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Husband, Liar, Sociopath...

TS68 posted 3/26/2016 10:30 AM

... How he lied, why I fell for it and the painful lessons learned. By O.N. WARD.

*** this book had me spellbound. And scared. This is my marriage. Well, was my marriage. I was this woman. Unfortunately her happy ending isn't very happy. Anyone who suspects there spouse to be in the antisocial personality spectrum, this is a really good read. And incredibly well written. Could be a thriller, if it weren't true.

onlytime posted 3/26/2016 17:02 PM

My xH is a psychopath. I just read the description on Amazon and it sounds really good so I am definitely going to pick it up.

I kicked my xH out almost 20 years ago and I still haven't healed from the damage.

Thanks for posting this!

TS68 posted 3/26/2016 19:59 PM

Onlytime: you have to read the book! It's on Amazon and u can get the kindle version! I wrote the comment too many parallels to count... Or something like that. 20 years and you are still thinking about him... My h is abso-fucking-lutely this guy in the book. Scares the crap out of me. Let me know if you do end up getting it and what you think...

onlytime posted 3/27/2016 06:41 AM

u can get the kindle version!

Call me weird but I love having hard copies of books - so I can dog-ear the pages, highlight, etc. Plus the feeling of turning the pages...so I'm gonna wait for the paperback version to arrive

20 years and you are still thinking about him

He has been harassing my family and I since I kicked his ass out and he's been really obsessed with my youngest DD lately. I honestly don't remember a moment in the past 20 years where I have not had to have contact with someone in the justice system regarding him. It's incredibly hard to heal when you are constantly dealing with it and always waiting for something else to happen.

onlytime posted 4/17/2016 07:22 AM

TS68

I just finished reading it yesterday. I have so many pages dog-eared and sections highlighted. I did get triggered in parts but managed to get through the book in a day. There were so many things that were so familiar, yet because I have been dealing with a criminal psychopath, there were quite a few differences as well.

"The lives of women who become involved in long-term relationships with sociopaths are not just derailed for a short period of time; often, their futures are permanently altered"

The mind-fuckery, the gaslighting, the various forms of abuse - how could anyone not be permanently altered.

"because sociopaths do not play by the rules and are often vindictive and vengeful toward anyone who has seen them for who they really are, getting away from the sociopath and getting on with your life can be a nightmare"

Almost three decades of hell...and still it continues. The only way it ends is if he dies...or if I do.

"Talk therapy is a stage for a sociopath...some have suggested that therapy only makes sociopaths more effective manipulators, because it builds their expertise in talking and acting as if they care, thereby adding to and increasing the effectiveness of their devious toolkit"

So very, very true.

"Sociopaths brilliantly and convincingly create false impressions with other important people, like lawyers and judges"

This is where I was fortunate. Although he tried to make ME out to be a monster - making false accusations against me to CPS; writing to a judge saying how he was a loving and devoted father and I was a crazy woman - his lengthy criminal history very much detracted from his credibility with them.

"With no empathy, a sociopath does nor have even a flicker of concern for another human being's feelings, even those of his own child"

He has been harassing my youngest DD for years now and she is scared of him, but that doesn't stop him, because he just doesn't care about anyone but himself.

"sociopaths have a long history of going after ex-spouses, ex-girlfriends... they are vengeful, sadistic beings, even when they are the ones doing the betraying and hurting, and they thrive on inflicting maximum damage and pain on their victims. It is as if once their victim is no longer of use to them, the sociopath feels that person has no right to live. The now "useless" possession must be destroyed"

And this ^^^ is why I have spent years in hiding!


Overall, I think this is an excellent book and I would highly recommend it to others.

JellyGirl84 posted 4/17/2016 14:26 PM

Wow, I'm so sorry any of you have had the misfortune to meet and marry people like this. Perhaps, this isn't the right place for answering a question like the one I'm about to pose so, if not, maybe you can make a thread in the appropriate forum:

Looking back upon when you first met and/or were dating your socio/psychopath Xs, were there any red flags you overlooked that could have helped you to avoid them? And if you are introspective, were there things about your nature/character/etc. that you now see were signals to your X that you were the "perfect" target?

somer222 posted 4/21/2016 06:39 AM

I just saw this review - will have to read the book. My ex is a sociopath as well. It has been over eight years since I kicked him out of my life and I will never be the same person I was before.

Perhaps that is a good thing? I don't know. To answer the question on red flags. My red flag was a lie told to me early on. It was about his past and he owned up to it right away when confronted and I choose to make an exception for him. Because he was so sweet.

What made me vulnerable to him? A trusting nature. I'm a very decent, moral person. I had also gone through a major upheaval in my life a few months before I met him. I think I was beat down by it and wanted some stability and my ex seemed to be a very stable man.

Five years into the marriage, I found out "who he really was" and I found the strength to kick him out and get out of the marriage asap. He wouldn't leave me alone for a year after that, but finally set his sights on another woman he could bleed dry in every way and he finally left me alone.

onlytime posted 4/21/2016 13:10 PM

JellyGirl84

Looking back upon when you first met and/or were dating your socio/psychopath Xs, were there any red flags you overlooked that could have helped you to avoid them?

I was just a teenager when I first met my xH, and then in my early 20's when I began living with him. Given my young age and relative inexperience at the time, I don't think there is any way I would have known to even look for red flags or could have avoided them at that stage in my life.

In hindsight though, the red flags are quite clear when I look back at our relationship.

Within mere weeks (if that), he called me his "soul mate", said we were "meant to be" and that I was his "one true love".

He was very controlling and possessive right from the get go, acting as though I was his "property".

He talked about being abused as a child, that he was moved from foster home to foster home because nobody wanted him, how his previous girlfriends treated him badly (used him, betrayed him, etc). All of it was used to elicit pity from me, so I would feel sorry for him and so I would share my own story (which he would subsequently use against me).

He had me move away from my family and isolated me from them. If I made friends he would ruin my friendships or we would move yet again. He made sure that I had no support system to rely on, that he became my only "support".

And if you are introspective, were there things about your nature/character/etc. that you now see were signals to your X that you were the "perfect" target?

Absolutely.

I had mental health issues and had a history of being victimized (multiple sexual assaults), as a result I was insecure and felt like I was damaged goods.

I had been emotionally neglected as a child, did not hear "I love you" from my dad or even get hugs from him, and so when I was shown even a hint of something that resembled love and affection I latched on to it.

Having been through so much at such a young age, I was very empathetic to the pain and hurt of others, which of course is exactly what he counted on!

I hope this helps.

cantaccept posted 4/21/2016 18:54 PM

Jellygirl, I have a few things to offer also.

Looking back upon when you first met and/or were dating your socio/psychopath Xs, were there any red flags you

Oh yes! Hindsight has never been clearer. I had also recently been through a very difficult time. I was lonely and he was so empathic, so very understanding. He had also been through something similar, or so he said, now I know it was a lie. I really felt he got my struggle. I was doing what was right but it was breaking my heart. He told stories of how he had been betrayed, hurt but in reality it was he that had been the perpetrator, I just did not know.

He was living in this awful place, think flophouse. First though before I knew, he brought me to his parents, his brothers house, all of this "normal". When I saw where he lived and connected it with his sad story I thought, he deserves better, that could be me! I empathized to the nth degree. I wanted to help him, I wanted to ease his pain. I saw him through my eyes.

It is still so confusing for me. How could I possibly have done differently when everything was a lie?

I found him an apartment, helped him find furniture, set up a home.

My son was involved with drugs pretty badly. The reason for my painful decisions and actions. He was so understanding except that he was using methamphetamine! I did not know! He was so supportive of me and my "tough love".

For 2 years he treated me like I was the "love of his life". Oh yeah the soul mate crap, forever and a day, I am so grateful to have met you, on and on, I was the "ONE".

Until I wasn't, slowly I saw the rages over imaginary infractions on my part. I would always be blindsided by them. It never made sense and could never be resolved, round and round they would come back. In the beginning I would ask myself, "what have I done to make him think this of me?"

Think of that tale of the frog being slowly boiled. This man loves me so much, is so good to me, I have done something to cause this change.

I was also abused as a child, I confided in him. He would use this as a means of control. He would twist his cruelty and say that I was damaged, that is why I did things that enraged him, because I was damaged and couldn't help it.

Why did I stay? What about me attracted him? I have been reading lots about this. If your interested look for an article by Sandra Brown, Safe Relationships, "Her Super Traits" also on a blogtalk radio program. Holy crap, that is me. Too trusting, too compassionate, a fixer, seeing others based on who you are, too forgiving, too loyal. All good things but too much of it.

Now I know that I can feel empathy but I do not have to act on it. That can put me at risk. Trust given too easily is dangerous. So much more. I am still trying to learn.

It is a bit terrifying. I am afraid that knowing is not enough. I am afraid that I will fall into the same.

worried_lady posted 4/23/2016 15:14 PM

Thank you all for this review. Getting the book now. The damage these people do is far and wide. Basically anybody they have come in contact with. They use everybody.

They can be very charming. If you listen close enough you will pick up on signs such as nothing is ever their fault. They never own anything, no personal responsibility.

In my case, after we married I felt I was always on a roller coaster. By the time I was upset over something he was already back in a happy mood. Come to find out he never had any moods, any feelings. It was all fake. Everything was a ploy to suck me deeper into the web of lies.

It is also amazing just how many there are out in the real world. You think it might be rare but they walk among us in everyday life.

The rule for myself is to listen to my gut instinct. When you get those feelings - listen to them. I was raised to be a nice person. A prime target for my X.

Off to order the book now!

xswimmer posted 4/23/2016 22:36 PM

If you have Amazon Prime you can borrow this book for free as part of the Kindle Lending Library. This will be my book for May.

Thanks for all the wonderful reviews.

I'm convinced this is my XWHs story.

TS68 posted 4/26/2016 08:06 AM

Forgot I started this post!

Yes, there were and still are things about me that attracted him to me. I was completely trusting, and shared that my own mother was a jealous type with my dad, and that I NEVER wanted to be that way. Good God. (My mother was raised in a family biz that was a summer hotel for boaters... Off the beaten path, it was a place with an awesome bar and live bands... My mom said it was full of cheating husbands with their girlfriends). My stbxwh still to this day tries to tell me "your just like your mother" in an attempt to insult me. It worked when I was younger (funny because I didn't really accuse him of anything years ago but if I so much as asked about a biz trip or why he was three hours late he would throw that at me... Yeah Red Flag)

I also believed that if he were to be successful, I needed to hold down the home fort and allow him to do whatever he needed to forward his career. A team approach, in my eyes. So he was given free reign to be gone a lot... And I was so proud to be such an understanding and trusting wife

That was a bad call.

Anyway, this book is worth reading for any of you who are wondering why the hell your spouse has illogical arguments for lies or behavior.

My fantasy future is to take the message and do talks to high school and college girls, and to bring this topic to the attention of the public. We'll see. It is surprising how the general public is naive to sociopathy/narcissism... The problem is, until you have seen it first hand, it is hard to believe these people are out there. But they are!

xswimmer posted 5/2/2016 09:53 AM

I'm about a third of the way through. This is definitely the story of my XWH and my marriage. I keep pausing and thinking of the things he did early in our relationship that were red flags that I missed.

Hopefully, seeing it in writing will help me when (if?) I start dating again.

Scary how so many seem to follow the same handbook.

Compartmented posted 6/18/2016 08:18 AM

I'm just starting this book. Scary, scary, scary!!

And true.

Thank you for posting this here so I could find this book.

solus sto posted 7/2/2016 09:32 AM

I was just a teenager when I first met my xH, and then in my early 20's when I began living with him. Given my young age and relative inexperience at the time, I don't think there is any way I would have known to even look for red flags or could have avoided them at that stage in my life.
Ditto. And to be honest, I think very few people can with considerably more life experience, identify them, either. Professionals (and friends, colleagues, acquaintances, service people encountered routinely, etc.) quite often do not ever really see the disordered/sociopathic behaviors. In this group, I include many, many psychiatrists and psychologist ostensibly educated to identify it.

There were TWO things that should have been enormous red flags for me, but because of age and inexperience (at first) were not. By the time they were, it was too late; I was already in too deeply. The first was estrangement from pretty much everyone who should have been important in his life. Parents, siblings, extended family, etc. THAT was a preview for me and the kids.

The second thing was an inability to gain or retain employment--always because someone else was incompetent, or out to get him, or taking credit for his work. (In work settings, I think people did see through him or, at least, weren't willing to put up with the level of bullshit he created).

But no one who knows him casually ---and really, this means EVERYONE, because even after 32 years, I didn't know him AT ALL--knows enough to identify him as a sociopath. Even his IC, with a diagnosis from a respected specialist psychiatrist colleague, almost immediately was convinced that the diagnosis was wrong, and I was the problem.

He conducted a smear campaign against me from the earliest days of our relationship. I had no idea. It worked remarkably well. It isolated me from all mutual acquaintances (he has no friends), and delayed my conclusions.

It's how they work. They are expert at isolating people and destroying them.

This is a good book--it didn't teach me anything I didn't know, but it is always nice to be reassured that no, you're not the crazy one.

onlytime posted 7/2/2016 10:50 AM

Solus

Professionals (and friends, colleagues, acquaintances, service people encountered routinely, etc.) quite often do not ever really see the disordered/sociopathic behaviors.

Omg, so so true.

One psychiatrist actually diagnosed him as bipolar and said he would be fine as long as he was taking his meds. I remember thinking "Are you f***ing kidding me!!"

The first was estrangement from pretty much everyone who should have been important in his life. Parents, siblings, extended family

Yep. The only person in his family he really had anything to do with was his dad, and that was because he knew his dad was the only one who would bail his ass out of jail! He stole from all of the rest of his family and threatened to kill his mother, so they wanted nothing to do with him.

It's a little funny (and probably a bit immature of me), but when I think about this aspect of it the lyrics from Goodbye Earl pop into my head

"And it turns out he was a missing person who nobody missed at all"

The second thing was an inability to gain or retain employment

Yep. In the past 30 years, I think my xH worked a total of one whole month (all jobs combined)!!

This is a good book--it didn't teach me anything I didn't know, but it is always nice to be reassured that no,you'renot the crazy one.

Completely agree.

LuvsMeLuvsMeNot posted 7/2/2016 20:58 PM

Hi TS68,
Thank you so much for the Amazon recommendation cuz it sounds like a fantastic book!!

The reviews sound awesome so I will definitely check it out ASAP & get it ordered!!

dreamlife posted 9/2/2016 13:26 PM

Wow.

Sounds like my XH!

Except now that he is dead, I have probate to deal with.

Foolish me...thinking that the D would be the FINAL "ending".

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