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Dealing with OC

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HDENUFF75 posted 2/15/2020 13:29 PM

Hello! I am new here. So here is my story. I have been married for 22 years. We have four children: two in college, two still at home. Eight months ago I found out that my husband (not up with the abbreviations to be used ) had been cheating for 2.5yrs. with a girl half his age who uses drugs. They fathered a son who is 2 yrs old. This is not a surprise as I really knew but he lied to my face multiple times for those yrs. I finally found out by finding pictures on his computer. We are still together as I thought maybe I could re-kindle the relationship because it was just that: I fell out of love with him over the years he lied to me. But the most important reason I have stayed is because of the two teenagers I have still at home. My older two children know. I am so unhappy right now, and trying to get up the courage for a divorce. He works part-time just because he is lazy. Keeps all his income for himself and pays 400 dollars a month for this 2-yr.old. The child is being taken care of by her aunt because she is obviously a worthless mother because of her methamphetamine use. He was, of course, sneaking around seeing this child before I found out. Since then he has not saw the child because he was afraid it would upset me. I never did tell him he could not see this child although he believes I did. But I do dictate where he sees him. He is not allowed at the aunt's house which is right beside the mother's apartment, he is not to go into a store, restaurant, or park. He is not able to bring him to our house nor his mothers. The reasons for this is that this is a small town and he does not want anyone to know about this. I told him if he wanted to be out in the open about this child and see him more often, then he has to spill the beans which he does not want to do. I have repeatedly tried to get him to understand that I need to know all his dealings with this child because this is something he kept a secret all those years. He does not agree and says that if all I have to worry about is a 2 yr. old then I have a good life.

After eight months the anger and hurt is less acute, and our relationship has been a lot better. We are spending time together, he is helping around the house more, going to church with me, and our communication is better. Although he will not go to counseling because "there is nothing wrong with him." But I just do not love him any more.
I feel bad for wanting a divorce but I keep telling myself that he did not take my feelings into consideration when he was having the affair so why should I. I worry about the effect it will have on my boys, and I worry about the financial aspect of a divorce too. I just cannot get over the fact that he gives so much to this child and does not help me raise our children, not to mention the fact he cannot work full-time. Another issue I have with divorce is I do not want to pay him alimony ( I am the bread-winner ). I would rather stay miserably married than pay his lazy butt alimony. It is bad enough I will have to split my 401K. I am just so conflicted all the time I feel like I am going crazy.

hopefullife posted 2/17/2020 08:12 AM

I'm sorry you have to go through this. It sucks so bad that our partners not just chose to have an affair, but were even stupid enough to not take precaution. I'm sad for all the innocent kids dragged into the mess.

Have you seen an attorney to know your options?

HDENUFF75 posted 2/18/2020 17:11 PM

I have not. I need to. My daughter last night said it would be hard to deal with us not together. Made me feel bad.

HDENUFF75 posted 3/1/2020 09:48 AM

It feels like those who have to deal with an OC are in the minority. Infidelity is bad enough but when it involves a child it is worse. I have always said I may forgive and reconcile with WH for the infidelity but the OC may be a deal breaker. Am I wrong at age 45 to not want that drama in my life? I want to spend my years with my husband and older children and grandchildren not an affair child.

hopefullife posted 3/1/2020 09:54 AM

We are in the minority. The OC was a dealbreaker for us, but more because the OC made it a whole lot easier for him to justify leaving me. I'm not sure what would have happened if he didn't though. May have been a dealbreaker the same.

How's your daughter doing?

HDENUFF75 posted 3/1/2020 11:18 AM

My daughter is doing okay, thanks. It would have been easier for me if my husband chose the OC but definitely not for the two boys I still have at home. IDK if my children and I were younger or if we had had a better relationship before the affair I might think differently about the OC. My children range from 14-22 and they donít want a relationship with this 2-year old. My thoughts now are all the children are affected. I think that my children right now are more adversely affected than him not spending a ton of time with that OC. There will be plenty of time after our children are out of the houseówithout me. Itís just baggage I donít want. IĎm just not a good enough person to just call us a happy family and I am trying to come to terms with my feelings and choices in this matter.

hopefullife posted 3/2/2020 18:19 PM

Having OC is too devastating because it's like everyone hurts, no one's spared of the pain. We're the adults and are expected to do the sacrifices but it's so so hard because we're just humans too.

I may have had it easier since we didn't have or own kids to deal with. But you know what? Those kids make you stronger.

[This message edited by hopefullife at 6:20 PM, March 2nd (Monday)]

fournlau posted 3/26/2020 11:31 AM

Nope, sorry. I know the OC is innocent and deserves so much, but I am not willing to sacrifice myself or my children to "do the right thing". If WH wants a relationship with OC he'll have to have it without me by his side, end of story. I will not raise his bastard, that's his and his AP's responsibility, not mine. My responsibility is me and my kids, end of story. If that makes me selfish or a bad person, so be it.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 3/27/2020 14:34 PM

So Test results came back and my estranged husband is NOT the father, so she spent 9 months on him about this baby. The man was even visiting the baby, rUnning around trying to do right by the baby when it was born. Only for the test to come back not the father.

I bet she was devastated that the man she proclaimed to be so in love with was NOT the father. I want to laugh at them both, but all I feel is sorry for them. Welp...Iím sure he feels like a fool....lost his marriage over this.

I saw the proof so it is not a lie.

HDENUFF75 posted 3/27/2020 22:03 PM

Fournlauó-I love you. You think the same as I on this matter. Guess some would say we are selfish but oh well.

Salty16 posted 3/29/2020 16:36 PM

As a disclaimer my statement is strictly in reference to those of us impacted by the presence of an OC as the result of an A and how we choose to move through it... whether it is through D or R and if we choose to welcome the OC into our homes, manage through some sort of visitation or if the OC is not directly involved in our lives.
IMO... every experience is different. We all have a unique set of circumstances. Nobody on this site wants to be here. Someone who has experienced an EA or PA feels the pain of betrayal. Most times I feel like we are at the far end of the spectrum. On another altogether sometimes. To be blunt... our waywards were selfish, thoughtless and reckless to have unprotected sex (let alone be involved in an A) They risked our very lives and broke our hearts while adding the OC into the mix. While I agree that an OC is NOT at fault in any way... due to our unique circumstances we will all handle the situation differently and all have variable outcomes. It doesn't mean that we don't have sympathy for the OC... but I don't think that anyone can stand and judge, it is not their place. In this sort of forum it is impossible to give all of the details and let's face it... we do not have to have validation for our decisions from anyone here. Everyone on this site has to deal with their situation and their decisions each day. It will impact them on so many levels through their entire lives. You do not need me or the next person to agree with your decisions. Just because you may not agree with me nor I with you... it happens. Obviously, the flip side to that coin is that none of us would support illegal or unethical behaviors, self harm or harm to others.
I think the best way we can help each other is to offer the best advice possible without passing judgement.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 3/31/2020 23:39 PM

I will add that although the test showed he is not the father. Even apart I still carry the pain of the afffair first and all the feelings that came with thinking a woman was walking around with a child they created. It was a lot to think that another shared that kind of connection with the man I wS married to. I still acknowledge the anger I felt, that she would be happily awaiting a child with my husband. So although the test showed otherwise, I am still processing all the hurt that came with it. So it hasnít went away. My heart aches for anyone who husband has a living reminder of the betrayal.

HDENUFF75 posted 4/1/2020 19:54 PM

It sucks bad. Iím so glad that for you there isnít a living physical reminder running around on this earth for you. Dealing with an affair is bad enough.

Whatís terrible is how the marriage children are hurt by this. That is betrayal too. It is all so heart breaking on so many levels.

fournlau posted 4/4/2020 22:08 PM

The sad reality is that there is never a good choice when there is an OC. Everybody loses! No matter what decision you make.

Walkingthewire posted 5/9/2020 13:15 PM

As time goes on, OC looks less and less like my WH. He says he used protection.
The child looks half white, but none of his features look like him. He will be one in June.
They live in another country and it seems that he adult daughter and her husband have taken custody of the child. I don't know this as fact but thats just the way it seems.

Sgar33 posted 5/25/2020 10:42 AM

Question ? Should my husband and I be going to the oc birthday parties the ow invites us too!??? Heís 2 years old .. and we are not friends and will never be !

HDENUFF75 posted 5/29/2020 20:09 PM

I think this is one of those times that you have to decide what is best for you and everyone else involved, and what you feel comfortable with. I am in no way involved with OC. And I will never be. But if you feel you can put your differences aside for the best of the child and tolerate them then go for it. If you donít want to then donít beat yourself up over it. Celebrate the childís birthday another time, place, and way.

BaiYue posted 6/11/2020 15:57 PM

OC from an affair is a living reminder of an unethical and reckless relationship between OCís mother and father. OC is innocent, however it does not paint a rosy picture over his/her parentsíí wrongful behavior. From my eyes, OC is a living reminder of my WSís shame.

HDENUFF75 posted 6/21/2020 18:44 PM

Fathers Day sucks when the WH created a child with someone outside the marriage. Plus this is the first one without my father. All around a sucky day.

hopefullife posted 7/4/2020 08:39 AM

Mother's Day, Father's Day, Grandparents Day. AP celebrating her child with my still husband and family. Not the OC's fault I know, but every family holiday is a trigger nowadays.

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