I have been thinking a lot of how to respond and if I have any thoughts to be helpful. Take what you can use and what might trigger strong feeling leave to explore why at a quiet time.
My first thought is that this place, in my mind, is for the BS in a OC situation to get support. I will try to focus on thoughts to help consider what you can do - not what your WS or OW should do.
I’m am amazed at your caring, nurturing and kindness. You are a strong person. Be sure you remind yourself of that daily.
Take care of yourself so that you can be the loving, nurturing person you want to be and still have boundaries that clearly protect who you are and what your values are. You can take time to find out what you enjoy and what makes life fulfilling for you.
I thought nurturing and love meant to do whatever needed to be done, even anticipating without being asked. I felt guilty seeing those close to me struggle with the consequences of
their actions to be accountable. I still take time to remind myself that others need to feel and deal with their own consequences to grow insight, empathy and clarity. I was not doing myself or them any favors.
I was angry due to fear, feeling abandoned, loss of what I thought reality was and betrayed. I first had to grieve and deal with my anger in IC and EMDR. Focus on who I am and how I will move to what I want to accomplish - not others role. I had to look at my fears and realize my WS and the OW did this to
themselves not me. Yes their selfish actions did not even consider the affect on me. Their actions came from broken parts with themselves not because of me. I had to look closely why I felt I or my husband should do or feel. Once I learned to calm myself, I could talk and listen better. Instead of telling my husband what I thought he should do in long monologues- I used very short statements about how I feel and general statements of what I am working toward. I balanced thought to give positive statements ....when you... I feel.... Less “should” in language for me or him. When boundaries are crossed I simply say that is not acceptable to me. I begin to show honesty and integrity for my feelings/wants by not hiding from my feelings when they came. I did need some time to inquire within to identify why I had a feeling or what I really wanted. I spend time too on other things I enjoy to celebrate the day and stop waiting to live.
I say all this because I am amazed that you do so much
nurturing your husband and doing the legal work for him. I question if you are taking on responsibility of your husband to fix the situation. You both may need clarity of boundaries. Are you taking care of yourself? I think if no personal contact is to be a boundary then the current unfortunate precedent is being made for the OW to set her boundries and your WS with you to agree. You do have a choice even if that means a safe house used in these situations. Yes OW will keep pushing, WS may take the easy way to avoid discomfort or keep options open and boundaries will need to be repeated.
I know each state is different for CS. Also each judge has their own prejudices. In my state, told to me by a lawyer, the OW would have CS by state set guidelines and my income would be considered. The judge could consider it any way the judge felt was appropriate. In my experience, to go through this child support and custody or avoid it without a lawyer will cost much more money and incalcuble amount of stress for the marriage.
A lawyer that knows family law and the judges of the area is worth the money. The lawyer will give you knowledge to prepare for those legal questions and knowledge what to reasonably expect. Once you know the range of what is legally reasonable and what your boundaries are it make negotiation easier without emotional games. Knowing what is reasonable gives comfort and clarity. What do each of you want to accomplish? You do have choices. Everything from going for full custody to no contact with CS or even divorce for your protection.
The lawyer can let you know how your CS order can be interpreted and be used in your local. The lawyer could also define if you are separated in house. In this case, with the OW playing games and the WS possibly not even realizing he is playing both sides of fence (or playing unintentionally with fire), I think court would be a place preferable. Don’t avoid court out of fear.
You are a strong thoughtful person. I tip my hat to you. Whatever you need to do, I hope you find that peace and clarity. I want you to know you are amazing just being yourself.