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Dealing with OC

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hurt83 posted 9/12/2019 16:57 PM

[This message edited by hurt83 at 5:02 PM, September 12th (Thursday)]

hurt83 posted 9/12/2019 17:00 PM

Salty16: I'm not sure why, but I do feel guilty. When I first found out, I told him that I didn't want them (ow and oc) in my life. He recently told me that he probably would have a relationship with her if it weren't for me. I think he's is trying to protect me, our kids, and the marriage we rebuilt. I'm afraid that I will be to blame when it all comes out.

Salty16 posted 9/12/2019 18:55 PM

Hurt, so... is your WH expressing interest in contact or is this only your concern?

hurt83 posted 9/13/2019 06:42 AM

Salty16: mostly only mine. I think he's holding back because of me. He doesnt talk about much to me bc he doesn't want to upset me.

Walkingthewire posted 9/18/2019 18:28 PM

She told us she was pregnant. But her dates didnít line up at all. Her due date put conception a month ( or more) after he left.
Sheís had her child. At first I was worried that he looked like my WH. As heís getting older ( about 4 months old now) he looks absolutely nothing like my WH.
Yes I FB stalked hoebag. I had to know.
Iíll likely never know if he is or is not my husbandís child.
It kills me daily and itís something I canít get passed.
We struggled with infertility for years, my issues. We canít have anymore kids and it all just crushes my heart daily.

ScarredSurviver posted 10/2/2019 15:57 PM

My WW's last A that I'm aware of supposedly ended roughly 4-5 months before she conceived our first DS. After finding some pictures of the AP's kids there are some traits that gave me pause and I started to question if the A really ended when I was told it had. My other 3 kids definitely have more in common with me, but the eldest looks a lot like my FIL, but it wouldn't take a big imagination to think he looks like OM's kids. Posture, physique, jaw, etc.

After a few weeks of deciding weather or not I would want to know if he was mine I finally took the paternity test. Now I'm just waiting on the results. It's freaking nerve wracking.

I'm seriously afraid that I may find out that the child that I've raised for nearly 12 years may not be mine. If he's not it may be more crushing than Dday. If he's not mine do I tell anyone? How do you explain it to DS and the other kids? Do I tell the OM or just keep it a family secret? So many what if questions are going through my head right now.

I haven't told my W about the test yet and I may not until I get the results. She's been adamant from the start that there's no way it's not mine, but we all know that cheaters have trouble with honesty from time to time.

Then on the other hand if he is my child, I have nothing to worry about. Way to much going on between my ears right now. I've been in a pissy mood since I sent it to the lab last week, but I can't really tell anyone around me till I know.

I got confirmation from the testing facility that they have the sample and should have a determination by Friday afternoon. It's going to be a long 48 hours. How do you find a way to not obsess about it till you get the results? Thanks for letting me vent for a minute.

LosferWords posted 10/9/2019 18:16 PM

ScarredSurviver - Just now seeing this. Did you get the results back from the DNA test?

ScarredSurviver posted 10/11/2019 10:00 AM

Yes, thank God he's mine. Thanks for checking in. It was a long 11 days.

I told my W about it the day before I got the results and she said that's fine she wasn't worried. I tried to use it as a fishing expedition to see if I would get some type of parking lot confession, but she never wavered. Maybe this was one thing she was honest about.

The old lies and TT really screwed with my head and it's hard to know what's real sometimes. It's easy to develop conspiracy theories and what if scenarios under those circumstances. I'm still mad at her that I even have to sort this mess out in my head. Never should have had to deal with it in the first place. The best description that I've heard on SI was felling like a bipolar monkey, that's so true.

LosferWords posted 10/11/2019 10:24 AM

Wow, that is such a relief. Thanks for checking back in with the update! This is one less thing you'll have to heal from, thank goodness.

ScarredSurviver posted 10/11/2019 11:05 AM

Yea, if the test had gone the other way I'd be sitting with an attorney today instead of at work.

fournlau posted 10/18/2019 20:30 PM

My Story:

I just recently found this site and it has been so incredibly helpful. I read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair and had WH read it as well. We both found it very revealing and helped us move forward. Unfortunately, there is nothing in there about OC's.

I found out about A Oct 2018 and was also told about OW's pregnancy. In fact WH told me that her pregnancy was the only reason he even told me. It was difficult living through those first few months and I had my first ever panic attack.

We spoke to an attorney and went ahead with NC unless and until OC was born and a paternity test was ordered.

OC was born in May (day before Mother's Day, that was great), and I have been waiting for that shoe to drop. WH doesn't want anything to do with OC and let her know when she told him she was pregnant. She decided to keep it. She tried to keep him engaged in the pregnancy etc. by texting him information about Dr's appointments and sonogram pics. He, sadly, fell into it before I blew up at his idiocy! (This was before we talked to the lawyer). She began to accuse him of not caring (duh) and being a cold hearted asshole. Asking if he'd always been so cold and heartless. She really thought he was going to be part of the process. OW was rather mouthy when we finally let her know absolutely NC, as if she was the wronged party.

Since OC was born, she has sent 2 photos and a strange text about the details of the birth and stating that she was going to send a certified letter with the same information. I don't know why. Never got a letter. She has not asked for a paternity test, nor has she asked for money. We did discuss suing for full custody as at that time we both had jobs, a large house, and raised kids successfully, while she was a single mom (of two other kids with two different fathers) and barely making it work. Maybe she got spooked or scared that she would loose custody, IDK.

We are in a very different situation now. We moved out of state and I have no job. The job WH has does not pay as much as his previous job but we are still doing ok because he has retirement (from Air Force) and disability that comes in every month. Still, not as much as we had before. Not sure how custody would work across country. Or even if I want that. I have to admit, I would rather have NC with either OW or OC. My baby is 14 years old and I don't want to raise another woman's bastard.

I don't hold anything against the OC, they are innocent, but like someone else said in this thread, so am I, and so are my children. Might I change my mind later on? Maybe, right now it is too new and painful for that kind of reminder in my life.

I've seen a lot of advice on getting a lawyer and filing for CS of our CoM but is that possible if we are still married and trying to R? I also worry that in a few years, again, like someone posted in this thread, OW comes at us wanting retroactive CS.

I've read the whole thread and taken some notes, but it still really sucks that with everything else, this has to be dealt with as well. My feelings are complicated and in all honesty, there is no good option here. Nobody wins in this situation.

hopefullife posted 10/25/2019 13:54 PM

I'm new to this thread. My WH clearly knows I have a soft spot for children. The child has nothing to do with his lying manipulative parents, but it hurts to know their A produced a magical being which brings so much joy to people. My feelings won't matter anymore because the child will always take priority and I understand that.

My WH left me for the OW and their child and it hurts. I'm the one with the ring, but it feels like I'm the one destroying a family. How do you get past that feeling? How do you know to put yourself first especially if you don't have a kid of your own? It feels like by default I've been defeated.

hopefullife posted 11/1/2019 01:47 AM

So I just found out that my WH and OW gave the child to the grandparents cause they couldn't take care of him anymore. I honestly don't know what to feel about this. I think it's good that the child will be nurtured by very loving grandparents, away from the daily toxicity of his own parents. But I also think about what now? Are they going to live like H and W now and be with my STBX's family during events and they will just accept her like it's nothing wrong?

We are no longer together, he left for the OW but we are not yet officially unmarried. I know I should no longer care, but I can't help but care as long as we're still married on paper. Why do they get to be okay and me so broken and all alone.

Walkingthewire posted 12/9/2019 09:19 AM

Hoebag contacted my in-laws in September. She told my MIL that this child was his. FWH denies that the child is his and that he used protection.
Iíve seen this child and he has no features of my husband, my children or any of his family. And those genes are usually very strong. All the grandkids and great grand kids have the same facial features. They all look like family. Whereas he has none of those features. There are several ethnicities and races mixed into his family too.

Hoebag and her child live 7k miles away in another country.
If she comes here I will file for custody if the child is his.
Her friends think Iím just going to roll over and Iím not.

Salty16 posted 1/13/2020 00:29 AM

Maybe it's just me, but I have noted lately that there seem to be more posts about OCs. Mostly I have resigned to lurking. And most times I still can't read entire threads.
To those of you that have an OC factored into your journey through the knowledge of an A. No matter what your circumstances are... no matter what your choices may be. Know that you aren't alone.

hopefullife posted 1/13/2020 06:31 AM

I noticed that too.

Sometimes I think would we have reconciled should there have been no OC. I was left for the OC (so he says, but not really). The OC was factored in why the OW meant so much more than me. I'm just the wife, she is the mother of his child. We had no kid, made it a lot easier for him to decide.

It feels like they've been blessed for destroying my life. I know how important a child's life is, I'd put my own first more than anything if I ever have one. But it aches. It's making me feel like I have no right to be hurt because the child is priority. That by default, I should let go. I am letting him go, I don't deserve a POS in my life. But it's like I automatically lost a battle before I even had the chance to fight.

IWMWWCT1920 posted 1/19/2020 16:01 PM

I had a moment today filled with anger and confusion. I will never understand how a woman can rejoice and be happy about a child brought forth from an affair with a married man. Take children being a blessing out of the equation for a moment. How does one move forward knowing you have intentionally gotten pregnant to ensure destruction of another womanís family. That you sat by and played an active role knowing the scumbag was deceiving his whole family to be with you. Why on earth does the scumbag accomplice gets to ride off happy with her decision and the wife is left to pick up the pieces of herself and try to keep her children together. Where is the fairness in that?

hopefullife posted 1/19/2020 19:38 PM

OW who intentionally trap married men with a child are as sick as the husbands. They are selfish to the extreme. They did not even care to think about the child, only themselves.

It's never fair in infidelity.

Walkingthewire posted 1/28/2020 11:51 AM

Its because they don't care about the BS. Only about themselves. Same as the WS is a selfish scumbag too.

I have still from time to time look at hoebag's FB. There is a very high probability that her child is not my husband's. He looks nothing like my kids or my husband's baby pictures or any of his family. IDK though. He is still no contact 14 months later and has said that he wants nothing to do with her. There is nothing she could say to convince him otherwise.
She still wont go away and is still trying to make herself relevant by harassing me. Her friends are too.

fournlau posted 2/6/2020 19:17 PM

We've decided to change WH's phone number so she can no longer contact him. She was giving him updates about the OC (unwanted). And at this point, if she isn't going to file for paternity, there is no reason to have contact at all. In fact, I have insisted, that even if it turns out to be his, I want all financials to go through a third party. There is NO reason for her to know any of our contact information. WH has expressed no desire to have a relationship with OC (a fact he told her when she informed him that she was pregnant - I still think she did it on purpose and her continued attempt to stay relevant in his life seems to be some proof of that).

Changing the phone # will be a clear message that her intrusion is not wanted without having to correspond with her at all. We are seeing a lawyer on the 18th and hopefully can finally put this to rest. I do feel bad for OC, but I have me and my children to think of and they come first. If WH ever wants to have a relationship with OC (if it turns out to be his) I will not stand in his way, but I have also made it clear, that it will not be with me at his side.

If I was on the outside looking in I would be the first to say the man has at the very least, a financial responsibility. But, I am not, I'm on the inside and everything in me is screaming to take care of our family first. I will not let his stupidity ruin my children's lifestyle. Neither I or them were responsible for his wandering dick!

I guess I'm still pretty pissed about the whole thing! An OC adds a whole shitty layer to the infidelity and betrayal! I don't hate OW, I feel sorry for her. She now has 3 children by three different men, none of which are in the picture or want anything to do with her. I'm not saying having different children with different men is something to be ashamed of, and I suppose it's possible she didn't intend to have any of these children in these situations, still, I'm pretty sure she wanted my life and thought she could push me out. Sadly for her, even if I had left my WH, the last thing he wanted was to be in a real relationship with this woman. All he wanted was the sex, and she was more than willing, even eager, to provide it.

Of course, some of this is only from what WH has said. although he has said that she was not a whore.......so I take it all with a grain of salt.

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