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Dealing with OC

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Sgar33 posted 6/23/2018 21:36 PM

I donít even know where to begin... . Iíve been married for 19 years and have three children 16, 13, and 9 Years old. I found out 8 months ago my husband was having a affair with his coworker.
The day I found out is same day I was told she was pregnant. Now eight months later baby is here and Iím really finding it hard to deal with. My husband has been very remorseful and has been doing whatever he can to keep me and our children. But itís the other women for me. I canít get over that this whore will be in my life forever. We havenít told our children because a paternity test will be done next week. I wish I never have to tell them. They donít deserve this.. I sure as hell donít either. I canít even tell my family. We have been focusing on fixing us and our relationship all the months. And now the child is here. I have to learn how to share my husband with another women who had his child. Nothing about this is easy ... Iíve been on two visits where she leaves her house. So he can visit the child. But should I really be going on these visits. I sit and wait for him. I have yet to met the child or be shown pictures. I donít think Iím ready for it yet. Iím just so heartbroken talking about it. Only time will tell if I can really do this. I still love my husband but the thought of what I had as a family is gone... and I grieve that daily still. Please any advice on my telling my children Iíd love to hear...

CrazyPantalones posted 6/25/2018 00:21 AM

I think telling your children should wait until you find out if the baby is actually his. Did he sign any paperwork at the hospital?

Sgar33 posted 6/25/2018 05:55 AM

No paperwork was signed at the hospital. We go tomorrow for a paternity test and child support discussion.

anon03 posted 6/25/2018 10:11 AM

I agree. Don't tell anyone until it's official. Then, only tell who you want or no one at all. I will meet OC for first time this week. My WH has been doing visits in a public place till this point as the child didn't know him. It's tough. Part of the time I think of OC as an innocent child and other times I just hate OC. It's not it's fault but its a constant reminder. OC will be in our home for the first time and meet my son but it will get easier as everything else in life does with time. Our kids are young so it wont be impactful for them. They will never remember a time without it this way after the initial adjustments. There is no easy way except the old saying of take it one day at a time. I was so overwhelmed when I thought of everything past, present, and future. But, when I started to just deal with today and today only it got easier. Sad we are all here but know your not alone.

summerhats posted 7/5/2018 15:57 PM

I have known about OC since she was a few months old, and she is now 10. WH was not put on the birth certificate, but he was having a LTA with OW at the time OC was conceived. They did a paternity test which came back saying it was his. WH and I were on and off for a while, and when we got back together, he tried to introduce OC to our children and set up a sort of visitation and support for the OW. Neither of them ever went to court to out WHERE on the birth certificate or set up child support. OW took off with OC and moved out of the state for about a year, and then came back and wanted money and to have us see OC. We tried to start over and adjust. She ended up taking off with her again, for around the same time. Then she came back again and wanted money and for us to see OC again. WH didnít pay her anything when she took off because she would go complete NC and not answer calls or anything. The second time she came back, she seemed very remorseful and wanted to set up some stability for OC with her father, etc. it was a good 2 years or so of us taking her every other weekend, our children becoming close with OC, and trying to make things as normal as possible. She then took off again, and went NC. WH tried to reach out several times. It was 3 years of NC, and in that time, we were able to focus on our marriage and our family. Everything was going so amazingly, the best it had ever been. We started going to church together, we grew so close as a family, and we were able to put the past behind us. WH felt guilty for OC not having a father, but he didnít mention it too much. Well, last fall, OW came out of the woodwork again. She wanted money. She had gotten herself into a financial hole and wanted help getting out of it. WH went to court to set up paternity and be put on OC birth certificate. I wasnít totally on board with this because I didnít like the possibility of social services coming at him for back child support since she was always on assistance. He said he did it so she couldnít threaten to do it, and also so she couldnít just leave the state with OC whenever she felt like it. OW ended up calling WH and telling him that she couldnít take care of OC anymore, and needed us to take her. We hadnít seen her in 3 years, our marriage was amazing, everything was going so great, and then we get hit with this. She said she lost her job a long time ago, was losing her apartment, and had no other option. WH wanted to take OC immediately. Iím guessing out of guilt, but also because he didnít want to see OC put into a horrible situation. We ended up taking her in, and it was awful. I was against the idea, and wanted to explore other options. WH promised me it would only be temporary until OW could get back on her feet. It ended up stirring up all the old feelings of resentment and anger for me. OC looks just like her mother now, and sometimes I canít even stand to look at her. Our children are trying to adapt, but they are teenagers now and itís not easy. OC ended up going to live with her mother again after a few months, but she constantly wants to come to our house, and honestly I just need a break from it all sometimes. We are paying good money each week for her to go to daycare so her mother can work, WH doesnít earn that much money, I am the main breadwinner in our family. Itís all just been a ton of stress on our family. We used to never fight, and now we fight all the time. I am so torn because WH really did transform into the man I always wished he would be, but this situation just is like a dark cloud that never really goes away. Some days, I feel like leaving so I can find peace and not have to deal with it anymore, but I donít want to destroy the beautiful family that we worked so hard to create. Iím sorry this is so long. I just had to vent to people who might know what this all feels like. Thanks for reading.

hurt83 posted 8/5/2018 17:57 PM

My wh allegedly got ow pregnant. Her husband signed the birth certificate and they have both lost custody of her. We have NO contact with anyone. My question is, how many children want anything to do with oc? My kids have no idea about the oc and I'm worried about it.

anon03 posted 8/7/2018 19:04 PM

We are still in mediation..by we I mean them. I am not allowed to be involved ( he talked to me and we formulate a plan but I mean I can't go) it's so hard when my life is decided without me being there. And the ow is being so completely unreasonable and it's taking forever! I'm at my wit's end. Eberyime I think it's over it gets extended out again. How are we supposed to be better and heal when dealing with this crap? I'm so angry today. I want to walk away from it all. I shouldn't have to be stressing about court with another woman. He did this and today I hate him. We are in a wonderful place now after therapy but today I have him with every fiber of my being. I hate that he made this our life. Fighting about a child I don't give a damn about instead of focusing on our child. Ahhhhhhh. Sorry ladies, had to vent.

Oftencheatedon posted 8/7/2018 19:54 PM

For those of you who are able to open your heart to an OC more power to you.

But I most cases an OC means that someone is going to get screwed. CS for an OC is non negotiable. The child must be taken care of.

But when a man spawns a child outside of his marriage that already has children - his decision to bring that child into his family is going to devastate his current children. People often say how can a real man not step up and be a father to the OC?

But in doing that he most often is going to devastate and destroy the children of his marriage. So why is the new child more important than the children of the marriage? Someone is
going to suffer so why should it be the existing children?

anon03 posted 8/8/2018 11:41 AM

I agree. Especially when they only slept together no relationship and she keeps it and he begs her not to. She's had abortions before so why not now. How is she being fair to the kid by having it but he's the bad guy if he stays away? Somerimes staying out so maybe someone else can step in is the best solution instead of broken two homes. It's not fair. He's they were dumb and horrible for what they did but now the oc and mc suffer because she was selfish and didn't abort. I'd be one thing g if she was completely against it but when you've already done it? Not fair.

FamilyMan75 posted 8/8/2018 12:38 PM

My 7 month old daughter isn't biologically mine. My wife had on and off again affair with her former boss. Three years the first time, and almost two years the second time which resulted in her becoming pregnant with a baby that was supposed to be planned.

The piece of shit wanted to be with my wife until she rejected him and me, when I confronted him in the parking lot of where they worked, resulting in them both being fired. Now he claims to want to be in the child's life.

He's divorcing with two young children himself, and I'm not about to just allow him to have anything to do with my daughter. I'm just glad my wife is on board in keeping him way for now.

Berly posted 8/18/2018 07:40 AM

My 7 month old daughter isn't biologically mine. My wife had on and off again affair with her former boss. Three years the first time, and almost two years the second time which resulted in her becoming pregnant with a baby that was supposed to be planned.
The piece of shit wanted to be with my wife until she rejected him and me, when I confronted him in the parking lot of where they worked, resulting in them both being fired. Now he claims to want to be in the child's life.

He's divorcing with two young children himself, and I'm not about to just allow him to have anything to do with my daughter. I'm just glad my wife is on board in keeping him way for now.

Well,to be fair, if he is the biological father, you can't keep him away from the child if he wants to be a part of her life. He can demand visitation in court and will probably get it.

But in doing that he most often is going to devastate and destroy the children of his marriage. So why is the new child more important than the children of the marriage? Someone is
going to suffer so why should it be the existing children?

I really don't want to invalidate anyone's feelings, but my own children love and get along amazingly with OC. The three of them truly have a great sibling bond.

Of course, it is too soon maybe to talk about any long-lasting consequences and impact of their father fathering another child outside of marriage, but so far I have not noticed any issues.

I think it is a matter of how the adults present the situation and how well they handle it, the kids will see it and emulate their parents behavior and feelings.

I keep any negative feelings I may have away from my children and truly encourage a positive relationship between the kids. I also make sure that when OC is with us, she is allowed to freely talk about her mother and her life at home, so that there's no hostility or discomfort.

Making sure that all the kids are comfortable and free to be themselves and that they are accepted and loved is my main priority. It hasn't always been easy but I feellike it's my duty as the mother to put my own issues on the backburner for the children's sake, especially my own children.

Salty16 posted 8/25/2018 09:28 AM

So, I have started to post on the latest event numerous times and just didn't feel up to it. I know that being a part of the SI community, we are all here for a similar reason at the root of it all... the A. No matter what type or length of A, or the outcome. Our stories are our own and we put the most raw and vulnerable parts out there for everyone to see. Well, as much as we are willing anyway and obviously from our viewpoint.
I admire the BSs that are able to welcome an OC into their homes and lives. You are compassionate individuals. I don't know if it is any easier (or a smoother transition) to blend families when the OC's existence is discovered as an infant, toddler, child or adult.
My reason for posting is because the OC in our story is currently 11. Dday was 2 years ago. We have NC with OW and OC. Well, OC sent instant messages to 2 of our kids in the past few weeks. Basically stating general info of name, age and stating that OC was sibling. Ok, first of all I am not naive, I know a lot of kids are computer savvy and spend a lot of time online. However, the fact that this child is sending random messages via social media is a little disturbing. My 2 are technically adults and I am thankful that they learned about A and the OC, otherwise this would have been even more of a shock. Now, before anyone gets too upset... I know all too well the feelings that a child can have when there is (1) an embittered parent (2) bio siblings that are unknown. I do feel a level of sadness for OC because it is not the fault of OC in the least and completely natural. My children understand this and share that sentiment. However, as cruel as this may seem... they also have no urge to have contact with OC. They have my support if they do... but for now neither one has that wish. I have to wonder if OC did this alone or at the urging of OW. OC would not have had the names of my kids without info from OW. I have lived this in a sense (oldest DD has different bio dad and half sibs from other families)... that sort of information is NOT necessary for an 11 year old to have. So far OC has not contacted my husband. I just pray OC does not attempt to send same message to other family members as they are clueless.
And before anyone thinks I am the most horrid person on the face of the planet. If OW were to come and push the issue that this OC is possibly a bio child of my husband... I would want proof. I want DNA that is able to be submitted in court. (There was supposedly a DNA test done, long story... but not court approved etc plus WH never received a letter or email.) Once proof was established. Then we would have a lot of decisions to make. I am not heartless, simply cautious and my trust is shattered. I don't want to truly encourage my children to welcome this OC into their lives as a sibling without knowing for sure. And yes... there is a chance OC is not related due to the fact OW had other partners at the same time as my husband. As a blunt granny used to say, she backed up to a buzz saw and had no idea which tooth hit her.
The OC is just innocent child. I know that at this age OC is not trying to cause problems. OC probably just wants to know siblings.
Right now I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall. I am sure there will be more contact in the future, from either OW or OC.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 12:52 PM, August 25th (Saturday)]

Mibelle87 posted 9/15/2018 20:00 PM

Iím still in the mourning stages. I just recently found that my boyfriend of 9 years has fathered a child with another woman. He claims the woman refused to take the plan b, and the little girl is 2. He has kept this away from myself and his famiily. He still hasnít told his family. Lost right now.

Brokendreamlife posted 9/16/2018 04:51 AM

I'm so sorry you are going through this Mibelle87. My D-day was July 3rd and I also was told OW is pregnant. To say my whole world imploded would be a gross understatement. WH and I are currently just going through each day as it comes. I feel like I am in the most awful limbo, waiting for November, when OC is due. WH has already decided that in order to save his marriage and family, he needs to be NC with oc. He has been NC with ow since D-day. I live in fear that he might change his mind once it is here though, and sacrifice "us" for occasional contact with oc. He is adamant that he wants to fix us and so knows what he needs to do, however, I can't allow myself to believe it until I see it and only then can I begin to look to what I want for us in our future. Our waywards are selfish, greedy, stupid monsters, that will never understand the depth of their betrayal

FamilyMan75 posted 9/20/2018 14:58 PM

My eight-month-old daughter was conceived from my wife's on and off again affair with her former boss. He's out of the picture. I accept her, so no issue there. But a few days ago I told my mother the truth and she is handling it badly. She won't talk to me. She doesn't know if she can see the baby the same way. I'm struggling.

Salty16 posted 9/20/2018 18:17 PM

FamilyMan... is there absolutely no chance she is biologically yours? Have you had a paternity test? I understand you don't need one for yourself... your daughter is yours, end of story.
In regards to your mother... would she react the same if you had adopted a child? It will take her some time, but hopefully once the shock wears off she will realize your little girl is the same one she has loved all of this time.

FamilyMan75 posted 9/21/2018 12:53 PM

FamilyMan... is there absolutely no chance she is biologically yours? Have you had a paternity test?

Unfortunately, I'm positive. My wife back in May told me and she had the other man tested and he is her biological father. She has the only copy of the results as far as I know.

Salty16 posted 9/21/2018 16:50 PM

FamilyMan, if you 2 are married... I don't know the legalities in each state. But I have to assume your name is on her birth certificate?
I suppose the question also comes up as to why you told your mother now? Just a pressing urge to have honesty or something else?

FamilyMan75 posted 9/21/2018 22:27 PM

suppose the question also comes up as to why you told your mother now? Just a pressing urge to have honesty or something else?

Either way, the truth would have come out. We lived 12 hours away when the baby was born. In July until the middle of September, I lived with her while my wife found her own place. She suspected the baby wasn't mine. She told my sister, her friends, and other family her suspicions. Then she started to ask my wife questions. We didn't want our oldest daughter to find out about her mom's affairs and her sister true paternity that way, so we agreed it was best to tell her, so I told her.

Salty16 posted 9/21/2018 22:44 PM

FamilyMan, I respect that. I am sorry that your mother has reacted this way. Obviously since she discussed her suspicions with other family it can't be too much of a shock. I do hope that she is able to think of the children. If she acts differently toward them or makes offhand remarks... they will notice. Kids pick up more than we give them credit. Closest I can come to it is the fact I had my daughter as a single mother then met my husband. He adopted her. His mother made a difference over the "bio" grandkids and her for a long time. And yes it had an impact. She was 2 & a half when we got together... still such a little person and this woman treated her like an outsider. She finally cut it out mostly... but not before she caused several fights and issues.
I truly wish you the best. Your children are so fortunate to have a dad that loves them. I hope grandma sees the light and finds love in her heart for all. It sure isn't your little one's fault. Your mom should be proud she raised a son that can love a child like you do.

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