and I have been trying to concentrate on balancing work and home life. But what's the point my home life sucks, his divorce has cost me everything and now I lost my children too.

He won, he got it all. I have nothing left. I don't care about anything anymore. And there are nights when I go to bed and I pray that I won't wake up in the morning just so the pain will stop.

[This message edited by Aasha at 2:43 AM, September 17th (Monday)]

Justincase posted 9/17/2018 04:22 AM

You ABSOLUTELY are doing the right thing. You should not live in fear, even if they are your children.

This may sound harsh but, sell the house, get an apartment in a secure building. Let them go live with POSXH and take their anger out on him...and they will.

If they ever physically abuse you again, call the police. Sounds like only professional intervention and ramifications of bad behavior may be the last hope.

EvenKeel posted 9/17/2018 07:21 AM

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Please stop beating yourself up!!!!

You did nothing wrong. If your DS's will not live by your house rules, then they do not get to live in your house.

You have tried way longer than most folks would/could. The first time he put his hands on you, should have been the last.

DO NOT FEEL guilty about what you did. When we raise our children, we are preparing them for the real world. You DS has to know there are unacceptable behaviors and results if he doesn't follow rules.

I know this is breaking your heart, but you are doing the right thing.

May you be able to find long needed peace and safety in your own home.

PS - Go to Lowes are get some spackling/sand paper and slowly start repairing those holes. It will make you feel better.

northeasternarea posted 9/17/2018 07:38 AM

(((Hugs))) You deserve peace in your own home. It is time for you to take your life back. You are not giving up on your son; you are showing him that actions have consequences. Donít ask him to leave, tell him he is leaving.

Ratpicker posted 9/17/2018 08:28 AM

Aasha your heart is totally broken over all of this. It is going to take a long time to heal. It is a horrible, hard decision to make but it is really the only option. You have to save yourself. There is no way to heal from this while you are living like that. Do what you have to do to save yourself, be patient with your healing. I pray that your family can get to a healthier place but you have to break the cycle first. Take it one hour at a time.

TrustGone posted 9/17/2018 08:46 AM

I had to do the same with my DS and XWH#1. He hated XWH#2 and often told lies to get XWH#1 riled up. He eventually went to live with XWH#1 and his grandparents when he was 14. I hated it, but there was nothing I could do and therapy was a waste of time. I spent 6yrs trying to get him under control but nothing ever helped after his weekend visit with his father and grandparents. He blamed me for the D because I filed. He never knew about his father's escapades as I was told not to tell him by the courts and counseling.

Unfortunately we still do not have a relationship. I hated it because he was always such a Momma's boy before the D. I just pray that one day he will grow up and realize that I still love him. It is hard, but we all do what we have to do to survive.

It sounds like you have no choice in the matter. They sound like very troubled boys, who need a wake up call to get them to act right. You should not be putting up with the abuse. You can't heal as long as you are in this situation. I know it hurts, but you have to look out for you and your home. Show them the door. (((HUGS)))

better4me posted 9/17/2018 10:07 AM

You're not giving up. You are setting a boundary. You are teaching your sons that their actions have consequences, even if those consequences are delayed.

both of them verbally and emotionally abused me just like my ex used to do

Much of what your sons models their behavior after comes from what they saw, heard and learned before the age of 7. Was there verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse going on then?

This POS has robbed me of everything, he stole my past my present and my future, he undermined the Integrity of my belief system and I don't know who and what I am anymore because of who and what he was/is.

Please believe that your X hasn't robbed you of anything. Your memories of the past may be tainted by the A and his behavior, but your past is still your past. Your present is affected by your son's behavior and their actions, but it isn't stolen from you. Your future is not yet written, and you can make your future different from what you feel is inevitable by making some difficult changes. Just like you have done by setting this limit with your youngest son.

I urge you to get some counseling for your own mental health. You have been through a very stressful period. You are braver and stronger than you realize. A competent therapist can help you with your confidence, how you view yourself and most importantly on what actions you can take to positively affect your future.

There were many days when I didn't want to wake up in the morning also. I promise it gets better.

fadedrainbow posted 9/17/2018 11:59 AM

Aasha, I sent you a PM

Cheatee posted 9/17/2018 13:00 PM


I'm so very sorry you've had to deal with all this.

Often, the children are afraid to channel their anger at the unstable parent. They feel "safer" channeling their anger at the steady parent. This is one of the many cruelties of infidelity.

It sucks, but you have done the right thing. Over time, it's quite likely they will see things in a clearer light and will re-connect with you.

SoHappyNow posted 9/17/2018 15:02 PM

My heart just goes out to you, dear!

You are making the only choice available to you. You simply MUST survive this. For your sake and also for the sake of your sons. By sending them away, you remove the possibility that they could permanently injure you, or worse.

There is a sound reason why airline attendants tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first, before assisting others. You can't help anyone, no matter how much you love them, if you yourself are incapacitated.

You are also, by sending them away, teaching your boys that they have been making the wrong choice. That lesson may take quite a while to sink in.

Please get yourself to IC and practice all the self care that you possibly can! A good massage if you can afford it. Eating right. Plenty of water. A nice walk. New nail polish. A note on your mirror saying "Hello, beautiful!"

I know it ssounds silly, but small things CAN help! I am holding you in the light, Aasha.

[This message edited by SoHappyNow at 3:03 PM, September 17th (Monday)]

annanew posted 9/17/2018 18:30 PM

Wow this sounds horrible. I'm so sorry.

It's to the point where I was going to call the police the next time one of them struck me or caused damage to my house.

You should have done this. Maybe you still should? I actually think this may be a better option than sending them to dad. I don't know for sure, a criminal record is nothing to sneeze at, but if you called the police you'd be standing up for yourself in a way that they might actually be waiting for. Maybe they're trying to make sense of the disconnect between their home life, where their mother accepts abuse on a regular basis, and the world outside home, where behavior like that is not tolerated at all.

It's also possible they are mentally unbalanced in a chemical sense, which they might have gotten from their father. In that case, there's not much you can do and sending them to their father is the best bet.

Cooley2here posted 9/17/2018 18:35 PM

It sounds like there is a genetic component to their behaviors. The affair might have triggered something in your sons but they were already tinder waiting for the match. I suggest getting psychological/psychiatric evals done on both. This is so beyond normal grief that you need to treat it as a form of mental illness.

Aasha posted 9/17/2018 21:05 PM

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and respond. You're advice and concern is very much appreciated.

I have an IC appointment with a family counselor scheduled for this Wednesday. In addition. I plan to have my youngest DS undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Our insurance is horrible and I've been trying to find a local psychiatrist to have him evaluate. However no one will work him into their schedule. Unfortunately that forces me to take him over an hour away to the next major health insurance market/big city so I can get a psychiatrist to evaluate him while being covered under my plan. He was in special education for emotional disturbance, and has undergone a lot of evaluations with the professionals at his schools. There are no indications that he has any kind of a mental disorder, he just has poor coping skills and Anger is his go-to emotion.

I still plan to have him evaluated in case what I'm seeing now is the presenting of a mental disorder that has manifested as he has matured.

I am praying that meeting with the counselor this Wednesday will be what is needed to get this ship turned around.

This is not the new beginning I had hoped for!

EvenKeel posted 9/18/2018 07:01 AM

I am glad you found someone who can do the evaluation though. I know in some areas an hour away sounds far for a doctor but in my hick-area, that is the norm

I don't know if you are in an area where there are colleges that do this test, but that was how we got it done. My DS spent an entire day undergoing various tests, etc and the fee was income based. I can't remember now what I paid (so long ago) but I think it was between $100-#200.

I am really surprised his testing so far did not indicate a level of ODD?

Again, I am sorry you are going through this. BUT stay firm in your boundaries. It is the only thing that will keep you sane. Well maybe

steadychevy posted 9/18/2018 18:48 PM

I'm so sorry you have this additional trauma to deal with on top of betrayal. The first thing that jumped to my mind was wondering about alienation. Nonetheless, more shit for you to deal with. Hopefully your son can get the help he needs. Well, both sons actually. You can't let them strike you and just let it ride. Escalation is an issue. As tough as it is for their Mom sometimes love just has to be tough. Again, I'm so sorry for your situation. Trying to send you strength.

Maclou posted 9/19/2018 12:08 PM

I know someone who went through a very similar scenario. Her two boys moved in with her WH because she couldnít manage their anger and blaming. One was gambling and stealing and the other was shouting and threatening. They both held her responsible for the affair as their father had blamed her.
After living with their father for a while they started to see their fatherís flaws. Itís taken a long time but her two boys are now back living with her, have a great relationship with her and have a very casual relationship with their father.

Hoping that it all works out for you in the end

PeriodicZen posted 9/20/2018 11:57 AM

Children don't see many things that we, as adults, find obvious and clear.

Your kids have been exposed to a toxic environment where it was OK to hit you. They will go, see for themselves that this is NOT your doing, and perhaps, come back to your life with a little more maturity and awareness.

It is horrible, but also imagine what the XH has been telling them? At this point it is about making sure they don't hurt you; you have to survive, and perhaps that strength will also give them a place to return to, at some point in the future.

We model to our kids how we accept to be treated. You are setting up healthy boundaries, and they will catch up on this, even if it takes a while.

Be strong take care of yourself, and remember that in an emergency, "put your oxygen mask on before putting the oxygen mask on your kids."

The1stWife posted 9/22/2018 11:02 AM

Maybe living with their dad is the best thing that can happen.

And you are not obligated to have them return living with you.

If they cannot or will not behave - then YOU need to protect yourself.

crazyblindsided posted 9/22/2018 13:46 PM

(((Aasha))) you are doing the best thing for yourself and your sons by setting these boundaries. The pain is palpable through your post. You have been through far worse than anything I have ever seen on SI. You are so important. Your health is important (I am realizing this myself) and I hope peace finds you and envelopes you. You deserve all the peace and happiness in the world after everything you have been through. I'm so sorry

Aasha posted 9/22/2018 19:36 PM

I finally had my youngest DS leave the house. I advised XPOS what was going on, and he unceremoniously came the next day and took my son. Without any preparation, without any warning nothing. Unfortunately that is not the best approach for my son, he has always been a child that needs preparation before any major changes. he told my youngest DS that I wanted him out of the house so badly that it had to happen quickly. Azzhat!

Both DSS's went with me to counseling this past Wednesday, it went pretty well. However my youngest son was incredibly angry and the counselor could see it, hear it and feel it just as I have every day for the past 3 years.

The oldest DS got a job and has been in IC. I can see he is making efforts and I have more hope things might improve for him. I have little hope of any improvements with youngest DS anytime soon.

Youngest DS was home yesterday "pounding" through the house gathering things he needed to take back with him to XPOS's house. He is very angry and he cannot have a civil conversation with me about anything. Today I called him to make arrangements to help tutor him because he's failing a math class. I am a math teacher and have always helped my children with math at home, NOT XPOS he never even helped with homework unless I made him. DS apparently did not like the way I was talking to him and he hung up on me. The way things are between the two of us right now is so tense neither one of us can have a civil conversation with one another.

He obviously is still very mad and conflicted about this whole thing. I have told him I cannot continue to live like this, having him beat the crap out of the house, having his anger out of control, being afraid for my own safety in my own home. I told him I had no choice but to ask him to leave and I would hope he could appreciate the time away and think about what he needs to do to get his anger control. I asked him to think about what we could work on to improve our relationship, and think about what we could discuss in family counseling next wee. He basically wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't reply to my texts which I send 5-6 times each day and he won't return any phone calls. I basically wrote him off totally today when he hung up on me. I texted him and advised him that was the last time he would ever have the opportunity to hang up on me like that again. I will not text him nor will I call him from this point forward. I'll just wait until he's ready to talk to me. There's absolutely nothing more I can do except continue to offer family counseling. I don't believe my DS will be able to forgive me for the choice I made to protect myself and my home. He's too much like XPOS. DS does not respect me or my authority (which was discussed with him by the counselor) and I honestly believe he feels no love for me any longer. I feel terrible for admitting it, but the tension in the house is gone and I am excited to begin to heal myself.

My heart is broken and the psychological burden of my decision is weighing heavily on me, I feel like I've lost everything. After I found out about the affair the only thing that was important to me was my children, the only thing that matterered was getting through this sh*t show together, healing us and moving on to a happier, healthier existence. Now I've lost my youngest DS for good. He does not forgive or forget. He has punished me nearly 10 years because I had him placed in Special Education, even though it was the right choice for him. He told me last night after he collected his things that he holds me partially responsible for the affair and the destruction of the family. If that is what he truly feels after all the talking, counseling, support and encouragement I gave him since the affair came to light, I have no hope in being able to salvage a relationship with him. He has spent 10 years punishing me for placing him in Special Education, how will he get over this???

I just don't know when I am going to stop being a victim of XPOS's stupid selfish self-centered decisions to cheat on me and his family. I fear I will never truly be free from the effects of his betrayal(s).

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