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Dealing with OC

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Salty16 posted 9/21/2018 22:46 PM

FamilyMan, I respect that. I am sorry that your mother has reacted this way. Obviously since she discussed her suspicions with other family it can't be too much of a shock. I do hope that she is able to think of the children. If she acts differently toward them or makes offhand remarks... they will notice. Kids pick up more than we give them credit. Closest I can come to it is the fact I had my daughter as a single mother then met my husband. He adopted her. His mother made a difference over the "bio" grandkids and her for a long time. And yes it had an impact. She was 2 & a half when we got together... still such a little person and this woman treated her like an outsider. She finally cut it out mostly... but not before she caused several fights and issues.
I truly wish you the best. Your children are so fortunate to have a dad that loves them. I hope grandma sees the light and finds love in her heart for all. It sure isn't your little one's fault. Your mom should be proud she raised a son that can love a child like you do.

sensibletinch posted 9/23/2018 06:01 AM

FamilyMan, your mother should be supporting you in your struggle and not making it about her.

Your decision to raise that baby is commendable, and your mother should be proud of you and asking how to help instead of being mad.

In other threads you yourself have said that you need to grow a spine in dealing with your wife; that idea also applies here. You have decided to be the baby's father, and that's way more important than being the sperm donor. If you treat your three kids the same, so should your mother; if she won't, you will have to consider her a toxic influence in your kids' life. Grandparents are important in a person's life, but nowhere near as important as parents and siblings.

plainpain posted 9/29/2018 18:14 PM

I haven't been on here in so long. It's been over five years since the A, and I can definitely say that I am healed from that. We knew OW had a baby, and she said it was my husband's, but she didn't answer when we requested a paternity test. We assumed she wanted to be left alone, or that the baby wasn't my husband's.

So, five years later, he just got served for retroactive child support. And I feel like I am traumatized and about to lose everything all over again.

Now we have to somehow come up with money to get a retainer for a lawyer, to order a paternity test. I'm wanting grandchildren at this point in my life - not this.

I need some sort of word of encouragement. I just feel sick. Five years later, how are we supposed to explain this to our children and families and friends?

What are the chances that OW slept with more than one guy in the same general time frame, and that the baby is not my husband's?

At least we'll finally know, one way or the other.

Salty16 posted 9/30/2018 12:46 PM

Plain, I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation. You definitely need the best legal counsel you can afford. Each state is different in respect to the ability to file for retrospective child support and if it is back dated to a specific amount of time, to birth or inclusive of maternity costs and hospital/ Dr billing. There are many variables and you are best advised by an attorney. I would think the 2 facts you have in favor are (1) no paternity has been established yet (2) OW did not request child support before now nor did she make attempts to encourage your WS and the OC to build a relationship (& him to acknowledge the OC as his).
In my opinion, yes there is always the possibility there is at least 1 other potential donor. So it is best to have paternity established by DNA testing that is admissable in court.

plainpain posted 9/30/2018 18:22 PM

Thank you for the empathy. I live in Canada, so at least there won't be any hospital/Dr. bills to pay - I guess there are still some things to be grateful for.

MamaBlue posted 10/4/2018 08:42 AM

Hello. Iím still getting used to all the acronyms.

I found out about two months ago. It was with one of my best friends. She is now expecting a baby in April.

I mean...how? Just how do you cope? It feels impossible. WH and I have two children together and have been married for 7 years. I have no idea how to tell them and what questions they will have.

My heart wants to heal but is so, so broken.

Salty16 posted 10/4/2018 10:20 AM

MamaBlue, in a nutshell... you need to visit an attorney (secure child support for your kids NOW and find out your rights and your kids rights... if you and hubby are working through things then HE needs to know his rights and the proper steps), paternity testing is a must once baby is born and BEFORE your hubby signs anything like the birth certificate and you should visit your Dr for STD testing.
I wouldn't tell the kids until you know for sure (after paternity testing).
Get counseling for each you and husband... and marriage counseling.
I don't make a habit of digging around SI for other bits and pieces to the backstories of posters. So if there is more, I am sorry I didn't address it.
One day at a time MamaB... one day at a time.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 10:22 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

Brokendreamlife posted 10/4/2018 14:50 PM

**removed due to me emotional posting**

[This message edited by Brokendreamlife at 11:53 AM, October 5th (Friday)]

Salty16 posted 10/5/2018 12:31 PM

BrokenDream... I hope that if she is attempting contact, that information has been shared with your attorney. The same should go for however your WH is notified about the birth. I read through one of your threads which isn't common for me, and I have to echo another person by stating 99.9999% is not 100. Your husband should not give her items or money and all correspondence should be through the attorney. I also have to say that a "woman" stating she is looking for a sperm donor ONLY, then proceeds to request money, items and CS... is NOT only looking for a sperm donor. They are after a commitment and the thrill. (women who want no ties go to their OB/GYN and work through a sperm bank to make their baby dreams come true.)
And I want to bring something to your attention. In my situation it was similar... OW wanted a live sperm donor. My WH stupidly fell for the ego stroking and decided for whatever reason that it would be ok. Jump 10 years later and OW contacts my younger daughter with the info... welcome to my DDay Hell. Then a few weeks ago... the OC contacts both my younger daughter and my son (both of which are possibly her 1/2 siblings) via social instant messenger. Every single day we wonder if either one will make contact again. Both DD2 and DS were told about A and OC so they at least were prepared for future contact attempts. Just know that OW will possibly give the OC just enough information that they are curious and kids today are very tech savvy. Where there is a will, they will find a way to contact. I suggest preparing your COM as best as possible when you see fit.

Brokendreamlife posted 10/5/2018 15:45 PM

Thank you Salty. The DNA test is being ordered and she will take her part to hospital with her to complete it once oc is born. Our ds is in his teens, so it gives us a few years for him to mature a bit, before we think about telling him.
OW is being very spiteful and putting things in her emails that are very obviously there to hurt and or make me angry with WS. She planned this pregnancy and thought she could trap him. Now that she only has half the plan, she is pi**ed with him and obviously blames me.
I feel so vulnerable and alone today. I want to run away and pretend it never happened I can actually feel the hours ticking closer and closer to when OC arrives. Due early Nov, so realistically it could be any time.

Salty16 posted 10/5/2018 16:57 PM

Broken, have you spoken with your attorney about a cease and desist letter or filing charges against her for harassment?

Brokendreamlife posted 10/5/2018 17:17 PM

It works a bit differently in the UK. I have told WS that if she continues then I will go to see a solicitor for advice about a cease contact letter. I can see only 1 contact require and that is to say oc is born. No need for any further contact.

MamaBlue posted 10/10/2018 08:53 AM

WH and I are still together and will be sharing custody 50/50 with his AP, my former best friend. We have a unique situation that I canít fully discuss, but the three of us have decided to work together amicably in the best interest of the child. The A is over and any contact outside of child-related is ceased.

I am wondering if anyone has advice on how they broke the news about a child to their family? I am experiencing a lot of anxiety surrounding that. I also need to break the news to our children (7 and 5). I know initially they will be excited, but I donít know how to answer the questions they might have for me.

I would love to hear stories from those who have successfully navigated (or are currently navigating) this situation. I know I am in for a bumpy road but I am hopeful.

Brokendreamlife posted 10/10/2018 16:56 PM

Mamablue I admire your grace in being able to do that. For me it was definitely a case of no contact with AP and OC. It would always be a reminder of what WH did. OC is due in 5 weeks time and the pain of just even knowing that is unbearable to me. So, I take my hat off to you for being a bigger person than I can be. I'm sure it will be incredibly tough, but if you are 100% committed to helping to bring AP child up, then I wish you strength, courage and peace.

MamaBlue posted 10/10/2018 22:01 PM

Broken, thank you for your kind words. I read one of your previous posts. I am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling. I also suspected in my case the pregnancy was planned to trap my husband. Now I think it was mostly a case of her just being an extremely selfish person and making decisions that were based solely on her own ambitions. Either way it is a tough pill to swallow, but initially I was the same as you, I wanted no contact with her or her child. I understand how devastating this is and I am so, so sorry youíre having to experience it. Big hugs.

kn80 posted 10/11/2018 17:36 PM

Hello - I'm new here and am feeling SO many crazy emotions.... and maybe I'm not even posting in the correct forum (I guess I'll find out!).
In any event, my husband and I had separated for a several year period. During that period, he began dating another woman. We decided after numerous conversations about what went wrong, what we need to fix, etc. - to reconcile. Approximately 2 months into our reconciliation, and during a "rough patch" he met up with her and they slept together..... 9 months later I find out she gave birth to a baby (in August of this year). He found out about her being pregnant a week prior to the birth, but never said anything to me, he said ďhe wasnít sure how to tell meĒ.. He wasn't there for anything other than the initial conception and birth. The reason I found out, was because just under 2 weeks after she had him, she was mad he wasn't spending time with her and the baby, and she messaged me (she is the one who told me she didnít tell him until 2 weeks before birth, as she was mad at him for telling her shortly after what is presumed to be conception that it was a mistake and he didnít want to be with her).
She claims she had NO idea that he was back with me, and honestly I find that VERY hard to believe. She never liked me (for God only knows what reason) when they were seeing each other during our separation, even though I kept to myself. I guess at this point, I am just so hurt. We have went through so many different conversations since I found out. I DO believe him when he says he isn't wanting to be with her anymore. And I completely understand him not wanting to abandon his responsibilities as a father to this baby. I feel like eventually, I will be able to fully accept this child into my life. But I'm really needing to know if anyone else has had to deal with anything like this?? How did you handle it? How did you move forward?? What kind of advice do you have for me??

Brokendreamlife posted 10/12/2018 03:37 AM

Kn80 you say that you know you will have to accept this child into your life? I made the decision that I could not have the child in our lives. It would always be a reminder of the affair. So, WS had a decision to make - have the oc in his life part time and subsequently not be with me and our son, meaning he would see his com part time too, or fully committed to our family and leave the ap to get on with her life. She told him she had a medical problem that meant it was impossible to get pregnant, then tricked him into getting her pregnant. So, she has got out of it what she wanted...

WornDown posted 10/12/2018 06:44 AM

FYI - There's an interview in The Atlantic with a father who found out his 15yo daughter wasn't his. Pretty good read.

Google, "Atlantic When a DNA Test Reveals Your Daughter Is Not Your Biological Child"

kn80 posted 10/12/2018 10:28 AM

@Brokendreamlife
Iím so sorry for your situation... nobody ever dreams of being in our type of scenarios. I know I do not have to accept it - and I also know how people deal with situations are different - but for me, *my* heart wonít allow me to make someone choose between being a parent and me... regardless of the situation. He didnít choose to be born into a screwed up situation. Time will tell if this is something that I can move past, or if it will be too much to for me to handle...

Brokendreamlife posted 10/12/2018 17:49 PM

Kn80 I wish you well.

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