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Dealing with OC

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13

Brokendreamlife posted 10/14/2018 13:42 PM

I'm approx 3 weeks from the birth and I feel like I am in a cruel countdown. Countdown to the most awful consequence of the A, but also,countdown to see WS response, as that will dictate how or if I am able to move forward with him. At the minute I am just taking it 1 day at a time,

Salty16 posted 10/16/2018 12:52 PM

MamaB, I would talk with your counselor and maybe they can help you determine an age appropriate approach once you know FOR SURE that this child is a sibling and will be spending time in their home and sharing their father. I hope it all goes as smoothly as possible. I know there are members that have been in similar situations. Maybe they will have some advice.
I (& I am sure everyone else shares the same opinion) know it is not the fault of the OC. They and the MC are innocent. They should not have to suffer due to the mistakes and choices of the APs, WSs or the BSs. I do believe each situation is unique and should be viewed as such.

Broken, I am so sorry you are stuck waiting for the bomb to go off. Then it will be more waiting for DNA to return a result :( you are in my thoughts!!

Brokendreamlife posted 10/23/2018 01:39 AM

Thanks Salty. I am having a really bad few days with it all. It triggers my grief that I never explored when we lost a child. One of the main reasons I can't have oc in my life is because it will be a constant reminder of what I lost, what I want and how i wish it had been me instead of her Countdown is VERY loud.

Brokendreamlife posted 10/24/2018 13:09 PM

The bomb went off... WS got a text this morning with 2 photos and a message saying this is your son, born 5 days ago.
I couldn't stop shaking. I've had to cancel all work commitments for the forseeable future as I just can't cope with this pain.
I told him he needed to at least acknowledge the message and so he replied 'Thank you for updating me, I will arrange for my part of the DNA test to be completed asap, and arrange any monies subsequent to that". He then deleted the message and pictures. I feel so vulnerable and in such pain

Salty16 posted 10/24/2018 15:21 PM

Broken, what sort of person is this? Born 5d ago? Please tell me that she had the DNA testing completed in the hospital, clinic or health dept through a reputable lab and that it is not a "store brand" or general information DNA test. Those are not able to be submitted in court.
(((Hugs))) to you. Many thoughts and wishes for support.

Brokendreamlife posted 10/24/2018 16:48 PM

Where we are, to have a court legal test, it has to be done once the child is registered. Then a copy of the registration document is sent off with the test, which a medical professional has to complete. WS ordered the tests at great expense. She has an appointment to register it on the 7th, so the test can't be done until then.

Salty16 posted 11/17/2018 10:17 AM

Just wondering how everyone is doing with the holiday season fast approaching.

anon03 posted 12/5/2018 09:04 AM

This question is a semi legal one for all of those who got cs for common children and still reside in the same home. The ow is fighting that wh shouldn't get our amount credited from cs because we live together. Any of you won this part? Hopefully that was enough information for you to know what I'm asking if not let me know.

Berly posted 12/8/2018 16:08 PM

anon03 - sorry, I can't offer any advice, I never filed for child support for our common children and my WH and his fOW settled on child support out of court.

I just wanted to offer some positivity for the upcoming holidays for those of you who are still in the trenches of it all.

The way the custody agreement is with us - the OC spends christmas eve and most of christmas day with the mom and then christmas evening she comes over to our house and stays for a couple of days.

The first year - I was super embarrassed in front of our family and friends when the mom dropped her off in the evening. Part of me felt like christmas was ruined and I was hit with a lot of anxiety at the whole situation. But I managed to get throught it.

Now - the holidays are coming and I couldn't be more excited for that Christmas evening when we'll all be together. No anxiety, no embarrassment, just an imperfect family living life and celebrating.

My point - it gets easier with time and work and effort. Hang in there everyone!

Onetoughmama posted 1/17/2019 12:53 PM

New to posting but unfortunately been lurking for a few months. For all you super sluths, is there a way to truly find out if a OC has been born via some kind of records? WH supposedly got his COW pregnant, due in the last couple days but zero contact until a random phone call yesterday. He didn't answer, she didn't leave any message or text or even attempt yo call back. After looking at all kinds of FB pages, I'm not seeing ANYTHING that is confirming a baby short of 1 Instagram picture of an ultrasound with all personal info missing, 1 picture of her older children next to a cared pumpkin that says "baby" back at Halloween and 2 registries with 0 items bought

goldfishturtle posted 1/28/2019 06:14 AM

Hello, I am reading the forum for bit, but this is my first post. I am trying to get some perspective on one of the fears that i have, some of you might have gone throu a similar situation.

So I want to ask if any of you, when a DS or DD is not genetically yours and finds out bluntly and maybe even worse than bluntly, especially pre-teens, how did you support him/her? We have IC support, but i am afraid of the consequences regardless. As a clarification if you do not want to read the story bellow, my DS is from my point of view mine in all aspects, took care of him from hour 1, and while i accept the genetic inconsistency (i hid this from myself for years), i consider it changes nothing for me.


I am going to try to give some awareness into the situation. As a resume, my WS had 3 A that i found out of, a short one with AP1, then another short one with the same AP1, and i found out as DD1. It also might have actually been a LTA. Didnt set clear boundries then, we were in our early 20ís, so in the span of 15 years, she had another short affair with AP2, then came back to AP1 for a LTA, and in the same time she got involved in another short term A with AP3, then i found out again as DD2. It might have been more, i was not interested to dig more at the time.

The ďnot interestedĒ came from how i found out the details, in short i flipped skills that i have for work and used them on the AP1 devices (he was cocky enough to contact and belittle me, just as AP3 did), and gotten more details that i could handle from those devices. They consisted of convos that exposed AP2 and AP3 (he was furious about them), pictures, videos, the lot. When i saw the pictures (only looked at 2 of them) and the existence of videos, i securedly erased them. They might have existed as backups or on other devices not accessed, didnít leave a lurking timed script for that. The meticulosity of sorting and storing convos, media files, locations etc shocked me enough to not want to dig more into that pile.

1-2 years prior to DD2, i went into IC for issues with my older DS (i snapped at him), and my WW went into IC for what i considered to be work and parenting related stress. In my IC i slowly realized that i was covering up from myself a serious issue, my DS is not genetically mine and i knew it actually before birth and covered up. I actively worked on that to be good with me and my DS and my WS. And from what we (me, WW and our IC's) worked out, me being ok with myself and being a better person than i was before (i shook of a gaming addiction, took sport, stoped wasting money, made time for myself, for the kids, for her, vacations, let her go alone in vacations while i was with the kids - btw that was when A3 took place), made her inner justifications fall apart.

So while the extent of the affairs shocked me again, i took this stress far better and was able to stand my ground after i sort of got back on my own 2 feet. I was able to tell her ďfind out what you want and why you are doing this, then let's revisit our M againĒ. She used A3 as an exit affair from me and A1, she was not ok with where she was, but caved when it sinked in that i will not divorce or punish her and that she has to sort herself out. Including if she wanted, to go ahead with D, but she had to make the steps and own them.

I did not tell her that i know about the DS, since i realized that there is nothing that witll change him from my DS into anything else, didnít tell her i knew about AP2-AP3 either. It took 2-3 months of sour life and acting until something snapped in her and she told me IC knows all this, confessed to her Aís, she confessed the DS situation, i told her i knew, and i also told her i knew about the pictures, she was shocked. She said she actually didnít know about them. She told me AP1 know about the DS as well.

She send the AP1 a hastly NC message, the AP1 tried to mock me, tried to contact her, got furious, offered to show me photos, ugly. She slipped a month after and replied to a message when the AP1 son was born and responded with a few messages, but told me and them blocked him for good. I did not expose the A to the AP1 BS because she was late pregnant, had lost another one, and i was in IC and the therapist considered it far too much for the mother and child. The AP1 has tried numerous times to either contact her to talk, or me to mock (anon sms, attempts to access my email, fake fb profile), but i and my WS did block him every time and maintained a strict NC. We are in R, working with ourselves, together and separate, with IC, and its bumpy but we are both committed to it.

We asked for legal advise also, not in terms of child support or that, but in shielding the DD from the AP1. We have 2 types of suits ready to go if its the case, and the finances to back them up and block him. So legally he has no chance i think to come at DS, because of a concept called "the higher interest of the child", until DS is 18.

We asked our ICís for advice in this matter, we took our son to a child IC that was briefed about the situation and she tried to asses the situation, she gave him coping tools that he can use both in day to day life, but specifically aimed at a potential disclosure, but the general consensus between 3 ICís is that as long as our situation is stabilizing, working and committing to the M, we love him and accept him, it should not be disclosed for at least a medium time horizon, and maybe never. On the other hand only my IC handled a man in my situation, from what i understood his case was simpler in terms of A timeline but he caved, went for D, shuned the kid and left therapy and country. The other IC had no first hand experience with non-parental-identity.

I tightened security around our virtual life, house, devices, but if AP1 want badly, he can contact either of us (and we wont respond) or worse our DS for an unregulated disclosure.

Due to a different/unrelated and recent situation at work, my email became evidence in a legal investigation thou, so the attempts at my email address became part of that and are followed by authorities, i think his IP address is being served a IT search warrant soon (and he is unaware of it). I know its his home IP address because i used contacts at ISP to get street address and contract holder for that IP the first time it happened. Hence my question, right now this can make the AP1 cave and lash out in full force, including at our DS. Or run for the hills never to be seen since things got serious and he can face legal consequences for attempts at my email and the media files themselves.

[This message edited by goldfishturtle at 6:18 AM, January 28th (Monday)]

FindingPeace19 posted 2/10/2019 14:50 PM

Is there anyone on here who does not have children of their own with their spouse or who could maybe provide some advice, kind words or reassurance?

WS talks about having children of our own someday but I am still traumatized by the affair and the fact that he had an OC. We live in a different state from OC and OW. He wasn't there for OW's pregnancy or OC's birth and is not on the birth certificate but we know it's his. He pays support and sees OC via video chat and when he is in town. OW is engaged to another man. I personally don't have contact with OC and have never met her and I would rather have nothing to do with any of it.

I am almost 3 years past DDAY. WS wants me to forgive and move on. I wanted kids but I wanted my first child to be his first child too and now that will never happen so I don't see the point in having children at all. I feel like the specialness is gone.

Am I being irrational?

Fantayworld posted 2/14/2019 12:27 PM

I am one that didnít have children with my WH but he had OC with his AP. I think he always wanted children more than I did but I also think I subconsciously didnít want a child with NPD XWH. I recently divorced him. I feel hated towards the OC, right or wrong, itís how I feel. Doesnít really matter though since his new family will never be part of my life. Iím so upset that I lost my chance to be a biological mother. Iím too old now at 45. If I could go back, I wouldíve trusted my gut and left him before he started his LTA. I thought about it, but I was dependent and needy due to FOO issues of my own.

If you still are young enough, my advice is to leave him and find someone who will remain faithful and committed to your vows. That will make a good father. Iím happy we donít have a kid together but it kills me that he has one with the ugly whore.

plainpain posted 2/26/2019 21:55 PM

Wondering if anyone has any thoughts on why OW would ignore and avoid us for 5+ years, and then out of the blue file for child support and shared custody?

We've been basically NC, except for the few times that she's messaged one of my children. She ignored our requests for DNA testing and our openness to paying child support. Suddenly she's offering up visitation and custody??

Is this typical? I don't even know how to feel right now. DNA testing happens tomorrow.

Salty16 posted 2/28/2019 10:03 AM

Plain, if I had to wager a few guesses... and I am playing devil's advocate here since you have offered DNA testing and child support in the past with no cooperation.
1) whoever OW has been involved with until now is not helping
2) she needs the additional cash
3) wants to be able to go out and is looking for free weekends
4) maybe... just maybe... she is simply trying to honor your previous request.

So she has messaged your kids and there is no DNA proving OC belongs to your spouse??? Classy. She must get tips from the OW my FWH hooked up with.
Ps... I hope all goes well today.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 10:03 AM, February 28th (Thursday)]

plainpain posted 3/4/2019 09:59 AM

I keep thinking the pain of all this will kill me, but it never does. Anxiety is the worst.

Sgar33 posted 3/21/2019 18:40 PM

I need help! The OW sent my husband a text saying we no longer see the child every Sunday for 3 hours ...It will be every 1st , 3rd and 5th weekend... thatís fine...but she continues to blame me for everything... the first time we spoke she ambushed me in my car and expected me to have a civil conversation with her... she spoke ill about my children while asking me to love her child ..:she blamed me for my husband not being the father heís supposed to be to her son. In her text today she told my husband that she will no longer bend over backwards for us. Excuse me ..: I leave my children at home on Sundays to visit yours ... I have two teenagers and a10 year old... and they do not know whatís going on by my choice ..and even if they knew she wants her son to be fully involved in my family ...she told me I need to get over it and move on... seriously whoís says shit like that... when I decide to tell my children is my decision. And still she thinks her son is just going to come over and spend the night just like that ... sheís crazy ... I will never make my children uncomfortable or do something they are not ready for ... it is not their fault this happened to them. This women has been living in La la since day one ... the crazy shit she says is unbelievable... she wants me to come inside her house and for us to feel comfortable around each other . Why do I need to go inside her house ... why do I need to feel comfortable around her ... she is nothing to me... I will not sit around there and watch her and my husband play with the child ... itís just crazy to me ... shes acting as if sheís the ex wife or something ... she forgot her role in this ... she is the mistress ... Iím not a idiot ... weíve been working extremely hard on our relationship and marriage for this whore to continue to throw her demands at me...I swear this women needs to vanish from my thoughts all together!!

Merida posted 3/23/2019 08:51 AM

I would hope you and your husband are a team, first of all

and second you can option to honestly do the work-around and hopefully restore some peace in your family's life to "help" your OW/OC find an actual full time husband by agreeing to her situation

seriously I don't understand your husband's "need for play time" as I think your OW makes a rational case to end the contact so you all can go your separate ways in a healthy way so that she can finally move the heck on and get an actual father that won't have the shadow stink of A in raising that OC.

IMO your husband needs to really focus on what is best for the OC and that is being raised in a stable home environment without conflict and fighting and that can be best achieved by ending contact.

That OC will always be a half-sibling but there doesn't need to be drama when it comes to raising young kids so I would highly encourage you both to encourage her decision to stand up for herself and demand more time to go fix her mess and get a full time available man in her life instead of sucking off of yours

and yes I speak from experience and yes her counselors agreed a clean break was best and yes the door is open to the OC down the road

We are all one big messy family genetically speaking since we are all human... I don't need drama in my raising my blessings to know who they are in relationship to their Creator and to develop a healing spirit so I am a huge fan of ending the whole hurt people hurt people cycle and I pray you and your husband move forward to end the drama-mamma manipulation

be blessed as you process = this tribe ain't for the weak so know you are stronger internally than you may see yourself externally

Sgar33 posted 3/24/2019 12:08 PM

The OW is blaming my husband for not fully accepting their son into my family ... She accuses him of trying to keep him a secret. She asks my husband every time we pick up her son if we have told my children yet... thatís its been a year already and she will no longer play this charade anymore...like I said what does my children knowing have to do with her ...does she think the baby will start spending weekends at my house once my children know ... Iím sorry thatís not going to happen ... what I meant about her wanting for me to go inside her house is because we have a set time to pick up and now she wonít wake him up from his nap we need to wait for him to wake up ... so she said I can come inside and wait ... like seriously.. we live our lives around the baby taking a nap.. I donít want to go inside her house .. do you expect me to sit there and watch the ow and my husband tend to the child .. ugh no Iím not putting myself in that situation! She also told my husband we were invited to his birthday party... now why would I put myself through that ... around her judgmental family and friends ... like I says before she asks the most craziest shit ... she has forgotten who she is ... she just needs to move on with her life

Merida posted 3/27/2019 17:42 PM

Sgar33 - I would agree with her = stop the charade and back out completely. Let her have time to be a complete family of two.

End the drama by ending contact and allow what is best for the OW to make her own family independently

Your husband is just a sperm donor that shouldn't prevent that OC from having a full time man love both him and his momma free of all the A-stink

seriously all she's after is attention

that is why IMO "crickets" and the "grey rock" method is the best response

Why keep riding that roller coaster ride as it seems only to delay your healing?

that's my two cents...

peace as you process

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