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Dealing with OC

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Salty16 posted 10/22/2017 20:42 PM

Selfimproved, thank you. This is what I hoped the answer would be. I suppose another advantage is that I have a pretty good attorney and it keeps her in my corner.

Salty16 posted 10/22/2017 20:46 PM

Undertherug, thank you too. I would hope it would fall under that initial free consultation... right now I can't afford a retainer.

Phoenix1 posted 10/22/2017 20:48 PM

I know it isn't easy

It's actually quite easy, now that I don't have to deal with it anymore and I'm indifferent to it all. These are just historical facts at this point.

Just know you're not alone.

Salty16 posted 10/22/2017 20:53 PM

Phoenix, thank you.

anon03 posted 10/23/2017 07:56 AM

I found out 2 days before discovering I myself was pregnant too. My son was born a week before her child. She started a CS case and after about a month or two he never heard another word and assumed it had been dropped and the real father discovered. he recently found out a default was put on him as she was going to the wrong location. I chose to stay and we had our son. That was the quickest background..... however, the part bothering me is this...

He just last week did the DNA test and I'm freaking out inside about the results. I sort of knew this was a possibility as I knew she was pregnant around the time he "messed up" but I think all this Is really making it real. We have reconciled and he truly has done everything I've asked and worked with me and I believe we are in a good place.

Since all this came back around I have been moody and irritable and scared. We never told anyone so I don't have anyone to talk it out with. I stalk her page and the child looks nothing like him or my child and a lot like 2 other guys she was known to have slept with. But we all know genetics. I guess the hardest part is knowing all hope is gone if it is his. I've been living with the notion that it isn't his and if it is I will have to deal with it. Can I let the child into my home? Can I stay and make it work? I've said all along I was willing to but it will be so hard. She will be in our lives wether I want it or not. I feel like all these life altering things happened without my consent and I'm the one who will have to learn to deal. (Yes, I know the child too but this is my rant lol)

How did you guys make it work? What did you do to relax and not have a panic attack waiting on the results? How did it impact your own kids? What did you tell them? Daddy messed up and you have a sibling don't follow his footsteps.... ugh. Why us?

All the progress I made as an individual and we made as a couple I feel like has been erased or at least thrown back so far I can't see the light right now.

Sorry for the rant and jumbled mess of a post that didn't really say much other than allow me to get some of this out.

anon03 posted 10/23/2017 17:11 PM

99.9% his all hope is gone

Salty16 posted 10/23/2017 19:27 PM

anon03, ok... the results are in. You now know. Let yourself have time to process this before making decisions. Everyone says you should consult an attorney about child support. Have you done that yet?
Of course there will be many decisions to make. I wish I could help you, but I can only speculate. My situation is completely different. OC was 9 before I knew anything about her.

anon03 posted 10/24/2017 05:16 AM

Yes, I already have a child support order just in case and I'm glad I do. We beefed it up a bit so he owes me more just in case and so she will get less but still will get time and money now. the difference in money from zero contact and being involved is drastic.

I stayed up half the night worrying about contact now. She will be around and my child has a sibling. Never how I pictured my life. How did you ladies deal?

Salty16 posted 10/24/2017 06:54 AM

anon, I hope someone else does jump in to answer your question. I worry every day about them showing up on my doorstep, orders being served etc. I am not sure how I would handle it all. I know my kids want nothing to do with the OC. They do know they have my support in their choices, whatever they may be.
I am glad you have the child support secured.
What I assume is the most difficult part lies ahead though... hammering out visitation and the logistics of exchanges and acceptable modes of communication. Supervised exchanges may not always be possible and communication will always be necessary while raising a child. Definitely consult your attorney.
My heart goes out to you! I hope you continue to share as your experiences may help the next person.

anon03 posted 10/24/2017 07:43 AM

I think that is my fear. She can't just go away now. They have to communicate for the child. I know some have said to have NC but when we live an hour away it's hard and our family all live an hour the opposite direction so there is no one to be the intermediary. I know I can't make it there every time. I just don't know how it will work. He is already stretched thin with his job, us, the house, and his aging parents. I don't know when he will have the time first of all.

They are COMPLETLY different in the way they view things so there will be huge fights on how they parent.

Ugh. what did I do to have to deal with this!! GRRRR.

Salty16 posted 10/24/2017 10:16 AM

anon, what has your husband expressed about all of this? Does he want to have visitation? I am only asking because I know some non-custodial parents that are financially supportive, but not involved in the child's life for one reason or another.
If he wants visitation and to be involved a NC won't work. If a relative cannot act as the intermediary... maybe a public official (police or fireman) can act as such? At the very least, a public meeting place for any physical exchange of custody of the OC.

Dorothy123 posted 10/24/2017 10:44 AM

Salty, I'm so happy that this thread was made for you .

It's kind of funny that for two weeks other members here were directing you to a thread that didn't exist.

I was truly shocked , myself, to find out that this thread didn't exist.

I'm glad that you are getting the type of support that you truly need.

Just for that, you get a BIG sister to sister

Salty16 posted 10/24/2017 11:55 AM

Dorothy, thank you for all of your help!! YOU have been such a huge help to so many here. I still can't read very many posts before having to stop for a while.
I continue to have so many questions and just waiting to see if we get more response on this thread!
Thank you again for your advice, guidance and support :)

anon03 posted 10/24/2017 12:18 PM

He doesn't want to be a part of the childs life except that if he doesn't his amount goes up x3 or so. There will have to be contact and I'm not sure if I can handle that.

He adores our child and our life together and he says the second I found out I was pregnant everything clicked for him and he realized what he had. Little too late? Not sure.

I do feel bad that I accepted him back and we have been raising our child and now that the results are back I am questioning it all again. I knew how she got around and "just knew" it wasn't going to be his and I was wrong.

Part of me knows its ok to get upset and feel all this again and the other feels like I'm letting it bother me when I knew it was a possibility. I just don't know if I'm strong enough. I wish there were more posts in the section to read through and see what everyone else has gone through.

Salty16 posted 10/24/2017 13:20 PM

anon, I am sorry there is not more information. I have had issues dealing with the knowledge gained during my D-day and only found SI recently. It seems there had been a thread in the past with good information... but it had been removed and no longer available.
The common advice from responses to my other posts seems to be attorney and counseling. I know counseling can be expensive. If insurance covers counseling, you are generally limited on number of covered visits. However, you may find a benefit to counseling.

lexureyes posted 10/24/2017 14:45 PM

Hello all,
I was unable to find the "OC Handbook" but the following was in the healing library. Lots of helpful suggestions on starting this horrible journey.

Q: What if there is an OC? Submitted by PHOEBE
A: This complicates so many things in a marriage I cannot answer it all but will hit on the highlights. There are many questions that need to be answered when it comes to dealing with an other child. First you must find out if the child is the H with a DNA test? Seek out a family attorney to consult with. This is a must because a family must know their rights. Too many get empty threats from the OP involved and they do not know any better so tend to believe many things untrue. Try to protect yourself and your children of the marriage legally.

Does the married couple want contact or no contact? NC or C are not easy, keep in mind wait to make an informed decision. I want to make it clear it is usually easier to heal a marriage without contact with the OP/OC initially. Contact can always be established later on after the marriage is repaired or far along as it can be in the healing process to consider contact with the OC.

It is a personal decision to include OC in your household or not. Neither choice is good or bad. Consider that it may be great to have the OC involved in 2 seperate families that are amicable or it may be detrimental to the OC to have to deal with 2 hostile environments. Many times the OC was not planned and the adults involved cannot get along, take a step back and think long and hard about the child's best interest.

The OC is no more important than the COM or the BS. You do not have to change your lives around to accept anyone. I know you may want to fix everything for your Spouse but you must let him take responsibility for his own actions. DS this is some of what I have to say about this if someone has already answered it you can add it. This is a complicated situation with too many variables

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Q: How do I deal with continued contact with OW because of OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed
A: The decision on how to handle an OW/OC situation is a deeply personal one. Some BS find that they have it in their hearts to make the OC a part of their lives; others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this situation. However, when it is the WS's choice to have contact with the OC then certain "battle" lines must be drawn with the OW, to facilitate the re-establishment of trust in the marriage.

This is best accomplished by establishing a clear understanding between the BS and WS of what will and will not be acceptable or allowable boundaries. Here are some hypothetical:

NC whatsoever with OW/OC
Contact with OC possible but with BS present
Neutral zone for visitation; no visits at OW's home, etc.
Legally drawn up contract stating acceptable parameters for OW to contact WS.
These are just a few sample suggestions. Remember, once there is an OC involved, and paternity has been established, BOTH parents have rights. Make them work for you. It is unbalancing and counter-productive to find yourself on the defensive with the OW.

Establish, with the assistance of your spouse, what your "comfort zone" and rights are with the OW, then send a clear and UNIFIED message to the OW of what you will and will not tolerate. This helps the BS to re-establish some control over a situation that is tragic for all concerned, but in which they, along with the OC, are also a victim.

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Q: What do we tell our kids about OC? Submitted by Bee-Trayed
A: Many BSs express concern over telling their children about the existence of the OW/OC. Fear of emotional trauma to the COM, damage to the parental relationship between the WS and COM, or other negative consequences relating to the A abound. How, or if, a BS decides to divulge this information is also highly individual and neither right nor wrong. Family dynamics, the ages of the COM, and other factors unique to the BS's family environment influence the decision.

Relying on one's instinct is probably a good place to start. If there is any uncertainty as to the affect disclosure may cause, then it is probably better to wait until a more opportune time arises. Children are resilient, but that does not mean they should be unnecessarily wounded or burdened with this knowledge.

Examining one's motives for exposing the OW/OC's existence may be one aspect to consider. Preparing them for a possibly unpleasant encounter with OW/OC at a future date might be another. Knowledge is power, but not if it creates a destabilizing environment for the COM. Consider all options and then take your time making the decision. Choosing the right time or place, and striving to neutralize the emotionally charged nature of the subject, can make the difference between a "successful" disclosure and a devastating one.

Salty16 posted 10/24/2017 15:36 PM

Lexureyes... you are fabulous!!! Thank you for bringing this!
I honestly have such a hard time going over posts... I had not thought to dive further into THL! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Let me edit my above statement... looks like I did read those in the library! Wow, must have slept hard since then because they slipped my mind!

[This message edited by Salty16 at 3:42 PM, October 24th (Tuesday)]

Phoenix1 posted 10/24/2017 18:36 PM

Just remember that it boils down to what you are willing to deal with. Whether you stay in the M knowing what is ahead of you or you decide you simply can't do it and terminate the marriage, either is okay. It requires a lot of soul searching and very much an individual decision.

I guess I was "fortunate" not having to have either OC in my life. That is purely a matter of perspective because that only came about because I was lied to for over 15 years. Pick your poison.

If I had to have an OC in my life for possibly years ahead, and paying for the privilege through CS, I would not have been able to deal with it. That's just me, and I know the stress would have eaten me alive. It was the infidelity that ended my marriage. The OCs were just a coating of horrific icing on the top of the divorce cake.

I heartily applaud those that open their home to the OC and make it work. They are all much, much better people than I am.

Maisindu posted 10/24/2017 19:34 PM

This post is enlightening. Particularly because I was afraid she was pregnant with my WH's OC. I'm still not sure whether she is pregnant or not but I did tell WH if she wad, D was the only option for me. My WH has a child from a previous ONS (before our M) and she has only been trouble in our lives. So I know for sure I don't want to deal with all the chaos an OC would bring.
Thanks Phoenix for sharing your experience. It is eye-opening.

lexureyes posted 10/25/2017 07:43 AM

@Salty
Glad to help

Please everyone remember that you are not a bad person if you choose to have NC. Yes you hear about how it isn't the OC's fault, but it was not your or the COM either. So everyone going through this please promise to try to "not feel guilty" for not wanting OC around or even worse. It is par for the course (unfortunately)

You can look at many ways but this, NC is a way to protect and OC from people that are not joyous at his/her arrival. And most importantly protecting yourself from their existence.
Why would you want a person (OW) that obviously have no morals and codes of ethics around you and your family in any way. This situation rarely goes well with contact in anyway. Cheaters are going to cheat and having an excuse to maintain contact creates a perfect storm for continuing an affair. Also, be prepared for the OW to go crazy and contact his family with the story about how OC is neglected)

Not many people can relate to a situation like this. There are the people that are only able to think about the poor OC. There are people that will call you a horrible person for not "doing right" by OC. Please ignore them. It is almost impossible for anyone to have contact with an OC and their mother and salvage a marriage. Every time you see OC there is a living breathing reminder of the massive hurt you have been subjected to. Your partner has to agree and maintain no contact to repair the marriage. If there isn't that level of dedication to fix the wrong, then don't prolong the inevitable. If there is contact between your spouse and baby momma there is a massively large probability that they will continue at some point, the affair.

Also see an attorney ASAP, if noting else than to protect your financial assets. See what your rights are and most states have a first come first serve notion for child support. They say when child support is calculated they take into account COM, but they don't. If there is an opportunity to file first, please do so ASAP.
Some situations call for life insurance and such. See an attorney and make sure there is a super tiny policy and that a will is made to make sure COM are insured your assets in case of death. Seems obscure, but I have been on here long enough to see unfortunate events happen and OW's pounce on the situation to get them selves more money.

I have lived this situation and have come out stronger and more enlightened, due to it. It hurts like no other situation I have ever endured. Please take note that time does make the pain less. Also watch your spouse and see if their actions are what they should be. There is no need for them to be at the birth or anything else. They only need to fulfill a financial obligation to OC. You and your children's lives should be the only this on your Waywards mind. They should be bending over backwards to make sure this situation has as little impact on you as possible.

My heart goes out to everyone here. It sucks, it really does. There is a living reminder of what your spouse did to you.

Peace to you all
Lex

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