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Alexis13 posted 1/19/2018 04:45 AM

Well I asked him last night while laying in bed why my car was the way it was after he used it.... he had some explanation about my water bottle sliding under the passenger seat but still it makes no sense. Then he kinda chuckled and said I was “ridiculous” to which I replied “don’t laugh at me. It’s not funny” then I went on to say “what was I supposed to think? You were home over 2 hours late and then I find my car with the seat reclined and pushed all the way back and the things I had on the floor in front of the seat were chucked into the back. He quickly jumped to how I didn’t really have anything on the floor of my passengers side seat. But that’s about as far as it got. I also mentioned how insecure I feel some where in the conversation. But that was that. It went no further. I mean at least I got that much out. It’s better than nothing at all AND I was clear that I suspected the worst (cheating) right away.
I guess in my case this is going to be major babysteps.
Progress not perfection...

NoMercy posted 1/19/2018 05:49 AM

Alexis, the truth is, for YEARS he's had your permission to do whatever he wants with absolutely zero consequences.

Zero.

All he knows is this: when he has an itch and the money to have it scratched, all he's got to do is schedule in one of the many hookers he has access to. He couldn't care LESS if you're pacing the floor because he's late, he couldn't car LESS that you worked hard to have a nice dinner waiting for him and it's slowly drying out on the hot plate, he couldn't care LESS that his selfish pig activity puts YOU at risk for STDs, and he couldn't care LESS how hurtful it is to you every time he does it.

THAT'S the 'amazing' man you keep falling on the sword for.

All he knows is that he can have playtime with one of his many hookers and when he's been satisfied, he can come home and there you are - anxiously waiting for him to walk through the door like an eager puppy dog, desperate for a pat on the head and so grateful that he's finally home. And he knows all he has to do is raise his voice if you dare to question what he's done, and you'll go right back to being submissive and grateful for his presence.

That's what he KNOWS about you because that's what he's LIVED for the last 9 years. Why the hell WOULD he change if he doesn't have to? He's got it made - all the sexual variety he can stand, and a housemaid, laundress, cook and wet nurse at home to cater to all his creature comforts. He's living the dream. Why on earth would he stop doing what he's doing?

And I have to be honest with you. He has no respect for you at all. I mean, that's obvious since he has no problem continually cheating on you and lying to your face every single day for years. But how can he respect you when you don't even respect yourself? He sees you as weak and needy and so desperate to cling to him like grim death that you're willing to continually swallow your pride all in the name of 'love.'

I know you don't want to take anyone's advice and I know we can't make you change your mind or do anything differently and that nothing's going to change. But it's pretty obvious that you prefer to make excuse after excuse for your crappy and ineffectual therapist whose done nothing positive for you, and make excuse after excuse for why you continually worship a lying serial cheater who has absolutely NO respect for you at all.

Is world hunger your fault too? How about the unrest in the Middle East - your fault? Can we also blame you for global warming as well? Holding you responsible for any of these things is ludicrous - just as ludicrous as it is to blame you for your crummy therapist and your rotten, nasty, abusive, serial cheating husband.

I may have missed seeing it in this thread, but I'm assuming you're severely co-dependent.

You're not going to 'fix' anything. All you're doing is setting a horrible example for your kids day after day after day. If you think having a mother whose constantly walking on eggshells and frazzled as hell every day wondering if her no good cheater will be home on time and having a meltdown when he's not, you'd be very wrong. And if you think they can't see how you continually disrespect yourself in order to pander to someone who has literally no respect for you, that's what you're teaching them is a 'normal' relationship/marriage.

Stop making excuses and find a therapist who can actually HELP you. Continually making excuses for why you're no better off emotionally than you were 9 years ago is ridiculous and more so, does nothing to FIX your broken spirit.

Alexis13 posted 1/19/2018 08:47 AM

@NoMercy

Idk how to even reply to your post... I feel like I’m half an inch tall now and I feel like you’re saying I’m a bad mother. I never have meltdowns in front of my children. I am very present and happy with them. They are everything to me. And yes my husband means everything to me as well. I may not be ready to confront him but this doesn’t mean I’m a bad mom. I’m actually an excellent mother.

Idk what to say. I came here hoping to talk to others that have been through this too and could understand. I don’t want to feel feel worse about myself and my situation though. Nor do I want to be told indirectly that I’m a bad mom setting bad examples for my kids. :( I know I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I’m not ready to speak up just yet. I’m trying to get there. I had hoped coming here would be a positive experience and a place to talk about what I’m going through and somewhere that I would feel comfortable. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this was a silly idea. I am starting to feel that because I’m not speaking up and because I’m not angry and bitter that I’m being viewed as a bad mom for it. That’s not who I am. I’m not a bad mom. I’m not a bad person. I love my family and that includes my husband. I just wanted to find my voice. I thought maybe this would help me get there but maybe I was mistaken. I’m sorry.
Thank you for your time everyone. Best wishes...

annb posted 1/19/2018 09:29 AM

Alexis, you came here seeking advice.

The first thing you need to do is get out of infidelity, you are not willing to do that.

NoMercy is a bit harsh, but she speaks a great deal of truths.

What she is saying is good moms protect their kids setting an example of HOW NOT TO BE TREATED AND DISRESPECTED. What happens if your husband becomes diseased with something that is passed to you then your kids? You are not protecting them from this harsh reality.

We've all gone through this hell but we've gotten ourselves out of it. One way or the other. Gently, you seem to be wallowing in self-pity, knowing your husband is a liar and a cheater and uses family money to pay for hookers.

You don't have a marriage. You have someone who pays the bills and has a place to lie his head at night. It breaks my heart that you are willing to accept this because you love him, but unfortunately he doesn't love you. His actions prove it. He doesn't love his family bc he puts them at risk. Suppose one of these hookers is a bunny boiler and goes after your family. There are so many nutty people out there.

He mocked you bc you asked him about the seat. That's abuse, and you just let him get away with it. You know he was probably f*cking a whore in your car, and you let it go.

What do you want us to tell you? You've gotten great advice, we've spelled out the horrific reality of your situation, and you continue to tell us you love him and make excuses. He sucks as a husband and a dad. He's putting your lifein danger, and that's ok?

Seriously, why don't you take a small step and find a GOOD counselor? You are living in this nightmarish daily hell, and you don't seem to want to do anything to get out of it. Nothing changes until you do something about it.

What really makes me sad is that you are fearful to confront him. If and when you do, you know he will lie and deny, and unfortunately you probably will accept his outlandish explanations bc you love him. Your love is blind. You love the person you thought he was, not the person he IS.

Do you have family or a trusted friend you can talk to?

xhz700 posted 1/19/2018 09:51 AM

I’m sorry I’m not ready to speak up just yet. I’m trying to get there

So, what might help? What are you looking to get from your time here?

I don't think you are a bad mom. I don't think that's what NoMercy was trying to say to you either.

For years I was the same as you. If someone would have come along and given me the playbook, I wouldn't have been able to understand it, much less live it. It took me going through the wringer myself to get to where I am right now.

Anything that anyone says here is their best version of what they think might work for you. You seem like you are a strong person at a very fragile time in your life. You know that what you are doing now isn't working for you, and you are trying to figure out what might work for you, and how to gather the courage to do it.

NoMercy was enlisting your love for your children to help you find that courage.

We can give you the playbook here. We can encourage and support you through your process. You must be the one to start, though. And only you know what your start looks like, and when you are ready.

Alexis13 posted 1/19/2018 13:53 PM

I just don’t know what to say anymore.... here on this forum or in my real life. 😞 I’m lost, confused & feel really alone. I’m sorry I’m just not quite ready to bluntly speak up to him yet. I know I need to but I’m scared to death of it and all the what if’s that may follow. 😞
Anyway thanks for listening and best wishes to you all....

xhz700 posted 1/19/2018 14:02 PM

Well, you're welcome to stay here and read/post until you have a plan. Perhaps watching others come through with similar situations might help you find your voice.

dontsaylovely posted 1/19/2018 14:16 PM

Alexis, I think you're in so much pain right now your sensitivity level is high. We've been trying to gently show you what you need to do. NoMercy gave you the tough love version; nowhere do I read in her post any indication that you are a bad mother. She said you are setting a bad example as a role model for your children to see a mother walking on eggshells around their father and suffering anxiety over whether he'll be home on time or not. Big difference if you can view that through someone else's eye.

I'm sure you are an excellent mother and your children know they have your unconditional love. But children learn from what they see and the dynamics of their home atmosphere. As a role model do you want your daughter to grow into an adult thinking her mate has all the say in the house? Do you want your son to grow into an adult that thinks it's normal to disrespect women? Those are examples of bad examples.

When I was in IC dealing with my SAWH betrayal we delved into my family background and his family background. Something (can't recall what now) non-infidelity related came up that he thought was acceptable and I thought was outrageous. Counselor gave me an exaggerated version of FOO (Family of Origin) influence that hit home for me: If you grew up in a home where everyone had Cornflakes with pee for breakfast that is what you think is normal. I hope that helps you see that some behaviours are not healthy for role-modelling.

You found the courage to mention the car seat to your H. Good for you, that's a start. But, he knows you noticed but he gave you an excuse, you appeared to accept it so he thinks he got away with it. Zero consequences = zero change.

We all get it, many of us look back and wish we had done something differently. We either didn't get the help we needed when we were at your point or we did get help and have everlasting gratitude for the help we did receive. Any which way we want to help others in pain. You don't need to apologize, we are helping you of our free will. But we can only do so much over the internet. I know just being able to safely vent is invaluable but you really, really need to find a counselor to work with you on backbone to speak up and mean it - with boundaries. I don't see your husband hitting rock bottom until he truly believes he could lose his family.

StopSpinning posted 1/19/2018 14:48 PM

alexis13

Just wanted to offer some words of encouragement here.

When I first started posting here, I too received a response from NoMercy that set me back - Shocked me actually and I wondered just what kind of support I was receiving here and if it was right for me.

I've come a long way since that time and can say with absolute certainty that although I felt it harsh at the time, NoMercy's advice and commentary was truth. I often search for her posts and replies because the advice is so spot on - although sometimes it feels like ice water being thrown in my face. In time, I think you might see that, too.

Peace to you.

marji posted 1/19/2018 21:10 PM

Alexis Im afraid I do not understand at all your feeling you need to confront your H. You seem to be putting time and effort into a matter that seems irrelevant.

While I see no need to confront, I don't know why you are afraid to and frankly find it hard to imagine being able to avoid it. I think most of us confront quite regularly, sincerely and dramatically; we shout, we scream; we ask question upon question; some of us cry; some throw things. Some of us kick them out; some of us walk away. We curse, we storm. And then ask some more questions. But there's no reason for you to confront. Don't thing that would make you any happier with your life. In fact maybe your emphasis on that keeps you from doing things that would make you happier.

Alexis, do you ask yourself why, how you feel love for someone who is mistreating you and your marriage? Do you ask yourself why you continue to work with a therapist who seems unable to help you move away from anxiety and sadness and toward a better, healthier life?

No, don't think it's about you confronting him but maybe you confronting yourself. Asking how you can stomach living with such an unethical, immoral, unhealthy person? It's not about you confronting him but about you doing all you can to find a better, happier, more serene way to live. You deserve something much, much better than a husband who uses family funds to spend time with prostitutes.

Alexis do you have anyone in your family to turn to? good friends?

You keep apologizing to people here talking about people here being fed up with you. It's just an on-line community where people are free to post and read and respond to whomever and whatever they want. No one is fed up because any involvement is totally voluntary. We know each other only virtually--no reason to be fed up. And if someone, for whatever reason, felt his or her posts were not helpful then they would just not bother. So totally no need to apologize to anyone here and absolutely no need to think you have to please, impress or satisfy anyone here.

We just respond and try to be of some help. You are expressing great unhappiness and fear; it would be great if you could find a really good counselor who could help you find a better a way to a better life. Don't think it's about confronting your H but rather seeing your H clearly and being able to see that you truly deserve much better.

Alexis13 posted 1/20/2018 07:37 AM

Thank you for your replies. I know I don’t deserve to be cheated on and lied to. I get that. Deep down inside I know it’s not my fault even though on the surface I’m still blaming myself. I know I should be speaking up. I know I should get angry - even though by nature I’m not an angry person. I know these things. But I want to believe that eventually if I can speak up that maybe we can can actually work through this. I do love him. I don’t want to walk away. I just wanted to find my voice so I could find the courage to speak up and say I know what’s going on. Then hope we can get professional help together and work on our marriage. I have faith still. That’s all. I’m just scared of the what if’s. I don’t know what else to say at this point. I’m sorry if I overreacted to the one post where I felt I was being told I’m a bad mom. I’m just extremely sensitive at the moment. It doesn’t take much I guess.
Well, I best go. Things to do and places to go.
Thank you again for your kind words and I’m sorry if I’m a bit overly sensitive and take things to heart too easily. I appreciate that there’s a community like this. I’m just unsure how I fit into it right now. I want to. I need someone who understands me.
Thank you again everyone.

Oftencheatedon posted 1/20/2018 08:41 AM

Real life example of children raised in a cheater’s home:
My ex married ow and has been actively cheating on her almost 40 years. They have a son and a daughter in their 30s who are both screwed up losers. Parents are highly educated professionals.

Biggest issue for the kids according to people who know them well is that the hypocrisy,lies, and gas lighting left them with a fuzzy concept of integrity. The son thinks it is okay to have a little on the side. The daughter thinks all men are cheaters so she is promiscuous to not be a doormat like her mother. Sad.

Alexis13 posted 1/20/2018 09:04 AM

My kids are little. Well under 12 anyway. I NEVER show any sadness or any insecurities about their father or myself or our marriage in front of them nor would I ever. My kids are active, smart (both honor students since grade K) and both extremely talented in the arts &/or athletics. Obviously if they found out it would be devastating. But I’m not letting that happen. I would never say a bad thing to them about their father. Not ever. That’s their dad and they absolutely love him to pieces. This is my private issue I’m trying to understand, cope with & figure out how to handle.
However I see what you’re saying and I’m also very aware that kids are a lot smarter than we tend to give them credit for. But I’m doing my best and they’re happy, healthy & well cared for. They’re also emotionally stable and just all around well balanced great kids.

Anyway, thank you for your reply and I’m not dismissing what you’re saying. I know I have to be careful on how I handle everything.

marji posted 1/20/2018 09:22 AM

Alexis wow--your kids sound amazing and your post about them is amazing too. You sound very smart yourself. You write really well--I mean you really convey a picture. You also sound like a very, very strong person. Im guessing you are someone other people turn to for help, for comfort and advice.

I think it's great that you have the ability to parent your kids so well despite the turmoil, the anguish, the unhappiness of your marriage. But Alexis, when your kids get older, and nowadays that can happen pretty quickly, say pre-teen years and then some, it may not be good for them to be living with a parent who visits prostitutes. I think you think that you can fix him, his sickness. I think that you think you will be able to stop his habit, his urges. But that's not likely. Confronting him as you put it, showing anger, etc. is not something that typically stops men such as you're describing.

Again, I strongly urge you to find a good counselor, someone familiar with your H's type of behavior who is also trained and experienced working with your type of trauma. Working with such a person may well be part of a healthy regimen to help when the children get older though for sure it sounds as though they are well balanced and happy now and that can be of enormous help later on.

dontsaylovely posted 1/20/2018 13:29 PM

I'm not sure our words are really sinking in. You can perform all the right actions with and for your children but they are still learning unhealthy behaviours and patterns in their environment.

Do you think they notice you getting anxious when your WH is not home from work on time?

Alexis13 posted 1/20/2018 17:54 PM

@margi thank you for your kind words. I greatly appreciate it. It means a lot.

@dontsaylovely my children are not learning unhealthy behavior. I do not act anxious in front of them. I never would. I keep myself totally present with my children. I’m glad I’ve been able to do this as I know not everyone can. This is not a matter in which they need to know about and they certainly don’t deserve me to be anxious or whatever in front of them so I’m not.
And as I previously mentioned I do understand what everyone is saying here and yes it’s sunk in but I also need to feel comfortable and ready to speak up about this because that’s who I am.

I sense most people here spoke up immediately and I’m glad you were all able to do so. So maybe that’s why no one quite understands me in that regard.

I would kindly appreciate leaving my kids out of this as they are not why I turned to online support nor do they need to be mentioned further. I do understand why it was brought up and I know with the best intentions but rest assured my children are great and I do not do anything to cause them worry or concern. As for when their father is home late, that’s not a bother to them because he has worked numerous shifts and overtime their whole lives. So it’s not unusual to them. I just happened find out a few months back that this was going on. I know it’s not every single time he’s late because he does work overtime too.

Anyway I’m sorry if I’m not jumping to speak up as quickly as everyone suggests or did themselves. I just came here for others to talk to that knew what it was like to go through this hell and thought maybe by talking with others it would help me. I’m really on the fence about this now or how I feel about it...

Has anyone here managed to work through this w/their significant other and save their marriage?

Alexis13 posted 1/21/2018 13:49 PM

As much as I want to stay I’m not sure I’m ready for this group or maybe it’s not the right fit for me. I’m just not sure anymore. I just think it’s best I no longer post or come back right now. I just need a place to talk to others who are going through this Too or have and maybe understand me a little better and where I’m coming from. I know everyone does things differently and handles situations differently but I don’t think I’m where you guys are at right now. This is a great resource though and maybe one day it will be a better fit for me but I sadly think it’s not right now. So I’ll either keep looking for another support group or I’ll just keep working on the things I’m going through without one which is ok too.

So anyway I just wanted to say thank you for talking with me and I wish you all the best. I’m happy that most of you who replied seems to have pulled through their situations. I’ll figure mine out in my time, the best I can. That’s all I can do right now.

Best wishes....
Alexis

PS. How do I deactivate my account and delete my entire thread?
Thank you again.

annb posted 1/21/2018 15:24 PM

Hi, Alexis, so sorry you feel this way.

I wish you the best.

Unfortunately, you are in denial and want to just rugsweep his despicable actions and hope it goes away. It won't.

All of us here understand your pain, however, all of us found a way out of this hell.

There's an old saying, children learn what they live. Whether you realize it or not, they are extremely intuitive and this sh*t will eventually hit the fan. They are living in a toxic environment right now whether you want to admit it or not. Your husband hires hookers. That's who their dad IS.

You should be doing everything in your power to protect them from the inevitable...I personally believe somewhere down the road this is all going to blow up, and you are going to say to yourself, I should have, I should have, I should have listened.

solus sto posted 1/21/2018 17:18 PM

My kids are little. Well under 12 anyway. I NEVER show any sadness or any insecurities about their father or myself or our marriage in front of them nor would I ever. My kids are active, smart (both honor students since grade K) and both extremely talented in the arts &/or athletics

ETA: NM. You’ll come back when you’re ready. There’s an hour of my life I won’t get back.

[This message edited by solus sto at 5:24 PM, January 21st (Sunday)]

Alexis13 posted 1/21/2018 18:18 PM

@Solus Sto ~ Sorry to have waisted an hour of your life.... 👆🏻

Can someone please advise how I delete my profile so I no longer have an account here and receive emails when there’s a post or if possible delete this whole thread as well?

Thank you kindly in advance. This is the only advice I’m seeking currently.

Again best wishes to all of you.