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Life after infidelity, how do you handle AP's?

Tripletrouble posted 9/7/2018 22:09 PM

I have one of those personalities that put people at ease, and people tend to open up to me and spill their secrets. I don't pry, it just happens. So over the last five years, I've had 3 different friends confide to me that they were OW's. None of them knew my story at the time that this information was unloaded. All 3 of them are women I like, two are coworkers, and I have been left feeling funny about the friendships.

Only one of them has expressed remorse, and it is more about selling herself short than about the damage done to the BS.

One of them married the AP, and he beats her. Some prize.

The 3rd has also said she has wasted a part of her life on a dead end relationship, but not expressed any remorse for the hurt she caused the BS. This is a person I really, really liked and have had trouble reconciling this with everything else I know about her.

This post has been forming in my mind for like a year. I'm curious what healing has looked like for others who have moved past the rage and into a new normal. Unfortunately, infidelity is so common we cannot simply decide we will not have any AP's in our lives. They are everywhere!! Do you call them out? Do you simply avoid? Do you forgive? In the early days I would have wanted to scream in their faces. Now I just don't know. And of course, there are countless others who simply haven't divulged this information.

SuckaNoMore posted 9/8/2018 02:35 AM

You establish boundaries with them. Would you keep quiet if the same friend came over for coffee and pulled out some coke and cut up lines on your kitchen table? No.

Would you keep quiet were the same friend to discuss with you how she burned her children with cigarettes when they got a bad grade on a math test? No.

You decide what is acceptable behavior from those you have in your life.

josiep posted 9/8/2018 08:26 AM

If someone confided in me that they'd been an AP, I'd use that opportunity to mention what I went through and to stress that although they didn't technically owe the BS anything, here's what it does to the BS. I say we all rise up and start educating in a kind way, especially when we can tell our own story of our heartache and pain that lasted so long, of our triggers still, and etc.

I truly believe in the goodness of people and I think if more people understood the pain it inflicts, I think fewer of them would do it. Obviously, there are those who have no empathy and can't get it so our effort would be futile. But that conversation and how they react is a good window into knowing whether you want to continue a relationship with that person.

yuvas posted 9/8/2018 09:04 AM

I agree with Jossie, I think most people are good, some make bad decisions but it doesnít make them irredeemable.

Itís okay to like someone whoís been an AP, I struggled through this after my exH affair too when someone I was close to disclosed that she had been. For me it wasnít so much that I was disgusted or angry, more that I felt like I was betraying the betrayed or even myself by remaining her friend.

In the end I think more people change and see the error of their ways through kindness- itís ok if you want to remain this womanís friend who k own what sheíll learn through you.

Heart posted 9/8/2018 11:07 AM

I think it depends on the person.

For example if someone told you they like to steal wallets, you would not leave your wallet laying around them.

I have known women that the moment they saw I was interested in a man, they were offering him a service. Now thatís the kind of woman that you keep a distance from.

If the cheater seems remorseful, then perhaps they have learned something along the way. If they donít have remorse, then are they still cheating or open to do it again? I donít think I would want to hang out with them. It would drag me down.

EyesOpened50 posted 9/13/2018 04:21 AM

Josie's post hits the nail on the head!

Maybe with perspective, some real advice can be given if requested to help them and there spouse - hopefully to address the situation!

If there's no resolve and they are still cheating, time to leave them to it!!

cancuncrushed posted 9/20/2018 10:43 AM

After infidelity, trust has become important to me...utmost....which probably leaves me in a lonely place in todays world...see my outlook after infidelity?

Starting over, I think my natural response will be to stay away from cheaters...not only do they trigger, but I would have zero trust in a friendship...It wouldn't grow...I would instantly see them as liars, manipulators etc....not just what they did to a family....I don't want friends like that...Im trying to better myself...better my experience here....I have learned my lesson with cheaters...and wont knowingly repeat any part of it... in addition, conversation would be lacking...respect would be hard to come by.

This doesn't mean I would never talk to them, or reject them means I wouldn't invest in a close friendship..

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 10:45 AM, September 20th (Thursday)]

I.will.survive posted 9/21/2018 05:30 AM

This doesn't mean I would never talk to them, or reject them means I wouldn't invest in a close friendship.

I agree with this. I met a woman through a small group she was leading for divorced women. After a few weeks, she revealed her reason for divorce and it rocked me to the core. I never thought for a second there would be an OW leading the group, I assumed they were the betrayed like me. I told her one on one what I was feeling and listened to her express remorse. Not exactly towards her ex, but for what she had selfishly chosen.

I am still friends with her and it's been 3 years. But I keep her at arm's length. We text and keep in touch and occasionally meet up, but it's just a different type of relationship for me, knowing her past choices and how she felt at the time like she deserved to make herself happy.

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