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I feel so lost & alone knowing my husband is paying escorts

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annb posted 1/15/2018 05:22 AM

Fire your therapist and find a new one.

You need to find your backbone.

Gently, you sound desperate and pathetic trying to keep a man who has no respect for you or your children. How nice for him, a family to come home to and a bunch of women on the side. You are willing to forgive him? Why? So he can continue his despicable behavior?

He is spending family money on escorts, I'd be freaking furious. I mean I'd let him have it, repeatedly.

If you cannot speak your mind, it sounds as though you are living in an abusive situation.

You cannot afford your dream home, but apparently it's in the budget to spend on escorts, and somehow you are blaming yourself for being a SAHM. Alexis, you need INTENSE counseling, I mean a good therapist who can pull you out of this mess.


Alexis13 posted 1/15/2018 07:11 AM

What is an SAHM? (Sad abused house mom)? I have no clue. Iím trying to pick up on all the abbreviated words.

And thank you again for your replies. I need to reread them and think about it all. I hate how pathetic I sound. Has anyone been in my situation & they wanted to forgive and save their marriage?

Uhg. Idk I feel so awful. Iím sorry everyone. I know I sound so stupid and repetitive.

Thank you again everyone. Iím sure Iíll be posting again tonight around the time heís supposed to come home. He was stressed out last night so Iím worried. :( I hate waiting and hoping he will come home on time.

marji posted 1/15/2018 07:31 AM

Alexis You do not sound stupid or repetitive. You do sound unhappy; you do sound anxious.

An SAHM means "stay at home mom."

Alexis please consider working with a different therapist. Im wondering if this person you are working with is well trained in working with betrayal trauma clients. There are many therapeutic methods of helping people in your, in our, situation. It's troubling to hear that you've been with this IC for 9 years and still in the relationship you are in.

Do you have friends or family that know what you are living with?
Can you join a support group.

You've said you know this man loves you. I do not understand how you could think this man who is so cold, so uncaring, a person who cannot say Im sorry, a man using family funds to fund his bad habit, a man that cannot offer you love and affection, loves you.

You say you want to be happy. That's a normal, healthy want. But you're describing a relationship that would make just about anyone very unhappy.

He sounds like a very angry, sick, disturbed person. He sounds like someone to get away from.

Speaking to an attorney doesn't commit you to any course of action but you would be able to learn your rights and possibilities. You say you hate waiting and hoping he will come home on time. So maybe give some thought of changing that.

Alexis13 posted 1/16/2018 07:54 AM

I guess all I can manage to feel about this situation is sadness. Iím upset of course but Iím non confrontational and Iím not angry but I guess I am supposed to be from what Iím understanding here. I mean Iím mad about the $$$ being spent and what itís gone to. Iím mad Iíve been lied to. Iím mad that this is happening at all. But I donít feel this sheer anger or anything. Idk, maybe itís because I still partly blame myself. I just donít know what to say or think anymore. Im sorry. I have my ups and downs. Today Iím feeling ok. Will I still feel ok this evening ? Idk. If he comes home on time I suppose Iíll be just fine. Iím sorry everyone. I can see you guys want me to get mad and angry but Iím just not there. I donít picture myself yelling at him. Thatís not who I am. Not now anyway. Maybe that will change. Idk. Like Iíve said all along I still love him with all of my heart and will do anything I can to figure out how to fix this and I know to even take that step I actually have to open my mouth and say something to him. I know I need to. I guess Iím just not ready yet. Iím sorry everyone. I know all of you want me to stand up for myself and get angry but Iím just not there, not yet anyway.
Thank you again everyone.

MadOldBat posted 1/16/2018 09:09 AM

Oh Alexis.
Sweet SI-Sister.
I hear you.
I feel so much for you.

But

You're never going to "win" him back whilst playing for your life from such a position of weakness.
Your Prostitute-fucking WH is holding ALL the cards in your relationship.

I see this clearly......... because I WAS you.

Fearful
Appalled
Broken hearted
Trying to survive whilst treading in quicksand.

It helped me to understand that it takes a particularly, spectacularly, self-absorbed, personality disordered, "happily married man and father" to pay for sex with prostitutes.
......... and in the vast majority of cases (as WEIRD as it sounds) fundamentally, it has very little to do with SEX.

and much more to do with very poor coping mechanisms, low self-esteem, objectification of women, inability to form true emotional relationships.

You mentioned earlier that he had been through some distressing experiences in his life. It may be that this has contributed to his poor coping mechanisms. FOO (family of origin) difficulties???

However,
and all that,
This (as you know) is not something that you can fix by plastering yourself in makeup, or by playing the fuck-me/pick-me game in the bedroom.

He isn't at this time having an exclusive, intimate, emotional, loving relationship with you - because right now, he is incapable of this with anyone.

You ABSOLUTELY need to get legal advice, because you need to know where you stand -
what if your fears come true and he walks out on you?
Is prostitution legal in your state / country?
What if he gets arrested?

You do need FULL STD testing (my prostitute fucker passed along genital warts and chlamydia to me) you already know he's been with bare-back whores.

Come on Alexis, we're all here to help and support you through this.

Definitely take a read in the I Can Relate Forum for the Emotionless Infidelity thread.

You are SO not alone.
Hugs and strength to you,
MOB xxx

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 9:10 AM, January 16th, 2018 (Tuesday)]

Morph posted 1/16/2018 10:36 AM

Alexis, so many of us come here wanting to save our marriage. While your situation is new to you, the path you walk is well worn. Many members will do anything to save their marriage....ANYTHING! They will forgive the unforgivable. They will swallow their pride, they will put their needs to the side.

I see that you want your marriage very very badly. I get it. I really do. We get it. The problem is that it doesnít work. It just doesnít. You have a choice. You can find your strength now and get out of this horrible situation (you canít see how bad it is because you are so close). Or you can continue to live this life you are living. The choice really your and both are hard. BUT, the sooner you get out of infidelity, the sooner your life will be better. We are trying to get you to see that there is no way to avoid the pain, but there is a way to get out faster. Infidelity is so very unfair. You did not choose this. We want to help you, but you need to help yourself. If you pick the path of forgiving him without him even admitting what he did, you will not find happiness. People have tried. People have put up with so much it takes my breath away. You can choose that path, but you will continue to be hurt and your kids will be hurt too.

You donít need to yell, but you do need to take a stand. I know you donít want to leave, but if you arenít even willing to confront him (doesnít have to be yelling, just firm) you will continue to live in this limbo hell. Not doing anything is a choice, but you will pay dearly for it with pieces of yourself.

This is not your fault. You are better than this. You have strength, but you need to find it. You can do this. You can have a better life. You do not need to live like this because there is better out there, and you WILL find it if you are strong. Find your strength for yourself and your kids.

dontsaylovely posted 1/16/2018 16:00 PM

Alexis, if I've read correctly you've been in counselling for nine years? Your self esteem seems to be incredibly low and I can't imagine a good counselor not having worked on that - with success - over that time.

You need to make working on that emergency priority. Your current acceptance levels and weakness contribute to a very unhealthy and unbalanced relationship. It will stay that way until you find your voice. You know the saying "Act like a doormat and you'll be walked on accordingly" ? You are the doormat and as long as you allow your WH to walk on you your emotional needs will never be met. You know you are worth much more than you are receiving.

Please, FIND YOUR VOICE.

We all want to help you but you have to want to help yourself also.

Alexis13 posted 1/16/2018 16:38 PM

This whole situation has me crazy and my anxiety it through the roof. Today I was ok accept I hardly slept last night so I couldnít even bring myself to do anything at all. Itís getting closer to the time he gets out of work so now Iíll start pacing and worrying about 1 hour from now hoping he comes home on time.
I noticed many of you suggested a new therapist to me because Iíve been seeing mine for over 9 years now. Well itís been more on & off because there were times where things were good and I didnít go for a while. That took a couple years to get me there after the 1st time i caught him paying to be a member of that disgusting desperate housewives dot com website. I immediately called the therapy place she worked at the day I found out and was paired with her. Then like I said itís been on and off since after the first 2 years of steadily going. Then back in June when I found out about this whole new situation I started going back, sometimes even twice a week. But for the last couple months funds have been very tight so I actually have not been going at all. I do have her email and cell # but I donít use them much because I donít want to abuse the privilege of having that info. So itís not her. Itís my lack of funds not able to keep my steadily going.
As for him, yes he did go through some things growing up. I guess his dad hit him but even worse he went through something extremely traumatic a couple years before we met when his 6 week old son passed from SIDS on top of that he had 100% custody because the mom had some serious issues. I donít want to get too much into his personal life as Iím sure Iíve said more than enough but I know he has pain inside heís not dealt with and I just wish I could do something to take it all away. Heís truly not a bad man. Heís an amazing man and father. He can be super sweet too. Itís just I feel itís been a long while since Iíve received the affection I so desperately need from him. I feel lonely sometimes. And as for him, I donít quite understand whatís driven him to this path of ďescortsĒ and a ďmassage parlorĒ. Itís certainly NOT legal here. I know I didnít always give him the affection and attention physically he needed but since June after I found this out Iíve been desperately trying to ensure heís happy. I donít think it happens as often as before but idk. I just wish I could fix it or be who he turns to for whatever it is heís seeking. I feel bad about gaining weight and feel gross about myself. I have never felt so yucky.
Anyway Iím going to try to squeeze in the $ to see my therapist soon. I know I need to. I know my self esteem is shot. Things will get better eventually.

HellFire posted 1/16/2018 16:49 PM

More than once, you've said he's an amazing father.

He is not. An amazing father doesn't expose his wife, the mother of his children, to stds by sleeping with hookers.

An amazing father doesn't cheat on his wife AND his children. He doesn't betray them.

An amazing father doesn't take time from his kids to fuck whores.

An amazing father doesn't traumatize his wife.

An amazing father doesn't risk he children's security, family, and happiness for hookers.


There's more to being an amazing father than simply being present and playing with his kids.

And, he's far from an amazing husband. His wife is too scared to voice her feelings to him, because of his reaction when she does.

He doesn't pay any attention to you unless he wants something. He doesn't tell you he loves you. He won't kiss you.

This is not an amazing man.

Not even close.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:51 PM, January 16th (Tuesday)]

dontsaylovely posted 1/16/2018 16:56 PM

Explain to your counselor (and use the cell # or email she provided you with) that you need help stat but don't have sufficient funds currently. Even with long periods of no counselling sessions you have been her client a long time and I'm willing to bet she'll do small freebies (ie email advice/support) to help you through this.

My H had family issues also and I do feel badly he went through them but NOT my problem. That was his choice to fix or not and he chose not until I threatened divorce after learning of his prostitute habit. And I didn't give a damn if he had to take on a second or third job to pay to fix his crap since he apparently didn't have money issues in the strip club.

You really need to put yourself first and if that is a foreign concept to you remind yourself you need to be a strong role model for your child.

annb posted 1/16/2018 18:09 PM

Amazing men and dads do not hire escorts, potentially putting their family in jeopardy.

Amazing dads do not hurt the mother of their children.

Find a new counselor. One who is well trained in abusive relationships, trauma, and infidelity.

marji posted 1/16/2018 19:13 PM

Alexis I don't think anyone here is suggesting you get angry with him; we are encouraging you to think about yourself. We're urging you to take steps to become happy. You seem so unhappy. I think most of us would be with a partner like your describing.

No one is suggesting you get angry with your H. We are suggesting you start to work with really good therapist who is trained and experienced working with people suffering from betrayal trauma; we are suggesting you find a good therapist to work with to help you become a happier person. Your H seems like a very cold person who isn't really capable of love and respect. He seems to have a very serious problem. A good husband cherishes and honors his wife. A good father conducts his life with dignity and grace and teaches good by living good. Please try to find help.

Alexis13 posted 1/16/2018 19:22 PM

I feel stupid. I hear what everyone of you is saying and I understand. When someone I know went through something similar and came to me for advice, I gave the same advice Iím hearing from all of you and I hadnít even begun to go through what I am now. I had only experienced a small taste of it shortly after our 2nd baby was born when I found that account on his email for that website. Why I had the balls to at least confront him then and now I canít is beyond me. Maybe Iím traumatized myself by how he never admitted it back then nor apologized for it. Maybe because Iím absolutely petrified of all the what ifís that run through my head. Maybe I just love him so much I canít manage to make myself angry. Maybe I still blame myself even though I know deep down inside that (even if I wasnít giving him the attention and affection he needed back then when he expressed it to me numerous times) he still made a choice to break our wedding vows and cheat with these ďescortsĒ. So I guess Iím feeling extremely insecure and I go through major ups & downs. He came home again on time tonight and it made me so happy. But I still wish I could speak up, even if only a little.
But anyway I know I keep sounding like a broken record and I appreciate all the support and advice. But I also donít want to become annoying to anyone here if Iím just not ready to say anything and many of my posts are very similar because, well, itís just where Iím at. I still love him with all of my heart and soul. I donít feel he is a bad person. I feel he has made some awful choices that have absolutely traumatized me & have broken my heart. I have to believe he at least suspects that I know. But maybe my huge hints were not as big as I felt they were. Idk. Anyway, I am sorry if Iím annoying and sound like a broken record. Iím sorry Iím not feeling what it sounds like I should be feeling which is angry at him. So I do understand if you guys get frustrated with me. Iím sorry. Iím just trying to get by everyday right now. Maybe Iíll get there eventually.
Thank you again for your time and your replies. And again Iím sorry Iím not there yet. I appreciate having you guys to talk with though.

Alexis13 posted 1/16/2018 20:51 PM

Also I DO want to find my voice again. I use to have one. I actually still do when it comes to everyone or everything else but heís my weakness. I donít ever want to stress him out or upset him or do anything to annoy him or whatever the case may be. He works really hard and heís tired when he gets home. He works 6 days a week. So after my first run with this type of problem just over 9 years ago when I did actually speak up immediately to him... idk nothing came of it. It was denied. I went silent and right into therapy. Then it took me 6 months before I spoke up again. He didnít say a word about it. Then that was that. No admission. No apologies. It was just done. However it appeared our relationship was much better afterwards. I mean much much better. I was over the moon Happy 😃.... but then time went on and I suffer from anxiety and depression and maybe that was part to blame for my lack of interest in sex. But it put us in a viscous cycle because I wasnít giving him what he needed from me and he wasnít giving me what I so badly needed from him and in my case itís the stupid little things that mean EVERYTHING to me - like telling me ďI love youĒ without me saying it first. Or kissing me passionately out of no where. Or a simple text message saying something sweet. I miss that stuff so much. I mean Iím in dire need of these things now more than ever before. But I keep trying to be the best wife I can be now because I wasnít being super affectionate before and I shouldíve been. Maybe Iím getting back how he felt just ten fold. I never cheated though. I couldnít even fathom the thought. But sometimes I canít help but feel I pushed him over the ledge. He did tell me numerous times how he felt. I shouldíve listened or rather acted. I was tired a lot and caring for our two little ones and like I said I suffer from depression and anxiety along with ptsd from past trauma I experienced and sometimes itís gotten the best of me. I couldíve been a better wife. I shouldíve been. So yes I do blame myself a lot for whatever has occurred even though I know how wrong it is. I know deep down ultimately itís a choice he made. I couldíve easily made that choice too if I wanted to but I could never do such a thing. Thatís me though. So yes I want to find my voice again but idk how to. Itís so lost inside and buried deep within I donít know how to even begin to find it....
goodnight everyone and thank you again for listening

Alexis13 posted 1/17/2018 19:07 PM

Well heís nearly 2 hours late tonight. I tried calling him 30 minutes ago but no answer then minutes later I got a text message saying ďon my way home. Love youĒ. Why canít he just CALL? Why couldnít he just answer? I donít get it. Well anyway now Iím just waiting and pacing for him to get home. I have no clue when that will be. He could have just been leaving work... if he was working late which is 40 - 45 minuets away or he could be 15 minuets away. I just donít know. I hate feeling like this. :(
Sorry for venting so much. Just a broken record.

Alexis13 posted 1/17/2018 19:49 PM

8:20 pm and he finally came home. He hasnít even taken his coat off which I notice he does more often. I donít get it. He hasnít eaten his dinner. He just sits on the couch and is right on his phone. He use to say I was always on my phone so I made the effort to not be and now heís always on it. His data usage is WAYYYY higher than it was 6+ months ago. We are a week into our billing cycle and itís already over 2 gigs and mine isnít even at 1 and I actually use my phone & the internet to work all day long. I noticed over the last few months the phone bill went completely clean. So now Iím wondering if heís using an external app to make calls and texts through data usage so they donít show up on the phone bill. Uhg. Idk.

Again Iím sorry everyone. I feel stupid. I know all of you must be fed up with my posts especially since I wonít even speak up to him about it all. I know nothing changes if I donít do anything to change it. Although I thought if I tried harder it would change. Now I canít help but wonder if heís just gotten a tad more sneaky about things. I even found out he has another bank account but he said itís an old one. Very strange.

Ok thatís all from me. I am so sorry everyone for being this way. I wish I was strong like all of you sound.

Alexis13 posted 1/18/2018 07:05 AM

I got in my car this morning which he took yesterday due to the snow & road conditions and as I mentioned last night he was over 2 hours late coming home... well when I got into my car the passenger seat was laid all the way back and pushed as far back as it can go. :( I canít imagine why that would be unless he was up to no good. I need to find my voice. Iím hurting so badly. :( what is wrong with me? Why am I not good enough? Why canít I get angry or speak up? Why??? I feel so stupid and lost and alone...

redrock posted 1/18/2018 08:08 AM

Iím so sorry that you are hurting.

This has been going on for over a decade. Itís a lifestyle for him. And from day one heís aggressively boxed you out with silence and lies. He knows you know. He wonít acknowledge the behavior and the only changes heís made is to take the activity off the phone and intro apps.

You canít unknow what you know. And all the details of his behavior scream out at you even with his efforts to normalize them. Lateness, time away from the family is not all him working hard for you. You know that. His inattention, bank account and obsession with his phone are attributes of cheating.

Itís not going to go away. Your love for him, your becoming a better wife will not result in fidelity because his cheating isnít about you.

What I encourage you to do is to start working on you. Why do you accept his behavior? The way he shuts you out of the truth with silence and abandonment.

What can you work on today and tomorrow to start getting out of infidelity for you and your children? Escorts are a lifestyle choice for him. Do you want to continue to partner with a man who lives like this? Only you can decide when enough is enough.

[This message edited by redrock at 8:12 AM, January 18th (Thursday)]

Alexis13 posted 1/18/2018 20:17 PM

You asked what I can do today and tomorrow to start getting out of the infidelity my husband is involved in for me and my children? The first thing is I donít want to get out or rather I donít want to end my marriage. I want to fix things but I recognize this wonít occur without me speaking up about the problems at hand and standing my ground. I obviously struggle severely with this concept. At the very least I am going to ask him why my car seat was left reclined all the way back and pushed all the way back after he came home over 2 hours late. I will enquirer about that tonight. Itís doubtful Iíll take it further than that but Iím going to find some courage to at least ask about that. Now I donít even want my car. Iím horrified even getting in it. Uhg. I need to go have it cleaned or maybe get rid of it. Shame I did love my car until this morning. :(
Well wish me luck. Saying a little something is better than absolutely nothing for me anyway....

xhz700 posted 1/18/2018 22:40 PM

I think that you mistake what you're hearing us say.

People often say here that you need to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. It's true. Your love, or the love of your kids isn't going to change your husbands behavior.

The only way past this is through it. You need to confront him and make him understand that you are unwilling to accept this behavior in your marriage.

The first step is the same no matter what you do. Confront, do not accept the slippery behavior, make your feelings clear! If he behaves the same, and you aren't willing to leave him over this, you will stay in this situation forever.

Please, you must find the courage to do this. I had a brother die from AIDS. Your kids need you, and your life is literally at risk!

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