SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m a mid-40s father of three, ending a marriage of nearly 20 years after repeated emotional and sexual betrayals. We have been functionally separated under the same roof for a while, which has made healing extremely difficult.

We have agreed to dissolve the marriage, but progress toward separate households has been painfully slow. I expect to remain the children’s primary day-to-day caretaker and keep them in the family home. I understand that preserving that stability is valuable—and probably a gift in the long run—but under these circumstances, it certainly doesn’t feel like I’ve won anything.

My wife is currently overseas visiting the man she considers her boyfriend. I’m home caring for the children and confronting, in real time, how badly I need firm physical separation when she returns.

Honestly, even writing this much is difficult. I read the stories people share here, and it’s hard to imagine sitting down and explaining to strangers just how broken your life has become. I admire those who can speak about it so openly. I’m not ready to tell the complete story yet—and I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for beyond grounded conversation with people who understand this kind of pain without making betrayal their entire identity.

I endured repeated boundary-pushing for most of our marriage, but everything came to a head over the last three years. I did the work to try to repair what we had, but you cannot negotiate desire or interest. She had neither, but also would not leave. So we remained trapped in this prolonged, deeply unhealthy limbo.

I’m in a lot of pain this morning. It has been a difficult journey just reaching this point. Having to put her on FaceTime with our children while knowing she is there with someone else—while I am still technically her husband and still carrying the family responsibilities—fills me with anger and disgust.

So, here I am. I suppose I’m hoping to find a few people who understand.

First off, I am so sorry you find yourself here. As one father of three to another, I can relate to far more of what you've written than I wish I could.

I'm coming up on one year since my own D-Day, after 19 years together and 15 years of marriage. My wife had two affairs, years apart, and we've spent much of the last year living under the same roof in a strange combination of separation and attempted reconciliation. So when you talk about being trapped in that unhealthy limbo, I understand exactly what you mean. There's something particularly cruel about having the person responsible for so much of your pain still occupying the same space where you're desperately trying to find some peace.

What really struck me about your post was the part about not feeling like you've won anything. I think people sometimes confuse keeping the house, maintaining stability for the children, or being the primary parent with somehow coming out ahead. But none of us signed up for this competition, and there certainly isn't a prize worth the price we've paid. You wanted your family, your marriage, and the life you believed you were building together. Having to salvage pieces of that life isn't winning. It's surviving.

I can only imagine the anger and disgust of having to facilitate FaceTime calls between your children and their mother while knowing she's overseas with another man. There's an extraordinary amount of emotional restraint involved in putting your children's needs ahead of your own pain under those circumstances. I hope you give yourself some credit for that, even if it doesn't feel particularly admirable while you're living it.

One thing I've learned over this past year is that you don't owe anyone your entire story. Not here, not anywhere. I've written extensively about my own experiences, partly because putting words to the chaos has helped me make sense of it, but everyone processes this differently. Sometimes simply saying, "I'm hurting, and I could use someone who understands," is more than enough.

And I particularly appreciate what you said about wanting people who understand betrayal without making it their entire identity. That's something I've been wrestling with myself. Betrayal has consumed an enormous part of my life over the last year, but I refuse to let someone else's choices become the defining feature of who I am for the rest of it.

I don't have some magical piece of advice that's going to make tomorrow easier. I haven't even figured all of this out for myself. But I can tell you that you're not alone in what you're feeling, and you don't have to justify the anger, grief, or exhaustion to people who have walked a similar road.

For what it's worth, I don't read your post and see a broken man. I see a father trying to hold his children's world together while his own has been falling apart. Those are two very different things.

Welcome, brother. I wish neither of us had a reason to be here, but I'm glad you reached out.

I appreciate the kind words on a rough day.
I honestly don't need my trauma to be my life. I want to eventually grow and live past it. But 20 years of continued depredations by someone who was supposed to be an equal and loving partner; who continually paid lip service to fidelity but only when it was convenient to her - is rough. This current situation I wanted to avoid; I told her flat out "You have a month to get out of here", a day after she dropped the news of this trip on my head.

Bear in mind:
A) She took the funds from her own income, from the first job she had in 15 years for this, instead of helping with anything around the house.
B) She knew about her trip for nearly 8 months before she told me.
C) She ONLY told me because my necessary business trip (which is mandatory and yearly) coincided with her planned date.
D) She supposedly planned this trip
* After I caught her online affair
* But 'before' she was in a romantic relationship with this guy.

So I said I don't want you here if you're going to see someone else.
She promised she'd try, we saw a mediator, and she to some level DID try. But not hard enough. Finally got a job literally a week before I left for my trip. Too little, too late. Meanwhile she made NUMEROUS promises that she'd keep it on the up and up. Unfortunately one by-product of knowing someone for nearly 20 years straight is you see their tells. She'd "Contact the kids regularly at X time on Y interval." It was literally the MOMENT she landed that went out the window. All the tells were there. The excited looks, the flush cheeks, etc. Everything you know from someone you've lived with on every level for two decades.

So I'm sitting here, constructing a story I know to be mostly true based off my extremely detailed history with her; and knowing that I didn't want this. I TRIED to avoid it. But she drove the situation to be this with a combination of slow walking and deception. Now I'm sitting here twisting in the wind for two weeks (!) while she gallivants around with someone else.

I'm furious.

I'm also deeply hurt by it. Like this is someone who even after all this, played me and played my desire to protect and trust - just to get pleasure that will very likely willingly discard her in the future.

So yeah. I appreciate your words. It sucks being here now, but at least for me, no more. Never again.
She will be moving out VERY soon after she gets back, for everyone's sake.

I know it feels like a heavy, grim task right now, but honestly, the absolute biggest shift ahead of you is realising you simply do not want to be with a woman who is capable of doing these things to you.

​She is not a prize you have lost, pal, she is a massive bullet dodged.
​It feels bloody awful right now while you are stuck holding down the fort while she is abroad, but in the long run, this is no loss at all. Life without someone who treats you with that level of disrespect is going to be infinitely better. Keeping the kids in the house and taking on primary care might feel like a heavy burden today, but it is a proper victory for your future peace and their stability.

​Time really will help get you through the worst of this. Once you get that firm physical separation and stop having to deal with the absurd surrealism of FaceTime calls from her holiday, the fog will start to clear. You sound like a decent, grounded bloke, and down the road, when you are ready, you will meet someone who is actually worthy of you and knows how to treat a partner properly.
​Hang in there, keep taking it one day at a time, and take care of yourself, mate. You have got better days coming.

Thanks. For what it's worth, I know she's not a prize. I have been through my entire cycle of grief. I'm REAAAADY to be done.

But she's an anxious avoidant, so she's dragging everything out to the very last minute.
I've known, myself, that I intend to divorce since March. I made my expectations clear, gave her a due diligence chance for the sake of the family and kids to reconcile; she opted not to. She made it clear, after an hour of mediation, that yes, she did not want to continue the relationship under any circumstance. Fine by me.

The problem is she is frankly, very bad at being responsible. She's sponged off me for an extended period and plays off my sympathies for her past and her plight. I don't want to destroy the kids mother. I want as much as is possible, a healthy co-parenting situation. Especially considering how destructive she's being, it's becoming nigh impossible.

So we're at a point where yeah. I've worked through all the 5 phases and am firmly in acceptance. The awful part is having to deal with this as mentioned 'real time' because she's doing it while I'm still supporting her and we're still technically married.

I find it reprehensible and disgusting behavior, not at all what the person I thought I knew but if I evaluate her behavior without the rose tinted glasses I had on for 19+ years, seems this monster was there all along.

I’m sorry you’re going through this SilentBulwark. Her behavior is appallingly selfish.

You have every right to be both hurt and furious. You seem to be moving in the right direction. I would recommend two things to you:

1) a good therapist, one who specializes in betrayal trauma. It really helped me.

2) learn the 180: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/. Note the embedded link for the FAQs. This is supposed to help you detach emotionally and spare you additional hurst from her.

They now consider that there is a 6th stage of grief: finding meaning. I hope you get there. Perhaps you will find it by helping others on this site, as so many others have. Perhaps you will find meaning in it all some other way.

Regarding your fury. Most posters here will tell you to avoid creating drama. The 180 will help you do that. I suspect that with your WW nothing you say will have the impact you want it to. You can show her all the pain and destruction she’s causing and at best she’ll pretend to care and at worst she’ll argue and lay blame at your feet. Hard as it is, I don’t think in the long run you will regret taking the high road.

Hope you can find some peace brother.

I’m sorry for the situation you are in.

But you need to realize you don’t need her permission or acceptance it really ANYTHING to move forward.

When you are done, you are done and now it’s time to put YOURSELF (and kids) first.

See an attorney and get her out of your home.

Learn your rights and just move forward with D. File the paperwork - you don’t need her permission. Or approval. Or her consent.

Rip the band aid off and you will start to feel better. Like YOU have control over your life.

At dday2 I told my H (very calmly) I was D him. It came down to me (& kids) living in peace w/out wondering if he was cheating (he was). He thought he was still in control of the situation. Except he underestimated me - I was no longer going to be a doormat.

I did the hard 180 and told him he had to leave. He said no - he’s not leaving. In front of him I called a mutual friend and made plans for him to stay there a few days while he found a new residence. He then realized he no longer had any power or decision making ability as far as his life with me & kids.

I hope this helps you to feel as though you can take back control of your life.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? If not, you really need to.

Best wishes,
Nsge

Yeah. I have a pretty good lawyer. Thankfully. She knows the risk, sadly, of trying to play the game. Ours is not a usual situation. She's extremely exposed and knows it. It's only by virtue of my own willingness to not go atomic on her (for the kids sake) that she's managed to stay in this situation as long as she has. That said, it's coming to a close. I can firmly say, with receipts, I cannot mentally manage the stress of her imposing on my life with her situation any further.

So deadlines will sadly be set when she returns. It's going to be difficult for her (and the kids) in that regard, but she's more than made her bed in this situation. She knows that. I've made my own mistakes, fwiw, I'm willing to say. But I never deserved or wanted this level of nightmare visited upon me and my kids.

Furthermore this is a 50/50 state for custody, but not property. She's on the losing end of the stick in both cases.

Thanks though. I'll check out the 180 guide. I'm curious what it has in it that might prove insightful. Right now I'm just kind of being forced to feel things I wanted to not be dealing with ever again (betrayal, lies, cheating, infidelity as a whole) from her. So she's going to come back and we're going straight to "I need a firm date on when you're moving out."

Your wife is being cruel and disrespectful to you and the children. She has every right to leave and divorce you if she’s unhappy but to fly overseas to spend 11 days with her affair while still living with you and the kids is unacceptable. Have her stuff packed and ready to move out when she gets home. She has no respect for you and actually thinks she’ll get to have her cake and eats it to while living in the family home. She doesn’t actually think you will kick her out, prove her wrong and make this real for her. Right now there are no consequences, you take care of the kids and the house and she spends time with her affair partner so everything is great for her. You can’t get divorced until one of you moves out and you live apart for a year, she should be the one to leave. When she gets back, greyrock her, make it clear that any communication between the two of you will only be about the divorce or something important regarding the kids, otherwise tell her to talk to her affair partner about anything else, you are no longer available to her. This situation is terrible, I’m sorry you are here, but until you throw her out and stop communicating with her and take control
back from her you won’t be able to heal
and move on.

As you read about the 180 just remember that it's for you, your peace of mind, and to help you detach and get your feet back under you. Don't expect any changes from her or a miraculous turnaround. Tho from reading your posts I suspect you won't expect to see one.

None of us are perfect spouses. No matter what mistakes you've made or think you've made there's never an excuse or justification for cheating. There are always other options for dealing with marital issues that don't include bringing a third party into the marriage. That's like burning your house down because you have a leaky roof. This is absolutely not your fault.

I'm sorry you've found yourself here, man. Share as little or as much with us as you want. I know how painful this is to talk about, but I've found that just typing it out and getting feedback from people who understand helped me a lot. Ask any questions or just use us to vent if you want. We're good listeners and most of us have dealt with this crushing pain. It really is like no other. I always knew cheating was bad and painful, but I never really imagined just how devastating it is until it was dumped in my lap.

Hang in there man. This will get better. Especially once you have physical separation. That care of yourself.

Thanks for the kind words, support, and stern warnings.

I'll take them all in the spirit they're given.

Currently I'm drafting a letter for her to send today.

X, I previously mentioned that my emotional state has been in upheaval. I have now had about six days to process my thoughts and feelings about this trip, and the fact is that I am hurting as badly as I expected I would. I experience what is happening as profoundly disrespectful and insulting.

Regardless of whether sex occurs, traveling across the world to spend sixteen days with a man you call your boyfriend—including extensive private, unstructured time together—is inherently intimate and romantic to me. If meaningful boundaries had been built around the trip, I might have been able to understand it differently. In its current form, I cannot. Instead, I feel lied to, played, and betrayed.

This trip has confirmed that I cannot heal while we continue sharing a home. It has reopened wounds that I desperately wanted to close. As a result, I no longer want a personal friendship or emotional relationship with you. I will communicate and cooperate respectfully as a co-parent, but I am not available to be your friend, confidant, or emotional support.

When you return, I expect us to establish a concrete and prompt move-out plan with firm dates.

Please also arrange your own transportation from the airport back to the house. I cannot bear the emotional toll of picking you up after this trip, and I will not be able to do it.

I am not sending this to begin an argument while you are away, and I am not asking for an immediate response. We can discuss the necessary logistics when you return.

*

So that's the plan. Send that. Wait for her return, and then hustle her out the door.

[This message edited by SilentBulwark at 3:34 PM, Friday, October 16th]

I no longer want a personal friendship or emotional relationship with you. I will communicate and cooperate respectfully as a co-parent, but I am not available to be your friend, confidant, or emotional support.

When you return, I expect us to establish a concrete and prompt move-out plan with firm dates.

Please also arrange your own transportation from the airport back to the house.

This is the only necessary information. She can figure out the rest.

I like asc1226’s version.

I’d change the last sentence to "In addition, you will need to arrange your own transportation from the airport back to the house."

You could also change the first sentence from "I no longer want…" to "I will no longer maintain…"

I wasn’t an English major so I’ll leave the critique of your letter to others but good for you for taking back control, she won’t like the letter because you are taking away her cake and now she’ll have to deal with things on her own when she isn’t overseas with him. Once she boarded that plane to see him any chance of reconciliation or this being completely amicable went out the window!

Yeah, agreed about the plane boarding. Like, I didn't think reconciliation was available, fwiw. But amicable? You betcha. Now we're in just 'sorry not sorry' territory of things. I had every intention of being amicable so long as she didn't violate certain boundaries, boundaries which were CLEARLY expressed for months leading up. She did her usual attempt to make the rules malleable, and this is the result.

I sent my full version, because I want every part of that heard for my own somewhat selfish reasons.

But that said, I expect it landed like an 8 ton anchor at this point.

Either way, the proverbial brown log is in the punch bowl.

Honestly speaking this feels better than just sitting here stewing; iterating in my head every action, reaction, word, response, picture, etc. No question to me this needed done months ago, but I was trying to get along for the children's sake. And to some degree hers. But she took my generosity for granted, so here we are.

Good for you, now just worry about being the best father you can and moving towards divorce as fast as possible. You deserve better and so do your kids! Make sure to greyrock her, she’s going to try everything to get you to engage with her not because she wants to fix things but rather because you cutting her off and not communicating with her inconveniences her, she really banked on you continuing to be available to provide support when she wasn’t with her boyfriend!

You hanging in there SB?

Thanks for checking in.
Well, I set firm limits on when she can and can't call, because I work from home and she was interrupting certain periods I needed for work with customers. She didn't like that too much, but she's been abiding since then. I've been focusing heavily on the kids over the past few days, to keep my mind off the annoyance.

My 'big win' has been just telling her "I gotta go, bye" and hanging up on her abruptly when the phone is handed back to me after they get their daily call. Feels kind of pathetic to admit that in the past I'd just sit there and be chummy with her.
I guess I'll take what minor victories I can.

I'm trying not to hyper-fixate on everything I hear in the background from her talking to the kids and minimize my contact with her to keep myself from spiraling.

Today's been a struggle. I had no contact yesterday which was good.

It helped me get things done I needed to get done, got in a good headspace. Today, got contact, spiraled.

I wish I could just .. not go into an emotional storm. It'd be so much easier if I didn't have to struggle with contrasting emotions.

I want to ask her how her trip is.

I want to share in her joy.

I want to hate her, implicitly.

I want to hate him.

I want to hate her friends, who facilitated this.

I want to be numb.

I want to move on.

I want to feel like I can trust someone again. Which ... I can't right now.

I want to have a peer partner, in a reciprocal, loving relationship. Is that even possible?

I feel disgusted with her. With myself.

I want to forget she exists.

I'm repulsed by her actions.

I want to take back what I've done that contributed, my own shames.

I want to blame her for everything she's done, to tell her off in no uncertain terms.

On and on it goes.

In the end, I know I didn't deserve this. Nothing I did even approaches her level of harm. She'd stepped out of the marriage multiple times over the years. I should have cut it off then, but she I think knew my lack of desire to do so because of my bad experiences with D as a child of one growing up. So she felt.. safe to keep hurting me.

Still, it sucks. It sucks to spiral, to have to process the betrayal and pain.

All I can do is wait for her return in 5 days so I can say "Welcome back, when are you leaving?"

I cannot understand someone who takes a loving, faithful, capable partner. One whom she openly admits attraction to, still says she loves, and enjoyed sex with; and then devastates them in such a fashion.

And somehow I have to put on a happy face to talk to a client in an hour. I wish I could just crawl into a hole for a few months.

[This message edited by SilentBulwark at 5:37 PM, Thursday, October 22nd]