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In 1994 my WW left me for the brother of a coworker. I discovered who she was with and began research. I recalled his name from about 20 years before...he was fired for embezzelment from where my 1st wife had worked....that was 1975.

In 1993 he had divorced his 4th wife...I asked my WW if she had knowledge if he had been married before...she said 'yes...once many years ago'. I gave her a dossier about him with the names/phone numbers of the previous 4 wives. She called me a liar..I said 'well ask his sister'. WW asked the coworker/sister...she said 'you need to ask Jay about that'...she was dumbfounded..it was over instantly...we have worked things out during these past 24 years.

In the past month I discovered Jay had remarried in Oct 2017. I was curious so I researched marriage records at the courthouse. Since 1994 he has married two more times....wife number six in Oct. 2017. The really interesting thing....regarding the question on the licence...list number of previous marriages...the numeral ONE appears....should be numeral FIVE.

So I obtained copies of all 6 marriage licences...and 4 of 5 of the previous divorce decrees. In divorce no. 5 the IRS confiscated $62,000 of his share of the sale of their residence...as PARTIAL PAYMENT OF DELINQUENT BACK TAXES...PARTIAL...HE OWES MORE.

He and wife no 6....(she thinks she is wife no 2) bought a house about 4 miles from where we have lived for 22 years.

Next week....Donna...(wife no 6) will receive an updated dossier...she likes working in the yard of their new house...have seen her in the yard almost daily....so I will pull up when she is out...introduce myself...hand her a 9×12 unmarked envelope...and say...'Donna you are going to find this information very enlightening'....

Any comments or other ideas?...

[This message edited by nlwsrw at 12:01 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]

Include the name of the divorce attorney as well.

Poor woman.

Normally, I would say butt out. But if I was poor wife #6, I would want to know the truth. And if some stranger handed me an envelope like that, I would be ever so grateful. Surely he plans to use her to either pay his debt, or sucker her into shared responsibility.

She needs to protect herself financially and hopefully immediately file for D based on fraud.

Well, I think it’s important she know the truth of her life. In your shoes, I might approach her a little differently. What you plan to say seems, to me, unnecessarily callous. She doesn’t require the karma, and is going to be devastated if, in fact, she IS learning her life is based on a lie.

Your approach seems likely to elicit a response you may not have considered: if handed a dossier by someone who’s glib about its contents, she may discount them. Oh, I don’t mean she won’t believe them, necessarily. Her defense mechanisms may kick in, though, and she may make the messenger the bad guy, the one who blew up her life. Given a manipulative liar for a husband, she may find herself in a very painful us v him (“him” being you) situation—more closely aligned with the real bad guy in the situation. I’ve been in those shoes, and it’s a real —pardon the expression–mindfuck.

It’s very likely she already has some sort of gut feeling about her husband. She may know more than you think. (It’s also possible she knows and is okay with it.)

I’d reconsider HOW you tell her. I’d introduce myself, explain how you know her husband and why you’re interested (the damage he’s caused you and others, perhaps, and the wish to protect Donna from some of the same)—and apologize for seeming to be the guy who blew up her life on a random Tuesday. Then I’d give her the dossier with a very brief description of what it is; it’s SCARY opening an envelope from a stranger! With the dossier, I’d include a letter that reiterates how you’re related to her and your motivation for telling her. (Yeah, it’s about revenge, but it’s okay to tell her it’s about ensuring she have the knowledge necessary to make informed decisions about the path she takes in life, because that will be the outcome). Details of your convo will evaporate as soon as she sees the contents; a letter may be very comforting if she becomes confused, as some of us do. (Years of gaslighting have profound impact on mental status, once a trauma like this is experienced.)

And then, I’d make the contents of the dossier as sterile as possible. Facts with as much evidence as possible. It sounds like you have that covered.

Again, I think telling her is the right thing to do. Just don’t become the bad guy who pushes her closer to someone who’s not healthy for her.

And then, let go of outcome. It’s not apt to be as satisfying as you hope, but it’s still right to give her the info. (Keep in mind she may know, and be all right with it, too. You have to manage your expectations of how this will serve YOU.)

Exactly...while researching courthouse records...wife 6 received a $ medical settlement (value unknown from records) in 2011. She is 53...he is 68 this year. She has 29 yo daughter...the house is substantial...his previous residence was 1800sf 3 bdrm. Donna needs to protect her daughter's future...he is a 45 year 'sociopath'...2 of 6 wives left with significant debts after divorce. Wife no 2 divorce referenced 'permanent protective restraining order' in divorce decree. Fourth wife divorce required the return of her heirloom bedroom furniture valued at over $15,000.

Solus

There is a one page letter...how I know him...1st wife working were he embezzeled..story of my present wife and marriage lie...also phone numbers of 3 wives with their permission...and my 1st wife's cell no.

And yes..at the introduction I plan to emphasize protecting her 'assets' going forward...true narcissist...she may have NO gut feeling...my wife did not in the 8 months...just charming man..saying and doing all the right things...I spoke with all 4 early wives...none knew until it was too late...there is some vendetta in my motive (he be furious...he was when he read the dossier I gAve my wife in 1994...she saw his true personality)..but a lot of 'information for future protection'...and yes I am very prepared for his reaction...have never met him...but he called me in 1994....one thing he is NOT....is CLEVER...

PS....all of the marriage licences...no2 thru no6 listed ONE as the number of previous marriages...meaning 3, 4, 5, and 6 were out right lies...current wife no 6 has no clue...he certainly would not lie in Oct 2017 with listing 'ONE' as previous marriages and have a change of heart in the past 7 months...admitting to 5 previous marriages...the first untruthful marriage licence was no3..listing one in 1983...actually two at that time...35 years of lies...

[This message edited by nlwsrw at 2:17 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]

Sounds like an okay plan, but maybe you want to do it anonymously??? Include all the evidence and a letter with everything you have to say about this guy and have it sent to her (if she has a job this is your best bet) and require a signature so you know she received it. You could send a couple if you want (ie: one to the house, one to her job if she has one)

Going to his new wife directly could bring this guy back into your lives and you have no idea to what extent if you go down this road. You have no idea what kind of blow back this could bring you and your wife if you don't play things carefully. You also don't know how the other wife will react.

Definitely give her all the evidence, but I don't see the need or benefit for you to introduce yourself or tell her who you are. Especially when this guy lives just a few miles from you.

If this was an active affair or recently ended, then I'd say a face to face would be recommended. But it sounds like it's been 24 or 25 years since your wife's affair. I would think you'd try not bringing that type of drama back into your life and your marriage if you can avoid it.

Again I'm not saying to not tell the other man's wife. I think you absolutely should. But do it in a way that can't be linked to you or your wife.

[This message edited by JS84 at 3:15 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]

I think you should be prepared for a possibly very different reaction than you expect. I don't think "Donna" will see you as the Good Samaritan trying to save her from financial ruin. I think she will see you as someone who has spent a great deal of time tracking every detail of a man who had an affair with his wife 24 years ago. She will likely view it as an unhealthy obsession. She might even fear what you will do next if your dossier doesn't have the desired effect.

You clearly feel you need to do this to satisfy some hurt that hasn't been healed after all these years. I don't think it has anything to do with compassion for "Donna". Be sure to have a game plan in place if you find that once you've pulled the plug, you don't feel any better than you did before. I'd be sure to have my counselor's number handy.

Does it hinder your ability to respect your wife knowing she left you for such a loser? She didn’t see through any of his bullsh*t? I’d have a ton of trouble with that. I don’t know how I could ever respect her again. Especially if she actually left me.

Js84/charity

The information regarding wives 1 thru 4 was covered in the 1994 dossier my wife was given. He read it...she didn' believe it....but he was caught red handed in 1994....so he will know the source. The info for wife 5 was discovered when I searched for the marriage in Oct 2017. A friend told me about the Oct 2017 marriage...I assumed it would be no5...but decided to look back from 1994...discovered no 5 was in 2000...separated in 2006...divorce final in 2011. Then searched court documents...found divorce no5...IRS seisure...then looked up all divorces...found all but no1. Found judgments of garnishment for alimony, protective restraining orders, auto title manipulation, loan collection orders, order to return confiscated family heirloom furniture of substantial value.

Then I looked up court records for wife no6...discovered she received what appears to be significant medical judgement $$ in 2011....then the marriage licence for no6 listing '1' as previous marriages...so Charity that is the 'key' that Donna likely needs to become aware of the potential outcome.

Yes Charity...while my wife and I have truly reconcilied..I harbor ill will toward this narrcistic sociopath. A friend retired in fall of 2017...ran into the sociopath at his retirement party...my friend despises the sociopath after having worked with him for 25 years...found he had married in oct...told me...he knew the situation in 1994...I have never seen the guy...have not looked him up since 94.

If Donna has significant assets, and a 29 yo daughter...she and the daughter deserve to have background...maybe she knows everything...ok...then she can protect or not protect those assets....

Actually I rather was pleased to discover that the sociopath is still a sociopath...confirms the definition of sociopath...psychopaths are born...sociopaths are made...they practice to become better...no remorse...

I get that you found this information over a period of years. But "Donna" is not going to have the benefit of that information, unless you put it in this dossier. I was a betrayed spouse, so I have the benefit of knowing the pain you have been through. You don't know that she has that same perspective. So if she's just and average woman who thinks she's happily married, quite honsestly, she's likely to think the volume of this research is extreme, given the affair ended 24 years ago. I would think that if it were me. But that's just me.

If I were in your shoes, I'd give her a list of places to look for the information you found, and then leave it up to her as to whether or not she wants to find out. If your motive is to warn her for her and her daughter's own good, you will have accomplished that. Then walk away from it and concentrate on the relationship that matters. The one with your wife.

If your motive is to get revenge on the OM, then your plan should suffice as is.

Well I think the fact that he's been married 6 times, and his current wife only knows about 1 or 2 marriages is the main thing OP is trying to expose. True she might not care as much about an affair that happened two and a half decades ago, but if he gives all the information it would point to a bigger picture of what an asshole the guy really is.

But ya I do agree, when you approach the wife try to keep in mind that you're dropping a bomb that will completely change her life, and not for the better in the beginning.

I know you want to deliver karma to this guy but there's a woman who has no idea that her marriage is about to explode. Just try to be sensitive to that and don't drop the hammer too hard on her.

This idea is like every other high risk decision taken without due consideration to the potential magnitude of the consequences. Unless you know this guy like he is your best friend, you have no idea how lethal or toxic his response to your blowing up his current M will be. Really. You have no idea. If he is only half crazy as it takes to be married six times it is at least twice as crazy as in needed to fuck your life up.

You get absolutely nothing from it and you put a great deal at risk. Don't be the guy giving a nice informative honk to the driver that cut you off as he is likely to be the guy that follows you home and takes a tire iron to your head.

It's been 24 years. It's not about his wife, it is about a hope that his wife will cause this guy trouble, which is the real objective. I say it is just a bad idea, if only for the entirely unnecessary level of risk.

[This message edited by DIFM at 7:28 PM, May 5th (Saturday)]

The reason you are after this POS is because you never had closure with the affair your wife had. It was swept under the rug. Revisit the affair with your wife. Get the info you need from your wife to get closure. Let this man go.

Great job!!!

Keep moving forward!!!

Does you wife know?

When does it stop?

If he finds another fiancee after this one will you be there too?

This guy is such a loser but for 24 years he's seemingly been constantly with you, so much you've now invested so much time and effort into doing this.

I kinda think it's a bit creepy, especially the seeing her in the yard everyday thing.

Anyhow to each their own.

Does it hinder your ability to respect your wife knowing she left you for such a loser? She didn’t see through any of his bullsh*t? I’d have a ton of trouble with that. I don’t know how I could ever respect her again. Especially if she actually left me.

I have to agree with Cincy.

Your wife CHOSE to leave you for a loser 25 years ago. For whatever reason, you actually let her come back home when she came crawling back with nowhere else to go. I guess she found out Mr. Wonderful wasn't so wonderful after all. I'm just being honest but in essence, that made you Plan B. I say that because what if Mr. Wonderful HAD been as wonderful as she thought?

Would she have come back home then? That's the $64,000 question most BS's need to really ask themselves before letting these cheating traitors back into their lives.

Nlwsrw, that whole shit show is on your wife - everything that happened was your wife's choice. This creep didn't hold a gun to her head. It really looks like you've made it your mission in life to stalk this guy and have misdirected ALL your anger toward him instead of placing it on the shoulders of the person who earned it.

I'm getting the impression that the only way you could let her come back home and still be able to look at her back then was to transfer all your hurt and anger onto this guy's shoulders and talk yourself into believing it was all HIS doing and your wife was some kind of innocent victim.

Jesus, stop stalking this man and systematically pulling all his marriage licenses and poking your nose into every facet of his life for the last 20+ years. You're not doing ANYTHING to be a 'good Samaritan.' You're just feeding 25 years of anger and resentment that you're afraid to dump on your wife so you stalk THIS guy instead and direct all your hurt and resentment at him.

Read WillimM's post about 200 times.

Then read it 200 more times.

I think this is awesome. OP has moved on, reconciled, only found out about this from a friend. I think he’s a hero to let this poor woman know who she’s dealing with. I hope I would be this honourable if I knew about a similar situation.

Be gentle with her OP but make sure she knows!!

nlwsrw,

I personally think that what you are trying to do is commendable. If it prevents others from being hurt and abused, then you have done them an enormous service.

What others have failed to realize is that you have only just researched about him within the last month, after being informed by others. Not watching his actions for the last 25 yrs.

If your thread would of been about 'why should you let her know', there would be detractors posting about that.

The essence here is your desire to prevent someone being hurt.

Good on you.

I think this is awesome. OP has moved on, reconciled, only found out about this from a friend.

Where did you read that. The OP stated:

In the past month I discovered Jay had remarried in Oct 2017. I was curious so I researched marriage records at the courthouse.

He "discovered", nothing about being told by a friend.

It is surprising that, even with the many stories of terrible drama that has been created by doing this kind of thing, and the tragedies in the news every day of people reacting to what they see as threats, that anyone would want to voluntarily subject themselves to the possibility of harm, harassment, and life disruption.

Sure. Blow this guys life up for your wife leaving you two decades ago. Everyone knows he is a jerk. Just be prepared for the potential chaos and drama you may create in your life.

[This message edited by DIFM at 7:42 AM, May 6th (Sunday)]