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Dealing with OC

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honesttoafault posted 12/23/2017 12:54 PM

I have been on SI when the "old" OC thread was up. It had been suggested that if you have younger children (COM) that you file for child support first, even if you're staying together.

If there is contact with OW, it should be done as a couple, a united front.

Drop offs can be arranged at a neutral place: police station, contact family court for suggestions etc.

Whether or not you want OC in your house, or to meet the COM, is up to you and varying circumstances. I know I felt conflicting emotions of anger and then feeling sorry for OCs (yes, three) who had nothing to do with this.

Having to deal with OC(s) makes R that much more difficult, but you need to deal with it together, even if you want nothing to do with it. NC or as little contact with OW as much as possible.

Devastated99 posted 1/2/2018 11:43 AM

Hello and thanks for letting me get this off my chest, I have been separated from my husband for just under a year (took our kids with me to stay with family after I discovered he had a girlfriend) we are on the other side of the country and have only seen him twice since I left. On New Years Eve he asked if we could talk and for the first time actually showed remorse and asked if I thought we could put this behind us and move forward as a family. I was ecstatic! I told him yes of course and hugged and kissed him-THEN he dropped the bomb and told me that there was a child as a result of the affair-6 months old baby, and while he now has nothing going on with the OW,, he loves this child as much as he does our children.
I am devastated, hurt and humiliated . I really donít know what to do- how can we put this behind us with a living breathing reminder of his actions? And of course I realize that the child is innocent but do you know what? So am I!! I did nothing wrong and have to pay dearly for his selfishness. This would be so much easier if we didnít have kids together, but we do and they adore him. I have not told anyone about this-too ashamed, and I have no idea what Iím going to do, but I appreciate being able to vent-thanks for listening..

Salty16 posted 1/3/2018 16:11 PM

Devastated99, according to popular opinion as well as common sense... the first step is to determine if the child really is his. It doesn't matter if she says she was only with him. Let's see... they both lied, so she isn't the most trustworthy.
If he is the father, then you need to look at the next steps. If he isn't... then it is not a factor in your reconciliation.

honesttoafault posted 1/3/2018 20:51 PM

Devastated,

I would tread lightly with this. He has only seen his kids twice since you left and now he wants to be back? I realize that you want to be a family again, but you have to look at ALL the factors. Even though the OC is an innocent victim in this whole horrible situation, it is not something that is easily dealt with emotionally.


stbxWH asked me if I wanted to raise the 3 OC's. I told him I could never take children away from their mother. (There was no legitimate reason, like she was abusive, neglectful, etc) I think that even him asking me that showed what an insensitive person he is more than the A's and having OC's.

lexureyes posted 1/4/2018 06:57 AM

Devastated99 I am sorry you are in this situation. I would seriously look at his motivations for wanting to be a "family" again. Did his mistress tire of him and send him packing? Are you his plan B? Not trying to be harsh, I just have an outsiders view with what details you have shared. The timing is very suspect. You should file for child support no matter what (and hope you are first on that list of mothers).

I have little doubt that his "remorse" is less than genuine. Seems like his side piece has tossed him out when the sunshine and unicorn farts ended after having a newborn. Please don't lower yourself to being a plan B. You and your kids are worth more. Do some investigating and see what the real story is before you commit to letting him back into your lives.

[This message edited by lexureyes at 6:58 AM, January 4th (Thursday)]

Hurtbeyondtime posted 1/17/2018 01:26 AM

Okay sooo perhaps Iím a bit cold and I have not read every thread. Contact a Family attorney immediately.
I would not allow any contact with your family or children until paternity is established. Tell the OW to cease any contact with all members of your family NC Letter and then BLOCK her!!!

Then wait for the attorney to handle the rest and the paternity test etc.
And you wash your hands for now.

Iím sorry the OW is sheís such a b!tch. She is looking to derail your family and hurt everyone because sheís sour.
Stay strong.

Twinsmom posted 1/17/2018 13:30 PM

My story - I found out on July 4th that my husband had been having a LTA with a woman he met on the internet. She had his baby 5 days later. My husband and I have been married 26 years and have 3 children (23, 17 yr old twins). My husband moved out on the 4th and now lives with OW and OC. Our marriage is OVER although neither of us have moved toward divorce yet. None of my three kids want anything to do with OW or OC. I can sometimes even forget they exist. My WH is 52 and starting over with a baby so I think that part is fairly funny. I have not seen pictures of the OW or the OC but I do know that she is a different race than us so I am pretty certain the baby looks nothing like my children. For that, I am thankful. I am pretty sure I could go my whole life without seeing pictures of any of them.

Things to do happen though to remind me and they are devastating. The other day I checked the mail and there was a package from Kohls addressed to my husband. I opened it as I have been opening all his mail that still comes to our house and it was a snowman Christmas ornament. The back story is that I collect snowmen and everyone who knows anything about me knows this fact. My husband would buy me one every year. So, I was kind of shocked because I didn't understand why my WH would have sent me a snowman as we are OVER. Anyway, I looked closer and it was inscribed with "Baby's 1st Christmas" It was like a knife in the heart all over again. Just reminded me that while I don't have to deal with it on an everyday basis, this is a fact that will never go away!

honesttoafault posted 1/18/2018 16:59 PM

Twinsmom: I know how devastating opening that package must've been for you. It's not just that it was for a baby's first Christmas, but because of the symbolism of the snowman. I completely understand!!

Before I found out about OW and 3 OC's (yes 3), WH said he wanted to go shopping for his niece's kids and buy them something for her. So here I am helping him pick out these clothes. I later found out that the clothes were for the OC's!!

The main thing I would suggest is to file for child support for your kids NOW. For some reason, the one who files for CS first gets more in many states. Contact a lawyer to discuss this.

I know how devastated you feel, but you must protect yourself and your kids right now.

Twinsmom posted 1/18/2018 23:16 PM

Hi honest - Thanks for the advice. I have been to see an attorney. My kids are too old for child support. The oldest is 23 and we have twins that will turn 18 in May. My WH is currently sharing finances with me and still paying for everything..our house, bills, groceries, insurance everything. So we are better off right now with the current financial set up. I think he is waiting for the twins to go to college and then he will file for divorce or work on splitting our finances.

I can't believe you were shopping for OC clothes. It's like they don't have any thought to what they are doing. I know my WH doesn't.

honesttoafault posted 1/19/2018 18:58 PM

Twinsmom: Right now he is paying out of guilt. Get it in writing legally!!!! NOW!!!! Even if it's a legal separation agreement. Do not trust on good faith. It will change,believe me.

Do it now while he still feels guilty and will agree to most of your terms.

anon03 posted 1/25/2018 18:19 PM

So, finally it's here. DNA test confirmed. Todays post isn't about how I feel right now but more a couple questions I had for the ladies who have been there.

1. How did the first meeting go when the OC was older? My ws has a now 3 year old and is about to meet him for the first time.

2. Are there any other forums that focus on OC? There isn't a whole lot here and I'd like to see more successful stories.

3. I also have a son the same age when should

we have them meet, how should we explain it, what do we tell them when he's older about daddy's mistake?

honesttoafault posted 1/25/2018 19:37 PM

anon: There used to be another OC thread, but it now longer seems to be here.

You said that your WH is going to meet the OC for the first time. When did he learn about the OC?

Also, are you in R with WH? How is it going?

If your R is going well, you need to have a united front with all decisions dealing with OC.

I would not have the COM (child of marriage) meet with the OC for now. There are other factors to consider like how it's going with the OW, is she being cooperative about visitation? For example, will you be considering seeing the OC on a consistent basis where he/she will be more in your life?
I would give it some time, and then you can consider whether or not or when for the children to meet.

As to telling your child the truth, that is tricky. They are both very young. Again, it depends how the situation is going. If visitation is going well, and will continue, your child will learn the truth eventually, and it would probably be better sooner than later.

I'm very sorry you are going through this. I know how painful it is. My stbxWH had 3 OC's and my sons did meet them. It is very difficult. I always had to keep in mind that they are victims of the mess that was created also.

Itsanewday posted 1/29/2018 12:05 PM

Anon so sorry you are here. I am several years out of an OC. We are 100% no contact with the OC and AP. There is so little information out there for "our situations". I did stumble upon this website after reading her book. She has one link to a teleseminar of one woman's story. Here is the link.

http://beyondaffairs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/TS-2013-March21-Catriona.mp3

The main website is www.beyondaffairs.com

This website was started by a husband and wife. He had an affair and she wrote the book My Husband's affair was the best thing that ever happened to me. I read this book right after I found out and it helped me a lot to have hope and to validate how horrific I was feeling.

I hope this helps a little.

Coastgirl84 posted 1/29/2018 23:23 PM

So the OW is due with a child on June 9. My WH is suspected father... but DNA will be done of course. My WH had a purely PA with OW and had not had physical contact with her in over a year (I knew nothing until she turned up pregnant) saw her in her conception window (according to her due date) short of the long my WH was furious asked her repeatedly to consider abortion. Informed her he does not have the financial means to support a child (4 kids already 2 ours together) and that is the truth, the child support guidelines require him to pay .74 per month based on his income. He also informed her he had no desire to have another child and was not willing to be involved as he had no choice in the decision to keep an unplanned child. She was thought to have been on BC and yes I know he should have been more careful or maybe not been sleeping around!

Anyway she says he is a deadbeat... which he isn't. He has two wonderful kids from a previous relationship and even though we can't help put much money wise he is a great Dad and a wonderful father to our two kids. He will pay the child support required by law but is animate about NC at all not ever. I am supportive of him having contact even though MC and IC have said it's not a good idea. I do not push the subject as I feel it is his choice.

Have any of you gone NC with OC from birth? Did the OW try and push? We don't even know for sure if it is my whs child yet but I want to prepare because the dates line up almost to the day. Also have not seen any proof of how far along or due dates. FML

Itsanewday posted 2/1/2018 08:38 AM

Coastgirl We have been completely NC with OW and OC since shortly after birth. We never pushed for paternity which while is hard for me (because I don't know for sure), she has left us alone not one word since birth I don't want to push it. I do live every day with the knowledge that at any time she can hit him/us with a paternity suit but years out still have not heard a word. I realize this is rare. In fairness the OW has a good job and we believe would damage her reputation at work if she were to expose. This has all been a big secret from work, etc. As with everyone in these forums every story is different. I hope my story helps you.

Salty16 posted 2/1/2018 15:03 PM

Itsanewday, i apologize, i didnt go back and see if you had a backstory posted.
How many years since the birth of OC? We just passed our 2 year "anti-anniversary" of D-day... and the OC's 11th birthday was 2 weeks prior. D-day hit when OW contacted my daughter. So, it had been a several years secret. OW has not contacted since.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 3:03 PM, February 1st (Thursday)]

Koenig1 posted 2/3/2018 10:56 AM

Hi all..Im kind of lost right now, so this is where Im hoping to find some sort of ground.

My girlfriend of almost ten years is pregnant with another man's child. We have four kids of our own already. She wanted to terminate it when she found out, but she was already far past that point. She wants to R, and has been taking steps leading to R, but I don't know what to do. He doesn't know about the baby, and she doesn't want him to know unless it comes down to it..they have had NC since October.

The only ones excited for this baby are our kids because they don't know what os going on. They just want a baby sister. She is willing to put the baby up for adoption if that's what I ask of her, but I'm not convinced that is the right thing to do.

I understand that the child is innocent in all of this, and that neither her nor my own children asked for any of this mess. I want to take the child as my own, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to give it the love and life it deserves, seeing as how she will always be a living reminder of my WGFs betrayal...

I need to a light right now. I need to know that the tunnel will end, that there is a way out. I just feel like dying all of the time..

Salty16 posted 2/3/2018 21:53 PM

Koenig, is she absolutely 100% positive there is no way the child is yours? I am not trying to give you false hope... just trying to look at every angle.
What about counseling? Have you looked into IC and couples counseling?

Itsanewday posted 2/4/2018 03:31 AM

salty 3+ years and she already exposed to my children, which was an absolute nightmare.

Koenig so sorry and a very difficult situation for you. Salty gives good advice. IC/MC and paternity test.

If you look back I posted a link just a few days ago which is an audio chat of a woman who accepted her FWH's child into her family. This is all your choice. But a few things maybe you should be aware of in. I would consult an attorney. In most states if the woman is married the husband is automatically put on the birth certificate. You mentioned GF so I am not sure that would be the case and if for some reason the FWB found out and would want to see the child he could go to court and gain access after a paternity test which in turn would bring him into your life. I have read many posts from people who were able to accept the child, I believe it is more common when it is the woman who betrayed. This is a very personal decision for you and your FWG.

Have you two been working on the marriage? Has the reason for the affair been addressed? Any therapy? I have found that if you can repair the marriage and trust, then together you can be good and strong, and this may help make your decision easier.

I am sorry I was not more help but understand how difficult this must be for you. I wish you peace and wisdom in your decision making.

[This message edited by Itsanewday at 3:35 AM, February 4th (Sunday)]

Salty16 posted 2/4/2018 07:30 AM

I am in a unique position. At 21 I had a child as a single parent. 2 years ago I found out that my husband had an affair 10 years prior to DDay and had OC. I have conflicting emotions while working my way through this mess.
I have a daughter that was conceived under poor circumstances... nobody was married or in a relationship. I was not married and decided I would keep her since she was my baby. The bio father knew I was pregnant and at first was acceptant, then changed his tune. I didn't care. Yes we had a DNA test... I had her on a medical card since I worked 3 jobs paying minimum wage but no benefits and the state forced the DNA test. He was supposed to pay child support but rarely did. I never kept my name and address out of the phone book (yes, the days before cell phones!) And we had mutual friends, so he had ways of seeing her or showing an interest in her life and well being, but never did. I met my husband when she was 2 and a half. When we got married he adopted her, the bio dad gladly signed off parental rights. He never asked for a peek at her, a picture or anything. So my point is that I didn't want or need him in our lives. He didn't want to be in her life. Yes, we planned on telling her when she was old enough to understand.
But years down the road when she found out she was adopted by my husband, she wanted to meet the bio dad and half siblings.
She did meet them and spent time with them. Following her HS graduation she went and lived with them for a short time.
My point is this... I didn't want the bio dad involved from day 1. I have valid reasons that I will not discuss. BUT, once my daughter found out she had a "real dad" out there... she put him on a pedestal and had him built up in her mind as some wonderful man. She had not met him, knew nothing about him... yet she wanted to meet him. He still had no urge to meet her... his wife who had 2 kids by him and an ex GF with 1 child by him DID want the kids to meet.
You have to realize, you have choices but you must prepare because down the road... the kids will want to know this other person. Just in the past 2 years my daughter has said she regrets meeting the bio dad. She said she wasted so much time thinking her (adopted) dad was horrible just for being a dad... and tried to replace him with the bio dad. She is happy she has a relationship with her siblings, but has no plans on continuing contact with the bio dad.
No matter what your decisions are, you have choices and any situation can work if you are all willing to make an effort.
Know that eventually, if you NC and the child finds out of a "real parent" out in the world... there WILL be questions. It isn't a time to make up some fanciful story of lost love or a vengeful story of betrayal. It depends on the child's age as far as the level of information. And some things are best left quiet.
The flip side to all of this... 2 years ago when I found out about OC I went and am still going through the roller coaster of emotions as a BW. While I have absolutely no urge as a BW to meet the OC or have her involved in our home... I also feel sorry for her. Supposedly she knows her mother's husband is not her bio dad. Yet she has grown up with him being dad. I have an understanding of the thoughts, questions and emotions she may have because of what my daughter experienced. I have such a mix of emotions about our situation. I know down deep inside that at some point, she will end up making contact. As a mom, I understand... as the BW (in our situation), I have no urge at this time to be a part of it. Maybe I will change my mind later, but if she appeared on our doorstep today, no. I also have told my children and my husband that I will not stop them from having any sort of relationship with her. But for now, I do not want to be a part of it.
I guess what I am trying to say is that each situation is unique and you must decide what is best for you... and the child. They are completely innocent. Regardless of YOUR choices, be prepared for the child.

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