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Dealing with OC

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Berly posted 3/30/2018 14:15 PM

anon03 - I am so sorry to hear that it happened again.

My husband and I reconciled after I found out he fathered a child with a former OW. It's been over a year now and I have to say that if I found out it happened again, especially with the same woman, I don't think I could ever get past that.

It would hurt so much worse than the first time and that was devastating in itself. After everything, after forgiving him, saving our marriage, accepting his child into our lives and into our children's lives, loving it, caring for it and then for him to betray me once again? No way, I would lose my mind.

How does he excercise visitation rights? Does he go to her house by himself? I personally think that's a bad idea.

For us, the fOW would bring the child to our house, they would exchange the child on our front yard and I would be able to observe the interaction through the front window.

Even though I am sure that they're no longer having an affair, I don't want to put my guard down just yet. It's going to be a long process of rebuilding that trust as I imagine it's going to be for you.

What does he say, what did he do it again?

anon03 posted 4/3/2018 08:21 AM

Since my last posts he gave me a full run down of moment he met OW until now and this time I believe him. (obviously time will tell).

He claims some dumb reasons he did it so he has his first IC this week to get to the REAL WHY.

We both rug swept most of it the first time around and while I don't condone what happened I feel like we never healed the first time and we were honestly both kind of miserable. We argued a lot, didn't have sex, didn't communicate well.

I think we are doing it right this time and I've told him we are not together right now (in same house, different rooms) and we will take it slow with IC then with MC together if we both feel IC shows us what we need to know about ourselves.

I feel he is remorseful this time way more than he was in the beginning.

As for the OC.... they are still in a battle!! She has drug this out forever. He had a lawyer for a while and it got expensive and now she has one that she paid with income taxes and I'm pretty sure is about to run out.

He has been meeting her one day after work at a public place and after I found out it happened the 2nd time he actually came up with the idea of recording on his phone without her knowing the whole time he is there so I can hear. He texts or calls right before she arrives and right as they leave. (he's trying)

There is no judgment yet so if he wants to see OC he has to go there for now. Once it's a court order pickup and drop offs will be done at his daycare or while I'm present. IF I cant be there for whatever reason he's agreed to a police station or similar.

Now, for a little bit of questions that may not be answered by any of you as it's more legal/personal experiences...
I live with him. We have a court order for child support for our own child I got after DDAY 1.
OW was overheard talking to her lawyer saying they were going to call me to trial to testify. They want to prove because we live together our order is void. They also want to increase his CS because "we pay equal bills" and she doesn't have any help. And they are trying for NO overnights because she is going to claim I hate her so I wont be nice to her child.

Did any of you go thru this portion of it when your WH went to court with OW?

Berly posted 4/4/2018 15:28 PM

It sounds like the fOW is being difficult just for the sake of it.

I was lucky (if that's the work you can use in these circumstances) in that sense because my husband never jad to go to court. They settled everything in mediation. They agreed on a parenting plan where he gets every other weekend and one afternoon a week, she took his offer on child support and he gave her full legal custody.

She also agreed to drop offs at our house, in our front yard where I can see it.

However, we did not immediately start with the overnights. At first it was just my husband for an afternoon. Then, when I decided that I was ready to meet the child, it was the three of us for a few hours. Then, we slowly introduced our kids to the child. Then it was bbqs, a birthday, some family events and playdates.

It was a good few months before the first overnight stay.

So everyone had a chance to get more comfortable - the child got comfrotable with us, our kids got comfortable with the child and the mother (fOW) got more comfortable me.

She was reasonable in that aspect - she gave me the benefit of the doubt that I'll treat her child well, only if it's shown to be otherwise, she would take the necessary steps to take visitation away.

So maybe that's something you can bring up in court? That you have done nothing to show that you'll be mean to the child and there's no proof of it, so taking away the father's right to overnight visitation would be unfair based on what's only her assumption.

threestrepsback posted 4/4/2018 18:01 PM

Anon
I have been thinking a lot of how to respond and if I have any thoughts to be helpful. Take what you can use and what might trigger strong feeling leave to explore why at a quiet time.

My first thought is that this place, in my mind, is for the BS in a OC situation to get support. I will try to focus on thoughts to help consider what you can do - not what your WS or OW should do.

I’m am amazed at your caring, nurturing and kindness. You are a strong person. Be sure you remind yourself of that daily.

Take care of yourself so that you can be the loving, nurturing person you want to be and still have boundaries that clearly protect who you are and what your values are. You can take time to find out what you enjoy and what makes life fulfilling for you.

I thought nurturing and love meant to do whatever needed to be done, even anticipating without being asked. I felt guilty seeing those close to me struggle with the consequences of
their actions to be accountable. I still take time to remind myself that others need to feel and deal with their own consequences to grow insight, empathy and clarity. I was not doing myself or them any favors.

I was angry due to fear, feeling abandoned, loss of what I thought reality was and betrayed. I first had to grieve and deal with my anger in IC and EMDR. Focus on who I am and how I will move to what I want to accomplish - not others role. I had to look at my fears and realize my WS and the OW did this to
themselves not me. Yes their selfish actions did not even consider the affect on me. Their actions came from broken parts with themselves not because of me. I had to look closely why I felt I or my husband should do or feel. Once I learned to calm myself, I could talk and listen better. Instead of telling my husband what I thought he should do in long monologues- I used very short statements about how I feel and general statements of what I am working toward. I balanced thought to give positive statements ....when you... I feel.... Less “should” in language for me or him. When boundaries are crossed I simply say that is not acceptable to me. I begin to show honesty and integrity for my feelings/wants by not hiding from my feelings when they came. I did need some time to inquire within to identify why I had a feeling or what I really wanted. I spend time too on other things I enjoy to celebrate the day and stop waiting to live.

I say all this because I am amazed that you do so much
nurturing your husband and doing the legal work for him. I question if you are taking on responsibility of your husband to fix the situation. You both may need clarity of boundaries. Are you taking care of yourself? I think if no personal contact is to be a boundary then the current unfortunate precedent is being made for the OW to set her boundries and your WS with you to agree. You do have a choice even if that means a safe house used in these situations. Yes OW will keep pushing, WS may take the easy way to avoid discomfort or keep options open and boundaries will need to be repeated.

I know each state is different for CS. Also each judge has their own prejudices. In my state, told to me by a lawyer, the OW would have CS by state set guidelines and my income would be considered. The judge could consider it any way the judge felt was appropriate. In my experience, to go through this child support and custody or avoid it without a lawyer will cost much more money and incalcuble amount of stress for the marriage.

A lawyer that knows family law and the judges of the area is worth the money. The lawyer will give you knowledge to prepare for those legal questions and knowledge what to reasonably expect. Once you know the range of what is legally reasonable and what your boundaries are it make negotiation easier without emotional games. Knowing what is reasonable gives comfort and clarity. What do each of you want to accomplish? You do have choices. Everything from going for full custody to no contact with CS or even divorce for your protection.

The lawyer can let you know how your CS order can be interpreted and be used in your local. The lawyer could also define if you are separated in house. In this case, with the OW playing games and the WS possibly not even realizing he is playing both sides of fence (or playing unintentionally with fire), I think court would be a place preferable. Don’t avoid court out of fear.

You are a strong thoughtful person. I tip my hat to you. Whatever you need to do, I hope you find that peace and clarity. I want you to know you are amazing just being yourself.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 4/4/2018 18:31 PM

First of all ... I agree with 3SStepsback.
You have been a pillar of strength and so supportive of your fWH. But I too think you are doing too much for him. This needs to be coming from him not you. And the way the foe is behaving... I would not be able to deal with the ow or the oc..I would tell him NC because she’s being such a bitch so how about she just deals with the oc by herself.
And get a lawyer no matter how much it costs. This is to Procyon and your child. Screw him if he can’t afford he shouldn’t have been f@cking around without protection. Not your problem. He needs a good kick in the butt.

threestrepsback posted 4/7/2018 22:23 PM

My apologies. I meant to give support and ideas to consider. I think everyone’s recovery is different and it’s rarely all linear without ups and downs . I did not mean to cause more hurt. I’ll step away. My best wishes to all of you and your recovery .

anon03 posted 4/10/2018 20:49 PM

I was helping because I was good at it. Was trying to protect my child by making sure things were done correctly. Because I was using it as an outlet of something I could do and control I think. We've decided he does need a lawyer now as he's finally getting to the end of things.

Once it's over he'll never have to see her alone ever again as there will be no supervised visits and the drop offs can be done at daycare. He's agreed no contact unless necessary for the child in which I will be present and he will allow me to monitor his phone too.

He recorded the whole time he had to meet her the last visitation so he could prove there was nothing going on.

Days like today are hard. I'm having the why's and how's. Why did he do it. How could he hide it. Why would this happen again. Etc. I have ic. Tomorrow so that will help to get out of this slump I'm feeling right now. I'm glad I decided to go because she has def been helping.people claim I'm strong and I don't see it. I feel so weak and sometimes think that this can't be my life. How did I get to this point? All I wanted was a loving family and I never imagined it this way in a million years.

Now I'm stressing about the OC. On the recording he honestly sounded like a little shit. I know that sounds harsh I just mean he seems to always get his way, is whiny, hit ws at one point because he said no, etc. Makes me wonder how long he will take to learn rules and how to act like a little child and not a hellion. Do I really want that in my home? Do I even have a choice at this point?

Edmc?

I appreciate any insight from you ladies as it's a unique situation and not something you can just bring up and discuss with anyone. Everyone's situation will be different and every way things are handled will be different but it's nice to hear all sides of the good and bad.

Berly posted 4/12/2018 14:55 PM

I completely understand the way you're feeling. I felt like one day I had my little family, the next day it was all in ruins.It was horrible. There's a part of me that still resents my husbands due to the fact that my family will never be the same or the way I imagined it.

As far as the OC, you'll simply have to make rules for him in your house that he'll have to follow. Kids behave the way they are allowed to behave. If she's allowing that in her house, you don't have to in your's. It will probably be hard in the beginning, but kids adjust.

If it helps - I have the opposite problem. The OC in my case is perfect. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but sometimes I feel one-upped in the motherhood department as well by the fOW.

I feel like this situation is hard no matter what.

anon03 posted 5/8/2018 10:19 AM

Berly I hope we can both start to stop comparing ourselves with OW and how they are with the OC. I want to get to a place where i dont think of or care about her. Your a great mom and do the best you can. Dont let her "one up" you. Your taking on someone elses kid which is WAAAAY harder than raising your own.

I'm scared of bringing OC in my home. I hope it is easier than i'm imagining.

anon03 posted 5/11/2018 13:47 PM

Why is it that everyone who is NOT in the situation blames ME for how the situation is regarding OC?

I was here first. My kids were here first. Why is OC the only victim? Why is OC supposed to be put above anyone else in the situation?

I posted in another forum section as there wasn't a lot in this one and wow. Some of the responses were amazing. I can tell some of them were bitter.

Don't get me wrong, OC is here and that wont change. OC will be taken care of but why assume OC is the biggest victim and deserves all the sympathy?

Actually, I do feel sorry for OC. MY child will feel the love of two parents in one home who loves him completely and OC will eventually be loved but it will not be completely and will not be right away. It's going to take time. My WH didnt want OC. He knew it was a mistake for her to keep OC and now everyone has to pay for that decision. I dont think it's fair for a woman to force that on a man weather in dating, marriage, cheating etc... TWO people should decide to have a child. I dont think having sex is consenting to having a child. I know the adults know it could happen but when it's discussed and an abortion was the option if it were to happen then it does and they change their mind? How is that fair....

ok now im just rambling because i got a little upset when i was reading the other thread

Mkr6684 posted 5/27/2018 06:52 AM

Hi all
I think its finally time for me to post here, as i have been unsure for quite a while (although still early days)
There are so many variables to my outcome.
Here is my background story:
I have been with my (1st) long long-term partner since 15 (it has been 18yrs now)
We have a nearly 3ry old girl and it has been 5 months since dday.
I received an annon letter to say that he is having an affair with a girl at work and shes PREGNANT.. and due early july
Unfortunately for me (as i would have preferred to keep it private) my mum picked it out of the letter box and gave it to me.
This has been extremely traumatic and so hard to deal with on so many levels and i feel totally overwhelmed and confused on what to do.
I have done a lot of research (so much reading it makes my head spin) on similar situations
So much talking about everything we just go round in circles. So much thinking it makes me feel like im going crazy. (Crazy for wanting to stay/ and to go as well)
I went to my gp asap to get std tested (positive for chlymidia) i am thankful only that.
I have done 2 sessions of ic and this week booking in for couples counceling, to gain knowledge on how to move forward together or separately.
I have told him i want hime to do ic as well he booked in but chickened out
I do feel emotionally clearer in someways but clouded in others.
I am hopeful for a positive outcome where we can move past this/ through this and still be together in the future and make things work but also so conflicted on whether i could/ would get over all the hurt and pain and lies and disrespect.
So confused

Salty16 posted 5/28/2018 14:02 PM

Anon I am very sorry to hear that you had a rough time in another thread/ forum. I think it is very difficult for some people whether they are here on SI or in the real world to grasp that we continue to love our former wayward other... and that we want to find a way through this nightmare, one way or another with some grasp on sanity and dignity. Even those of us that have an OC in our lives... all have very different circumstances and viewpoints. Know that I may not get on here every day due to dealing with triggers and making my way through some life garbage. But feel free to throw a message out! Always here for some venting or support. I do hope that you continue to share your journey and wisdom for the others that may come along.
Mkr... I can never stress this enough. Visit the Healing Library. Talk to an attorney, get a paternity test done once OC arrives. I am glad you have taken the steps of IC, CC hopefully and STD testing. I am so sorry that you found yourself in this situation. But know that there are good people here to try to help.

[This message edited by Salty16 at 2:06 PM, May 28th (Monday)]

CrazyPantalones posted 5/29/2018 17:55 PM

I would speak to a lawyer. File for child support. He needs to decide how he will carry on with OC either involved or not and you need to decide if you will support his decision. Once all that is squared away, theres nothing you can really do until paternity is confirmed. During that time keep working on your feelings about it. Don't listen to anyone else but yourself. It is no ones baby until paternity. If OW slept with your man, good,chance she slept with others (hence the STD)

Mkr6684 posted 6/2/2018 02:10 AM

Thanks crazypantiloons
For your feedback
Its really hard to get any new input, that is helpful to me anyway (mostly to just leave and be done with him & as we all know here its not that easy, but i guess thats what this page is for), so i appreciate it.

This thread has been a little quiet lately

So if anyone needs to chat ill be checking in
Thanks again

Mkr6684 posted 6/2/2018 05:23 AM

And thank you salty for your support also

Salty16 posted 6/2/2018 15:40 PM

Mkr, you are welcome. I agree the thread has been quiet. Good luck and we are here if you need us.

Mkr6684 posted 6/3/2018 00:11 AM

I know that everyone is telling me to see an attorney.. but im not exacty sure what i would actually be going there for, is it just for the money aspect we dont have any joint accounts or house or anything really..
So i dont know if there would be anything else to get advice off them for

Salty16 posted 6/3/2018 07:44 AM

Mkr, seeing an attorney about child support for your child before the AP/OW files. It's basically because child support here in the states is a first come first served mentality. The first to apply and get through the legal system gets the bigger percentage of support. Also talking with an attorney lets you (& your partner) know what your rights and responsibilities are at this point. Better to know what to do rather than just paying her (OW) bills, giving her cash for maternity clothes and baby supplies, going to Dr visits, being there for birth, signing any paper handed to him... then finding out that the baby isn't really his. In my opinion it just makes sense to be sure before taking unnecessary or incorrect steps.
I realize I don't have the experience that many here in the OC thread do, mine is a screwed up mess... but if I had the choice at the time, I would have seen an attorney for myself and encouraed my spouse to see one as well, and waited for paternity results before taking another step in regards to any responsibilities (support, medical, visitation etc).

anon03 posted 6/10/2018 05:00 AM

These lovely ladies are correct. Get the attorney because you want the biggest most outlandish child support payment for your own children so ow is left with little to no end of wh paycheck. In my opinion if she decides to have OC she should have to figure out how to pay. Why should you and your children suffer financially due to his mistake?

Always do DNA. I was in denial that it would come I'll negative and it hit me hard, very hard when it was positive. Be prepared for that and don't be alone. Knowing ahrlead of time is not the same as having scientific proof in black and white.

Be prepared for triggers and fights and days where you love him and others where you wish you could hit him with a frying pan and kick him out forever.

Be prepared to be doing great and then have everything hit you in a dream or a thought and have a few bad days following. This process is grieving. We are grieving what we were and thought we had. Read up on the steps of grieving. I'm constantly wavering between steps. I jump into a step only to fall flat again and then move forward again.

It's a very bumpy will do up and down hill. There is no road that is happy then devastated then happy again. It's simply not that easy.

It does get better. If he truly shows he's sorry and wants to be with you 100 percent then and only then can you decide for yourself if you want to stay. Him going to ic was a deal breaker for me. Go to therapy or leave. He's been going. I go to ic too. We did a little together but mostly focusing on ourselves first.

Don't get caught up in the anger and grief and tell people. They will tell people and you will start to think their opinions and not your own and only you can know what is best. But, find someone to tell. Be it a therapist, a friend, a stranger but don't try to do it all alone.

Just a few thoughts at 5 am from someone having a bad day but knows there are better days.

CrazyPantalones posted 6/11/2018 22:22 PM

I took WH to my attorney. He went,over everything that could possibly happen. His suggestion was back off, ignore her and if she takes you for paternity deal with what happens, go to court an establish child support before the Kid was born in the event the baby was/is his. Momma who files first get the better deal. Also informed him of rights that he would have if the baby turned out to be his.

The skank whore ended up marrying someone a month after the baby was born and I think made him the daddy, if he wasn't already.

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